411’s WWE Smackdown Report 04.02.10

Hi, hello and welcome to 411’s WWE Smackdown Report! I’m Steve Cook, filling in for the honorable Michael Uphoff. He had other matters to attend to this week, but I’m more than happy to be here tonight for this historic edition of Smackdown! If you’re looking for somebody that’s going to bitch and moan about the events of tonight, you’re reading the wrong recap. As a huge fan of the person that plays a big role in tonight’s episode, and as somebody who’s been saying that WWE should do more with this person for months while doing the Rs of Superstars, I couldn’t have been more thrilled when I read the spoilers.

Let’s get right to it, shall we?

We are in Las Vegas, Nevada, home of Daniel Bryan! Your hosts are Todd Grisham & Bill Simmons’ favorite announcer, Matt Striker, and we are five nights removed from WrestleMania!

Opening Promo!

Speaking of WrestleMania, here’s the man who retained the World heavyweight title on that night, Chris Jericho. He is still the World heavyweight champion! He is the best in the world at what he does. He told us last week that he was genetically superior to all of us, we are inferior and defective like Edge, and he was right. He wrestled a perfect match and proved that he is the greatest champion of this or any generation. He dismantled Edge and remained world champion. The fans think he sucks. After the match was over, in an cowardly act Edge attempted to permanently injure Jericho with a spear off the announce table and through the barricade. All he heard as he was internally bleeding was 70,000 hypocrites chanting Edge’s name and SPEAR. Us and Edge are all the same. We’ve never reached our potential as human beings, we cut corners and take shortcuts and are losers. Edge is a loser, he is the champion, an honest man that always does what he says he will do. He stands here not to say I told you so, he says it is so.

And here comes Edge! He says that Chris makes a valid point, he has a lot in common with the people. We all love watching Jericho getting speared. They’d all love to watch Edge spear him again tonight, because he wants a rematch for the World championship right now! Jericho asks Edge and the people if that’s what they want. He doesn’t care what Edge wants. He had his chance at WrestleMania, and he lost. That puts Edge at the back of the line because he’s a loser. He’s telling Edge to get out of his ring now.

Edge cheap shots Jericho! He tears his jacket and shirt off, revealing tape around Jericho’s injured ribs. Impaler DDT! Edge looks like he’s about to deliver a spear, and indeed he does! Edge poses over a downed Jericho as we see a replay. BUT WAIT A MINUTE! As Edge backs up the ramp, Jack Swagger runs up and hits him in the back of the head with the Money in the Bank briefcase! Swagger gets the mike and demands that a referee comes out right now…he’s cashing in!

Match 1: World Heavyweight Title Match
World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho vs. Jack Swagger

Jericho’s very slow to get up as the referee enters the ring. Swagger is beside himself, trying to remain patient while yelling at the referee to ring the bell as he clears the ring of debris. The ref checks Jericho as Swagger aches for the bell to ring! The fans chant “Ring the bell!” The bell rings! DOCTOR BOMB! 1…2…3!!!!!!!!!!

Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Jack Swagger (:08 N/A)

History has been made here in Las Vegas! The fans really aren’t sure what to think, as they pop for like a second before they realize that the man who beat Jericho is also a man of ill repute. ON YOUR KNEES! The All-American American from Oklahoma University has done the Boomer Sooners proud, seized the day and is your new World Heavyweight Champion! Edge & Jericho are both down wondering what the heck just happened while Swagger poses with the title in the entranceway and we head to commercial.

Moments ago, Jack Swagger shocked the world!

Match 2: Australian Tag Team Match
R-Truth & John Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme (JTG & Shad Gaspard)

I’m in such a good mood that I’m not even going to complain about Truth’s rapping. How long has Morrison been ripping off Bret Hart with the whole giving sunglasses to a fan thing? Did Striker actually compare Cryme Tyme to Dr. Dre & Easy E? Talk about foreshadowing…Shad & Truth start us off here, tieup, headlock by Truth, shoulder block by Shad because he’s bigger. Truth gets out of a gorilla press and does a funky scissor kick. Tag to Morrison, who hits Starship Pain! And this match is over way sooner than I expected.

