411’s TNA Impact Report 05.21.09

-Well Randy Harrison needed a night off from the wild and whacky world of TNA, so I decided to pull double duty. Be grateful 411 nation. I’m missing the Cards sweeping the Cubs for this.

-Taped from The Impact Zone in Orlando, FL

-Hosted by Mike Tenay & Don West

-Jeff Jarrett is out to open the show, and sells the injured hamstring which was apparently re-injured in the attack in Nashville last week. Jarrett says there’s not a lot for him to say, and he could rant and rave about what happened but that won’t change anything. He says he learned a long time ago that when an action takes place a reaction must happen, and tonight he’s reacting. He announces that against his better judgment Mick has forced him to make himself the fourth man in the main event at Sacrifice. He says Mick has caused more chaos in the last four months than the Main Event Mafia, and since he ignited the fire he’s going to put it out. He says Foley isn’t fit to be TNA World Champion, and at Sacrifice he’s going to make sure Foley doesn’t walk out Champion. He tells Foley for the next three days he can have a nice day. Foley comes out then and says when he’s wrong he can admit he’s wrong. He says he said a few weeks ago that Jarrett might have been faking a hamstring injury, but last week among all the screaming like a woman he might have heard Jarrett’s hammy tearing right off the bone. He says when he went to the Asylum he went to make peace, but something inside of him snapped. He realized how much he hated Jeff and his dad. Foley says if Jarrett feels he’s not fit to hold the title he’s free to take it, but before he does he asks what Jarrett is going to Sacrifice. Foley suggests Jarrett puts his voting shares in TNA up for grabs so Foley can have all the say. He asks Jarrett if they have a deal, and Jarrett doesn’t immediately answer Foley says he didn’t think so and starts to walk away. Jarrett tells Foley to “turn his big ass around” and says he’s worked too long and too much, and he’ll do whatever he has to do to protect himself and the people in TNA. He agrees to the terms and tells Foley he’s all in. Foley asks the crowd to give it up for Jeff for magically growing a set. Foley says he’s going to put all four participants in singles matches tonight. Foley says tonight it will be Eric Young vs. Sting, Matt Morgan vs. Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett vs. Samoa Joe, and Mick says rumor has it there is a former World Champion walking around who wants a shot at the hardcore legend. He tells that Warrior to bring it on. Odds that mystery opponent turns out to be a colossal disappointment? Even.

-JB is in the back with Steiner and Angle. Angle is looking for Sting, because Sting needs to know his role.

-Lauren talks to Daniels and Suicide. Daniels says he’s one of the elite in the sport, and that means he has to defeat every challenge put in front of him. Tonight that’s him and Suicide vs. the Guns and Lethal Consequences. At Sacrifice that means taking the X Division Title from Suicide. Lauren asks Suicide who he is, and Suicide answers the only way he can…that he is.

Three Way Tag Team Match: Lethal Consequences vs. The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Daniels & Suicide
Daniels starts out with Lethal, and they trade chops in the corner. Daniels takes control with a kick, and Lethal comes back with an armdrag and dropkick. Shelley tags in and gets met with a kick to the face from Daniels, and then a dropkick. Powerbomb from Daniels picks up two, but Shelley comes right back throwing him into the second rope. The Guns both hit a kick to the face, and then Shelley is back in with a snap mare. Shelley comes in with a legdrop, and then a tag is made to Sabin. Sabin hits a standing senton while Shelley drops the knee for two as Lethal is in to make the save. Sabin hits a backbreaker, and Lethal comes off the top with a knee drop for two. The ref puts Lethal out as Creed comes in with a DDT. Daniels delivers a double clothesline putting everyone down. Shelley and Suicide both tag in, and Lethal comes in for the hell of it. Dropkick sends Lethal out, and a Suicide connects with a running legsweep to Shelly. Creed comes in with a dropkick to Suicide, but Sabin comes flying in with a tornado DDT. Sabin hits a kick to the corner, and after a chokeslam Shelley delivers a frogsplash after tagging in for two. Creed hits an enzaguri on Daniels who made the save on the pin attempt, but gets leg swept by Sabin. Lethal delivers the lethal combination to Sabin, and goes for the same move on Daniels. Daniels blocks it sending him to the floor, and hits a springboard moonsault to the floor on Lethal. Back inside its Shelley and Suicide. Shelley goes for sliced bread, but Suicide blocks it and then drives Shelley into second buckle. Suicide hits what amounts to a codebreaker from there to pick up the victory at 6:03. They got a little bit of time and made the most of it. Nonstop action that was near impossible to recap. Good stuff.
Winners: Daniels & Suicide (Suicide pins Daniels-Codebreaker ***)

-A special look at Sting is followed by an unintentionally hilarious training video featuring Booker T and Kevin Nash training for their matches on Sunday.

