411’s NWA: TNA Report 12.18.02

NWA-TNA Recapped and Reviewed by Joe Somar

– Man, am I tired tonight. This review isn’t going to be as full of play-to-play as usual just because the action was either too chaotic or too boring to call at any given point.

– Live from the TNA Aslyum.

– Your hosts of Mike Tenay and Don West (who TNA apparently dipped in a vat of gold before airtime).

– Mike Tenay talks up the NWA World title as the only legit World title in the business. Highlights are shown of the Jeff Jarrett International Tour for both the Zero One promotion and WWA. You get to see Jeff beat up on both Sting and Lex Luger in the video package. That’s kinda cool.

– Curt Hennig arrives with the corpse of Brock Lesnar draped over his mighty left shoulder. Hennig talks about being loaded and wanting to beat up Russo. Russo comes out The Harris Twins and is down for the long-awaited Hennig vs Russo best of three classic. Before we can witness that MOTYC in the making: Low Ki, Christopher Daniels, and Elix Skipper come out of nowhere and jump Hennig. B.G. James grabs a headset and does a ridiculously bad Jim Ross impression while the TriCUMverate (I dunno, sounds like a name Vince Russo would come up with for these three guys, but maybe he’ll just have them be the new Misfits in Action instead) beat down on Hennig.

– Goldylocks puts a microphone up to Bullet Bob’s mouth backstage. Something resembling speech follows but in the end all that comes across clear is that A.J. Styles isn’t with Russo, he just wants a shot at the NWA World title and gunning for Jarrett is the only way to do get the gold. Speaking of gold…

– 10-Man Gauntlet For the Gold Match with the Winner Receiving an X Title Shot in 2003.
Before this match gets anywhere we cut to back where Jarrett and Styles are wailing on each other. Back to the match. For those who don’t know, a gauntlet goes under Royal Rumble rules with the one exception being eliminations come from pinfall or submission not the battle royalesque over-the-top way. Jason Cross and The Amazing Red kick it off as the respective numbers one and two. I’m not going to really try and call this thing because it’s chaotic to really analyze. Tony Mamaluke comes in at #3 followed by Jimmy Rave at 4. Rave, of course, is not to be confused with the faux-Rockabilly one hit wonder Jimmy Ray. Are you Jimmy Ray? Who wants to know? That song ruled. Shark Boy comes in at #5 and makes my day totally worthwhile. Kid Kash is #6 and there’s still no eliminations. Ace Steele comes out at #7 as Mortimer Plumtree (who snuck onto commentary) reveals that he and Steele are no longer working together. Well at least they explain these things. Rave rolls up Mamaluke for the first elimination of the night. Shark Boy decides that Rave needs to go, so a rolling top rope stunner sends Rave back to the shower. Are you Jimmy Rave? Who wants to know? Jose Maximo comes in at #8 as Shark Boy is rolled up by Kid Kash for the third elimination. Joel Maximo is #9 and David Young is #10. David Young kicks serious ass in the ring and then we get the requisite series of dives to the outside for which these X division matches are so famous. Back in the ring Young is (unfortunately) eliminated via Infrared by Red. Ace Steele takes out Jose Maximo with a SICK top rope DDT and then Steele gets rolled up Joel for the elimination.

The Final Four: Joel Maximo, Kid Kash, Jason Cross, and Red. Kashcanrana gets Joel out really quickly. Red hits a tornado DDT on Kash and we’re down to the two guys it started with. Some totally non-stop action ends with Jason Cross hitting the Crossfire (shooting star legdrop) but not hitting it that well for the pinfall at 22:12. Cross has himself an X title match. ** This was okay and stuff but too cluttered get completely into. I would’ve prefered a more concise Red vs Cross match. Hey, if they ever team up they can be called Red Cross. That’d be kinda cool.

– The S.E.X. Fiends arrive and Russo gets cheap heat right off. Russo also makes various insider remarks about how TNA wouldn’t pay to fly in Christopher Daniels or wouldn’t let Low-Ki wrestle for them unless he committed to a 52-week deal. They really couldn’t think of a good reason for Elix Skipper’s PPV abscence but that’s never stopped anyone before. Russo is totally happy with the TriCUMverate but not as happy with B.G. James and The Harris Twins (I wouldn’t be either when compared to the three guys he just got). Russo tells them that empathy is not what S.E.X. is about. So Russo definitely doesn’t practice Mercerism. Russo calls out Jeff Jarrett and asks where his loyalty lies. Jarrett tells Russo that he’s a fan and a wrestler wannabe and that he was never on Russo’s side nor will he ever. Six-on-chosen one beatdown follows.

