Evolution Schematic 12.01.07: Chyna

Writer’s Notes

Relax, this is an ES. I’ve just waiting on my reconditioned, pimped out and above all more compact, harder hitting banner. So until then, we’ll be old school and bannerless. That said, to fulfill my “Links Away From The Site That Ashish Loves So Much”, I suggest you check out the Botchamania Series if only for Botchamania 27 and the awesomeness that is Dragon Dragon. Note, not for the squeamish. Now, onto the human train wreck!

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Overview

Poor, poor girl.

I guess I shouldn’t pity her in such a patronizing fashion, but really, when you see her career, her life, it’s hard not to pity her, and at the same time look down on her slightly. She had the world at her feet, she fought so hard and so long, and then… pissed it all away.

After all, it seems such an unlikely rise, some big muscular freak of a woman gains respect, good looks, money, fame, a Playboy shoot, the whole nine yards. It’s a dream run, maybe not every girl’s dream of success but still a very successful one. And then she started to buy into her own hype, like so many celebs do, and then it all collapsed around her, and now she’s a punch-line.

Let’s rechart her spiral, shall we?

Origins- The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly On The Plane Ride Over

Chyna was born Joanie Laurer, in New York. She had an unremarkable childhood, as most non-insane wrestlers do. She learnt the cello and violin, she went to school, she was a normal, if slightly tall and strong girl. But she excelled at Spanish, and ended up winning a scholarship to finish high school in Spain. So she left home at 16, went to Spain, graduated, then went to college, ending up knowing a couple more languages and getting a degree in Spanish Literature… So THAT’S how Eddie got into her pants.

At first, she wanted to use her linguistic skills in service of her country, and so joined the Peace Corps, who sent her to Costa Rica to help teach literacy. But she soon became dissatisfied with all this touchy feely nice crap. She had a lot of pent up frustration to air out. So she began to train, entering fitness contests. It was only a matter of time before the tough strong woman found her way into wrestling.

Debut- Killer Kowalski. I have nothing negative to say about him whatsoever.

Joanie trained under the Fearsome Canadian Bastard, learning her skills and getting just as involved with the men as the women. At first however, when she began to wrestle on the independent circuit she wrestled women, winning a couple of titles unsurprisingly.

Eventually however, she met a fellow Kowalski trainee, one Hunter Hearst Helmsley, and he hired her as his bodyguard.

Phase 2- Hunter’s Muscle.

She debuted in the WWF in early 97 as a ringside fan who jumped the rail and beat on Marlena a.k.a. Terri Runnels, Goldust’s valet. Given that at the time HHH was in the middle of a feud with the man, it made some degree of sense. Hunter and Chyna, as she was soon named, became inseparable, wherever you saw HHH, you saw Chyna, unless she was doing commentary with the Spanish Announce Team. Throughout 97, Chyna was there for her man, delivering low blows and chair shots and cage door slams and anything else she could to help Hunter, delivering him many victories and ending up with her hand on many pairs of genitalia.

Once Hunter formed DX, she was there as a founding member, always assisting, never competing in matches as such. Why bother? The women’s division was beneath her, and she was getting paid good money to help Hunter, so she didn’t care. Although despite this, she still made history at the 98 No Way Out (Of Texas), when she became the first woman Steve Austin stunned.

But then after Wrestlemania 14, DX grew a bit with new members, and then, over time became popular. And with this popularity came anger and… Love?

Phase 3- Sexual Chocolate

As DX began to feud with The Nation Of Domination, mostly centred on Rock V Hunter, another Nation member, Mark Henry, got a crush. A crush on Chyna. While on some level she must have been flattered, she still didn’t appreciate his advances, since he was such a man-slut. But he kept pushing the issue. Throughout 98, if Chyna was around, Henry went after her. She vanished for a while supposedly for legal reasons as she tried to get a restraining order against Henry, but she came back looking much different, much more feminine. Plus her boobs were bigger. These enhancements (which weren’t necessarily instead of legal actions, maybe her lawyer was next door to her plastic surgeon) did nothing to push Henry away, hell it drove him even more wild.

She would eventually get her revenge on Henry in a rather unusual way.

Phase 4- The Transition.

It’s all Vince McMahon’s fault.

See, he didn’t like Steve Austin. So, given that Austin had to be in the Rumble due to his victory against Taker at Rock Bottom, Vince decided to screw with him. He rigged a draw to ensure that Austin drew #1 in the Royal Rumble, and himself, entering the Rumble to humiliate Austin, drawing #30. However, having made the mistake of saying that he ‘wished’ for the #2 spot, Commish Shawn Michaels granted him that wish, sticking him with the #2 spot.

Panic sets into The Corporation.

But an idea is had! McMahon creates a special match, the “Corporate Royal Rumble”. Similar to the real rumble, albeit with shorter intervals, and less entrants. Vince laid it out, The Corporation vs. DX.

So it alternated, Corporation member, DX member. And, like the plan went (albeit with some minor hiccups as Kane got angry and tossed a team mate or two), it came down to Vince all alone in the ring, everyone else tossed, right?

