A Bloody Good Time: Ranking The Creepshow Stories

Opening Logo courtesy of Benjamin J. Colón (Soul Exodus)

Let’s talk Creepshow.

It’s probably one of the definitive horror anthology movies, a perfect blend of horror and humor from two of the greatest names the genre ever produced. The first film featured a screenplay from Stephen King and was directed by George Romero. Romero returned to write the second film, which was based on stories by King.

Everyone has their favorite stories in each movie, and this week I’m going to rank them based on which I liked best. I’m only including the first two films here for two reasons. First of all, they’re the only ones with the involvement of King and Romero, and they’re thematically similar. Secondly, Creepshow III is awful and should be forgotten. Chances are you didn’t even know it existed.

There are ten overall, so yes, it’s a top ten. Let’s get into it!

#10: Creepshow 2 Wraparound segments

I have some mixed opinions on Creepshow 2, but I think the least interesting aspect is the wraparound segments. Some kid on a bike is chased by bullies, then the segment becomes animated and he summons a giant venus flytrap to eat the kids. It doesn’t really work because you’re never sure what the intent is supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be scary, because it’s animated. It’s not supposed to be funny, because it’s children being eaten. So what is it?

The animation also isn’t very good. Now granted, it’s better than what I can draw, but I’m not a professional animator. It feels cheap and definitely dated, especially compared to the decent makeup effects on Tom Savini in the live-action portion. I get a movie like Creepshow needs wraparound segments, but they could have put more work into this one.

#9: “Old Chief Wood’nhead” from Creepshow 2

Speaking of lazy, that’s definitely how the first full segment in Creepshow 2 feels. It starts out well enough, with a kindly old couple in a ghost town still trying to run their shop. They’re invaded by a group of criminals who kill them all. Then for some reason, his wooden Indian chief statue comes to life and kills them. The story doesn’t have to be amazing, and this one actually had potential.

The problem is that it’s poorly executed. The thugs are hamming it up with over the top performances, and the kills are bloodless and tame. There’s no real feeling of fun here like there is in the best segments from this series. The best part about it is George Kennedy, who acts as if he’s not in a segment featuring a scalping from a wooden statue as part of its climax. Otherwise, it’s forgettable.

#8: Creepshow Wraparound segments

The intro and ending of Creepshow fare a little better than that of its sequel, and I wouldn’t have been opposed to fleshing it out a bit and making it a full-fledged story. An abusive father, played by Tom Atkins, takes a away a kid’s horror comics and tosses them out. Later, the kid gets a voodoo doll in the mail and tortrues his father. For a very brief segment, this is pretty good. Tom Atkins’ delivery of “That’s why God made fathers, babe” is so sleazy and entertaining.

The only reason this doesn’t rank higher is because, of course, it’s really short. It’s not meant to be a full story and just introduces and ends the film. Atkins is great and the ending is perfectly in line with what this movie is going for. It’s a solid story even with its run time.

#7: “The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verill” from Creepshow

God bless Stephen King for his commitment to this segment. King is not an actor, something he’d probably be the first to admit, but he is very entertaining in this segment. He plays the dumb Jordy to perfection and knows exactly what kind of role he’s meant to play. Jordy is a dumb guy who discovers a meteor outside his yard. It infects him with a type of green fungus, which only spreads when he decides to lay in a tub to relieve the itching. If you don’t know what happens next, you didn’t pay attention to the title.

The only reason I feel this is the least of the original Creepshow main stories is because well, something had to be. This is just a funny story that ends on a sad note. It doesn’t help that unlike some of the people who get grisly ends in this, Jordy didn’t really deserve it. His worst crime is being dumb. He ends up dooming the world, but again, nobody deserves that.

#6: “The Hitchhiker” from Creepshow 2

Speaking of people getting what they deserve, that’s what this story is all about. A woman is on her way home after an affair, and she hits a homeless man while driving. She is a pretty terrible person, so she drives away even though she killed him. That doesn’t stop him from trying to hitch a ride, even after he takes an extreme amount of abuse and resembles a grotesque monster.