– Three-Way Non-Title Tag Team Match: The Disciples of the New Church (w/ James Mitchell and Belladonna) vs America’s Most Wanted vs The Harris Twins
Remember when I said that AMW came carry just about anyone to a quality match? Well, this heartily disproves that theory. The Harris Count for this match is at a whoppin’ 4! This match plods along doing nothing at all as AMW is clueless as to how one can drag a good match out of former members of Disciples of Apocalypse. BUT WAIT?!?! WHO’S THAT?!?!? IT’S ATHENA!!! OH MY GOD, IT’S ATHENA!!! SHE’S PROPELLED FROM THE CEILING WITH A BASEBALL BAT AND SHE’S CLEANING HOUSE ON EVERYONE!!!! Okay, she just ran down the rampway and started wailing on Heavy D. But just as it seemed she was going to get another H-Bomb, The Road Warriors hit the ring and clean house with a Doomsday Device on Slash and powerslams for Lee and the Twins. Wildcat rolls over Slash to get the completely insignificant pinfall at something like 6:00. DUD

– The Road Warriors cut a way more coherent promo than Bullet Bob ever could.

– Three-Way Dance for the X Title: Sonny Siaki vs Jerry Lynn vs EZ Money
Two three-way dances in a row? Isn’t that some sort of booking faux-pas? Oh well. Sonny Siaki looks a lot like Piston Honda today. Andrew McManus is at ringside watching and plotting for the big WWA Invasion angle that Russo is going to pull when this S.E.X. runs dry. You heard it here first! You’ll be seeing Nathan Jones coming through the crowd in two months saying, “You want a war? Well you got one!” This match follows the three-way dance formula exactly to some thoroughly uninteresting results. Nothing much happens until Large-Breasted Woman of Mystery comes out again and distracts EZ Money long enough to get hit with the Siakilypse. Siaki retains the strap at 7:49. 1/2* Brutally boring match.

– Russo offers up the busty young woman to Siaki in exchange for his services as a member of the S.E.X. Fiends. Jerry Lynn attacks but gets double-teamed by Siaki and the chick. Siaki’s membership to S.E.X. is only implied at this point.

– Falls Count Anywhere Match: B.G. James vs The Truth
James sneak attacks from the get-go but loses control of the match and bails. Truth hits an axe-kick on the rampway and the match breaks down into a Monday Night Raw Hardcore title match circa 1999. I guess that makes sense, both men are former Hardcore champs. James uses the trashcan as if The Truth were Big Boss Man or something. Does it really have to be this way? Is it because they failed to capture the tag team titles from Right to Censor two years back? That doesn’t matter though. It’s in the past. That night they captured something more important than tag team gold. They captured the hearts of every American. Okay, this may seems stupid but I guarentee you it’s more entertaining than watching this match. Finally the Tricumverate comes out and lays some damage with nunchucks and kendo sticks. The Truth collapses to the ground and B.G. James scores the academic pinfall at 4:39. -* Never speak of this again.

– Bullet Bob comes out and has this to say: “You snakes in the grass assholes son of a crappers! You want to be big then be big in the ring with some people who are big as well! Yeah, that’s right. FUCKERS! I’m tired of this. NWA. Alright? Get it in there.” Somehow this means the main event of the show is…

– The S.A.T.s and The Amazing Red vs Low-Ki, Elix Skipper, and Christopher Daniels
Well this is going to blow away all those inferior matches from earlier in the night, so I’m going to just sit back and enjoy this. This is not one of those matches you want to recap blow-by-blow. The story of the match is Red getting pounded on by Russo’s Tricumverate but not going down. Several sick moves fail to put Red away. The crowd begins to rally behind him (although they needed some encouragement from Don West) but he comes up just short in the end as he falls victim to the Ki-Crusher at 21:05. The match was easily ***1/2. The crowd is definitely slowly beginning to warm up to Red. TNA might have a potential Mikey Whipwreck ’03 on their hands if they play their cards right.

– Russo and his S.E.X. friends come out and decide that putting people through tables is totally not passe at all. Curt Hennig disagrees and makes the save. However, David Flair jumps in and attacks Hennig. Okay, that would’ve been better with Shawn Stasiak. If you’re going to sweep up released WWE talents, then do better than David Flair. At least Stasiak has a past with Hennig. Either way, there’s already too much clutter in this group. Jeff Jarrett runs in to save the day but A.J. Styles still wants that title shot so they go at it. The show closes with Russo chopping down the TNA set with an axe.

– This week’s show wasn’t that bad really. I was pretty entertained for the most part and the awesome main event really saved the whole thing for me. Right now, the S.E.X. angle is at a crossroads. It can either really awesome and feature wrestling vs sports entertainment or it can become a really derivative nWo clone and just flat-out suck for the rest of its shelf life. I tell you what, David Flair isn’t going to help this angle get any better. All we need now is Vincent, Stevie Ray, Brian Adams, and Horace Hogan. Ugh.

– Well, Happy Holidays everyone. See you in a few for the Rewind and then in two weeks for the first TNA of 2003.