-Team 3D are out for a word. Bubba says they created the Team 3D Invitational because they wanted to give back to tag team wrestling, and they thought it was going along pretty well. He says they won’t be around forever, but they want to leave behind a great legacy of tag team wrestling in TNA. He says if it wasn’t for tag team wrestling they wouldn’t be here today. He says in trying to give back to tag team wrestling one team has crapped in the hand that is trying to feed them. He says the British Invasion are trying to make a name for themselves, but they’re doing it at the expense of the wrong team. He says they need to have class and dignity if they’re going to be in TNA, and even Beer Money has class and dignity. He says they won’t ever show them up again, but that brings out The Bulld…err…The Invasion. Brutus says Bubba may wonder why they have the bollocks to come out and face them, but even in these tough economic times he managed to get the best insurance policy money can buy. He says they talk about giving back like they’re some kind of royalty, but the only kind of royalty is the British Invasion. Team 3D has heard enough and attacks from that, but the numbers games takes over after Rob Terry attacks with the Feast or Fired Briefcase. They beatdown Team 3D, and Magnus says “That is how you make a name for yourselves…RULE BRITANNIA!” The Invasion busts out a table, but Beer Money runs out to make the save. Roode says if there is one thing Team 3D has taught them its that if they are going to fight, at least have the balls to fight fair. He tells them he’ll see them at Sacrifice, and they’re coming for their titles back. Sheik Abdul Bashir & Kiyoshi come out to back the Brits, because remember kids Iran, Japan, and England are allies. I guess.

-Jarrett bitches at Eric Young in his office for asking him to do something about this. Jarrett says he wanted the opportunity, and Foley gave it to him so make the most of it. Young says as a friend he feels obligated to tell him he’s going to regret saying that.

-Angle catches up with Sting and JB is there with a mic. Angle says he can’t do this again. He says he’s been trying to get a hold of him all week, and asks what the hell is going on. Sting asks if Kurt watches the shows, or if he’s just in them. Kurt responds “This crap? Of course not.” Okay that’s not really what he says. He says of course he watches. Twice even, and sometimes he tivos it depending on how much he’s in it. Sting says if he watched the shows then he watched Lockdown didn’t he? Angle says of course he did, and it was a good show except for when Jarrett screwed him. Sting snaps and screams he got screwed too. Sting says Foley used all the rules he made against him, and tells him its not about Kurt. Sting says its about bringing the title back where it belongs to the Mafia. Kurt says he gets it now. They can team up, and make sure the belt returns to the Mafia. They shake hands, even though Sting is totally with it.

“Showtime” Eric Young vs. Sting
They shake hands at the outset, and Sting pushes Young into the corner on the lockup. Young gets a cheap shot on the break, so Sting responds and goes for a Stinger splash which misses. Young goes for one of his own and that misses too. Young goes to the top, and gets slammed off before getting clotheslined to the floor. Sting covers when Young returns to the ring for two, and then slams Young into the top buckle. Irish whip sends Young back over the top to the floor. Young comes back in with an inverted atomic drop, and hits a forearm for two. Snap mare by Young sets up a pair of elbow drops. EY goes to the second rope, and goes for a dropkick. Sting catches him in the Scorpion Death Lock, and that gets the submission at 3:04. TNA usually doesn’t do subtle well, but the way they seem to be building towards Young snapping has been very good.
Sting (Submission-Scorpion Death Lock *)

-Borash is with Mick Foley in the office, and asks him who the former World Champion is he will be facing tonight. JB asks if its who he thinks it is, and Foley no-sells him asking him to get him a steel chair because this guy is so tough Mick is going to need backup. Hopefully no one spotted David Arquette anywhere near Orlando last week.

-TNA Director of Authority Jim Cornette (not to be confused with TNA Executive Shareholder Mick Foley or TNA Founder Jeff Jarrett…its TNA don’t ask) is in the ring for the contract signing between Angelina Love and Awesome Kong. Angelina has security, but Cornette tells them they aren’t needed in the ring. Cornette asks Angelina to sign the contract, and then asks Raishia to sign as the manager of record. Cornette asks for their final words, and Angelina says she wants to say something. She tells Kong that despite their differences they should just put it all behind them. She apologizes for everything she did, and says at Sacrifice they should just go out and have a really good match. She says after the match she’ll treat her to a real makeover. They’ll do her hair, and get her some new makeup because Angelina isn’t feeling the clown paint Kong has on her mug. After that she’ll buy her a new wardrobe because she wears the same thing all the time and that’s gross. Afterward she’s going to send her to the bestest fat farm in the world and get her butt in shape. If that doesn’t work there’s always lipo. And after all of that she can be a member of the beautiful people and not the hideous beast she is right now. Cornette calls it the most insincere apology he’s ever heard, but Kong takes the handshake anyway. Kong doesn’t let go though, and picks her up in a choke but Angelina squirms away with an assist from the referees. Rudy Charles gets all up in Kong’s grill, and he gets Awesome Bombed through the table for his trouble.

Lauren and Abyss are in Dr. Stevie’s office, but he’s out on business. Lauren is going to give him a piece of her mind for putting her friend Taylor in the monsters ball with Daffney.

-A special look at Kurt Angle is followed by Don and Mike running down the Sacrifice card.

