411’s Final WWE Heat Report 06.08.08

Hey guys and gals, I’m Scott, and this is 411’s Final WWE Heat Report.

All in the Family ran for 202 episodes. Mash packed up after 251 episodes. N.Y.P.D. Blue locked the doors after 261 episodes. Cheers closed its tab after 273 episodes. ER is at 306 episodes and hasn’t flat-lined yet. Dallas rode off into the sunset after 357 episodes. Even The Simpsons, a show so ubiquitous that many of us can no longer remember life without it, is only at 420 (RVD! RVD! RVD!) episodes. But WWE Heat has run for 513 episodes. I’ve had the honor and the privilege of covering 107 of those episodes in 411’s WWE Heat Report. Last weekend, WWE.com posted the final episode of Heat. After 513 episodes, Heat finally did the job and laid down for the three count. I co-wrote Jeff Small’s FINAL Final Fantasy Heat Report, and that was exactly the kind of irreverent, nonsensical, moronic fun that you’d expect from me and Small. But when it came time to write my own Final Heat Report… I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. And I know how strange that sounds. Heat is, in the grand scheme of things, a rather insignificant little wrestling show on the internet. But for the past two-and-a-half years, it’s been my little corner of the IWC, and over that time it has come to mean something very important to me. I’ll have much more to say about Heat somewhere down the road, but suffice it to say that I needed some time to gather myself before heading into the trenches one last time. So now it’s been a week. And now I think I’m ready to say goodbye. This is 411’s Final WWE Heat Report.

I’ve always prided myself on writing the Best Damn Heat Report on the Net, and part of being the best is continually striving to improve. So recently I was proud to debut a completely new format for the Heat Report. The most dramatic change was a drastic reduction in the length of the play-by-play. I loved writing in-depth, detailed reports of each match, but I completely understand that most readers would rather just get right to the highlights. So from now on I’m going to be presenting a more condensed Overview of each match in order to give you a clear view of the main events while skipping over some of the more minor details. However, in order to compensate for the abbreviated length of the Overview, I’m also going to be adding a Background, Analysis, and Rating for each match. The Background will provide a brief review of the recent events in the careers of each of the wrestlers involved in the match while the Analysis and Rating will allow me to give you my opinion on the quality and future implications of the match. Finally, I’ll still include the Result, Length, and Best Spot in order to continue to provide the most complete coverage possible. Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Let’s get to the wrestling.

Match 1: Super Crazy vs. Snitsky

Background: Super Crazy has been having extremely mixed success on Heat as of late. Three weeks ago he teamed up with “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan to defeat Charlie Haas & Robbie McAllister, but two weeks ago he lost a two-on-one handicap match against Paul Burchill & Katie Lea Burchill. He rebounded last week with a victory over Robbie Mcallister, but he’ll have his hands full with the monster Snitsky this week. Snitsky has recently defeated “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Val Venis, jobber Phil Atlas, and even Super Crazy on Heat, but last week he teamed with Charlie Haas in a losing effort against Cryme Tyme. Snitsky will definitely be looking to rebound from that loss and rebuild his momentum with a victory over Super Crazy in this match. So yeah, Super Crazy’s probably going to die here. Just a head’s up.

Overview: Snitsky takes control early with a Big Boot before tossing Crazy over the top rope and down to the arena floor. Crazy slides back in the ring, but Snitsky immediately levels him with a single punch. Snitsky follows up with a clubbing forearm shot to the back and goes for snake eyes, but Crazy floats over, lands on his feet, and connects with a pair of stiff kicks to the back of Snitsky’s leg. Crazy lands a standing drop kick, but Snitsky rebounds off the ropes and drops him with a running shoulder block. Snitsky is selling Crazy’s leg work really well at the moment. Snitsky traps Crazy in the corner and repeatedly drives his shoulder into Crazy’s gut before dragging him back to the center of the ring, hitting him with a scoop slam, and dropping an elbow down onto this chest. Snitsky drags Crazy back to his feet, locks in a double underhook, and shakes the shit outta the poor luchador. Snitsky whips Crazy to the ropes and charges after him, but Crazy gets both boots up and plants them right in Snitsky’s face. Crazy hits the ropes and connects with a basement drop kick to Snitsky’s injured leg. Crazy heads to the top rope and hits a top rope missile drop kick for a two count. Snitsky shoves Crazy to the corner, but Crazy fights back with another basement drop kick to the leg. Crazy goes for some sort of move from the second rope, but Snitsky connects with a Big Boot in mid-air. Oh my stars and garters, I think Crazy might be dead. Snitsky drags Crazy back to his feet, hits the Pump Handle Slam, and gets the three count.