The buzzer went, and then down came Chyna. Vince was screwed, she was a member of DX, and his lack of specifics cost him. Or, more accurately, Austin’s distraction cost him, since it allowed Chyna to run in and toss Vince to win the #30 slot.

She thus became the first woman ever in the Rumble, lasting under a minute, slamming and then tossing Mark Henry before Austin clotheslined her out of the ring.

The next night on Raw, HHH got a chance at the World Title, in an I Quit match, the same match Rock screwed Mankind over at the Rumble. HHH quit that night, when The Corporation had Chyna, and threatened to end her career with a brutal Tombstone from Kane should Hunter not quit. He quit, the Corporation left… and then Chyna delivered a low blow to Hunter, turning on DX and joining the Corporation.

Phase 5- The Money… and a chance to talk… and Kane.

She joined mostly for the money, as she revealed the next week on Raw. Plus also being allowed to talk, being given truly equal billing. And also because of Kane, sorta. See, the two ended up in a strange relationship, well, considering those involved maybe not so much. But Kane, whom no-one in the Corporation could really control, listened to and followed Chyna and cared for her. It was Kane who was Chyna’s partner at St Valentine’s Day Massacre against HHH and X-Pac, Kane who allowed Chyna to pin HHH after a chokeslam, it was Kane who accidentally shot Chyna with fire then looked after her rocking back and forth, it was Kane who Chyna turned on at Wrestlemania to rejoin DX… Wait, what?

Phase 6- Back with DX!

Kane won by DQ thanks to Chyna’s chair shot, and DX was back together! They lasted for about 30 minutes, until HHH and Chyna turned on DX to hook up with The Corporation, effectively trading Kane for HHH.

Phase 7- Back with The Corporation!

Chyna and HHH were back together as a unit, although this time round it seemed, occasionally, that their relationship was more than business. Regardless, this time they helped each other, Chyna helping HHH become The Corporation’s main guy, HHH trying to assist Chyna become the first true Queen Of The Ring (well, given HHH was King you could argue she already had been Queen, but not on her own merits certainly), she alas losing in the Quarters to Road Dogg.

And then the HHH/Chyna relationship went through a rough patch, thanks to Chyna being, for a period of time, the #1 Contender to the WWF title.

Phase 8- Follow The Bouncing Title Shot.

Ok. Start with Fully Loaded 1999, where HHH beat The Rock in a strap match to win the #1 Contendership and thus a title shot at SummerSlam. Then have Undertaker demand that shot, and Commish Shawn Michaels announce a triple threat match to determine the #1 contender, HHH vs. Taker vs. Chyna, the match supposedly designed to allow Chyna to interfere freely to help HHH.

Then, thanks to Steve Austin’s interference, Chyna ends up winning the match.

HHH then orders her to surrender the shot to him. Chyna refuses, to they have a match. Mankind then interferes in the match, costing HHH the match and keeping Chyna the #1 contender. Mankind then challenged Chyna to a match for the #1 contendership. Chyna, used to beating up Mankind since the Mankind/HHH wars were where she really established herself as both physical and HHH’s backup, agreed.

This time HHH interfered, distracting Chyna and helping Mankind win. Then Mankind and HHH had one last match, Chyna back with Hunter despite his harsh words earlier, and HHH and Mankind went to a draw and thus both men got the shot Chyna held for a time.

Mankind won the belt at SummerSlam, but Shane McMahon’s influence reared up as he was the special guest ref the night after SummerSlam when HHH beat Mankind to win the title, Chyna by his side. There she stayed, despite the fact that she began to get in touch with her inner feminist.

Phase 9- Jeff Jarrett hates women? How do you explain the TNA Knockouts belt?

See, Jeff Jarrett was IC champion at this point, and he was on a trip about how Women had no place in wrestling. An old fashioned viewpoint, but one you could sorta understand him having. He was going around putting various women in the Figure 4, and thus it seemed destined for Chyna to end up #1 contender to the IC belt, beating Billy Gunn to win a shot at it. She lost her first shot at the belt when Debra turned on Jarrett, giving Chyna the win which was then reversed to a DQ by head scab referee (the refs having gone on strike) Tom Pritchard. Jarrett, along with Miss Kitty, Debra’s assistant turned had valet after Debra turned on him, gave Chyna a rematch at No Mercy 1999, in a ‘Good Housekeeping’ match, no DQ provided the weapons were household objects, for both the belt and Miss Kitty.

That is, for her services.

Actually, seeing what happened, it being for her makes more sense.

Jarrett ended up getting foiled by his own rules, as he had the match won but it was restarted because he had used the belt to get the pin, his complaining giving Chyna time to recover, and an El Kabong with Jarrett’s guitar later, and Chyna was Intercontinental Champion.

Phase 10- Master and Slave and Belt

Given that she was now in a relationship full of leather, lesbian overtones and vague S&M leanings, Chyna was clearly a fan favourite. This came in handy as Chris Jericho, shocked that a woman was holding the IC belt while he was beltless, came calling.

