411’s NWA TNA Report 05.28.03

Welcome back my fellow rumproasters. Scott Keith gave Smackdown’s Eddie/Tajiri vs Team Angle 4 stars?!? This is why I don’t do star ratings. The match was good, but geez, four stars is pretty outrageous for that one.

Also, X Pac was supposed to be on TNA last week to run in on the main event last week, but he “missed his flight”. So as far as I’m concerned Waltman’s appearance went as well as possible. Let us hope he can keep up this behavior, as TNA can only benefit from his continued non-appearances. Hang me in effigy for saying this if you must, but I think there’s fun to be had in getting Joanie Laurer to come in to TNA and feud with Jeff. They can pick up right where they left off, and they even have that SHOOT angle of Jeff “holding Vince up” the night of their big IC match in the then WWF, which eventually led to Jeff’s public banishment by the adam’s-apple-bobbing reacharound maestro himself, Vinnie Mac. Hey, she could job to Trinity at least! Eh? She wouldn’t? The hell with her, then.

This just in from New Zealand: Jarrett beat Sting?! Thus unifying the NWA and the WWA championship titles. Chris Sabin also unified the X title and the WWA cruiser belt. So is the WWA dead? Has TNA made some kind of merger with the WWA, thus having McManus’ money at their disposal? Does this mean we will see poor Bret Hart on TNA? Or STING?!?! Let’s not get our hopes up, I’m still waiting for The Swanton Bomb to drop the needle and make his TNA run-in. And WHAT ABOUT GANGREL?!? AND NAKED MIDEON~!!

And if I can slip into fanboy booking mode for a moment (sorry I can’t hold it in), TNA is having all these tournaments, why don’t they have a frickin best of the juniors tourney? Get Tiger Mask 4, Marufuji, Liger-san, Fleisch (?), Lynn, Kash, Red and Super Crazy (?) and there you go. Imagine that.. Jerry Lynn vs Jushin Liger? Sweet Jesus. Thus ends lame fan idea paragraph 1 of 1.

I talked to TNA’s newest worker, TRACY! You have seen her play the ‘psycho’ bitch, now let’s see what she’s like in real life. Wow, you know I’ve spoken with pretty much every woman in TNA! Is it because I’m a SUPER STUD? No.. I can’t live that lie. ENJOY:

1. How do you feel your wrestling exchange with Trinity went this past week? I thought it was some smooth, good stuff. Are there plans for you and her to go at it one on one, or is TNA thinking of putting you up against men?

“Trinity is one tough chick but i think i can hold my own, I would love to wrestle Trinity one on one but who ever they put me up against girl or guy it will be good.”

2. In the Young/Tracy vs Kash/Trinity match you took some really stiff chops. Would you take a table bump, or an H Bomb from the Harrises? It seems pretty dangerous.

“My chest is still stinging, if I run into the Harris brothers and I piss them off I will suffer the consequences!”

C’mon HOSSES, go easy on the ladies. God. It’s not their fault you guys suck so bad you don’t get to wrestle more than once a month.

3. Your debut and subsequent appearances in TNA have gone really well so far. What do you hope to accomplish in TNA in 2003?

“Hopefully they will bring in a womens division, there is a lot of talented girls there and listen to me now when I say I will be the first to hold that belt!”

4. Have you witnessed any ribs since you arrived in TNA? How has it been meeting the TNA staff backstage?

“TNA has been a great experience for me and I enjoy my time there and hope to be there for a long time.”

Check her out at: http://members.rogers.com/tracybrooks/
I know how you like the ladies. Seems she is part of this new breed of North American women’s wrestlers in the indies. Alexis Laree, Trinity, Simply Luscious, April Hunter and Tracy Brooks all have the skills and looks of a valet but are focusing on their in-ring abilities as well. Don’t even email me about how “wommins restling suxxx” if you haven’t witnessed the greatness that is Akira Hokuto: DANGA QUEEN!

TNA Episode #47: “Welcome to the Hogg Pen”

JUST NOW! AJ/DLO vs CM Punk/Cross will SMOKE YOU BARREN! XXX vs the SAT?! MAXIMOS UNITE! What about that WILLOW THE WISP? Kid Kash vs the ROGUE LUCHADOR! Who is it? Theories range from Chyna, X-Pac, Hardy.. or Trinity. Raven vs Gilberti? That could be really good or really bad. And then the icing on the cake: New Jack vs Slash, the two guys in TNA who GIVE and BUMP and BLEED for us! This will be SICK! PROBABLY! STING?! WILLOW? SABU?!?! SALVATORE SINCERE?!?!?!?!