Analysis: I have no problem with Snitsky getting the win and Crazy taking the fall, but Crazy should have been given the opportunity to showcase more of his offense. Even when he loses the match, Crazy has proven that he can make both himself and his opponent look good if given the opportunity, and Snitsky is at the point in his career where he needs to start gaining experience in more competitive matches. We’ve all seen Snitsky win squash matches on numerous occasions, but at some point we have to start believing that he can actually hold his own against more capable opponents. WWE had the chance in this match to use Super Crazy’s skill to emphasize Snitsky’s development as a wrestler, but instead they took the path of least resistance and booked a standard squash match.

Result: Snitsky defeats Super Crazy with the Pump Handle Slam.
Length: 3:07
Best Spot: Snitsky’s Pump Handle Slam
Rating: ¾*

Match 2: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. Santino Marella

Background: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan is the Ric Flair of Heat. Santino Marella is a douche bag. And I think that pretty much gets us up to speed.

Overview: Santino starts out on the mic. That’s always a good sign.

Crowd: “U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”

Santino Marella: “You just… HEY! HEY! You made a big mistake. You see, unfortunately for you, ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Dunkin’ Donuts…”

Crowd: “U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”

Santino Marella: “STOP THAT! Unfortunately for you, ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Dunkin’ Donuts, you are the perfect person to make an example of, to demonstrate to Rodney the Piper and Cousin Sal just what kind of athlete I am. Just like Rodney the Piper, you’re a relic from the 1980’s, and you’re a legend at the bar and the buffet.”

Crowd: “U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”

Santino Marella: “And just like Cousin Sal, I am much bigger and stronger than you. So today, it’s not going to be for the U-S-A. It’s going to be for I-TAL-Y! I-TAL-Y! I-TAL-Y!”

Crowd: “U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”

Say what you will about Duggan, but the dude is MAD over with the fans. God bless jingoism, know what I mean? Anyway, Duggan muscles Marella to the corner in a collar-and-elbow tie-up and Marella begins to climb up the turnbuckles, so Duggan simply releases his hold on Marella causing him to fall face-first down to the mat. You know, getting out-smarted by “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan just has to be a special kind of embarrassing. Marella calls for a test of strength but then goes on the offensive with a volley of punches and kicks before pounding away on Duggan in the corner. Marella tries to whip Duggan to the opposite corner, but Duggan reverses and instead whips Marella to the corner. Duggan charges after Marella and Marella tries to float over, but Duggan is a bit behind schedule and Marella damn near falls right on top of him. Not pretty. Marella again pounds away on Duggan, takes him down with a snap-mare takedown, and then locks in a modified bow-and-arrow. Yes, it’s taken me two-and-half years to finally learn the difference between a bow-and-arrow and a surfboard, but I think I’ve finally got it. Anyway, Marella switches to a rear sleeper hold, but Duggan fights back to his feet and breaks the hold. Duggan hits the ropes and charges at Marella, but Marella connects with a knee shot to the gut that turns Duggan inside out. Marella covers Duggan for a one count and then hooks the leg for a two count.

Marella drives a forearm into Duggan’s back and then drops a pair of sharp elbows down onto Duggan’s chest for another two count. Marella goes back to the rear sleeper hold, but Duggan again fights back to his feet. Marella tries to slam Duggan’s head into the top turnbuckle, but that doesn’t go so well. Duggan instead slams Marella’s head into the top turnbuckle and pounds away on him in the corner. Duggan whips Marella to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and ducks his head to telegraph the big back body drop, so Marella puts on the breaks and kicks Duggan right in the chest. Marella hooks a leg and gets a two count. Marella once again locks in a rear sleeper hold and Duggan begins to fade, but at the last moment he fights back to his feet and breaks the hold. Duggan traps Marella in the corner and repeatedly drives his shoulder into Marella’s gut before hip tossing him damn near all the way across the ring. Duggan sets his sights on Marella and goes for the Three Point Stance Running Clothesline, but Marella slides out of the way causing Duggan to slam chest-first into the top turnbuckle. Duggan staggers back towards the middle of the ring, and Marella catches him with a school boy pin for the three count.

