411’s WWE Capitol Punishment Report 06.19.11

We are LIVE in beautiful Washington, DC.

411’s good friend Andy Clark is LIVE at the show, and he reports that Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov defeated Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater in the dark match.

United States Championship Match
Kofi Kingston (Champion) vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero
Kingston and Ziggler lock up to start and Ziggler slides behind into a rear waist lock, but Kingston takes him over with a head lock hip toss. Kingston and Ziggler get back to their feet and Ziggler quickly locks in a side head lock, but Kingston breaks the hold and hits a flying back elbow shot at Ziggler comes off the ropes. Ziggler gets back to his feet and goes for a clothesline, but Kingston ducks, hits the ropes, slides between the legs, hits the ropes, and levels Ziggler on the rebound. Kingston goes for the Trouble in Paradise, but Ziggler tosses him onto the ropes. Ziggler hits a leg drop a gets a two count. Ziggler chokes Kingston across the bottom rope, but Kingston fights back to his feet and catches Ziggler with a backslide pin for a two count. Ziggler regains control and locks in a chin lock on the mat, but Kingston fights back to his feet and finds a roll-up pin for another two count. Kingston kicks Ziggler to the ropes and goes for a Stinger Splash, but Ziggler slides out of the way causing Kingston to land on the turnbuckle. Ziggler grinds Kingston’s face into the mat, but Kingston lays into Ziggler with a volley of punches. Ziggler catches Kingston in the sleeper hold, but Kingston escapes out the bottom. Kingston drops Ziggler with chops and then connects with a big drop kick. Kingston lands a back elbow shot and follows up with a double ax-handle shot to the back from the second rope for a two count. Kingston hits the Boom Drop, heads to the corner, and calls for the Trouble in Paradise. Ziggler ducks the Trouble in Paradise and goes for an inverted body slam, but Kingston lands on his feet and transitions seamlessly into the S.O.S. for a two count. Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag, but Kingston counters and gets another two count. Kinston heads up top, but Ziggler springs back to his feet and connects with a punch. Ziggler heads up top, but Kingston knocks him off and connects with a mammoth cross-body from the top rope for a loooong two count. Kingston drags Ziggler back to his feet and goes for another S.O.S., but Ziggler counters into the sleeper hold. Kingston escapes and goes for the Trouble in Paradise, but Ziggler ducks. Ziggler immediately goes for the Zig Zag, but Kingston grabs the ropes to counter. The referee momentarily checks on Ziggler, and that gives Vickie Guerrero the chance to dig her fingers into Kingston’s eyes. Ziggler locks in the sleeper hold and drags Kingston down to the mat. Kingston comes close to grabbing the ropes, but Ziggler rolls him back to the middle of the ring. Kingston refuses to submit, but eventually he passes out and the referee calls for the bell.
Match Result: Dolph Ziggler defeats Kofi Kingston with the sleeper hold.
Match Length: 11:05

We go to the back where R-Truth arrives in a limousine. He is still carrying the WWE Championship that he stole from John Cena on Raw and says that THE CHAMP IS HERE, and he invites Eve to a party tonight. Eve says that she doesn’t even know who Truth is anymore, and Truth says that she’s right. She doesn’t know him at all. Tonight, he wants to dedicate his victory to all the little Jimmies and all the little Jennies.

Elsewhere in the back, Todd Grisham is interviewing the Miz. The Miz says that he can most certainly defeat Alex Riley tonight, because all Alex Riley was ever good for was carrying a briefcase.

