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Hi, my name is Tony Acero. You may remember me from such columns as, “Anyone but you, Watry.”
Survivor Series is in like 3 hours, and I’m not even close to being excited for it. Is there such a thing as fan fatigue?
It’s Monday night, my state is burning, and Trump seems to think it’s our fault. Probably cuz I’m so lit!!! *Cheers*
Memorial Day slideshow with voiceover to remind us that we’re America and Fuck Yeah.
We start RAW with a Battle Royal. The entire “tag team” roster is in the ring for a Battle Royal to see who will captain the Survivor Series team. Ohhhh, so they matter today! I won’t even give this a proper format. While this match is going on, Braun Strowman’s music hits and he comes down the ramp. Conor comes to meet him and gets punched in the face. Braun tosses some mexicans into each other then drops BobbyRoode down like nothing before entering the ring. He finally does and kicks a few people away then gets beat down by B Team and Slater and Rhyno. Braun pushes them of him like nothing then splashes The Revival in either corner. He stands tall in the ring while everyone is laid out. Braun leaves the ring. He runs around and tackles Axel. Then Gable. Then Dawson. Braun grabs a chair. Slater and Roode are in the ring, but they leave quickly. Braun stomps around the ring with a chair in hand then asks for a mic.
Braun says that tonight’s Monday Night RAW episode is brought to us by The Monster Among Men.
Braun takes a seat in the middle of the ring and says that he is done chasing Corbin around. He is not leaving this ring until Corbin gets these hands.
Oh, look, Steph. She tells Braun that he can’t hold RAW hostage. She appreciates the rage and aggression, but she needs him to channel it for Survivor Series. She tells him that Shane insulted the entire RAW locker room. Is Braun going to let Shane disrespect the roster? Him?
Braun cuts her off, says she doesn’t give a damn about Shane or representing Steph at Survivor Series. Steph says she does give a damn, and she says as commish, everyone on the roster including Braun better give a damn too.
Braun says he knows how corporate looks at him like some mindless meat castle, but he knows when someone is trying to manipulate him, so enough talking. Get Corbin out here.
Steph calls him intelligent and she is a business woman. Steph says that RAW has beaten SD two years in a row, and when Braun leads the team to victory this Sunday, Braun can have whatever he wants. Planes, trains, money, beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes…you naaaaammmmeee itttttt!!!
Braun says he doesn’t want any of that. He wants another title shot against Brock.
Steph says done. Braun says before all that, he wants Corbin. Steph says done. Braun says he wants to pick the stips. Steph says done. Braun wants Corbin to sign a waiver. Steph says this may take some time. One condition: Braun cannot lay a hand on Corbin until after Survivor Series. Braun needs to prove that he is a team player and proud member of RAW.
Braun says ok, but if he doesn’t get what he wants, he’s going to headquarters and he will destroy the whole building. Steph says she is being very transparent. She wants everyone motivated. Monster, Man, Woman, Machine…
Ronda is here to cut her off, and Steph looks shocked and awed.
Steph tries to give Ronda a nice intro, but Ronda cuts her off and stares her down. She tells her to save the pep talk. There’s nothing Steph can offer her to make her more motivated than she already is. Ronda is so tired of hearing “The Man” threaten to rip her arm off. She can’t wait to show her how it’s really done.
Steph is all smiles, clapping. The crowd chants loud for Becky. Ronda then looks at Steph and says that maybe she doesn’t have to wait.
Ronda backs Steph up a bit, but here’s Corbin lookin like he works in a banquet hall. He tells everyone to take a breath. We all need to focus on Shane and Smackdown at Survivor Series. Like Steph, he is here to help motivate RAW talent. He gets in the ring hesitantly as Braun stands there looking at him like he’s a lunchable.
Corbin looks to Corbin and tells her that we cn’t be overconfident. He then places his hand on her shoulder. Ronda ain’t havin it. She arm drags him over her shoulder and down to the mat then leaves. Corbin stands up and stares her down, then tunrs right into the meat castle.
Steph gets in the middle of them with a hand and tells Corbin to shut up. She tells Braun he can have him later, and kicks Corbin out of the ring. Braun tells him to enjoy his time being Steph’s lapdog, because after Survivor Series, he’s going to neuter him.
Nia Jax and Tamina are walking backstage. They shout at some people who are not in their way at all to “Move” then nod at each other to properly confirm that they are heels and dastardly and just did something mean before continuing their trek.