Chyna successfully retained the belt at Survivor Series, but then Jericho’s rematch at Armageddon went the other way, Jericho making Chyna tap the same night The Kat (as she now called herself) both won the WWF Women’s Title and exposed herself.

Phase 10b- Now add a dashing young Canadian boy!

This then led to another relationship, albeit one of pure respect between Jericho and Chyna, which then got more complicated on the last SmackDown of 99, when Chyna and Jericho, after a back suplex onto a chair, pinned each other. Instead of a rematch or a restart, then boss Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley decided that BOTH Chyna and Jericho were now IC champ. Only one could defend it at a time, but if one lost, they both lost.

This lasted for a few weeks until they finally had a match to crown an Undisputed IC champ, Jericho, Chyna and Hardcore Holly, since he got non title wins over both of them, at the Royal Rumble. Jericho won that match, but Chyna then eliminated him from the Rumble, only to be tossed herself immediately after.

When Jericho lost the IC belt to Kurt Angle, Chyna was there for him as they attacked Kurt as he left the building during No Way Out. And then Eddie Guerrero began courting her, much to her chagrin.

This all lead to Wrestlemania 2000, where Jericho ended up winning the European title off of Kurt Angle by pinning Chris Benoit, and then Chyna and Too Cool beat The Radicals when she pinned Eddie.

Now then. The following is mere conjecture, and may, if you are uncomfortable thinking about dead men’s body parts, you may want to just skip ahead to the next phase.

See, the night after Wrestlemania, Chyna turned on Jericho, giving Eddie the European title and hooking up with him. She claimed she couldn’t resist his Latino Heat, and the fact that she knew Spanish did give them some common ground, but that doesn’t explain it.

What could explain it is that during her win over Eddie, her pants split after she grabbed a hold of Eddie’s, uh, Heat Generator.

Thus, one can theorize that Eddie was gifted, shall we say, and she decided to hook up with him once she found this out. Either way, after the post-Wrestlemania Raw, Chyna and Eddie were a couple of lovebirds.

Phase 11- Mamacita. What does that mean anyway? Mother-Babe?

At first, Chyna and Eddie were disliked for their whole betrayal of Jericho. But their wacky antics, Eddie’s personality and Chyna’s new found good looks and lack of modesty meant that after a little while, they had won their way back into the fans’ hearts. Eddie ended up losing the European title, but then the two got a shot at the IC belt at SummerSlam in an inter-gender tag match, the two vs. Val Venis (the champ) and Trish Stratus (his manager). Chyna ended up pinning Trish to win the IC belt for a third time.

Two weeks later, Kurt Angle got a shot at the belt, in a triple threat match with Chyna and Eddie. Kurt knocked Chyna out, Eddie took Kurt out, then hugged Chyna, comforting her.

A 3 count later, he was the new IC champ, and questions were being raised about their relationship. Eddie tried to solve them by proposing to Chyna. She accepted, but the Eddie began to fly off the handle about Chyna’s Playboy shoot. He tried to get it pulled, he tried to stop her, and then GTV caught him out enjoying Victoria and Mandy, the two Hos who were protesting Goodfather’s change of heart, and Chyna dumped Eddie.

Phase 12- From Eddie to Billy Gunn. Talk about a step down.

Chyna soon formed a bond with Billy Gunn after the Right To Censor, Steven Richards’ extreme group, began to target her over her Playboy shoot. While the two were former partners in DX, they were just friends, although when RTC injured Chyna with a spike piledriver from Val Venis and Ivory, everyone was concerned.

After Chyna came back, she focused on Ivory as the mistressmind of the attack, re-injuring her neck at the Royal Rumble before soundly defeating and winning the WWF Women’s title at Wrestlemania X7.

Phase 13- The Descent

Chyna was a dominate women’s champ, as you’d imagine, and this, coupled with her Playboy success, began to go to her head, she began to get cocky, arrogant. She easily defeated the likes of Molly Holly and Trish Stratus. After defeating Lita at Judgment Day 2001, it seemed like nothing could stop Chyna.

But Chyna.

This was her last appearance with the WWF, as the two sides began to argue about, well, everything. Money, her opponents, more Playboy, everything. She wanted more than the WWF was offering, so she walked. Her official leaving wasn’t announced until November, but she was long gone by then.

Today- One more breakdown after another.

Despite a couple of appearances here and there, Chyna has been clinging ever so tightly to what little celebrity she has left. After her second Playboy shoot, it’s been nothing but down hill, with boxing, sex tapes, drugs, engagements, drugs, restraining orders, drugs, drugs and worst of all, Reality TV. Today, she’s legally changed her name to Chyna, and is telling anyone and everyone she wants to fight Vince McMahon. Whatever.

Conclusion

So, what can we learn from this career? From the decent of Chyna? I think, really, one phrase sums it up nicely.

In the words of Rick James-

“Cocaine’s a hell of a drug.”

And now, another sliver of a fractured view of life, as from the pen of Dave Lovelace…