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411’s Instant Analysis 05.28.12: WWE Monday Night Raw

May 29, 2012 | Posted by Sat

Welcome to this week’s Instant Analysis of Monday Night Raw. I’m your humble reviewer, Chad Nevett and a big thanks to Dimitri for filling in last week while I was at work. From what I gather, he liked Raw much more than I probably would have, so fans of someone who’s a bit more positive should have been satisfied. Ah well, back to my overthinking, hypercritical style. Fun! Let’s just get to it…

SEGMENT ONE: An Attempt at Making Sense of Illogical Booking

The Big Show’s heel turn made — and still makes — no sense. Why would he help the man who fired him when, if he’d let John Laurinaitis lose to John Cena and get fired, Laurinaitis’s replacement would no doubt hire him right back? Well, here’s the segment that tries to make sense of that, mostly through distraction. The Big Show is pissed off that everyone wasn’t more upset over his firing and he hates John Cena the most. Not the guy who fired him while he wept openly and begged not to be fired. No, the guy who… mocked and, then, beat the crap out of the man who fired him. Wisely, John Laurinaitis was barely mentioned in this segment, the focus shifted so firmly on the Big Show’s odd outrage that we’re expected to think that’s reason enough for the Big Show to align himself with Laurinaitis and turn on Cena. And cue the idiots telling me I should just stop thinking and enjoy the show… you know, the people who are swallowing this attempt to sidestep the fact that this story makes no sense. (Unless you’re willing to use the explanation that the Big Show is kind of stupid. And I’d buy that.)

Rating: 3.0 out of 10

SEGMENT TWO: Santino Marella vs. Alberto Del Rio
Match Result: Alberto Del Rio made Santino Marella tap out
Match Length: Oh, about fifty seconds

Hey, it’s the United States Champion — AND HE’S TAPPING OUT IN 50 SECONDS TO FURTHER HIS FEUD WITH A WRESTLER’S PERSONAL RING ANNOUNCER! Fuck this shit.

Rating: 1.0 out of 10

SEGMENT THREE: WWE Tag Team Championship Match – Kofi Kingston & R-Truth (C) vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger
Match Result: R-Truth pinned Jack Swagger
Match Length: About seven minutes

A fun match that had an interesting result with Dolph Ziggler seemingly upset over his and Jack Swagger’s inability to actually accomplish anything. Normally, this far into an alliance, I’d moan about breaking them up too soon, but this duo hasn’t fared that well. And both doing their own things should be interesting. I have no complaints about this match. Solid TV match.

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FOUR: CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan
Match Result: Daniel Bryan pinned CM Punk
Match Length: 16 minutes

The pre-match promo segment was… an ad for WWE ’13. I did like Punk’s comment about an actual wrestler being on the cover of a wrestling video game — insult directed towards John Laurinaitis… or Randy Orton? Okay, the former obviously give the context, but isn’t it fun to make up rumors and gossip and find hidden meanings that point to backstage heat between two guys? Sure is. DIRT SHEET!

Goddamn, that was some fine wrestling. Excellent match. I liked the work they did on the outside and around the ring. These are two guys that aren’t afraid to do the odd bit outside of the ring, but you don’t often see Punk going for a Springboard Crossbody off the apron to the outside. The presence of AJ gave the second half of the match a slightly different feel, because you kept waiting for her to get involved somehow and, when she did, it was pivotal — but also minor and innocuous. Bryan gets the win through nefarious means and Kane shows up with a chair and we move closer to the inevitable triple threat match that I have no problem with. Good wrestling, good story advancement, great overall segment.

Rating: 9.5 out of 10

SEGMENT FIVE: Christian vs the Miz
Match Result: Christian pinned the Miz
Match Length: Around four minutes, 15 seconds

Cody Rhodes on commentary was gold: “It means he’s old. Old like you,” is my favorite quote of the night so far. This was a short but enjoyable match; good back and forth, never really slowed down… they filled the time well. Nice to see Christian wrestling often and I almost always enjoy the Miz’s work in the ring nowadays.

Rating: 7.0 out of 10

SEGMENT SIX: Randy Orton RKOs The Miz

It’s never not satisfying to see Randy Orton calmly walk out, enter the ring, and deliver an RKO to someone. If the Miz took Chris Jericho’s place in feuding with Randy Orton, I definitely would not complain. But, seriously, give me a segment like this every week and I will be happy.

Rating: 7.RKO out of 10

SEGMENT SEVEN: David Otunga vs. the Wee Baby Sheamus
Match Result: The Wee Baby Sheamus pinned David Otunga
Match Length: A little under three minutes

Goddamn, that Brogue Kick nearly had Otunga flying out of the ring. Actually, I wish it had. I do appreciate the joke element of Otunga’s character. He keeps trying to prove himself by challenging the biggest men in the company and he continually gets his ass kicked. He’s a delusional jobber and I kind of like that. I enjoy watching him get his ass kicked by the likes of the Wee Baby Sheamus. In fact, my ideal segment may just be David Otunga posing in the ring before Randy Orton calmly walks out, enters the ring, and delivers a giant RKO.

Rating: 6.0 out of 10

SEGMENT EIGHT: The Big Show vs. Brodus Clay
Match Result: No match
Match Length: Didn’t start

The sad thing is that I like the concept of the Big Show’s new persona, just not how it came about or how it’s being booked. He dominated the dominant Brodus Clay, not through heel tactics, merely by being stronger. He’d destroyed Clay cleanly before resorting to beating him with part of the table, so… I guess the idea that the Funkasaurus is someone who’s going to squash people is over and he’s now someone to be jobbed out while they try to make us believe that he’s still dominant? And, then, the tag champs were destroyed… why? I understand what destroying them does for the Big Show, but why them? What good is it to have the champs be made to look completely and utterly ineffective? Their past teaming with Clay made them natural choices to come out, but still. The first time loss/beat down of Brodus Clay, though, should have been something big and, instead, it was another reminder that, hey, the Big Show is a big guy and can physically dominate people. Because, gee, we’ve never seen that before. Take this character out of this context and place him almost anywhere else and it would be great. Here, it’s just frustrating to see such pisspoor booking that puts over someone who doesn’t need it at the expense of those who do in a throwaway, spur of the moment decision.

Rating: 3.0 out of 10

FINAL THOUGHTS

Segment of the Night: CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan

Trash Segment of the Night: Santino Marella vs. Alberto Del Rio

Final Analysis: Poor start, poor end, pretty good middle. As always, everything involving John Laurinaitis and those aligned with him dragged the show down. It’s nothing but leaps in logic and short-sighted decision making that sacrifices months of work that deserved a better payoff. The final shot of Laurinaitis raising the Big Show’s hand was absurd if you stop and think for any longer than two seconds. But, at the same time, the show delivered some solid TV matches, and a fantastic middle-of-the-show main event between Daniel Bryan and CM Punk. The two worlds of the WWE… and you can clearly tell which one I enjoy.

Verdict: 6.0

411 RATINGS SCALE:
0 – 0.9: Torture
1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous
2 – 2.9: Very Bad
3 – 3.9: Bad
4 – 4.9: Poor
5 – 5.9: Not So Good
6 – 6.9: Average
7 – 7.9: Good
8 – 8.9: Very Good
9 – 9.9: Amazing
10: Virtually Perfect