The 411 Dumpster Fire of the Week: Invasion U.S.A. Starring Chuck Norris

Hello, everyone, and welcome to The 411 Dumpster Fire of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

(Warning: This article contains spoilers about Invasion U.S.A.. Just so you’re aware ahead of time).

Invasion U.S.A., directed by Joseph Zito, is one of the, maybe even the, most Chuck Norris movie out of all of the movies Chuck Norris did over his three decade plus career in Hollywood (you can check out my full review of the movie here). Chock full of massive explosions, hellacious gun battles, and badass ass kicking from star Chuck Norris, it’s a movie that gets better with each viewing. It’s just so insane that Invasion U.S.A. actually exists. I doubt that anyone will ever make another action movie quite like Invasion U.S.A., let alone get the chance to star in one. Invasion U.S.A. is also a Christmas movie, as a good chunk of it takes place during the holiday season. In fact, there are two exceptionally bonkers sequences in the movie where we see horrendous and righteous carnage in the midst of Christmas trees, presents, and people shopping in the mall. That first bonkers scene has the dastardly, demonic terrorist leader Mikhail Rostov (Richard Lynch in a career defining villain role) blowing up several suburban houses with a rocket launcher out the back of a pickup truck (and he was doing it while people were putting up their Christmas decorations in their front yards and whatnot). The second scene involves Matt Hunter (Norris) literally driving into a shopping mall that’s being attacked by heavily armed terrorists, jumping out of his truck with dueling Uzis, and killing as many terrorists as he can in the midst of panicking customers and grenades exploding everywhere. The second part of that scene involves a high speed car chase where Hunter and a female news photographer (Dahlia McGuire, as played by Melissa Prophet) try to rescue a kidnapped woman that’s hanging on the side of a Nissan truck that a terrorist stole from the mall. The explosion the scene ends with is truly exceptional.

Now, there are people out there who probably don’t consider Invasion U.S.A. a Christmas movie because, well, it’s a big hooha Chuck Norris action movie. How can it be a Christmas movie? Because it takes place at Christmas?

Yes. Because Invasion U.S.A. takes place at Christmas/during the Christmas holiday season, Invasion U.S.A. is a Christmas movie.

Just like Die Hard.
Just like Die Hard 2: Die Harder.
Just like Lethal Weapon.
And just like I Come in Peace.

And so, without any more what have you, it’s the Dumpster Fire of the Week: The Invasion U.S.A. Edition. Enjoy.

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Up first, the honorable mentions:

5- The federal government: I’ve always been amazed at how completely inept the federal government is in Invasion U.S.A. when it comes to stopping Rostov’s terrorist gang from killing people, blowing shit up, and just causing general carnage. Outside of the CIA, the only entity within the government that seems to know that Rostov is running the show, the government is fucking clueless. The FBI is more interested in tracking down and stopping Matt Hunter and his one man war on the terrorists than stopping the actual terrorists. When the National Guard is activated all the Guard seems to be doing is maintaining what’s left of public order. No one in the Guard seems to be looking for the bad guys. That’s insane. And sad. But then the CIA likes to keep secrets and shit, and if the CIA isn’t interested in telling anyone in charge what the hell is really happening, how can the government be expected to operate at such a massive deficit? I have no idea. But the government should have known that the CIA knew shit and pressed the agency on spilling the beans. That would have been the least it could have done.

4-Adams the CIA guy: As played by Martin Shakar, Adams the CIA guy is the one that tries to bring Matt Hunter back into the fold to take out Rostov. At first, Hunter doesn’t want anything to do with Adams or the CIA since the CIA forced Hunter to take Rostov alive instead of putting a bullet in his head and calling it a day (we see this in a Rostov nightmare). Why should Hunter trust the agency now? Hunter eventually comes back into the fold after Rostov attacks his friend’s house out in the Everglades, but, really, if that hadn’t happened would Hunter have gotten involved at all? Probably not, at least not initially (Hunter might have gone on a one-man war spree after seeing news reports about terrorist attacks on television, but that would have likely been in the middle of the terrorist attack spree and not towards the beginning of it). Hunter coming back certainly had nothing to do with the pleas of Adams or just his natural credibility. And think about what happens later on in the movie, when Hunter meets Adams after Rostov’s gang blows up a carnival and kills a bunch of kids. Hunter wants Adams to help him initiate a scheme to bring Rostov out of the woodworks. Instead of saying “Let’s do it” or “Let’s get the bastard,” Adams complains about how difficult it’s going to be to get an sort of cooperation (and, again, since the CIA isn’t very interested in telling anyone what the hell is really going on, it’s obvious that Adams is just protecting he agency and trying not to make waves instead of working towards a solution to the ongoing terrorist problem). I’m glad that Hunter tricked Adams into paying the tab for Hunter’s food at the food stand. Adams is such a waste of space.