Alex Riley vs. The Miz
Miz takes down Riley early and pounds away on him. Miz lands a few kicks and follows up with a DDT for a two count. Riley sits up, but Miz hits the ropes and damn near decapitates Riley with a low big boot. Riley fights back to his feet, traps Miz in the corner, and repeatedly drives his shoulder into Miz’s gut, but Miz eventually slides out of the way causing Riley to fly shoulder-first into the ring post. Riley tumbles out of the ring, so Miz follows him, continues the beating, and rolls him back into the ring. Miz follows Riley back into the ring and gets a two count. Riley again tries to fights back to his feet, but Miz locks in a standing rear chin lock, grapevines the legs, and drags Riley down to the mat. Riley breaks the hold with punches to the gut, but Miz hits an inverted DDT for another two count. Miz heads up top and connects with a double ax-handle shot to the head for a two count. Miz sets Riley on the top rope, ties him up in the tree of woe, and goes for a baseball slide to the head, but Riley gets out of the way causing Miz to crotch himself on the ring post. Riley gets his second wind and sends Miz shoulder-first into the ring post. Riley connects with a spinebuster for a two count. Miz low-bridges the ropes and sends Riley out of the ring, but Riley connects with a leaping kick to the skull from the floor for a two count. Miz rolls out of the ring, and Riley beats him from pillar to post all around ringside. Cole verbally berates Riley, so Riley drags him over the announce table as the crowd goes wild. That gives Miz time to catch Miz from behind and slides him back into the ring. Miz grabs his briefcase and heads into the ring, but the referee takes the briefcase from him. Riley catches Miz with a kick to the gut and follows up with the Implant DDT for the three count.
Match Result: Alex Riley defeats The Miz with the Implant DDT.
Match Length: 9:15

We go to the back where Sgt. Slaughter is welcoming a Barack Obama impersonator to the WWE. Vickie Guerrero arrives on the scene and launches into a Marilyn Monroe inspired rendition of Happy Father’s Day, but the faux-Secret Service carries her away.

The Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rio
The Big Show ambushes Del Rio outside the ring before the match even begins and beats him all around ringside. Show drapes Del Rio across the barricade and gives him a massive chop to the chest. Show rolls Del Rio into the ring, but then MARK HENRY ambushes show from behind on the outside. Henry beats Show senseless, tosses him over the Spanish Announce Table, and then gives him the World’s Strongest Slam through the Spanish Table. Henry goes to work on Show’s knee and drives it into the ground. Show is writhing in pain on the outside while Del Rio is in the ring begging for the referee to begin the forfeit count on Show. (I seriously had no idea there was a ten count for a forfeit, but you learn something new every day.) Show does make it into the ring, so the referee rings the bell, and this match is FINALLY underway. Del Rio quickly takes Show off his feet and goes right to work on the knee. Show creates some distance, waits for Del Rio to charge, and hits the Choke Slam. Del Rio rolls out of the ring, but Show’s knee appears to have given out during the Choke Slam. Show gets back to his feet and lifts Del Rio up to the ring apron, but Del Rio chokes Show over the top rope. Del Rio comes off the top rope, but Show catches him in a Choke Slam. Del Rio counters the Choke Slam and goes for the rolling cross arm breaker, but Show escapes. Show stalks Del Rio, but Del Rio connects with a low drop kick to the knee and locks in a knee bar. Show screams in pain but refuses to submit. Show FINALLY makes it to the ropes, but the damage appears to have been done to his knee. Del Rio gets to his feet in the corner as Show slowly struggles to regain a vertical base. Show briefly gets back to his feet, but his knee immediately gives out. Show uses the ropes to climb back to his feet, but he falls on his face when he lunges for Del Rio. The decides that Show cannot defend himself and has no choice but to end the match.
Match Result: Alberto Del Rio defeats the Big Show via referee stoppage.
Match Length: 4:52 (plus the lengthy pre-match action)

R-Truth is in the back for a photo shoot. As you can guess, this does not end well for our hapless photographer.

Elsewhere in the back. Matt Striker is interviewing Wade Barrett. Barrett grabs the microphone and begins to head to the ring. We’re in Washington, DC, so Barrett runs down all of the ills of American society. Our politicians tweet pictures of their wieners, our educational system is a joke, and our economy is so bad that in twenty years we’ll all be speaking Chinese. Barrett then has a special message for Ezekiel Jackson. Tonight, every “patriot” in this building is going to witness Barrett defeat Jackson.