Analysis: You have to love the fact that Duggan got to wrestle an evil foreigner one last time on Heat. And I suppose that Marella needed the win more than Duggan, but I also admit that I would have loved to have seen Duggan get one more win. With Heat being cancelled and Duggan transitioning from a full-time contract to a Legends contract, this may be the last time we see Duggan in action for quite some time. And so yeah, for as much shit as I’ve talked about Duggan over the course of the last few years, I would have liked to have seen that goofy smile on his face after one last victory. But hey, given that Marella just did the job for Cousin F’N Sal, I suppose the least he deserved was a win over Duggan on the final episode of Heat.

Result: Santino Marella defeats “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan with a school boy pin.
Length: 5:02
Best Spot: Marella’s extra-sharp elbow drops
Rating: *

Match 3: Lance Cade vs. Jeff McAllister

Background: Lance Cade was trained by Shawn Michaels, and evidently the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Last month on Raw, Lance Cade punched his long-time tag team partner Trevor Murdoch in the middle of one of Murdoch’s trademark post-match songs. Sure, it didn’t have the visceral impact of booting him through a Barber Shop window, but it got the point across. Anyway, Cade now seems to want to try his hand at singles competition, and there’s no better place to start than with a jobber. Speaking of which, Jeff McAllister is the final jobber in Heat history. Well, unless you count Robbie McAllister, who strangely enough is not related to Jeff McAllister. But yeah, they’re both about to get their asses handed to them, and the sad part is that Jeff here didn’t even really do anything wrong (that I know of) to earn it…

Overview: Cade immediately traps McAllister in the corner and pounds the shit outta him. Run, Jeff. Run for your life. McAllister fights back with a few punches of his own, but Cade levels him with a clothesline. Or was that a lariat? Remind me to ask one of the ROH guys some time. Anyway, Cade drives his knee into McAllister’s back a couple of times and then hits a back suplex. Cade is just toying with McAllister at this point. Cade drops a leg down onto McAllister’s chest and then mockingly stomps on him. Cade drags McAllister back to his feet only to drop him back down to the mat with a clubbing forearm shot to the back. McAllister again begins to climb back to his feet, but Cade again levels him with a clubbing forearm shot to the back. Cade whips McAllister to the corner and charges after him, but McAllister gets a boot up and plants it right in Cade’s face. Cade retaliates with a single punch that drops McAllister before dragging him back to the middle of the ring and hitting his sit-out side slam spinebuster for the three count.

Analysis: Lance Cade looked incredibly dominant in this match, but that was really the only point of the match. I particularly enjoyed the fact that Cade seems to have returned to the smash-mouth style that Cade & Murdoch employed in their best matches. Many think that Cade has the size and skill to be a major star in WWE, so it will be interesting to see if he actually lives up to the potential that so many think he has. Heat would have been a great platform for him to launch his new singles career, but it looks like now he’ll have to fight for time on Raw.

Result: Lance Cade defeats Jeff McAllister with a sit-out side slam spinebuster.
Length: 2:34
Best Spot: Cade’s sit-out side slam spinebuster
Rating: *

Match 4: Charlie Haas vs. Robbie McAllister

Background: So this is it, the final main event in Heat history. And while many (myself included) have bitched and moaned about the final match not featuring a few more high-profile Superstars (or at least Val Venis), there’s something somehow fitting about giving this dubious distinction to the two guys who might just be as far down the WWE ladder as you can go. Charlie Haas found only sporadic success using his Luchador gimmick, but the mask seems to be a thing of the past after being sold by Cryme Tyme. Haas returned to the familiar territory of tag team wrestling three weeks ago on Heat, but since then he’s lost two tag team matches when teaming with Robbie McAllister and another tag team match when teaming with Snitsky. Haas clearly blames McAllister for the two losses they suffered as a team and will be looking to prove that he wasn’t the weak link in the team by defeating McAllister in this match. Across the ring, Robbie McAllister… well, Robbie McAllister’s life sucks. He hasn’t won a match since being caught on camera on TNA Impact just prior to WrestleMania 24. Since then he’s been destroyed in singles action by John “Bradshaw” Layfield, lost two tag team matches when teaming with Charlie Haas, and even been bested by Super Crazy. So this match may very well determine who is the biggest jobber in WWE. And really, is there any better way for Heat to say goodbye than by crowning the King of All Jobbers? I think not.