Corey Graves claims that last week’s teaming of Tamina and Nia has had the WWE Universe “buzzing.”
Match 1: Ember Moon vs Tamina
NIa distracts and Tamina hits a hard right then a soft kick. Headbutt to Ember while the commentary team says that Ember idolized Nia Jax. Yeah, no. Ember hops oer Tamina in the corner the nhits the ropes, flies out of an arm drag, looks for a rollup, releases, and hits a right hand. Another. Kicks to the thighs. Another. One more. Enziguri to Tamina. Ember hits the ropes. Right hand to the head, cover for 1….NO! Tamina hits a right as Alexa watches backstage. Ember floats over, kicks Tamina in the thighg, then locks up and drops Tamina face first. Tamina rolls to the outside. Ember hops on the apron. She flies with a slide to Tamina. Nia comes over to distract and Ember gies her the ol “angry face.” She turns into a clothesline.
Back from a break, and Tamina is in control in the middle of the ring with a cravat. Ember turns into it but Tamina tosses Ember down to the mat and cinches the hold. Ember escapes, gets to the corner, gets in some fists, flips over Tamina, gets shoved, but Ember hits an enziguri, basically doing the same exact sequence she did five minutes ago. A kick to the face. Tamina with a right. Whip, Ember ducks. Suicide dive to Nia, but Nia shoves her aside! Ember is shocked, goes back into the ring, hits the ropes, springboard splash and a pin for 1..2..NO!!! Tamina in the corner. Ember front flips and hits an elbow. Ember looks to go to the top rope right where Nia is, cuz shes dumb. Nia distracts, of course, and Ember gets kicked in the face.
Tamina goes to the top rope and emulates her father…..by killing someone. Pin for 1..2…..3!!!
Winner: Tamina
-yawn-
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *
Nia drops a leg on Ember to show you just how mean she is this month.
Video package of the betrayal of Ambrose.
After the video, Graves introduces Seth to the ring. Graves wants to talk to him about Survivor Series. He brings up Nakamura, and Seth’s match this Sunday. Graves wants to know where he’s at mentally. Seth is all smiles, says for the first time ever, it’s him vs Shinsuke, but right now, Seth doesn’t give a damn about Shinsuke. Graves calls this obvious, and shifts to Ambrose. Graves says that from watching Shinsuke, if Seth’s head isn’t in the game, his head will be taken off. Seth says he will be focused on Sunday, but tonight, in KC, he wants answers. He wants to know why Ambrose did what he did to him and Reigns, and to all of us. Graves tries to defend Ambrose, but Seth says he knows why he did what he did, he just isn’t man enough to come out and tell him.
We get Dean on the titantron, atop a red car right next to a barrel of fire. He says he’s man enough to go out there and beat the hell out of Seth right now, but he doesn’t owe him or any of us an explanation. None of us deserve it. These people who want to come up to him with no manners, spit on him, throw things at him, asking him why over and over. Ambrose says Mr. Architect doesn’t have all the answers this time, does he? Maybe he shouldn’t have talked to Dean the way he did so much, or did something go wrong, what changed? Maybe Ambrose has been the same guy this whole time. He was just too selfish and self-absorbed to see it. Ambrose says maybe he regrets his actinos, maybe he’s remorseful. No, that’s not it.
Truth is, Ambrose used to think The Shield was stronger togethr, that this symbol made him stronger, and that wearing the vest made him strong. He lifts up the vest. He says The Shield made him weak; Seth made him weak; Reigns made him weak, and the burden of being their brother and watch their back made him weak. Every day is a new day, a chance to be reborn, a chance to take the past and burn it down.
He tosses the vest into the barrel.
So why the car?
Rollins leaves the ring and heads up the ramp, solemn and angry.
We are taken to last week where Angle lost to McIntyre. They show us a video package in case you’ve forgotten.
Angle’s music hits. People are pumped. Record scratch. Ziggler’s music hits. He comes out with a smirk. Drew comes out next to his music.
Drew talks about how much of a superior being he is to Angle, and how Angle cried!! HE CRIED! He was more than happy to put Angle down with his own ankle lock. He’s been through the highest of highs and lowest of lows in the past 18 years and sacrificed more than any of us to tell us this right now:
RAW is his show now. It belongs to Drew, and he will mold it in his image. There is no more room for weakness. He will not allow anymore nostalgia acts anymore. It is the rule of the jungle from now on.
