The X-Files 11.9 Review – “Nothing Lasts Forever”

When I heard the dulcet tone of Tad O’Malley, I was sure I was gonna see me some Joel McHale this week. But no. If I want to see him, I guess I’ll just have to head over to the Netflix for that National Lampoon movie. The real story this week is all about vampire cults, religious revenge, and a few folks who seem sad not to be born with a Daisy and Violet Hilton mishap. Spoilers for “Nothing Lasts Forever” follow.

We begin with an operation that…after a minute…doesn’t look like they’re actually trying to save anyone. We see a rib spreader, a casual atmosphere in general, and then a couple of murders. Why would someone have a gun at the ready in an operating room? Why does that operating room look so dark and crappy? Why would a doctor lick a pancreas? Eeeew. Enter some religious whispering, half-assed interrogation, and a spike through the chest and it’s clear from the get-go that someone in this episode has a vampire problem.

One of the ongoing paradoxes of The X-Files is that Scully, the apparent non-believer, is a believer in the usual context—in that she has an imaginary friend in the sky whom she occasionally worships. This week, the show pays special attention to transubstantiation of the Eucharist—the magic trick wherein wafers and wine become the body and blood of Christ before being devoured to spiritually nourish a congregation of believers. Wait—which ones are the vampires again? We have to wonder how Scully’s prayers have changed since the first time we saw her pray—all the way back in season one.

One of the focal characters this week is Juliet, who is doing violence in the name of religion. But for once, the person doing this is not a delusional nut. There actually is an evil to fight, and even though she’s bloody and shaking, she’s going to do it. Juliet also has a mother who cries and prays over her missing daughter, who has some sort of “deformity.” The other main focal character is Barbara Beaumont, who has been acting since the days of Spanky, Darla, and Alfalfa. For you youngsters, that’s a long time. Barbara is vain, selfish, and thinks far too much of her limited and undecorated career. There’s also a Doctor Luvinas, who has a few weird quirks of his own. Barbara and Luvinas enjoy watching her old TV shows, and Luvinas has a chick stitched to his back. Gross.

Media references abound this week: Little Rascals, Sonny and Cher, Dragnet (or was it Adam 12?), and Charo (how many of you even know who that is—coochie coochie?) all got a mention. We also learned that Mulder is a Hammer horror fan, because of course he is! Amid these mentions is a story of a cult of ageless vampires who steal or kill to feast on organs and blood—calling it “dinnie,” which they really shouldn’t. But that’s just the kind of cloying, babyish nickname a woman like Barbara would give her murderous meal tendencies. This isn’t one of those rich, sexy vampire cults (though there is clearly plenty of writhing nakedness happening), more like the dirty, ugly, cult that looks more like a heroin flophouse than a troupe of like-minded folk living the dream. Barbara seeks out kids with flaws, handicaps, deformities, and promises them prettiness in exchange for whatever it takes to feed her appetites. This works out well for Barbie B, since she thrives on adoration in addition to blood. What does every actor want, after all? An audience.

I laughed out loud when Barbara treated the sacrifice to a song sung by her. Mostly, I laughed because it was the same song sung by the Succubus in an episode of “South Park.” There’s got to be a morning after. Kind of an absurd thing for a sun-fearing vampire to sing about. Meanwhile, Juliet does all she can to find Olivia so her mom will do something other than pray and cry for her lost daughter.

Watch for the fun conversation about how Scully came to believe in God in the first place. It’s about her brother, prayers for recovery, and puppies. Mulder never found religion because his parents never bought him a puppy. Not because of alien abduction, his kidnapped sister, or a lifetime of obsession with the unknown. No…it was clearly the lack of a puppy Mulder. LOL Speaking of funny Mulder stuff, his insistence that his new bi-focals are “progressives” is hilarious, and not at all uncommon. One a word gets too associated with old people, it gets changed so the people using it can pretend they aren’t old. That’s why Metamucil (Fibre One), walkers (stabilizers), emphysema (COPD), incontinence (leakage), and dizziness (vertigo) all go by other names now too. Does Scully really believe in God? Unlikely. But many people find comfort in ritual and symbolism.

Eventually Olivia, the missing sister of the avenging Juliet, is chosen to get stitched onto the good Doctor Luvinas. Around this same time, Mulder and Scully show up to question Barbara, whom they expect to look like the 85-year-old woman she is. Before they can figure it all out, they’re both attacked by the vampire cult members and Scully is throw down the dumb waiter, or some other sort of very long chute. Like most places vampires live, the building is huge and old and filled with passages and hidden stuff. Saving the day, Juliet shows up and stakes Barbara. Because chicks named Barb never live through horror stories. In the end, Juliet realizes that she’ll go to prison for what she did. Her faith is so strong though, that she accepts her Earthly fate because she believes a better one awaits her after death. Wow. Nice work if you can get it, right? We’re left with her mother, whose daughter has returned home. Not much has changed though, as she sits at the same table saying the same prayers…this time for her other daughter. Sad times.

Like every other episode this season, we did also get a slam on the Republican standard of “smaller government.” As Doc Lavinas reveals his hideous relationship to Olivia, he opines on how much better life would be if we were all free from the regulations that keep docs from sewing people together. #HumanCentipede I enjoy these asides because I agree with them. If I didn’t though, I’d probably find them annoying and off-putting.

The end of the episode is more meaningful in a lasting way, as Scully contemplates whether or not she’s “out of miracles.” Is there a difference between a prayer candle and wishing on a birthday cake? Are Mulder and Scully the perfect harmonious blend of reason and faith? If so, which one is reason, and which faith? Mulder is the one who “always faces North,” according to Scully, and she’s not wrong. Scully has a request for Mulder, and we don’t get to hear what it is. It’s a leap of faith forward, whatever it is. It occasions Mulder to say, “I always wondered how this was going to end.” So do we, dammit.

I’m convinced that next week represents the end of Fox and Dana’s wacky adventures. But it has seemed like the end so many times, it might be foolish to think this is it. So long as the Cigarette-Smoking Man is alive, he’ll be engaged in chicanery—yes, even after we think we saw his skull on fire. Skinner will always fight the good fight, and Reyes will always look out for herself. I can’t even begin to guess what will happen next week, but whatever it is, it’s gonna be big.

See you’s next week!

7.5

The final score: review Good

The 411

As we near the end of this 11th (and almost certainly final) season of The X-Files, we're given reminders of what's at stake before the end. Where is William? Will Scully be reunited with her son? Will Mulder find out his fatherhood was usurped by one of the most immoral men on the planet? Fans want to know if Mulder and Scully will run away together like Hannibal and Clarice (or Hannibal and Gillian Anderson for that matter). I just want Jeffrey Spender to have a long and happy life…which isn't likely. Oh, and this week there was an organ-stealing vampire cult led by a failed Little Rascals actress.