-Lauren catches up with AJ Styles who says everything is on the line in three days including the Legends Title. He says its about more than that though. Its about not saying I Quit. AJ says he could have said I Quit a long time ago when he grew up rough, and when he was making shit money working the indys. He says he will never quit, and he knows Booker is in the same position. This Sunday though one of them will have to. Lauren asks about Joe, but AJ blows her off saying there’s nothing with him and Joe.

-Lauren talks to Matt Morgan about his opportunity to prove himself to Kurt Angle. He says when you’re a big time athlete sometimes you have to make big time business decisions. He says what he’s doing is no different than Kevin Garnett ditching the T-Wolves for the Celtics so he could win a World Title. He asks why the Mafia wouldn’t want him, because look at him. There isn’t a more marketable 7 footer in the business than him. He tells Kurt not to take this loss personally, because its only business.

Matt Morgan vs. Kurt Angle
Someone should tell Morgan that Chris Masters called and wants his entrance back. Morgan fires Angle into the corner, and then grabs a side headlock. Morgan hits the ropes delivering a shoulderblock, and then delivers a clothesline in the corner. He drapes Kurt across the top rope and then drops down on him sending both men to the floor. Morgan rams Kurt into the guardrail, and then heads back inside as we head to break. Back from commercial and Angle is firing away with right hands. Angle hits the ropes, but runs into a backbreaker from Morgan for two. Morgan grabs a reverse chinlock, but Angle is able to elbow out. Kurt connects with the rolling Germans, but Morgan is able to jump out of an Angle Slam attempt. Morgan connects with the Carbon Footprint, but Angle is out at two. Angle rolls through a chokeslam attempt into the ankle lock, but Morgan is able to kick him off. Angle hops on the second rope and dives into the arms of Morgan who hits a fallaway slam. Morgan goes for the elevator suplex, but Angle counters into a small package for the pin at 8:15. Leave it to Kurt to make Chicken Salad out of Chicken Shit. Great match. Afterward Kurt shows his respect for Morgan with a handshake.
Winner: Kurt Angle (Pinfall-Small Package ***)

-A special look at Jeff Jarret is followed by an interview with him and Lauren. She asks him about his torn hamstring, and if he’s in any shape to compete. She says he’s not even dressed and he’s up next. He says he can’t let Foley win, but she asks about the match on Sunday and how he can put himself in jeopardy with his shares on the line. He promises that someone other than Foley will walk out of Sacrifice as Champion, and when that happens business is back to normal.

-Lauren is with Jenna Morasca and asks about her current situation with the MEM. She says there is one small detail that needs to be ironed out. She says Sharmell has until Sunday to apologize or else, and she better do it or else. Wow Ken Patera thought that was a bad promo.

-We get a special look at Mick Foley

Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Jarrett
Joe meets Jarrett in the entrance, and fires him into the crowd. He chops Jarrett as they head up the steps to the top of the Impact Zone. Joe goes to deliver a right hand, but Jarrett ducks and Joe hits the wall. Jarrett rams Joe head first into the wall as the battle continues through the crowd. Joe comes back and throws Jarrett back over the rail to ringside. Joe delivers a series of kicks to the hamstring of Jarrett, and when the referee tries to put a stop to it he gets thrown into the railing. Joe continues to work over the hamstring, as Earl Hebner runs out and calls for the DQ at 2:43. Joe grabs a chair and starts to work over Jarrett which brings out AJ to try to calm him down. Of course Joe will have none of it, and that leads to a pull apart brawl with security keeping them apart. More of an angle than a match to drive home the Jarrett injury. My guess is we get Jarrett’s 339th TNA World Title reign on Sunday after this.
Winner: Jeff Jarrett (Disqualification-Ref Assault DUD)

Mick Foley vs. “Rocky Balboa”
Foley says tonight he’ll face one of the greatest warriors to ever step foot in the ring. From Philadelphia its none other than Rocky Balboa. What were you expecting The Ultimate Warrior or something? Its not even a guy dressed as Rocky, because that would be funny. No instead it’s a god damned card board cutout. And people wonder why no one takes this company seriously. Foley beats on the cutout for a while, and finally gets the win with an elbow drop at 1:26. Yes, this lasted 1:26. Don West’s commentary was pretty funny though.
Winner: Mick Foley (Pinfall-Elbow Drop -*****)

-Foley gives a promo ripping off Rocky’s victory speech from Rocky II before Jarrett comes out to confront him. Jarrett says for the last time he’s made a mockery of the promotion he created seven years ago, and attacks Foley. Angle runs in and delivers an Angle Slam on Jarrett and locks in the ankle lock. Sting comes out to be the peacemaker, but gets waffled in the back by Foley. Jarrett hits the stroke on Angle, but turns into a chairshot from Foley. Foley stands tall as we’re out for the evening.

-I try so hard to like this promotion. I really, really do. But the constant baits and switches to where they tease a “Former World Champion” all night, and you fully expect a letdown. BUT THEY GO BEYOND THAT EVEN. Unbelievable. The final brawl in the ring was well done, but could have been done without the unfunny mockery that preceeded it. Just beyond terrible.