Balor interrupts.
Nice little Too Sweet chant. Drew gives Finn props for the guts. We then have the battle of the accents as Finn says that listening to Drew talk about Angle forced him to come out. Last week, Drew crossed the line.
Drew wants to give Finn a life lesson – dignity is not a right reserved for all. He could have done so much worse to Kurt. But no, Finn is upset because Drew kicked his head off. Finn thought Drew was coming to save him out of some European pride. “Mate, you are exactly what is wrong with this place.”
Drew says that Finn is so concerned with his feelings and emotions, and it makes him sick. He tells Finn to go to the back and cry to his litle Balor Club.
Finn tells him to shut up. He’s been dealing with bullies like him his whole life, so how about Finn sticks to what he know. Finn v Drew right here right now.
Drew wonders what’s more fragile; Finn’s feelnigs or his body. He wants a match? He’s got one..
Just not with him.
No, he’ll have a match with the true best in the world, Dolph Ziggler. If he beats Ziggler, then maybe Drew will considering lowering himself to Finn’s level.
Ziggler overacts because that’s what he does. Drew headbutts Finn down as we go to break.
Match 2: Finn Balor vs Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler gets Finn in the corner with some boots then scrapes his face across the ropes because he is a heel. Ziggler grabs the head of Finn then works the arm from behind. Finn escapes only to be locked back up in a sleeper hold. Finn escapes and Dolph gets another rest hold back in, this time with a scissors lock to boot. Balor is able to roll through some rope work and hits a drop kick to the face of Dolph. Ziggler up in the corner Balor misses a right, and Ziggler rolls him up for 1..2..NO!!! Ziggler with a splash in the corner. Goes for a bulldog, but Finn escapes and hops over the ropes. High kick! Finn to the top rope. Ziggler up and trips Finn up.
Back from a break, and Ziggler hits a neckbreaker on Finn. Ziggler ihts the ropes. Finn hits achop. He catches a kick but gets elbowed, only to hit an overhead kick to Ziggler! Both men are down. Both men up. Finn with a kick. He is hyped. He chops Ziggler in the corner. Whip to Ziggler is reversed, he sends Finn into the corner. Ziggler kicks out. He gets to the 2nd rope. Finn with a high kick. Stomp to the chest. Cover for 1..2..NO!! Finn in the corner. He waits for Ziggler. Ziggler is up. Finn with a slingblade. In the corner again. He sizes up Ziggler. Runs right into a kick. DDT from Ziggler. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Ziggler up first. Goes for a superkick. Finn catches. Kicks the knee. Fameasser! Pin for 1…2..NO!!! Ziggler up first again. He goes for a Zig Zag, but Balor holds the ropes. Dropkick to Ziggler in the corner! Balor goes to the top rope. COup De—Ziggler on his feet! He runs, Balor sends him over the top rope! Dropkick through the ropes to Drew! Ziggler back in the ring. Balor tosses him to the outside! Balor hits the ropes. Flip over the top rope onto Drew and Dolph!!! He sends ZIggler into the ring. Balor to the top rope!
Coup De G——ZIggler moves! He rolls up for a pin!!! 1…2….Balor switches the pin to his favor! Pin for 1..2…..3!!!!
Winners: None
Boring start. Great finish.
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***
Backstage, Steph stops Finn and is impressed by him. She wants him to be a part of the RAW team. Corbin is here saying maybe they need to discuss this. In comes Drew to attack finn. Steph tells him he can’t hurt Finn, because they are teammates now. Steph says she knows Ziggler can’t wait to get his hands on Shane. She then tells Drew what he did to Angle is what she wants him to do to Shane and the whole SD roster. She tells these three to work together this Sunday, but after they win, feel free to tear each other apart.
Should they sign a waiver or is that just for Braun’s opponents?
A clip of Becky’s promo from Smackdown is shown. Charley talks to Ronda backstage, and she says that Becky should know that she wasn’t trying to offend her. She just says that she was learning arm bars while Becky was learning the alphabet. She then tells Becky that she is hypersensitive. She calls her the millenial man. She says she has a bubble-wrapped ego. She is not Charlotte Flair, and being offended doesn’t make Becky right. Ronda isn’t some trust fund baby. She has earned everything. She didn’t pour her heart and soul into changing the meaning of Fight Like a Girl so that the a leader of the revolution could call herself The Man.