Intercontinental Championship Match
Booker T refers to Wade Barrett as a “modern-day Steve Regal.” So much win. Jackson goes to work with a volley of punches to the gut that sends Barrett to the mat. Jackson drops a knee and gets a two count. Barrett pulls Jackson down across the second rope and follows up with a kick to the head for a two count. Jackson goes for a clothesline, but Barrett counters into a swinging side slam for a two count. Okay, that was pretty impressive. Barrett locks in a rear chin lock on the mat, but Jackson fights back to his feet and breaks the hold with elbows to the gut. “We want Ryder! We want Ryder!” chant from the crowd. I love these people. Barrett traps Jackson in the corner and stomps a mud hole in him. Barrett pounds on Jackson, but the referee forces him to grant a clean break. Barrett goes for a Big Boot in the corner, but Jackson slides out of the way. Jackson smashes Barrett in the corner and goes for a slam, but Barrett counters with a knee to the gut. Barrett hits Wasteland, but Jackson kicks out. Barrett is more than a little surprised. We’ve got a “U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” chant from the crowd, but I have no idea who it’s for. Maybe Zack Ryder? Jackson fights back and hits a body slam! Body Slam #2! Body Slam #3! Body Slam #4! Torture Rack! Barrett is being tortured, and he has no choice but to tap.
Wade Barrett (Champion) vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Match Result: Ezekiel Jackson defeats Wade Barrett with the Torture Rack.
Match Length: 6:46

Jerry Lawler interviews Ezekiel Jackson in the ring after the match, and Jackson says that this is the greatest day of his life. Tonight he declared his independence from Wade Barrett and the rest of what used to be the Corre, and starting tonight he’s going to prove that nothing is more important than liberty and the personification of domination.

The WWE would like to remind you to please not be a bully. Seriously.

We go to the back where Beth Phoenix, Kelly Kelly, and Santino Marella are meeting Fauxbama. Santino asks Fauxbama if he’s like to see the Cobra. Beth likes the Cobra (winkwink). Santino begins to demonstrate the Cobra, but the faux-Secret Service gets froggy and takes him down.

Elsewhere in the back, Josh Mathews is interviewing CM Punk. Punk says that he really is a politician, because he is surrounded by all of these liars. The only difference between Punk and Rey Mysterio is that Punk admits to using the fans. He doesn’t hide his real feelings behind a mask. So he’s going to go out there, beat Rey Mysterio, and then do the most honest thing the WWE Universe has ever seen.

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk
Punk finds a quick rear waist lock and takes Mysterio down to the mat with a hammer lock. Mysterio counters into a snap-mare takedown to create some distance. Mysterio and Punk lock up, but Punk muscles Mysterio to the corner. Punk slams Mysterio and gest a one count. Punk locks in an arm wringer and whips Mysterio to the ropes. Mysterio goes for a sunset flip, Punk tries to counter, but Mysterio rolls through for a two count. Mysterio sets up Punk for the 619, but Punk shifts out of position. Mysterio baseball slides Punk to the outside and goes for a seated senton from the apron, but Punk catches Mysterio and launches him into the barricade. Punk rolls Mysterio back into the ring and locks in a bow-and-arrow. Mysterio flips out into a cover on Punk and gets a two count. Punk hits the ropes and drops ass-first onto Mysterio’s chest for a one count. Punk locks a body scissors, but Mysterio fights out. Mysterio hits the ropes and charges at Punk, but Punk counters into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for a two count. Punk goes back to the body scissors, but Mysterio escapes and hits a hurricanrana to set up Punk for the 619. Punk once again escapes and goes to work with knees to the gut. Punk transitions into an abdominal stretch, but Mysterio escapes and hits a drop toe hold in the corner that sends Punk face-first into the second turnbuckle. Mysterio goes up top but ends up in the tree of woe. Punk hits a baseball slide to the face for a two count. Punk tells Mysterio to have a happy Father’s Day (shades of WrestleMania 26?) and drives his head into Mysterio’s gut. Mysterio sends Punk to the outside and hits an F’N HUGE ASAI MOONSAULT to the outside. Just gorgeous. Mysterio and Punk head back into the ring and Mysterio goes for a springboard cross body, but Punk catches him and rolls through for a two count. Mysterio heads up top, but Punk catches him and hits a belly-to-back superplex from the top rope for a two count. Punk connects with a knee in the corner and goes for a shoulder to the gut, but Mysterio slides out of the ring. Mysterio hits the 619 in the corner, but Punk position in the corner causes him to fall out of the ring. Mysterio rolls Punk back into the ring and goes for a splash from the top, but Punk gets his knees up for a two count. Punk goes to back to the educated knees and goes for the GO TO SLEEP, but Mysterio counters into a hurricanrana for a two count. Punk connects with a kick to the head but only gets a two count. Punk goes for the GO TO SLEEP, but Mysterio counters into an arm drag that sets up Punk for the 619. Mysterio goes for the 619 once again, but Punk catches him through the ropes. Punk drags Mysterio up onto his shoulders and hits the GO TO SLEEP for the three count.
Match Result: CM Punk defeats Rey Mysterio with the GO TO SLEEP.
Match Length: 14:58