Overview: Haas takes McAllister down to the mat, locks in a front chancery, and rolls him around the ring. Haas switches to an arm wringer, drives his shoulder into McAllister’s shoulder a couple of times, and then sends McAllister back down to the mat with a deep arm drag. Haas locks in what I can only call a Funk Spinning Wrist-Hold, which is just like the old Funk Spinning Toe-Hold, except applied to the arm instead of the leg. McAllister breaks the hold and fights back with a punch, a head-butt, and a European uppercut (BUT HE’S NOT EVEN EUROP… oh, shit, yeah he is…). McAllister whips Haas to the ropes and goes for a hip toss, but Haas counters into a fireman’s carry takedown. Haas levels McAllister with a running clothesline and locks in an arm bar, but McAllister breaks the hold and pounds away on Haas in the corner. Haas fights back and unloads on McAllister in the corner before whipping him to the opposite corner and charging after him, but McAllister slides out of the way causing Haas to post himself in the corner.

McAllister stomps a mud hole in Haas, hits him with a scoop slam, drops a leg down onto Haas’ injured shoulder, and wrenches away on Haas’ arm. McAllister lands a volley of kicks to Haas’ shoulder, but Haas retaliates with a kick to the gut and a head-butt of his own. McAllister catches Haas in a hammer lock and drives his shoulder into the top turnbuckle two times before hitting the ropes and leveling Haas with a running shoulder block for a two count. McAllister locks in an arm bar, but Haas fights back to his feet and breaks the hold. Haas goes for a running clothesline in the corner, but McAllister gets a boot up and plants it right in Haas’ shoulder. McAllister is doing a great job of targeting Haas’ injured shoulder. I know his career is in Fucksville right now, but I’ve always said that he could be a huge star if he’s ever freed from the Highlander gimmick (and introduced to the wonder of shaving cream). Anyway, McAllister repeatedly drives his knee into Haas’ shoulder, hooks a leg for a two count, and then again hooks a leg for a two count. McAllister pounds away on Haas and goes back to the arm bar and then head-butts the shoulder for a two count. Haas fights back with a kick to the gut, and knee shot to the head, and a volley of punches, so McAllister flings Haas between the ropes and down to the floor. Haas climbs back up onto the ring apron, but McAllister grabs him by the arm and drops his shoulder down onto the top rope. Haas flies off the apron and disappears under the ring…

And then, for old times’ sake, LUCHA HAAS appears one last time on Heat. Lucha Haas slides back into the ring and pounds away on McAllister. McAllister whips Lucha Haas to the ropes and goes for some sort of tilt-a-whirl maneuver, but Lucha Haas counters into a head scissors takedown. Lucha Haas drops McAllister with a flying forearm smash to the face and then catches him with a shoulder to the gut in the corner. Lucha Haas hits the ropes, kicks McAllister in the chest, and hits his trademark belly-to-belly suplex. DAMN, McAllister almost under-rotated and damn near landed right on his head. Anyway, Lucha Haas head up to the top rope, connects with a top rope flying cross body, and gets the final three count in Heat history.

Analysis: Congratulations, Robbie McAllister, you are now officially the King of All Jobbers. Somewhere, Rory is dreading the day he heals up and actually has to return to action. As for Charlie Haas, I’ll admit that it was perversely fun to see Lucha Haas one more time, but unfortunately I can’t see that gimmick getting much air time on Raw. At this point I think Haas’ best bet would be to get drafted to ECW where he should be able to earn a more prominent position and possibly even reunite with Shelton Benjamin from time to time. The bottom line is that even though I’ve taken more than my fair share of pot shots at both Robbie McAllister and Charlie Haas, I’m still a big fan of both guys. Under the right circumstances I think they could both put on some incredibly entertaining matches, and I can only hope that some day WWE actually gives them that chance.

Result: Lucha Haas defeats Robbie McAllister with a top rope flying cross body.
Length: Lucha Haas’ belly-to-belly suplex
Best Spot: 6:57
Rating: *¼

Okay kids, I guess that’s it. There’s a lot I’d like to say about Heat and what writing 411’s Heat Report has meant to me over the past two-and-a-half years, but I’m going to save that for the debut of my new column, Don’t Think Twice, next Saturday. However, before I go, I would like to personally thank each and every one of you that has ever taken the time to read one of my Heat Reports. Because you didn’t have to. You knew that nothing “important” was going to happen on Heat, and you knew that you wouldn’t miss anything “significant” if you skipped the Heat Report. But to those of you who read the Heat Report because you still found Heat entertaining, or because you just love professional wrestling, I thank you. I hope that you never regretted the time you spent reading my Report. I like to think that all of use who watched Heat, who took pleasure in being reminded that basic, fundamental professional wrestling still existed, will always be a strange little family. Because when you’re Heat, you’re Heat for life…