– Live from the TNA Asylum 5/28/03

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Don West

Do not infringe their copyrights.

Recap of Raven going nuts on TNA last week. He DDTed Borasch. No mention of Red’s run in.

In the parking lot, Glen tells Julio and Alexis that they’re not welcome. Then he tells them to go tell Raven he wants to take him on man to man.

The TNA manlove statue shatters and we pan the crowd.

CM Punk & Jason Cross vs AJ Styles & D Lo Brown: Tenay brings up that D Lo said last week about Jarrett doing everything he can to not have to face AJ or DLo for the world title. Cross with a nice snap dragon suplex, no bridge. Cross hits this crazy ass facebuster. The more I see of Cross, the more I realize he is more than just a guy with a cool finisher. DLo and AJ take over and quickly hit an awesome combo – DLo frogsplash and AJ with a spring front flip splash for the double cover. 1..2..3 Winners: AJ & DLo D Lo takes the mic. He says he wants respect. The only way to do that is to win the world title. D Lo says Jarrett has STROKE, and Jarrett is THE GAME! Hahaaa “TRIPLE J” chant! AJ takes the mic. He says D Lo is right. They both have dreams of being the NWA champion. AJ says this team has to end. AJ says to end it with a handshake. They hug. West says: “They’re goin back.. for the dream.”

West and Tenay at ringside. They say the NWA commission is livid at Jarrett for attacking Raven last week. They run down the card for tonight.

Recap of Jarrett’s weekend in Austrailia. We see a clip of JJ facing Sting in WWA ring. JJ has a guitar and goes for a shot, Sting blocks it with his baseball bat.

Jarrett’s music hits. He comes out to the ring in street clothes, belt over his shoulder. Crowd is.. BOOING. This is his first appearance in the Asylum since his match with Raven. “Raven” chant. He says the fans think Raven should be champ. The fans cheer. JJ says “life sucks and then you die”. He calls out Raven. West says Jeff shouldn’t be looking past Glen Gilberti, aka Disco Inferno. Right. “Raven” chant as he enters the ring. “Raven sucks” chant? Raven says Jarrett’s political connections rival those of Stephanie and Shane McMahon. SHOOTY! To the message boards! Raven wants Jarrett in the House of Fun. Huge “Raven” chant. JJ takes the mic. He says Raven on his best day couldn’t beat him on his worst day. “TRIPLE J” chant. This segment is awesome. Jarrett says if the people want Raven to get another shot, then it’s not up to him but he’ll sign for it. Jeff stumbles over his words a few times. It ended weird, Jeff just got cut off by his own theme music. Some guy in a suit hands Jeff a manilla folder. Jeff says something about a suspension.

Glen in the SEX locker room. Glen says he got Raven suspended. He says Siaki doesn’t have SEX at their back tonight, because Sonny let “Raven get over on him” last week.

Asylum Alliance tournament matchup – Sandman & Sonny Siaki vs OHH NO BG James & Konnan: Hahaa Sandman is busted open just walking down the rampway. No Desire tonight? BG James… A dark day for TNA fans. Siaki wants a tag, Sandman jumps off the apron. Oooh Sonny does his front flip legdrop on BG, and completely misses and we get a perfect camera angle on it. Sandman walks out, BG pins Sonny. Winners: Konnan & BG James

Goldy with New Jack earlier today, in the Asylum. He chucks a water cooler bottle off the balcony and it goes through a table. He cuts an awesome promo, saying how that’ll be Slash’s head. Shark Boy walks in. Shark Boy wants the REMATCH with Chutes and Ladders. New Jack at first doesn’t like it, but then he says maybe they can work something out.

TNA girls dance for you. We see their HOTPANTS.

We get a video of the Hard 10 match from last week and the rules. First person to 10 points wins. 1 point for each shot with a trash can lid or other weapon, 5 points for putting someone through a table. You have to win by two points. This is EXACTLY like the Dupp Cup, minus the midgets and Dupps and the outhouse. Ahh yes, the outhouse.