3-The Speedo Terrorist: I don’t remember this character’s name (and, thusly, I have no idea who plays him), but once you watch the movie you’ll know exactly who I’m talking about. The Speedo Terrorist is the terrorist that likes to sit around in a Speedo when he isn’t out in the field, using an M60 to kill Cuban refugees on a boat or leaving behind Christmas bags filled with explosives in malls. I’ve always suspected that the Speedo Terrorist was meant to represent European socialists/European Communists. Rostov is a Soviet. Nikko is some sort of Muslim Socialist/Communist or some shit. The “Asian cop” is Communist Chinese. If you’re going to have a band of Communist terrorists attack America, one of them better be a European to help complete the Communist terrorist axis. And what better way to represent that particular idea than to have a guy in a Speedo? Europeans wore Speedos all of the time in the 1980’s, right? They did it all of the time. And it was disgusting. He wasn’t an Olympic swimmer. The Speedo terrorist was just some guy wearing a Speedo at will. No one does that in America, Jack. No one. This motherfucker sure did cook in that giant fire caused by the Nissan truck exploding, didn’t he?

Fucking Speedo terrorist.

2-Nikko: As portrayed nu Alexander Zale, Nikko is Rostov’s second-in-command and sort of the “voice of reason” within Rostov’s terrorist gang. Nikko is a full believer in Rostov’s big plan to attack America and destroy it, but he just doesn’t want Rostov to get distracted by Hunter or, really, anything else. He just wants Rostov to “stay on task.” And, my God, that is a terrible job to have as managing Rostov is nearly impossible. Rostov is just such a pain in the fucking ass (his nightmares, his need to move resources around to kill Hunter when killing Hunter isn’t in the big plan, Rostov not really blending in and just acting like a fucking asshole around people). Of course, while you mildly sympathize with Nikko because of all he’s dealing with, Nikko is still a scumbag terrorist that wants to kill Americans and destroy the country, so you want to see him die and die horribly. Nikko could have allowed those horny teenagers alone on the beach, or scared them off, or just let them go, but he didn’t. He shot the dude in the back of the head and then shot the poor girl. Nikko then left their bodies on the beach so they could be trampled on by the terrorists when the terrorist boats arrived. Nikko could have moved their bodies. Could have. But then he probably didn’t want to get his suit messed up.

And what’s the deal with Nikko always wearing a suit? Is that his way of blending in? And, my God, that scene where he smiles at Phyllis Diller on the little TV that the horny teenagers had on the beach? That scene still gives me the creeps to this day. What the hell is he smiling at? Is he smiling at Phyllis Diller because he thinks she’s funny, or is he smiling at the idea that his terrorist plan with Rostov is going to stop that kind of shit from happening (Phyllis Diller on TV)? What a sack of crap.

I love that Hunter forces Nikko to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, but I also wish that Hunter beat the fuck out of him, too. Maybe throw the bastard through a window or something. Or run him over with his truck. That would have been awesome, too. Fucking Nikko.

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And the 411 Dumpster Fire of the Week: The Invasion U.S.A. Edition top spot goes to:

1. Mikhail Rostov: Well, who else would it have been? Who else could it have been? Rostov, as played by the now late but always great Richard Lynch, is a murdering psychopath hell bent on destroying America and Americans and a wimpy, whiny lame ass that will only attack when he has an advantage over his opponent. The man can’t go head-to-head with anyone, especially Matt Hunter, a man he is absolutely terrified of. Now, you would think that since he’s so damn afraid of Hunter that he would engage in overkill when going after him with his heavily armed terrorist buddies. I mean, why not launch more rockets and grenades at the elevated house in the Everglades followed by seemingly endless machine gun fire? If Rostov wants Hunter dead why not make sure the motherfucker is dead? Rostov doesn’t do it, though. He surprises Hunter, yes, but he doesn’t go overboard trying to take him out. Out of all of the people in the world, you would think that would be the guy he does that to.

Nope. Rostov calls off the explosions and gunfire right before it gets out of hand. And that is ultimately his biggest mistake. He should have went batshit and ordered his underlings to do the same. Rostov did more blowing up the houses in the suburbs. Of course, those people he killed were never going to go after him because why would they? They’re not soldiers or operatives. They’re just regular people trying to live their lives. Rostov changes, though, when he realizes that Hunter isn’t dead and is coming right for him. Rostov gets scared, flips out, makes mistakes (Rostov is the reason Nikko is dead). And that’s when Hunter knows that he has him. Rostov is going to fucking die.

And, yeah, man, when Hunter finally gets to tell Rostov to his face (well, sort of to his face) that it’s time to die, it’s time to fucking die. Rostov gets to eat a LAWS rocket and he blows up into a million bloody pieces. And that’s just awesome. It’s the perfect end to a truly reprehensible individual. I do wish Hunter got to kick the shit out of him first, though, before launching the rocket at him. Make his face bloody, break an arm, shit like that.

Fucking Rostov.

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