wrestling / TV Reports

411’s TNA Impact Report 06.25.09

June 25, 2009 | Posted by Steve Cook

Hi, Hello and Welcome to 411’s TNA Impact Report! I’m Steve Cook, filling in for Alexander Miezen for this week’s installment of Dixieland hilarity…and after a day with Farrah Fawcett & Michael Jackson passing away, God knows we could use some hilarity. Tonight we’ve got new TNA Champion Kurt Angle along with his new best friend Samoa Joe, Kevin Nash taking on the monster Abyss, and a 10,000 Thumbtack match featuring Taylor Wilde & Daffney! Enough chit-chat, let’s get this shindig started!

TNA Wrestling…Cross The Line

Slammiversary recap! I don’t recap recaps. I will say that seeing Angle with hair is weird.

“Say It Ain’t So, Joe” is your title for this episode.

PYROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! Mike Tenay & Don West are your hosts, and Dave Penzer introduces our first combatants!

Brutus Magnus vs. Brother Ray

Ray attacks Magnus during the entrance, and chops him before entering the ring. Ray is a man possessed as he clotheslines Magnus in the corner and tosses him to the floor. Another chop on the floor, into the guardrail, he tosses Magnus into the crowd but Magnus turns it around pretty quick like. Don West says Ray weighs 400 pounds and I can’t disagree. Magnus into the HAWT Victory Road poster. Back to ringside and back into the ring. Brother Ray GETS THE TABLE for the standing room only crowd in the Impact Zone. He gets it ready as the fans get excited, but here comes the British Invasion! Doug Williams, Kiyoshi & Sheik Abdul Bashir attack Brother Ray, but Brother Devon evens the score with a chair. 3-D for Kiyoshi through a table as the referee calls the match a no contest!

Winner: None?

Don’t ask me for a star rating for that, because I’m not sure it was anything more than something to extend the feud with Team 3-D and Dem Damn Foreigners.

Backstage, Lauren talks to Kurt Angle, or at least tries to. Samoa Joe also has nothing to say. She got nothing! I’d give her something, but that’s a conversation for another time…

Main Event Mafia Interview Time!

I love the MEM theme music. Angle with hair still looks really, really weird. He introduces himself as the TNA Champion. He wishes to invite out the newest member of the MEM, from the Nation of Violence, Samoa Joe! And here Joe comes. When did his music get the hip-hop remix? Hugs and handshakes for Angle, Booker T, Scott Steiner & Kevin Nash. It started with the Nation of Violence, when Joe came back from the beating the MEM gave him, and then the beatings started, and the MEM knew they had to sign him. Joe’s price was a little high, and that’s where Jenna came in. Jenna had enough money to bring in Joe, so apparently Survivor winners make a lot more money now than they did when I watched the show. Every MEM member took a bullet from Joe because that’s what family members do. If you didn’t get it, you’re a frickin’ moron. Apparently Angle forgot to tell Sting, but apologizes and says what Sting didn’t know won’t hurt him.

Here comes Mick Foley! Angle doesn’t owe him an explanation, he owes him a rematch at Victory Road. Angle saw Foley after the match and wants him to cry like he did then. He’s a disgrace to his family and TNA. Angle’s the one with the power, in his contract it says he has the right to pick his opponent at Victory Road. Foley got emotional, and he brings up how he got a three-count on Angle at Slammiversary. This little crybaby will kick Angle’s ass. But it’s Angle’s night of celebration, and he gives a proposal…they can go back to Foley’s office, have a couple of drinks and come to an agreement. He’ll see him backstage! Play the MEM music!

Lauren tries to talk to AJ Styles…Kip James points AJ in the direction of Joe and AJ is off! Tough night for our favorite blond haired interviewer…

Time to review the volatile history between Jeff Jarrett & Mick Foley.

Mike Tenay & Don West are ringside! They’re waiting for a phone call from Jeff Jarrett, but in the meantime they can hype the rest of the show. Here’s the call. It’s time for JJ & Mick to resolve their differences, but it’ll have to wait until next week. We get a hype video for the “Dark Angel” Sarah Stock, who will be debuting in three weeks. I want her now. But instead, we get…

Abyss vs. Kevin Nash

Well, first we get a commercial.

OK, now we get some action. Nash works over Abyss in the corner, but Abyss fires back with punches, but Nash gets a clothesline. Back into the corner. This is a true big man match. Clothesline in the corner by Nash. He poses for the fans. Whip reversed, splash in the corner by Abyss, another one gets an elbow,then Abyss gets clotheslined over the top. They go outside, Nash gets a chair but misses, Abyss bangs his head into the guardrail and the steps. Back into the ring, Abyss gets the chair, and places it in a corner between the 2nd & 3rd ropes, but Nash gains the advantage, gets the chair…Dr. Stevie comes in and tazes Abyss! What the hell? Nash covers Abyss for the win.