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Randy Orton (Champion) vs. Christian
Orton drops Christian with a clothesline and follows up with a modified Thesz press. Orton hits the ropes and levels Christian with a shoulder block for a one count. Orton locks in a side head lock, hits the ropes, and connects with another shoulder block for another one count. Orton goes back to the side head lock, but Christian breaks the hold with a shot to the lower back. Christian goes for a missile drop kick form the second rope, but Orton swats him out of the way. Christian tosses Orton out of the ring and connects with drop kick between the ropes to the face. Christian goes over the top rope, but Orton avoids contact. Orton rolls Christian back into the ring and gets a two count. Orton takes the action back out of the ring and goes for an elevated DDT off the ring steps, but Christian counters and sends Orton back into the steps. Christian rolls Orton back into the ring and gets a two count. Christian traps Orton in the corner and stands on his throat. Christian hits the reverse neck breaker but only gets a two count. Christian wrenches on Orton’s neck, but Orton fights back with a head butt. Christian charges Orton in the corner, but Orton floats over into a sunset flip for a two count. Christian launches into a volley of mounted punches, and Orton is in rough shape on the mat. He’s got that Krispy Kreme eyes. Christian tries to whip Orton to the corner, but Orton reverses and whips Christian chest-first into the top turnbuckle. Christian rushes Orton, but Orton catches him with a BIG back body drop. Orton pounds on Christian’s chest and goes for a scoop slam, but Christian floats over and goes for an inverted DDT. Orton escapes and charges Christian in the corner, but Christian gets his boots up into Orton’s face. Orton catches Christian with a belly-to-belly slam for a two count. Christian heads out to the ring apron and looks to suplex Orton out to the floor, but Orton once again counters with a head butt. Orton drags Christian up to the top and hits a superplex, but that may have done more damage to Orton than Christian. Orton crawls over to Christian and gets a two count. Orton hits a European uppercut, lifts Christian up onto his shoulder with Christian face upward and pointing forward (90° from a torture rack), and drops Christian into an elevated neck breaker. That was hella sweet. Christian tries to escape to the outside, but Orton catches him with the rope-assisted elevated DDT. Orton goes for the RKO, but Christian counters into an inverted DDT for at two count. Christian sets up for the Spear, but Orton leap frogs and goes for the RKO. Christian counters the RKO and hits the Spear for a LOOOOONG two count. Christian is apoplectic right now. Orton fights back with a drop kick. Christian heads up top and launches himself at Orton, but Orton slides under him to avoid contact. Christina turns to face Orton, but Orton catches him with an RKO for the three count. Christian’s foot was CLEARLY under the bottom rope, but the referee appears not to have seen it. Christian pleads his case to the referee after the match, but the referee says that he didn’t see Christian’s foot. Christian is begging the referee to restart the match and then turns to face Orton, but Orton clocks him with the championship belt. “Payback is a BITCH!” – Randy Orton
Match Result: Randy Orton defeats Christian with the RKO.
Match Length: 14:09

The Bella Twins’ music hits, and they make their way down to the ring accompanied by Keith Stone.

Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
“We want Ryder! We want Ryder!” chant from the crowd to start the match. Swagger takes Bourne down to the mat, but Bourne kips up and lands a kick to the back of the leg. Swagger goes for a hip toss, but Bourne walks up the ropes and flies into a hurricanrana. Bourne heads to the ring apron and flips over Swagger, but Swagger regains his composure and slams Bourne for a two count. Swagger traps Bourne on the mat and repeatedly drives his elbow into Bourne’s ribs. The crowd is DEAD for this match. Swagger traps Bourne in the corner and pounds on his back. Swagger whips Bourne to the corner, and Bourne crumbles to the mat. Swagger comes off the second rope with a splash for a two count. Swagger wrenches on Bourne’s leg and shoves Bourne to the ropes, but Bourne catches Swagger with a hurricanrana. Bourne takes town Swagger with his knees on the shoulders and heads up top, but Swagger avoids contact and levels Bourne with a Big Boot for a two count. Swagger takes Bourne up top, but Bourne creates some distance and hits a DIVING TORNADO DDT. That was hella sweet. Bourne heads up top and goes for Air Bourne, but Swagger rolls out of the way and Bourn lands on his feet. Swagger catches Bourn by the foot and tries to lock in the Ankle Lock, but Bourn twists himself and rolls up Swagger for the three count.
Match Result: Evan Bourn defeats Jack Swagger with a roll-up pin.
Match Length: 7:08

Fauxbama comes out and wishes good luck to both John Cena and R-Truth. He then compares R-Truth to Joe Biden and Teddy Long to a combination of George Bush and himself. Fauxbama begins to head to the back, but Booker T invites him down to the ring. Booker T says that it’s a pleasure to meet the President. He has made history in the United States and all over the world by becoming the first black President and winning the Nobel Peace Prize, but can he do the Spinaroonie? Booker demonstrates the Spinaroonie for Fauxbama, and Fauxbama says that was pretty cool. Booker asks the crowd if they want to see the Barackoroonie. Fauxbama dances like he’s possessed by Shane-O-Mac and hits a passable Barackoroonie. I can’t believe I’m actually recapping this. Somewhere along the line, I clearly made some unfortunate life decisions.

WWE Championship Match
John Cena (Champion) vs. R-Truth
Cena and Truth circle each other to start, and we get the obligatory “Let’s go Cena! Cena sucks!” chant from the crowd. “The crowd is more mixed than Rashida Jones!” – 411 Legend Jeff Small, via Gmail chat. Truth traps Cena in the corner, Cena covers up, and the referee forces the break. Cena whips Truth to the ropes and hits a bulldog, but Truth rolls out of the ring to catch a breather. “Little Jimmy! Little Jimmy!” – The Crowd. Truth climbs back into the ring and Cena damn near catches him with the Attitude Adjustment, but Truth counters into a face buster for a two count. Truth hits the ropes and dances into a leg drop for a two count. Truth locks in a front chancery on the mat, but Cena fights back to his feet and pounds on Truth. Truth hits the ropes and connects with the Lie Detector for a two count. “I invented that move.” – Booker T. Cena slowly climbs back to his feet, but Truth drops him with a single punch. Cena gets to his feet on the ring apron, but Truth levels him again. Cena drops Truth onto the top rope and slides back into the ring, but Truth pops up and connects with a clothesline for a two count. Truth traps Cena in the corner and beats him down with elbow shots to the back of the head. Truth whips Cena to the corner, waits for him to rebound, and catches him with a big hip block for a two count. Truth locks in a body scissors, but Cena counters into the STF. Truth quickly makes it to the ropes the break the hold and immediately follows up with a clothesline for another two count. Truth hits the ropes and goes for another leg drop, but Cena rolls out of the way. Cena hits the Protobomb and goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Truth counters into a Blue Mountain Bomb. Truth charges Cena, but Cena catches him with a drop toe hold into the STF. Truth makes it to the ropes to break the hold and retaliates with the Lie Detector for a two count. “I invented that move right there.” – Booker T, as if we didn’t hear him the first time. Truth heads up top and goes for a cross body, but Cena catches him and rolls through into position for the Attitude Adjustment. Truth escapes and connects with a kick that sends Cena out of the ring. Truth follows Cena out of the ring but stops to steal a Cena cap from a Little Jimmy at ringside. He steals Jimmy’s soda and takes a few swigs, but Jimmy grabs it back and throws it in Truth’s face. Truth is SHOCKED, and that gives Cena a chance to roll him back in the ring, hit the Attitude Adjustment, and get the three count.
Match Result: John Cena defeats R-Truth with the Attitude Adjustment
Match Length: 14:45