Winners: R-Truth & John Morrison (:44 N/A)

Morrison & Truth dispose of an established tag team pretty quickly, showing that they’re still in tag team title contention despite a poor showing at WrestleMania against ShoMiz. JTG is shocked by the defeat, and he becomes even more shocked when Shad’s all like “Hey, where were you at?” JTG eats a big boot from Shad! Shad takes it to JTG, and knocks him out with a straight punch! Shad picks JTG up and STOs him down. Looks like the Tyme for Cryme is over after four years. You know, that might be a record by modern WWE tag team standards.

Backstage, World Champion Jack Swagger is congratulated by Tony Atlas, Slam Master J & Mickie James. There’s an odd trio if I ever saw one. He walks by Shelton Benjamin and says that maybe he should be called the Gold Standard now. Bah-zing!

I haven’t rated the first two matches because they were more about angle advancement than actual in-ring action. That, and I don’t know how to rate anything under a minute. I asked my ex-girlfriend how I rated among her conquests and she had a similar answer.

Moments ago, Cryme Tyme imploded.

Josh Mathews asks Shad Gaspard why he did what he did. Shad says there’s no more Cryme Tyme, this is his time. MY TIME! MY TIME! MY TIME IS STAAAAARRRRTING!

Keep your finger off the switch, Dunn.

Match 3: Non-Title Match
Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy

Striker declares that Matt Hardy is the heart and soul of Smackdown. Sounds like the show needs a heart transplant, and then an exorcism. Drew attacks Matt before he gets into the ring, sending him hurdling down the apron shoulder-first into the ring post. Double-underhook DDT! Drew McIntyre has laid Matt Hardy out before the bell even rang!

Winner: No match

I’m not complaining.

Backstage, Simply Flawless talks about how great Excuse Me WrestleMania was. Vickie Guerrero is outraged that people are calling her Frog Splash a Hog Splash. Michelle McCool comments that envy is so ugly and it should be called the Cougar Splash, They and Layla applaud as World Champion Jack Swagger enters the frame. He asks Vickie if she’s seen Teddy Long, Vickie says that she’s the official consultant and asks if she can help him. Swagger asks if he can have a State of the Championship Address later tonight. Vickie congratulates him on winning the title and says that he can have all the time he wants out there. Ever the gentleman, Swagger kisses Vickie on the cheek and walks off while the heel Diva contingent giggle like school girls.

Match 4: Singles Action
The Great Khali (w/Runjin Singh) vs. Dolph Ziggler

Manu Bumb assures me that the way Great Khali dances is how the good people of India dance. Ziggler ducks outside while Striker talks about how even 7 foot 3 people are susceptible to the sleeper hold. Yeah, but good luck putting it on them in a shoot. Ziggler goes off the ropes and runs into a Khali clothesline. Ziggler gets sent headfirst into the turnbuckle and eats a loud chop. Ziggler runs into a big boot and goes outside. Khali tries to bring him back in, but Khali gets dropped neck first on the top rope. Ziggler goes up top and applies the sleeper hold from up there! Like I said, wouldn’t work in a shoot. Doesn’t work here either, as Khali tosses Ziggler off. But Ziggler is ever persistent, and reapplies the hold on the mat. Khali kicks the ropes a couple of times, but the ref can’t call what he can’t see and rings the bell when he thinks Khali is asleep! A bad call, if you ask me. Did they bring in the UFC refs for this show in Vegas?

Winner: Dolph Ziggler (2:26 *)

Khali addresses the fans after the match in his native language. Singh tells us that the Great Khali has been doing a lot of soul searching, and it’s time for him to go back home to India, spend some time with his family, and when he returns he’ll become World Champion. Jeff Small won’t be happy about this, but I for one wish Great Khali the best in his future endeavors.

Yeah, that line’s probably played out.

Straight Edge Society Promo Time!