Winner: Kevin Nash

You don’t expect me to rate that, do you? Lauren comes in to check on the shocked Abyss. Meanwhile, Beer Money Inc. is on their way, and they’ll be……….NEXT!

James Storm says it’s great to be the champs again. Robert Roode claims themselves to be the greatest tag team in the world. They give credit to Team 3D for being legends. They are three time, three time, three time tag team champions. They want to give Team 3D their rematch, but we hear that great MEM music! Booker T & Scott Steiner come down to the ring. Booker wants to give them a history lesson in the form of the Steiner Brothers & Harlem Heat. Steiner tells them that Angle is calling all the shots, which leads to Mafia rules. The deal is sealed, and Booker & Steiner are now getting a tag team title shot at Victory Road, along with Nash getting a shot at the Legends title. Storm tells them to kneel down and take a drink like everybody else. Tell him he didn’t just say that. Tonight we’re getting some singles matches with these four men, so they can go have a beer and get ready to get their asses kicked!

Here comes Team 3D! Brother Ray wants to know if anybody can understand what the MEM boys said. Beer Money already offered them the title shot, and they plan on taking the offer. Steiner says there isn’t a damn thing they can do about it. Ray mocks Steiner. 3D will make Foley an offer he can’t refuse. Who will get a shot at Beer Money?

Next, we’ll hear from the Beautiful People and see the 10,000 Thumbtack match!

We get a hype video for the thumbtacks. I hope that guy who said he was going to count the tacks actually does.

10,000 Thumbtack Match: Daffney vs. Taylor Wilde

Oh, Daffney. I’d vote for her for President before I vote for the Governor. She attacks Taylor from behind and it’s on! Slaps by Daffney. West comments that Daffney reminds him of his first wife…I can only hope my first wife is like that. Daffney punches away on Wilde. Holy crap, the bag of tacks is on a pole. Taylor gets the bag, but Daffney rakes the eyes and hits her with the bag. Daffney opens the bag and pours the tacks on the mat! They tease the tacks for awhile, and then Taylor drops Daffney on them!

Winner: Taylor Wilde

Well, I can’t say that was quite as hardcore as I was hoping for. On the bright side, I’m sure the rest of the 411 writers weren’t as OFFENDED~! as we thought they might be. Let’s give it *1/2 and move on to the next thing.

Backstage, the Beautiful People cut a promo on Tara, which is apparently short for Tarantula for 15 seconds before a tarantula appears on one of their shoulders. Um……..ok?

I hate to admit this, but I’m not sure which one of them was cutting the promo and which one had a tarantula on their shoulders. It’s easier to tell which is which when they’re shaking their asses on the ring ropes. I’ll assume Angelina Love was talking and Velvet Sky was sitting there with the bug on her shoulder.

In the office, Team 3D pleads for a tag team title shot. Foley & 3D don’t care about each other’s losses. Next week we get to see 3D vs. Booker & Steiner…maybe. Ray has a barbed wire baseball bat. Foley begs them to take the match. Devon says they’ll take the match, Ray wishes him a nice day. Foley doesn’t care. Does anybody?

“Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner vs. TNA Tag Team Champion Robert Roode

Man, I wish I had some guns like Steiner’s. I also wish I had a shirt like Roode’s. My mind on my money, my money on my beer. Steiner gets the advantage early, beating Roode down in the corner. Roode fights back, snap mare, Mr. Perfect neck snap! Vertical suplex by Roode, who does some posing. Then he gets tossed outside, and Steiner sends him into the rail and the steps. Overhead belly to belly by Steiner gets two. Clothesline and a flexing bicep by Steiner, then the pushups! Gotta love that. Crowd trying to get behind Roode…I never thought I’d see that after what he did to my Miss Brooks. Steiner with the bearhug, Roode fights back, but gets kicked, but Roode with a clothesline, flying jalapeno by Roode! Roode to the middle rope, blockbuster gets two! Steiner with a flatliner gets a two count! He goes for the Recliner, Roode fights out, after a series of reversals, Steiner gets a backslide for 3!

Winner: Scott Steiner

That was actually a pretty nice little match. As far as TV matches go, I’d put it in the ** range…as far as PPV matches go it’d be a lot lower, but you gotta lower expectations for TV.

Jeremy Borash is with Kurt Angle. Borash is trying to stir the shit as usual…Angle says he’ll take care of Foley next week. Angle’s the godfather, Sting isn’t. Apparently Sting’s on his way right now and he wants answers. Why in the world is he texting Borash? Well, whatever. If they were really on the technological ball, Borash should have said that Sting tweeted him that message…and it makes more sense that Borash would be following Sting on Twitter than Sting allegedly texting Borash messages. I’ve put way too much thought into this.

