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The Top 19 Movies of 1983: #14-#10
Image Credit: MGM
The Top 19 Movies of 1983: #14-#10
The first 1983 movie that almost made the list was D.C. Cab, an ensemble comedy from director Joel Schumacher. Starring Adam Baldwin and Max Gail, the movie also featured Mr. T, Gary Busey, Marsha Warfield, Paul Rodriguez, Bill Maher, “Shady Grady” hisself Whitman Mayo, and the Barbarian Brothers Peter and David Paul, among others. It’s a movie that I watched about a million times on HBO back in the day and never really tired of it. The obvious draw for me back then was the presence of Mr. T, who was a big deal because of The A-Team, and Max Gail because I was also watching Barney Miller reruns around that time (Max Gail is, was, and always will be Detective Stan “Wojo” Wojciehowicz). It was such a fun movie then and is still a fun movie today.
It just isn’t something that I love anymore. The movie is slower than I remember it being. It meanders a bit too much. There are too many scenes of characters just talking, making noise, and it isn’t appealing one bit. If I find it on TV while flipping around I may watch it, but it doesn’t feel like a necessity anymore. The movie would be so much better if it was somehow faster. I am still a fan of the whole “flamethrower” subplot, though. You have to love that. The fine folks at Kino Lorber released the movie on Blu-ray in December of 2020, and the Blu-ray does have a commentary track on it. So that’s cool.
If you missed week one of this list, or if you just want to read it again for some reason, check it out here.
And now, without any further what have you, the Top 19 Movies of 1983 list continues:
The Top 19 Movies of 1983: #14-#10
14- To Be or Not to Be: This Mel Brooks comedy, a remake of a 1942 Ernst Lubitsch comedy, is yet another movie that I watched a million times on HBO back in the day. From its opening musical number in Polish, to the bit where a disembodied voice announces that, after a spirited argument between star Brooks and his co-star Anne Bancroft in Polish, that the movie would continue on from there in English, the general silliness of the movie is what appealed to me from the get go. The movie’s political themes and takedown of the Nazis became important later on when I fully grasped what all of that was about, but initially it was all about Mel Brooks and company being funny. Charles Durning, who received a Best Supporting Oscar nomination for his part as Nazi Colonel Erhardt, was such a dipshit (his constant yelling for “Schultz!” still gets me laughing to this day). Tim Matheson played the American hero who had a thing for Bancroft’s Anna Bronski and wasn’t funny at all (he was basically the movie’s straight man). And Jose Ferrer’s Professor Siletski pissed me off (how dare he look like Frederick Brosnki and be a bad guy! What an asshole!). And the quotable bits in this movie, my God.
“He’s world famous in Poland.”
“We are not backing down!
Then we’re closing this theater!
We’re backing down!”
“I did it! I did it! I gave the greatest performance of my life. And nobody saw it.”
“First you invade Poland, then you invade Warsaw, then you invade my dressing room! You people are compulsive invaders!”
“Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler!
Heil myself!”
“Let’s face it, sweetheart, without Jews, fags, and gypsies there is no theatre.”
And those are just some of the movie’s best lines. And who could forget Mel Brooks doing his “One man Hamlet,” and Mel Brooks dressed as and portraying Hitler? And the way the movie ends, with every character appearing onstage to do a final bow, including the one guy that was killed in the movie. It’s still brilliant to this day and something I like to re-experience every so often.
13- 10 to Midnight: This terrific Charles Bronson vehicle is a sort of mashup of a cop movie, an action flick, and a slasher movie, with Bronson’s LAPD cop Leo Kessler doing whatever he can to take down vicious serial killer Warren Stacy, bravely played by Gene Davis (Stacy is completely nude every time he kills a woman, a fact that just amps up the movie’s sleaze by about a million degrees). And when I say “whatever he can,” I mean Kessler does whatever he can, including planting evidence to try to lock up Stacy. Of course, Kessler gets caught, Stacy eventually goes free, and Kessler decides to go after Stacy one final time as a vigilante because, godammit, someone has to do it. I can’t stress just how sleazy this movie is. Its violence is often unsettling and, because Stacy is such a horrible person, you end up rooting for the law breaking cop because that’s just how messed up the world of 10 to Midnight is. Violating the law for the “right reason” is the only thing that makes any sense. This movie is also famous for a hilariously weird interrogation scene, where Kessler confronts Stacy with a masturbation device and asks him if he knows what it’s for. “You know what this is for, Warren? It’s for jacking off!” You just don’t expect to hear big Chuck Bronson say something like that, and yet there he is saying it. Go look for it on YouTube. It should be easy to find.
