411’s NWA:TNA Report 02.25.04

Stop me if you heard this one before: The Pope, a rabbi and Mel Gibson walks into a bar and…ah, nevermind.

This is NWA TNA, february 25th 2004. I am Dave Gagnon, your TNA recapper for a fourth straight week.

Before I start, I’d like to thank the 10 readers or so who told me about CM Punk’s lifestyle and the meaning of the Pepsi symbol.

Before the show starts, AJ Styles warns me again of the evils of cable theft. AJ Styles: “We need your buys because we just got turned down by Hogan, Hall, Nash, Piper, Chyna, Macho Man…hum…probably Sting…I don’t think Luger will come back…even Mad Mikey turned us down…..what? He is WHAT? Oh God…I am sorry…that was very un-phenomenal of me”.

Video recap of previous events: Russo shocked the world. Russo will turn this company around, just like he did with WCW. Tonight, a new chapter begins…

TNA opening. No more Macho Man music for us. This company is clearly on a downward spiral.

Your hosts are the returning Mike Tenay and Screamin’ Don West.

Opening Match: Ecstasy Juvy Guerrera vs Canada’s Own Petey Williams vs The Returning Jerry Lynn
Petey Williams is subbing for the injured Teddy Hart. However, Hart will be the captain for Team Canada in the second Americas Cup. The remaining members of each teams are looking on. According to PWTorch, Teddy Hart actually got into a fight with CM Pepsi before the show. Well, that crazy Teddy Hart sure knows how to burn bridges. He is even better at it than me. At any rate, he’ll be there in two weeks. Silly little opener with cute spots such as a double armbar and a double inverted ddt. Top rope sunset flip by Petey on Lynn while Lynn was doing a german suplex on Juvy. Entertaining little affair but you really have to wonder how the crowd heat will be for the next Americas Cup considering that we have basically two heel teams going at it. The finish of the match: TKO by Jerry Lynn on Juvy but he sells the shoulder injury, giving Petey a chance to pin Juvy after a top rope splash. Not only we have better beer, we also have the best X wrestlers. O Caaaaaaaanada, our hoooooome and native laaaaaaaaaaand.
Winner: Petey Williams

By the way, we learned that Don Callis is back as a consultant and that he is banned from the asylum. So, basically, Callis still has a job in the storylines even though he is out of TNA.

Bill Apter is with America’s Most Wanted. AMW is named the tag team of the year, two months after that year ended. Oh well, better late than never. My pick? I am torn between Hass/Benjamin and The Olsen Twins.

The fun doesn’t stop here, TNA is named the most innovative promotion of the year. Mike Tenay accepts the award from Bill Apter.

Finally, Dave Gagnon is named best TNA recapper of the year, even though he began in late january of 2004. The award is accepted on his behalf by The Fake Tammy Sytch. He needs the attention.

Mike Tenay is in the ring. Tenay is still skeptical of Russo’s intentions but he’s willing to give him a chance. Vince Russo comes out to a thunderous pop, mostly made of silence. “Uncle Vince” chant. Russo is really emotional. Russo cries, using a technique he learned by attending the “Trish Stratus School Of Acting”. Russo sold his soul to the devil by showcasing nudity, vulgarity and violence. This promo is probably scripted by Bob Ryder. Big pop for nudity, vulgarity and violence. Russo: “You can clap all you want but I am not proud of it” somebody in the crowd: “SO WHAT?”. Oh man, order the replay just for that moment, it was hilarious. Another great moment: Russo: “Was it wrong?” somebody in the crowd: “NO IT WASN’T!”. Vince Russo pours his heart out while the crowd chants “Bullshit!”. This face turn is going as good as the situation in Haiti. Russo proclaims himself the antichrist, proving the he visits the net after all. JJ interrupts and is skeptical of Russo’s intentions. According to JJ, all promoters and owners are liars. It takes one to know one. However, JJ invites Russo back to the dark side, Russo refuse. Jarrett slaps around Russo to humilate him but Russo is clear: TNA will not be the Jeff Jarrett Show anymore. I’d rather bet on the Clippers to win the NBA finals but time will tell.

Scott Hudson is with two juggalos: 2 Tuff Tony and Rude Boy. 2 Tuff Tony warns Eric Young to not get in his way.

Coming up next: The team of Swinger and Diamond EXPLOSE. After months of tension, these two finally collide! Actually, they’ve been feuding for a week *cough*. A week full of….hum….tension, animosity and stuff.

Second Match: Swinger -vs- Simon Diamond
They were good friends but they are better ennemies! Russo is cleaning up this show: no TNA dancers. Nice continuity. Bad match. Basic stuff leading to the cheat win for Swinger thanks to brass knuckles. But Senior Official Rudy Charles comes in and orders the match to continue. A couple of minutes later, Jarrett’s goons attack Diamond. The Juggalos runs in for the save but the numbers are still in favor of Jarrett’s goons. The Blackshirts finally makes the save.
Winner: Simon Diamond, by disqualification

Scott Hudson is with The New Franchise. Traci is still hot for those who are wondering. JJ interupts. Shane Douglas offers his help in his war against Vince Russo.

