411’s LIVE Raw Coverage 07.12.04: Evolution And Eugene / Batista Vs. Edge

WCWidro called in the 411 Special Forces, also known as the last resource; Aaron Conley. Who knows if Scott Keith is going to get laid tonight, so you may have to put up with this report as the only one tonight. On that note, you’ll probably wind up with two reports to choose from.

Triple H is angry, and doesn’t want anyone in Evolution touching Eugene before he speaks with him. Batista had to take him to Chuck E Cheese, he stole Flair’s robe, and he cost Orton his Intercontinental Title, but it was Triple H who lost the most last night, though, and he demands they follow his lead. Looking sad and distraught, Eugene enters the room, admitting to them that he made a mistake. Triple H forgives him since “friends are friends.” Eugene’s Uncle Eric is angry with him, though, so it’s best Eugene goes see him now. As Eugene leaves, the rest of Evolution isn’t too happy, but Triple H ensures them that Eugene is going to hear some difficult news from his uncle.

Non-Title Match: Intercontinental Champion Edge vs. Batista – Why exactly it this non-title? Ohh yeah, screwjob time. Batista poses on the aisle in a way that would make Shawn Michaels say, “Wow, that’s a tad bit feminine.” Batista invites Edge to lock-up, which of course leads to Edge being tosses down to the mat a couple times. Edge shoves Batista, but after a few punches, he runs straight into a shoulderblock. Batista boot chokes Edge’s, uhh, face. You might want to slip the boot down a tad bit more than that Bat’. Corner shoulders into Edge’s abdomen. Edge kicks Batista in the head off a whip, and after a second rope axhandle, he tries another, only to be kicked in the crotch. Two count. Batista runs into a boot after some boring offense. He gets drop toe held into the second turnbuckle. Spinkick nearly knocks Batista down. A dropkick sends him to the floor. He climbs back on the apron, but Edge shoulderblocks him back to the floor. Randy Orton begins to make his way down to the ring to observe. We’ll continue after this advertisement for Joe Schmo 2. Something about a woman orgasming in a vat of pork and beans, which explains why Scott Keith frequently pimped this show last year.

We’re back live, and it’s bow and arrow resthold time! Orton got himself ejected during the commercial when he tripped Edge. Quick, somebody whisper to Edge that it’s time to Hulk-Up. During the commercial break, Batista smashed Edge’s back into the ringpost, which makes the bow and arrow a tad bit less useless. Sidewalk slam by Batista after Edge mounts a very brief comeback. Suplex gets two. He tries again to make a cover, because God knows THAT makes sense. Since Scott Steiner isn’t getting used, Batista is free to use a bastardized version of the camel clutch. Edge is able to escape and bring Batista down. After a double KO, Edge is able to knock Batista down with an axehandle. Edge counters Batista with a DDT for two. Batista sidesteps a spear, and here comes a Spinebuster! 1-2-nope. He keeps working over Edge’s back with clubbing blows designed to set him up for the Batista Bomb. Edge rolls to the apron and necksnaps Batista on the top ring rope. Batista tries to catch Edge on the top rope, but Edge knocks him off. Missile dropkick from Edge gets two. Batista tries to catch Edge when he goes for a spear, but Edge escapes out the backdoor, rolling up Batista and getting the win by holding onto the top rope at roughly 14:00. Well, that certainly didn’t suck. Batista, though, needs to vary his offense in the early going, because the constant punching and pressing his knee into his opponent’s face isn’t cutting it.