Hard 10 tournament matchup – Slash vs New Jack: Mike Sanders on commentary. Sanders does a broadcaster voice and clearly thinks he’s very funny. Lid shots. 1-1. Sanders sarcastically over-calls the match, thus attempting to ruin another match, this time without even wrestling in it. Now it’s 2-2. New Jack with the leaping chairshot makes it 3-2 in New Jack’s favor. Lid shot evens it up, then Slash takes the lead. 3-4. He chucks a garbage can at the OG, 6-3 Slash. Slash blocks a lid shot with his hands? Now it’s 8-4 Slash. 8-5, a fan hands New Jack a frying pan. Sanders with some hilarious jokes about taking some hair from Tenay’s butt and putting it on his forehead to “make him smarter”. New Jack evens it up 8-8. They trade shots. 10-10. You must win by 2. 11-11. 13-13. This isn’t what I hoped it would be. Slash wants a powerbomb off the top through the ringside table.. New Jack fights out and bodyslams Slash through the table for the win. WINNER: New Jack Well when every other match with these guys in it had a balcony dive, I kind of expected more. I will pay good money to see New Jack tear Sanders a new hole both verbally and in the ring. Cut him, New Jack. Please.

Tenay sat down with Elix and Chris Daniels of XXX, the current tag champs. Daniels says XXX is the best tag team in the sport today. Elix talks about beating Kidman and Mysterio in WCW. He says he wrestles all over the world. Daniels talks about “tradition” in TNA, but that’s all POLITICS! With SEX, they’re the champs. Kind of a meanering interview. Didn’t really add much depth to XXX. Crowd could be heard talking over this segment.

The Harris Boyzzz are hanging in the parking lot. They steal some beers out of someone’s pickup. Killings and Konnan ambush them.

Goldy is with the SATs! Woo Hoo! She’s all smiling. Everybody’s talking about Red. We see footage of Red giving Raven the swanton on Raven through the table. The SATs say some catchphrases in spanish and walk off. Wait, It’s WATTS! He smells Goldy’s hair and says “you wanna go? Let’s go.” And he walks Goldy off camera. Uh oh, here comes some Russo smut.

XXX (Elix Skipper & Chris Daniels vs the SATs (Joel and Jose Maximo): Non-title match. Jo-El with a yucky crossbody. Pins Elix. Elix MATRIXES UP and hits the spinkick. XXX isolates Jo-El in their corner. Ohhh Elix with what is kind of like an inverted hip toss, but he held Jo-El by his NECK. Daniels hits the double spring moonsault! Only two. Oh my God, Jo-El gets draped over the top rope, Elix with a HUGE spring legdrop. Man Elix is an awesome athlete. Jose is the house of fire. He does the world’s slowest rana. Holy crap, Jo-El has Elix in a crucifix powerbomb set-up, Elix’s legs on the ropes. Jose does the moonsault on Elix. SAT go for the Spanish Fly. No dice. Daniels hits the Angel’s Wings on Jo-El, Jose with a crossbody on Chris that gets two. Skipper WALKS THE ROPES AND HITS THE RANA! The cover! Winners: XXX Here comes Raven! He gives each Maximo the Raven Effect, payback for what Red did! Nice! Who else can do what Elix does? I think you can sum up the SATs by saying they innovate better than they execute.

In the SEX locker room. Glen wants to know where the Harriseses are. Tracy barges in. Desire is here! Tracy wants to talk to David Young, Desire says no way. They have a decent brawl. SEX loves catfights, so they let this fight go on. They bring it out to the ring. Desire with the NICE Rock Bottom. Tracy with the spear. Tracy kind of botches a top rope Thesz Press. David Young comes in and Spinebusters Tracy. He tends to Desire. Announcers speculate that Young just couldn’t take it. Security and some promoter are tending to Tracy.

Backstage, Watts is making out with Goldy. She stops him and says she doesn’t want to do it in a janitor’s closet. She is not happy that Watts exposed their relationship on PPV. She says she can’t trust him because he’s a wrestler. He says he’s going to do something special for her. “WATTS” chant. Come on, man, keep Watts like he was.

Video package of the ROGUE LUCHADOR’s recent shenanigans. They make no mention of the luchador messing with Jerry Lynn for the first month.

Heyy it’s SIMPLY LUSCIOUS! You may remember her from ROH and that PWF recap I did for quebrada.net where she had a not so great match with Alexis. Kid Kash is there, she’s dressed up as a sexy nurse. She says she is checking on his condition. He gets paranoid and thinks this is a set-up by Trinity. She hits him with the clipboard and kicks him a bunch of times.