CM Punk, Luke Gallows & Serena make their way to the ring to spread their message to the Las Vegans. Gallows tells the people to open their ears and listen. Punk saved him and can save each and every one of them. Since accepting Punk as his savior, all of his impurities have been washed away. The time to make a change in your life is right here and right now. Why’d they make this guy a drooling retard for so long anyway? Big fella can talk. Serena then grabs the mike and tells the fans to show respect! He is perfect in every way. He is selfless and remarkable, and a healer. It you’d take a moment and look into his beautiful eyes, you would see that he’s not blinded by sin and addiction as we are. CM Punk can save you like he did her and Luke Gallows. They would be like us if not for him. She sees a sea of demons in the crowd, when she looks at her savior she sees an angel. We’re sure she’s not taking anything?

Punk says that if there ever was a city that needed to be saved, they’re in it. He envies us sitting at home because we’re not in Las Vegas. You can get an alcoholic beverage 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year! You can smoke in any public place! The fans cheer these things like sheep supporting a philosophy that what happens there stays there. Punk says that’s a lie! The towns full of liars lying to each other and themselves, just like Rey Mysterio. What happened at WM wasn’t supposed to happen, he was supposed to save Rey but it didn’t happen. Whether Rey knows it or likes it, he needs straight edge. He needs CM Punk. Rey was supposed to be his crown jewel, showing that anybody can be saved. Rey needs to know that he won’t give up. Punk wants a rematch, and he’s willing to sacrifice something very important…something free of foreign chemicals, that represents his eternal purity, his position of the Straight Edge Society. If Rey beats him, he’s willing to sacrifice his hair. That’s how much he cares about Rey, he’s willing to sacrifice a piece of himself just to save him.

That’s one mentally disturbed individual right there.

Match 5: Divas Tag Team Match
Women’s Champion Michelle McCool & Layla (w/Vickie Guerrero) vs. Tiffany & Beth Phoenix

Did you know Tiffany is insatiable? She & McCool start things off. Tieup into the corner, McCool breaks cleanly but shoves the Tiff. Tiffany replies with a drop toe hold and an inverted atomic drop, McCool pushes Tiffany off of an attempted monkey flip and gets a two count. She chokes Tiffany on the ropes and then chokes her on the mat. Tag to Layla, they hit a double Stroke on Tiffany after regaling her with a cheer. Layla applies a camel clutch while Striker talks about how hot Beth Phoenix is. I think calling these PPVs with Jerry Lawler is rubbing off on Mr. Striker. Tiffany eventually gets out and tags the Glamazon, who makes short work of Layla with elbow strikes and an airplane spin! Big clothesline! She knocks McCool off the apron, Layla misses a kick and Beth hits the Glam Slam! 3 count!

Winners: Tiffany & Beth Phoenix (4:25 *½)

Vickie is unhappy, but luckily for Beth, Michelle restrains her.

Backstage, Theodore Long meets with Chris Jericho. He demands that Long reverse the decision and give him back the World title. Long asks if he’s out of his mind. He’s not going to do that, but asks Jericho if he wants a rematch tonight. Jericho says he can’t because his ribs are hurt. Long says if Jericho doesn’t want a rematch tonight, they’ve got nothing else to talk about, playa. Jericho guarantees that Swagger will not get away with this and declares himself the champion. See ya after jury duty, Chris!

Josh Mathews is with The Hart Dynasty. Natalya says that they couldn’t be more excited and they won’t let anybody down. David Hart Smith talks about how great WrestleMania weekend was, from inducting Stu Hart into the WWE Hall of Fame to their involvement in the Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon match. Tyson Kidd says that since all of that is now over, it’s their time to carry on the tradition of the Hart Family. World Champion Jack Swagger walks into the frame, breaking up the Hart kids’ interview time, and holds up his World title belt. He’s making a lot of enemies tonight, isn’t he? At least he has the heel Divas on his side.

Kane Promo Time?

Well, why not? I’m not going to say he can’t talk and light the corner posts on fire. He’s getting a little bored, and when that happens he becomes frustrated. That’s not healthy for anyone. He needs somebody to take out his frustration on, so he’s going to take on the entire NXT roster! Even with that blasted shiner.