Third Match: Konnan and K-Kwik Killings -vs- Shane Douglas and Shawn Michaels’ Cousin
Tonight, Konnan is Baltimore Ravens’ Ray Lewis. Road Dogg still mentions “The French Fries” but it’s still a very boring joke. And I know a thing or two about boring jokes. Heat sequence on Killings until he makes the hot tag to Konnan. Konnan has Michael Shane in the Tequila Sunrise but the ref is distracted by the melee outside of the ring. The Lovely Traci KOs Konnan with his cast, Michael Shane superkicks him for the win. After the match, we see dissention between Konnan and Killings. Tag teams sure splits a lot when Russo is booking. I like this Franchise team.
Winners: The New Franchise

Scott Hudson is with Chris Harris and the injured James Storm. Harris is a bit pissed about the fact that Russo gave JJ the night off. Harris feels he deserve a rematch with Jarrett. Vince Russo: “At least I am giving you TV time! I am giving you a chance! Do you remember when I turned Booker T into G.I. Bro? Oh yeah! I give the opportunity to succeed! Awwww, fuck it, I need a drink”.

Fourth Match: Chris Harris (w/James Storm) vs The Natural Chase Stevens (w/The Natural Andy Douglas)
Storm is out for six weeks with a shoulder injury. Quick match that sees Harris winning with the Catatonic finisher.
Winner: Chris Harris

However, Vince Russo gives a new opponent for Harris…The Natural Andy Douglas.

Fifth Match: Chris Harris (w/James Storm) vs The Natural Andy Douglas (w/The Natural Chase Stevens)
Geez Louise, another quick match that sees Harris winning with The Most Dangerous Move In The Business: The Rollup.
Winner: Chris Harris

However, Vince Russo has another match in mind for Harris. An handicap match against The Naturals.

Sixth Match: Chris Harris (w/James Storm) -vs- The Natural Chase Stevens and The Natural Andy Douglas
A longer match dominated by The Naturals. Storm evens the odds by kicking a chair into the face of a Natural, then Harris scores the pin. The Naturals lost three times in a row tonight. I expected Russo to swerve everyone and have a team actually win a handicap match for once. This whole segment served its purpose…if the purpose was to make Harris look like a star and The Naturals to look like schmucks.
Winner: Chris Harris

Backstage, Harris is mad at Russo until he learns that he will face Jarrett for the NWA World Title, march 17th. Prediction: Jarrett will give him the rub by kicking out of his finisher and giving him a guitar shot.

Seventh Match: Raven and Sabu -vs- Julio Dineiro and CM Pepsi
Now, I can understand why Sabu is the most homocidal. I can also understand why he is the most suicidal. But the most genocidal? Against which race? Is he an anti-semite or something? Or he’s like “Look, I am so dangerous, I could kill an entire race with my legdrop, ok? I won’t do it but I *could* do it. That’s why I am the most genocidal man in wrestling”. 5 minute match. Big ECW chant from the crowd. This feud is getting a bit stale. Typical Sabu match. Look, the wrestling is not that great tonight. Let’s just hope that AJ and Abyss will be able to steal the show. Anyway, Raven picked up the win by pinning CM Punk with the evenflow ddt. He then vows to beat Jarrett for the NWA world title. Jarrett is a marked man.
Winner: Raven

Next week on TNA:
– A team of Japanese wrestlers will meet Team TNA
– Vince Russo has a surprise for Jarrett
– ICP and 2 Tuff Tony vs Gilberti, Young and Kash
– Abyss and a mystery partner -vs- AJ Styles and a mystery partner for the tag titles
– Vince Russo has a surprise for Chris Harris
– A WWE wrestler that just quit because he was angry about Brock Lesnar’s plane.

Wow, next week is like a big surprise party. Anyway, one thing’s for sure, I’ll be there. Or will I?….Yes, I will……Or will I?

Speaking of surprises, Jonny Fairplay has a surprise for AJ Styles later this evening. Fairplay: “That thing you said about Mad Mikey was bad, man. You gotta pay. Besides, I need a new feud because Chyna left us hanging. Wait a minute….*Chyna* turned us down? No wonder why we don’t get a freakin’ tv deal”.

Main Event: The Phenomenal AJ Styles -vs- The Hoss Abyss – Tables Match
Here it goes: to win the match, you have to put your opponent twice through a table. The winner will pick a partner and they’ll become tag team champions. The loser will also pick a partner and they’ll be the first challenger for the titles, next week. Nice to see these two guys in the main event slot. Good tables match.
Abyss suplexed AJ from the ring to the outside through a table for the first win.
Styles then launched off a table in the ring and head scissored Abyss off the apron onto a table at ringside to even the score one to one.

Then, some funny business. Fairplay interfered but was on the receiving end of a Styles Clash. It took 3 splashes to to put Abyss through the table but the ref was knocked out. Lex Luger then interfered (guess he’s back after all) and threw AJ Styles over the top rope through a table. Luger revived the ref and told him that Styles went through the second table. Abyss wins. Luger applied the torture rack on Styles as the show went off the air.
Winner: The Hoss Abyss

Lex Luger was wearing a Yankees jersey, proving once again that the Yanks suck. Oops. Don’t listen to me, I am just a Sox fans.

Who will be Abyss’ partner? How AJ will react to this injustice? Will any of the surprises deliver? Tune in next week to find out.

So-so show tonight but it sure beats watching the OC. Ohh, burn!

See you next week.

Gags