“Masked Luchadore” vs Kid Kash: Kash sells his beating. Ooh Athena at ringside, looking insanely hot. The Luchadore de-masks, it is Trinity. She is wrestling in this bodysuit meant to cover up the fact that she has boobs. “Trinity” chant. Kash went for a quick crossbody, but Trinity wasn’t ready so Kash turns and gives her The Claw to a big reaction. The Claw is over, people. She just gave Kash a powerbomb, that ruled. Ooh, she goes for a moonsault, he tries to catch her but she came up a little short. Kash with the Moneymaker. Winner: Kid Kash Kash then takes the mic and says he’s going to kill her. Then he walks up the ramp. Crowd is confused. Wha?! Hoo boy, better move on.

Jarrett is in the back with some dude in a suit. Jarrett has this suspension form in his hand. Jarrett says he’s going to “work up a good dump and then wipe my ass with this”. He’s not leaving.

STRIPPERS ARE NOT STRIPPING!

In the SEX locker room. Chris Harris has arrived. Glen says Chris is a friend of SEX. Since James Storm isn’t here and has “personal issues”, Glen offers up Chris Sabin as Harris’ partner. Chris Harris says Glen better not screw him.

Asylum Alliance tournament matchup – Justin Credible & Jerry Lynn vs Chris Harris & Chris Sabin: Tenay mentions Credible and Lynn’s ECDUB feud. UNLIKELY DUOS A-GO-GO. Nice opening sequence between Lynn and Sabin, ending in a Lynn bridged german. I mark for kips and bridges. Harris and Credible go at it for a bit. This crowd is kind of out of it tonight. Lynn leapfrogs a Harris spear, Harris kind of hits the turnbuckle with his shoulder, didn’t look too good on his end. “Jerry” chant. Sabin with the FLASH MAGIC on Lynn. Sabin tags in Harris, wants a double team, Harris sluggishly accepts. Sabin with a NASTY neckbreaker on his KNEE. Jeez this crowd is quiet. Nothing is clicking tonight. Sabin is ON tonight, though. He looks a little like Christian. Harris with a long stalling vertical suplex. Only two. Lynn is in peril, because Credible would put this crowd into a coma if he was in the ring for more than two minutes at a time. Lynn with the F-5 on Sabin! He wants the cradle piledriver. Credible says he’s the legal man. Credible goes for his tombstone, Sabin turns it into a roll-up and snags the win. Winners: Sabin & Harris Credible and Lynn argue. They shove. Oh come on, must we waste the GOLDEN LION on a feud with Credible? Security breaks them up. Takes like 3 minutes to break them up. West has clearly never seen a pull-apart before. I love his freshness, even if he is sometimes a goober. Lynn takes the mic and says: Just like in ECW, I’m going to kick your ass, asshole!” ECDUB chant.

Erik Watts has a mic backstage “Watts” chant! He’s 6’6″ and dreamy! This main event is magnitudinal! Gilberti vs Raven.. Raven is here. Raven says Watts makes him laugh. Watts says he can also be serious. Watts says he knows Raven deserves the title. So Watts is going to back off, and watch Raven kick ass. Thank you for not messing with Watts! Whew, I was afraid they were going to retool the one thing that doesn’t need to be re-tooled. I said it before, I’ll say it again. Lynn is TNA’s Benoit, Daniels is TNA’s Angle, and Erik Watts could end up being TNA’s Rock. Quote me in three months to make me look like a jackass. It’s all about taking CALCUATED RISK, as McMahon would say, no plural on that for the carny queen.

Tenay and West enter the HYPE ZONE. I guess Jarrett and Glen have their title match next week.