Match 6: One vs. Eight Elimination Match
Kane vs. Daniel Bryan, Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, Heath Slater, David Otunga, Skip Sheffield, Michael Tarver & Darren Young

Bryan starts it off and lands some kicks before getting tossed off. Big forearms, kick, but Bryan runs into a slam from Kane and a dropkick. Tag to Young, who gets a boot to the chest and some punches. Young lands an elbow, but not much else. Kane sends him into the turnbuckle, he misses in the corner but blocks Young’s double axe handle. Big beal and a tag to Gabriel until Barrett tags himself in. Not smart. Elbows and punches in the corner, but Barrett fights back, head butt, punches, shoulder blocks from Mr. Barrett. He eats a big punch, goes off the ropes and Kane boots him for a 3 count and an elimination!

Wade Barrett is eliminated

Skip Sheffield is in with Kane when we return from commercial, he runs into a big uppercut. Kane splashes him in the corner and hits a running power slam. Slater tagged himself in during all of that and breaks up Kane’s pin attempt. Slater jumps right into a choke slam and a three count.

Heath Slater is eliminated

Michael Tarver’s in now, and he gets heaved over the top rope in 1.9 seconds. David Otunga wants no part of this, and the NXT rookies huddle up. They surround the ring and Kane and attack Black Ninja style! The referee calls for the bell, as he’s just throwing this thing out.

Winner: Kane by disqualification (4:18 *½)

The NXT rookies decided that getting disqualified was probably for the best as far as their survival goes, as six of them stomp Kane down. Otunga lands a kick, but Kane shrugs him off and fights back until Daniel Bryan hits a missile dropkick! Elbow drops, leg drops and splashes by the NXT rookies, Gabriel goes up top and hits the 450 Splash! The NXT rookies have beaten down Kane, albeit 6 on 1. Kane chases them back to the locker room, and somehow I doubt this is going to put Kane in a better mood than he was already in.

Earlier tonight, Jack Swagger stampeded his way to the World Championship. We get to see Chris Jericho go all crazy at ringside.

Jack Swagger’s State of the Championship Address

Tony Chimel introduces our new World Heavyweight Champion! Swagger is still a Raw roster member according to his graphic, and is all business heading to the ring…not even pausing to do his pushups! This is the first of many Championship addresses that he will be giving. He has prepared a few statements, which he will read from. I’m sure that won’t be annoying to anybody. Congratulations to all of us on witnessing history, as this may be the apex of our lives. He will be champion for an extremely long time, so we should show our proper respect and give him complete silence until the speech is over. The fans don’t comply. Swagger then gives us his life story, saying he’s done everything he ever set out to do. He set an NCAA record for most pinfall victories. Within 4 months in WWE, he was ECW champion. It didn’t matter how many people were in the MITB match, he still would have won. His becoming world champion couldn’t have come at a better time for all of us. We have found our replacement for Shawn Michaels as greatest living wrestler on the planet! The fans don’t like that.

Neither does Chris Jericho, who makes his way down to the ring. Jericho tells Swagger to give his title back. Swagger says it’s his and he can’t do anything about it. Jericho insists he is the champion and Swagger committed the biggest crime in the history of WWE. When Jericho heals, quickly, he will take his belt back. He asks the parasites if they understand what he’s saying. Edge then walks down to the ring while Swagger exits. Edge asks Swagger to face him because he wouldn’t be champion if not for him. He appreciates Swagger’s cashing in MITB, but says he should fight somebody who isn’t injured and isn’t afraid to face him. Jericho says he beat Edge, but Edge says he hit him with the two spears that caused him to be an ex-champion, and asks Jericho to shut his mouth.

Theodore Long makes his entrance and tries to set it all straight. Next week, Chris Jericho will face Edge and the winner will get a World Heavyweight Championship match with Jack Swagger! Edge gets distracted by Swagger and eats a Codebreaker from Jericho! Swagger grabs Jericho and hits the Doctor Bomb! Edge gets one too! Jack Swagger, our new World Heavyweight Champion, stands tall as we fade to black!

This wasn’t the best Smackdown for in-ring action, but there was a lot of angle development tonight that will be felt for weeks and months to come. Plus…SWAGGA~!

Michael Uphoff will be back next week…so long and good night!