If you’ve ever seen one of these stories, you can pretty much tell how this one is going to go beat for beat. The best part of the segment is the makeup and special effects for the increasingly damaged hitchhiker, who just takes a ridiculous amount of punishment. He looks nasty by the end and in terms of effects, it’s some of the best in either movie. The story is pretty generic but those effects more than hold up.

#5: “Something to Tide You Over” from Creepshow

When you grow up in the 90s like I did, you only really know Leslie Nielsen as a comedic actor and that guy from the Naked Gun movies. So imagine my surprise when I watched this movie for the first time and saw him not only in a serious role, but as the villain? He’s also joined by Ted Danson, someone who I mainly knew from Cheers. What I’m trying to say is that when I first saw this on Monstervision, I thought this was the weirdest segment.

Nowadays, I just enjoy it because of Nielsen’s performance. He’s hammy and over-the-top, but that’s the point. He’s also a loathsome character, killing two people in a very horrific way, forcing the man to watch his love interest die before he does. Of course he gets his comeuppance, because that’s how a proper EC Comics-inspired horror tale goes. It’s okay though, he can hold his breath for a loooooooong time.

#4: “Father’s Day” from Creepshow

The first segment of Creepshow is basically held together by its final shot, but what a final shot. “Father’s Day” sees a family getting together to celebrate the life of a deceased patriarch, even though they’re all pretty awful and don’t even seem to care about him. For reasons unbeknownst to us, the man resurrects from the grave as a ghoul and begins to kill them one by one. The entire time, he’s screaming that he wants his cake.

I wasn’t aware that Father’s Day cakes were a thing, but it’s pretty funny that a corpse comes back and kills people presumably just because he’s never given one. The effects for the corpse are great and perfect at establishing the tone of the film. And of course, that final shot, when he gets his cake, lets you know exactly what kind of movie you’re in for. They did the right thing in choosing this to start the movie off with.

#3: “The Crate” from Creepshow

I know there’s a lot of people that love “The Crate” and those people may be disappointed that it’s not #1. I love it too, but it’s just a matter of personal tastes at this point. “The Crate” follows a professor who is absolutely miserable in his marriage, but finds the solution lies in a mysterious crate with a man-eating monster trapped inside of it. Hey, it’s better than going through divorce proceedings, right?

“The Crate” is the kind of segment where everyone plays their roles perfectly. Adrienne Barbeau is great as the shrill WIlma and Hal Holbrook carries things as Henry. I loved the fantasy sequence where he imagines finally stepping up to his wife and of course the monster is great. Dubbed “Fluffy” by Tom Savini, this thing definitely looks like it could eat you alive. And yet, it also looks a little silly, as if to let the audience in on the fact that this movie is meant to be fun. “The Crate” is about as perfect a blend of horror and comedy as this movie gets.

#2: “The Raft” from Creepshow 2

I tend to like strictly horror, however, so the final two spots are reserved for the darkest tales in both movies. Up first is “The Raft”, directly adapted from the Stephen King story of the same name. A group of young adults visit an abandoned lake and get on a wooden raft, where a mysterious oil slick moves towards them. They soon discover its carnivorous and has no trouble picking them off one by one.

Outside of one character who has no problem groping a woman while she sleeps, none of the kids here really deserve what happens. They just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s a pretty simple story with a lot of grisly deaths, as they all make decisions that don’t seem that stupid at the time, but are quickly revealed to be that way when the oil creature seemingly has the ability to think. It’s a good thing it’s confined to the lake, right? Right?

#1: “They’re Creeping up On You” from Creepshow

This is the only story in either movie to legitimately disturb me when I first watched it. Even now, the final scene gets under my skin (see what I did there?) and makes me flinch slightly. A Scrooge-esque businessman with a phobia of germs treats people horribly and may be a racist. Of course, awful people don’t survive very long in these stories, and he’s soon confronted by an ungodly amount of cockroaches.

It was never the roaches themselves that bothered me. They’re gross, sure, but I can get over that. The final sequence, in which they burst out of EG Marshall’s body, is what gave me the willies growing up. It’s just so disgusting that they essentially ate their way into his body and then ate their way out, leaving him a shell when they’re done. And that’s assuming they leave anything at all. It’s a nasty way to go out, which is fitting for a nasty man like Upson Pratt.

So what about you? Which of these is your favorite Creepshow story? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you next week.

Ending Notes:

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