Let’s get Foley’s reaction on Jarrett’s call earlier! Foley is open to reconcilation. If JJ is ready to apologize, then Foley is ready to listen. The security guards need new shirts. Foley yells a lot and I’m utterly confused. We’ll deal with all of this next week. Thank God.

We get a video package on Eric Young. He’s paid his dues, by Gawd. Young is rebelling agains the Powers that Be. I thought those guys only existed in late 1999 WCW.

Lauren interviews EY, who claims that none of the people who say that they’re his friend are actually his friend. He’s the court jester and he’s sick of it. Rhino didn’t appreciate Young walking out on him at Slammiversary. Young headbutts Rhino and all hell breaks loose! Well, not really. Rhino goes crazy on who I presume is Jesse Neal. I’m sorry, the bourbon’s really kicking in at this point and I’m kinda sketchy on the fringe TNA characters wearing street clothes.

Lauren talks to Booker T about his match with James Storm. Booker claims the Dudleys (who?) beat nobody. Sharmell wants Jenna’s bony butt in the ring. Dear God, why? (OK, I know they’re feuding, but who wants to see that match?) Lauren is as confused as I am at this point.

Booker T (w/Sharmell) vs. TNA Tag Team Champion James Storm

Storm comes out on the Boozer Cruiser! Who can’t love that? Booker with the advantage early, misses a spin kick, Storm fires back, but Booker regains the advantage. Storm skins the cat, comes back again, Booker with a stun gun. For God’s sakes, it’s like shampoo directions…wash, rinse, repeat. Nice little kick by Booker gets two. Booker misses the scissor kick and Storm fights back again, neckbreaker gets two. Vertical suplex by Storm, and ten punches in the corner! Sharmell hands Booker the beer bottle, he whacks Storm and gets DQed!

Winner by Disqualification: James Storm

I guess it got Earl Hebner too, as he’s also down. Judas Priest, all of these matches have seemed like they’re building to something but then got cut short due to something or other. I can’t go any higher than *13/45ths on that one.

Here comes Sting! How will he react to all of the Samoa Joe stuff? We’ll find out…….NEXT!

AJ Styles is in the ring and he wants a damn explanation from Samoa Joe. HE DON’T KNOW HIM NO MORE! FACE HIM LIKE A MAN! Joe comes out and faces him. AJ asks Joe if he did it for the money. Don’t we all do it for the money? What kind of a dream world does AJ live in? He continues to state the obvious, as Joe screwed the company and screwed the fans. He also screwed himself. Wow, I thought Joe was married and didn’t need to do that…well, then again… Who got to Joe, AJ wants to know. Joe is done, but AJ isn’t and attacks Joe for no reason as far as I can tell. Matt Morgan attacks Styles! Joe & Morgan give Styles a good ol’ fashioned beatdown, here comes Daniels! Unfortunately Daniels is a foot shorter than everybody in the ring, and here come Booker, Steiner & Nash! Why in the world is the bell ringing? Here comes Sting in a purple coat and gray t-shirt! What a fashion disaster! Wait a damn minute, we get a commercial break and then we get to hear him talk? Mike Tenay, you better be a goddamn liar or I’m gonna fuck somebody up.

Sting expected this from Angle, but not from everybody else. It was because of punks like Joe that they started the Mafia to begin with. What else didn’t Sting know? Angle is beyond pathetic. Morgan tells Sting that Angle had everything to do with it. Where does Nash stand? Sting is more surprised with Nash than the rest of them. Wolfpac, man! Nash tells Sting that he stuck up for him and believed in what he had to say. He kept the rest of them from cutting Sting off at the knees. But he went along with Kurt on Morgan because Sting’s plan isn’t working and Kurt’s is. The honor and dignity thing is bullshit. It’s about money! They bought Joe because they couldn’t beat him. You can make friends or money, but you can’t make both. Sting brings up Nash’s son and speaks to the real Kevin. Wow, it’s like watching a Ring of Glory show all of a sudden. Sting offers Kevin his bat and says he can take him out for the Mafia. He turns his bat to him…but he had one of his own and takes out the rest of the Mafia…except for Joe. Joe gets a shot, and the Mafia beats Sting down! It should be noted that Nash wasn’t actually part of that part of the beatdown, but in any event Sting is down as we fade to black.

I gotta tell you…that wasn’t one of the better Impacts I’ve seen. As a person who wants TNA to thrive it really pains me to say that, but this show kinda stunk. Luckily, the rest of the stuff they taped on the night they taped this show sounds better. So…Mr. Miezen should be back next week, and I’ll be back on the 411 in another capacity on a regular basis pretty soon. Until then, Mahalo.

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