Raven vs Glen Gilberti: Let’s see if they can make this show. It’s been a weird night, not the “momentum taker” Bob Ryder talked about wanting in his most recent TNA column. “Raven” chant. Raven brawls with Glen. Gives him a suplex on the concrete, looked painful. Raven does that thing with the chair to Glen’s throat, like The Undertaker did a while back. Glen sells it perfectly, choking and everything. In the ring, Raven cinches in the cobra clutch. Raven has dominated thus far. Glen rallies, and they kind of botch a clothesline. Glen gave it to Raven while he was turning, they both just kind of fall. The clutch is re-applied, crowd talking amongst themselves. Glen goes for the sweep onto the chair, Raven blocks it and tosses the chair at Glen’s head. It lands kind of soft on his shoulder. Raven hits the drop toe hold on the chair. “Raven” chant. Raven with the mounted punches, putting Glen’s head under the kilt Raven’s wearing. The Harrises run in, Julio and Alexis come in to block. A Harris DESTROYS poor Alexis with a choke toss. “Julio” chant, that guy rules. Harris run-in averted. Will Watts come out for a block if someone else runs in? Or will it be a RUSSO SWERVE? Glen works over Raven’s leg. Crowd booing. Glen with the ankle lock, Glen is kind of holding the ankle out there, doesn’t look very painful. Glen with an irish whip into a lethargic trip rolled back into the ankle lock. So is THAT Glen’s finisher? They probably should have tried to get it over BEFORE this big match. Raven with the enziguri kick. “Let’s go Raven” chant. Raven rallies with punches and knees, the crowd comes alive. The bulldog..1..2.. only two! “Let’s go Raven” chant again. Here comes Sonny at ringside. len with a series of knees. Raven with the Raven Effect. Covers..1..2..Siaki pulls the ref out of the ring. Crowd is not outraged because there’s always a ton of interference in big TNA matches. Glen hits the stunner. 1..2.. Raven kicks out. I think that was Disco’s finisher. Glen is outraged. “Let’s go Raven”. Glen hits the ref with a clothesline. 2 run-ins, ref bump, ahh it’s TNA all right. Raven covers, ref is out. Sandman runs in, and ANNIHILATES Raven with cane shots. Jarrett runs off Sandman. JJ said he was going to watch Raven’s back tonight. Raven Effect? It’s.. VINCE RUSSO! Freshly shaven! Hits Raven with a bat. Gilbertti covers, ref is awake. 1..2..3. Winner: Glen Gilberti

Next week Glen faces Jarrett for the title. We check out Russo. He has a weird look on his face – disappointed. End of show.

Well on paper this looked good. There was no one match that really got the crowd going. It was an off show. The crowd wasn’t popping unless you dragged it out of them. They were hot for the Raven/Jarrett segment then passed out for about 45 minutes. The Kash/Trinity feud took a dive, with the predictable revelation (which makes no sense if you watch more than the last two shows) and the real short, kind of messy match. So if Kid Kash can beat her with ease, how is this feud supposed to continue?

Total Value: $6.00 Not an awful show, just a disappointment. Russo back on camera is a good sign, to me at least. His passion really makes a TNA show come alive, as long as the show isn’t just revolving around him. But if he’s back in SEX, then I think that is a very good thing. All of the matches were too short or just not up to their usual standard.

Top 5 Moments of the Show:
5. New Jack and Shark Boy still a team?
4. Russo’s back. Love him or hate him, he brings an energy to the show.
3. The Triple J stuff. I get a kick out of the idea that they’d make an angle out of HHH’s backstage stranglehold on the McMahon family circus.
2. The Claw gets a HUGE reaction. Someone should use that as their finisher.
1. Elix Skipper with the TIGHTROPE WALK RANA! He is getting pretty damn awesome.

TNA Hall of Shame Moment: After getting rid of him, TNA brings back the Road Hogg himself, BG James.

Match of the night: Lynn & Credible vs Sabin & Harris – Jerry gave this thing a little bit of depth, and carried a sluggish Harris and the always forgettable Credible. Sabin was in the zone, gave it a little spark. Rough night for in-ring, though.

It’s that time of the month! Let us behold the contenders for the match of the month, and whether or not it is worthy of toppling my current pick for TNA match of the year.

5/7/03: Chris Harris vs James Storm: Awesome stuff, great NON SWERVE post-match shenanigans. Really good match.

5/14/03: NWA TAG TITLE MATCH – AJ/D Lo vs XXX – was a fun romp. Nothing to clutch close to your bosom though.

5/21/03: AMW vs AJ & D LO – May end up being my pick as the Match of the Month.

5/28/03: Lynn & Credible vs Sabin & Harris: OK match in a night of underwhelming matches. Raven/Glen was plodding, run-in-errific, Russo-mania.

So to me it’s either Storm vs Harris or AMW vs AJ & DLO. Not their best month for in-ring quality. I’ll go with the tag, because I think Storm and Harris can do much better, as good as their match was. The tag match had a hotter crowd.

Match of May: 5/21/03 America’s Most Wanted vs AJ Styles & D Lo Brown – no way does this unseat the current match of the year. So it remains:

Current TNA Match of the Year: 4/30/03 NWA WORLD TITLE – RAVEN vs. JEFF JARRETT(c)