We zoom out and Tamina nad NIa are here to wish her luck at Survivor Series.
Riott Squad is here and rumor has it they are very upset about Nia and Tamina yelling at people backstage without writing on anything in black lipstick.
The Squad is in the ring, and Ruby is here to apologize. She gets the whole sad voice thing going and says she struck a nerve with the whole universe. She said she had a week to think about her actions, and she understands why she’s gotten all the backlash that she has gotten. She calls Jim a future Hall of Famer. He was this bad ass powerhouse and had the most infectuous laugh, and in a moment, she took all of those happy memories and turned them into nightmares and embarrassed Natalya, and she enjoyed every second of it. She says she didn’t take it far enough. They have had to scratch and claw for everything they’ve ever gotten and last week, she wanted Nattie to feel emotion, real emotion, and to bawl like a baby. And that’s exactly what she did.
Nattie’s music hits and she attacks from behind, but the three on one is too much. They triple team nattie and hit a Hart Attack. Looks like Nattie has no friends tonight.
The tag team battle royal we were supposed to have will, apparently, still happen. So yay….
Match 3: Tag Team Battle Royal That No One Cares About Because They Don’t
Everyone hits everyone.
Some teams double up on individuals.
Mexicans get a three-to-two representation to please MAGA haters.
Conor hates flying burritos
This could have been Ascension vs Gable/Roode and it would have been just slightly better.
Roode eliminates Conor
Winners: Gable and Roode
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR
Brock and Heyman are here to give AJ props then say that Brock will beat him anyways come Survivor Series.
Heyman says he knows we will agree that no one deserves congratulations more than Brock hisself, but he has some to give out anyway. Congrats to Braun who proved he is an almost unbeatable monster. He congratulates the entire Smackdown roster for avoiding the beating that will be handed out to AJ Styles. Speaking of which, he congratulates AJ. The crowd loves AJ, and Heyman pauses so that they could do so properly.
My feed goes out and comes back to Jinder on my screen. Fuck. Well, he says that last year, he was looking forward to Mahal vs Brock. He said that focus gave AJ an opening to steal his title and his match. So he is here as Brocks friend to offer his services to help Brock focus on AJ Styles. He can show The Beast his mantra.
Heyman laughs this off and mocks the rolling of the rs for some reason. Brock says that Heyman should really hear this because he is Jewish.
Uh….
He tries to teach Brock his peaceful ways, and Brock gives. bit of an effort. He sends Jinder to the outside then germans both Singh brothers a few times.
F5 to Jinder on the outside.
Lashley is in the ring with sunglasses and Lil Bow Wow. Lil makes Lashley pose a few times then hits his favorite pose, and he bends over. Commentary laughs at this, which doesn’t help anything at all.
The strum of a guitar stops the bending over, and Elias is on a stool underneath a spotlight, ready to woo the masses with his wizadry of rock. Crowd tries for a Walk with Elias chant ala Seven Nation Army, and gets it…for the most part.
Elias is on the phone. He introduces himself to Child Protective Services and says that he is here with Lashley with a child that Lashley kidnapped weeks ago. He then asks Lio how old he is and says he cant be more than 10. Lashley has the poor kid pointing at his pecs and biceps, and Lashley just bent over. Yes, it is disturbing, this is why he called. They need to hurry because the longer he is out there, the more likely Elias is to fall asleep.
Lashley calls Elias a clown and tells him to walk down there to the ring and say it in his face.
Elias mocks the Lashley chant. He tells the whole world that Lashley sucks. He is going to come down there, shut the toddler’s mouth, but before he does that….
Elias strums a bit. He’s got a questeion. He asks it.
Match 4: Bobby Lashley vs Elias Everdeen
We come back to RAW with the match already going down. Kick from Lashley and a right,. And another. Whip to the corner and Elias sends Lashley away then hits a nice clothesline. Kick rom Elias and a bunch of rights in the corner. Lio on the apron, but Elias sends him right off. Rollup from Lashley for 1..2.NO! Lashley runs, and gets sent over the top rope to the outside. Elias on the apron. He runs and hits a knee straiht to the face of Lashley. Lashley sends elias into the post shoulder first then into the steps. Lashley rolls in at 8.