And be on the lookout for Wilford Brimley, Andrew Stevens, and Geoffrey Lewis, as they all offer up ample support for Bronson. They’re all great in their own ways. See if you can get the Blu-ray from Shout! Factory. It’s worth getting. There’s a fantastic commentary track on it from Paul Talbot, the man who wrote two absolutely essential Chuck Bronson books Bronson’s Loose! The Making of the “Death Wish” Films, and Bronson’s Loose Again! On the Set with Charles Bronson. Great stuff.
12- Escape from the Bronx: This low budget Italian sci-fi action classic from director Enzo G. Castellari is a sequel to the equally great 1990 Bronx Warriors, which came out in 1982. It tells the tale of the badass hero Trash (Mark Gregory), who teams up with the even more badass Strike (Timothy Brent) to kidnap GC Corporation president Clark to try to keep the GC Corporation from taking over the Bronx, which is a sort of but not quite a post-apocalyptic wasteland (you have to watch the movie to fully grasp all of this). The GC Corporation’s head mercenary killer, Floyd Wrangler (a hilariously over the top Henry Silva), tries to prevent this from happening all the while keeping the “Bronx citizenry elimination” plan in place. Because that’s what the GCC wants to do. Kill every poor person in the Bronx so they can turn it all into a new megacity for rich people. This movie is just so goddamn bonkers and so full of energy. I mean, Antonio Sabato is in the movie and gives such a batshit insane performance that you can’t believe it’s happening but it is. I love this movie. I watch it every Christmas season while I’m wrapping presents (long, long story that I may tell everyone one day).
Now, there are at least two versions of this movie. The one that I love and watch every year was released on home video by New Line Home Video and runs around 75 minutes. The other version that I’m aware of, the version that’s currently on Tubi and I watched one time on Shudder (it’s also available on Blu-ray from Blue Underground), was roughly 90 minutes and includes scenes that are not in the 75 minute version. The 90 minute version is a much fuller experience, but I can’t quit the shorter version. I love it.
11- A Christmas Story: One of the greatest Christmas movies of all time, A Christmas Story is a movie that everyone likely knows, even if they don’t like the movie. The story of Ralphie Parker and his quest to get a Red Ryder BB gun is something that who knows how many millions of people watch multiple times every Christmas Eve/Christmas Day as it appears on two cable channels for 24 hours every year. I watch it at least once during that two channel marathon every year. It’s such a great movie. The “adult Ralphie” narration by Jean Shepard, who wrote the original story the script is based on, the whole “Leg Lamp” subplot, the Little Orphan Annie secret decoder ring thing, the department store Santa sequence, the whole “You’ll shoot your eye out!” warning, just every moment is brilliant and hilarious. I think it’s safe to say that the movie is beyond criticism now. Even if you want to (and plenty of people complain about the Chinese restaurant sequence) no one cares. How many movies are like that? How many movies have developed that kind of reputation?
And who could forget Darren McGavin as Ralphie’s old man, the Old Man. Every scene he’s in is just so great. The furnace fighting, the infatuation with the Leg Lamp (“It’s a major award!”), the fuses, and the whole “Bumpses dogs” thing. It’s all so great and so goddamn quotable. Every time I think of “Sunsabitchin’! Bumpuses!” I laugh. How the hell is that not a T-shirt or a poster or something?
10- Trading Places: This is another comedy that I watched God knows how many times on HBO back in the day. It has two top stars of the time in it, Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd, along with Jamie Lee Curtis and the bad guy from The Breakfast Club, Paul Gleason. Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche are the top bad guys for Trading Places, two mega rich old money assholes who love playing with and destroying people’s lives. Taking the spoiled and rich Louis Winthorp (Aykroyd) and making him poor, and making the poor Billy Ray Valentine (Murphy) rich all over a $1 bet. What will happen? What does happen is funnier than hell, with everyone getting to shine and be funny (even Paul Gleason). There are just so many classic moments and classic lines, it’s a movie that I don’t think I will ever get tired of or stop laughing at. Denholm Elliott is brilliant in it (watch him react to the various people at the house party). Ron Taylor and James D. Turner, the two guys Billy Ray meets in jail. Frank Oz as the corrupt cop that plants PCP on Louis (who doesn’t laugh when he tries to pronounce “La Boheme?”). Al Franken as the dumbass luggage guy on the train. The whole train sequence! And who could forget the big Jamie Lee Curtis topless scene? There is just so much great stuff in this movie.
“Get the fuck out!”
“Yeah!”
“Looking good Billy Ray! Feeling good Louis!”
**
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