Ref hits 9 and Elias looks to get into the ring. Lio comes out from under the ring and holds onto Elias’ leg! Ref hits 10 and that’ that.
Winner: Bobby Lashley via countout
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR
Elias grabs Lio from under the ring and sends him into the barricade just as lashley runs into Elias .He sends him int othe barricade, too. Elias grabs Lio and sends him into the ring. Elias follows. Grabs the pants and lifts Lio up like nothing. Elias sends Lio between the ropes INTO Lashley on the outside.
Alexa Bliss is here with Hot Mickie and…um….Nia and Tamina.
Bliss says that this Sunday is personal. Why?How? She calls Smackdown second best, and says that as captain, she is not only expecting victory, she demands it. She put together the most talented team in history. A key member of her team, Natalya, has had an emotional night. Alexa sent her home to refocus. She wants to introduce the rest of her team: Mickie, Nia Jax, Tamina, and……she has thought long and hard to see who belongs on the team. She needs someone who will risk anything to win, even friendship. The winner of the next match will be the fifth member:
Bayley vs Sasha Banks
Match 5: Bayley vs Sasha Banks
Lockup to start. Sasha with a chop. Sasha runs the ropes then arm drags Bayley into the corner. Bayley with a surprise rolluop for 1….2…NO! Roll through again for 1..2..NO!!!! Bayley with a short clotheslnie and a cover for 1..2..NO!! Whip to the corner. Sasha hits it face first. Bayley on the apron, goes for a neckbreaker, but Sasha stop it and hits a high knee. Sasha hits the roeps. Baseball slide, but Bayley catches her, spins her, and hits a knee to the face. Bayley sends Saha into the ring, but Sasha spins, locks her legs around Bayley, and hits a hurricanrana to the outside. Sasha on the top rope. She hits the knees! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Bayley sends Sasha over the top rope in the corner and hits an elbow, knocking her down. Bayley leaves the ring and slides into the ring for a dropkick, but Sasha stops her and swings Bayley into the ringpost. Sasha enters the ring. She gets on the apron and hits knees to Bayley, squashing her into the post. Sasha goes for it again, but Bayley moves and Sasha hits the post. Bayley pulls her into the ring for a rollup and gets 1…2….NO!!! Bayley up. She rushes Sasha, but Sasha sends her ot the outside apron. Sasha grabs her, but Bayley hits a stunner and both girls are struggling on the apron. They both stand using the ropes. Bayley up first. She grabs Sasha. Bayley goes for a kick. Sasha blocks. Kick to Bayley! Bayley grabs Sasha! Bayley to Belly onto the apron!!!!
We come back with Bayley flying off the top rope for an elbow drop, but Sasha has her knees up! Sasha with the Bank Statement! Tamina and Nia Jax enter the ring and attack alongside Mickie!
.
Winners:
Match Quality:
Personal Enjoyment:
Total Rating:
Leg drop from Nia. Alexa points out that Bayley didn’t win. Sasha didn’t win. So Alexa introduces her fifth member….
Ruby Riot.
MIchael Cole: “What was the point of even having the match?”
Apparently, something is happening backstage. We rush through a hallway and enter a locker room where Becky Lynch has an arm bar locked on Ronda Rousey!!! She holds onto it for a while until people come in to break it up and send Becky out. Ronda is pissed.
IN the ring, everyone seems perplexed.
Becky isn’t done! She comes out to the stage with her music!!!! Becky is heading down the ramp! She ain’t afraid of shit!
She distracts long enough for….
The Smackdown women to enter the ring and attack! Oh look. Charlotte and Becky are working together. Because that makes so much fucking sense.
In come Alicia Fox and Dana Brooke to help. Nia smashes Charlotte in the corner. Becky grabs Aliia and sends her to the outside. Tamina is attacking Naomi in the corner. Naomi and Becky team up to stomp Tamina down. Smackdown looks to take over until Ronda’s music hits. Becky is bleeding a lot. Ronda is stopped by someone, her arm is hurt big time. Becky is back in the ring. She has a chair and hits Ronda in the gut. Naomi and Carmella send Tamina into the steps. Nia gets sent into the post. Charlotte spears Nia on the outside. Becky attacks Ronda with the chair. The Smackdown roster clears the ring and heads through the crowd. Becky stands tall with blood all over her face, staring down at Ronda.
Ronda goes full Julia Stiles and scowls hard from the ring.
End Show