411’s WWE Heat Report 11.27.05

Hey guys and gals, I’m Scott, this is 411’s WWE Heat Report. I’ve got to write this report in record time if I’m going to finish in time for Survivor Series, so let’s get right to it. You’re probably aware that Heat recently became available exclusively on WWE.com, and I think that this report should reflect that change. The new video-on-demand nature of Heat allows me to screen each episode for you while still allowing you to watch all or part of the show after reading my report. I want this column to be a resource to help you decide which segments are worth watching and which segments are worth skipping. However, I also want to cover each segment in detail for those of you who do not have the time, the desire, or the ability to watch Heat yourself. I’m going to try and meet both of these goals by separating this column into a preview and a review. The preview will include the title of each segment, the tag line for each segment, the running time for each segment, and the non-spoiler bottom line on whether or not the segment is worth watching. The review will include a detailed description of all of the action in each segment. Okay kids, enough with the boring stuff. Let’s get to the wrestling.

The Preview

Segment 1: Carlito vs. Phoenix
Tag Line: Carlito faces Taylor Phoenix this week on Heat.
Running Time: 8:12
Bottom Line: It may technically be a squash match, but it’s actually pretty competitive, at least for a squash match. Check it out, especially if you’re a Carlito fan.

Segment 2: Tag Action
Tag Line: Snitsky and Tyson Tomko take on the team of Brandon T and Chris Chaos.
Running Time: 5:22
Bottom Line: Yeah, it’s a straight up squash match. But it’s a damn good squash match. I’m really starting to like Snitsky and Tomko as a team, so go ahead and give it a watch.

Segment 3: Angle vs. Benjamin
Tag Line: A look back at the match between Kurt Angle and Shelton Benjamin from Raw.
Running Time: 1:49
Bottom Line: This is just a short highlight reel of Angle vs. Benjamin from Raw. It’s really much more of a promo package than an actual match, so go ahead and skip it.

Segment 4: Viscera vs. Lance Cade
Tag Line: Viscera battles former World Tag Team Champion Lance Cade in the main event of Heat.
Running Time: 7:46
Bottom Line: It’s not technically a squash match, but it’s still pretty predictable. You’ll probably want to skip it unless you really like unnecessary dry humping.

The Review

Segment 1: Carlito vs. Phoenix
(Carlito vs. Taylor Phoenix)

We start off with the new WWE: The Power is Back video followed by the Heat opening video. “I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool.” Carlito’s music hits and Carlito comes through the curtain. Todd Grisham, alongside Jonathan Coachman, welcomes us to Heat from the United Kingdom. I love the way that Lillian Garcia says “Carlito.” Then again, I love everything that Lillian Garcia does. But I digress. Carlito makes his way down the ramp and climbs into the ring where Taylor Phoenix is already waiting. Blimey, it’s a British jobber! Carlito takes off his shirt and hands his apple to Lillian. Damn it Chia Wrestler, stay away from my Lillian! The referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway. The crowd starts a hearty “Carlito” chant and makes the poor home-town jobber feel like a complete waste of sperm. Carlito and Phoenix circle each other to start. They lock each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up that Carlito quickly transitions into a scoop slam. Phoenix gets back to his feet while clutching the back of his head. Carlito and Phoenix again circle each other before pausing in their respective corners to ponder the crowd’s continued “Carlito” chant. The referee motions for the competitors to do, um, anything, so Carlito and Phoenix circle each other for a third time. Hey, in their defense, that does technically fall under that classification of “anything.” Carlito and Phoenix once again lock each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up that Carlito quickly transitions into an arm wringer. Phoenix does a front roll followed by a one-armed cart wheel to counter the arm wringer. Phoenix catches Carlito with an arm drag, but Carlito bounces right back to his feet. Phoenix hits Carlito with a standing drop kick and again sends Carlito down to the mat. Carlito rolls away from Phoenix before getting to his feet, and Phoenix is starting to feel a bit confident. Carlito and Phoenix circle each other for a fourth time, and seriously, they have to be getting dizzy at this point. Phoenix tries to initiate a third collar-and-elbow tie up, but Carlito begs off before bitch-slapping Phoenix down to the mat. Carlito gives Phoenix three kicks to the gut before dragging him to his feet. Carlito tries to throw Phoenix out of the ring, but Phoenix hangs on to the top rope. Phoenix gets back in the ring and is met with a kick to the gut from Carlito. Carlito escorts Phoenix over to the corner and punches him twice in the face. Carlito whips Phoenix to the other corner and charges, but Phoenix slides out of the way. Carlito slams chest first into the top turnbuckle and bounces backwards. Phoenix goes for the quick roll-up and gets a one count before Carlito kicks out. Phoenix sets up Carlito for a scoop slam, but Carlito slides over and catches Phoenix with a modified back-breaker. Dude, I’ll say it. That’s cool. Basically, Carlito grabbed Phoenix by the neck from behind, jumped up, drove his knees into the small of Phoenix’s back, and then fell back-first down to the mat. He was still holding on to Phoenix’s neck, so Phoenix came along for the ride and had his lower back driven right into Carlito’s knees. Really sweet spot. Carlito drags Phoenix to his feet, throws him into the corner, and gives him a classic Flair Chop, complete with audience-provided sound effect. Carlito guides Phoenix back to the middle of the ring and drops him with a single punch. Carlito again brings Phoenix to his feet and hits him with a delayed vertical suplex. Carlito covers Phoenix and gets a two count before Phoenix kicks out. Carlito gives Phoenix four kicks to the back and gut before chocking him using the bottom rope. Carlito kicks Phoenix off of the ring apron and down to the floor before following Phoenix out of the ring himself. Carlito slams Phoenix’s head into the ring apron, rolls Phoenix into the ring, and then climbs into the ring himself. Carlito applies a bear-hug to Phoenix, but Phoenix fights out by pulling Carlito’s hair. Carlito charges Phoenix and goes for a clothesline, but Phoenix ducks and connects with two punches. Phoenix whips Carlito to the ropes and then sends Carlito to the mat with a clothesline of his own. Carlito bounces back to his feet, but Phoenix connects with a second clothesline. Carlito again gets to his feet, but Phoenix catches him with a gut-buster suplex. Phoenix covers Carlito and gets a two count before Carlito kicks out. Phoenix heads for the ring apron and climbs to the top turnbuckle as Carlito staggers to his feet. Phoenix goes for the top rope drop kick, but Carlito catches Phoenix in mid-air with a drop kick of his own to Phoenix’s gut. Carlito drags Phoenix to his feet and delivers his modified swinging neck-breaker. Does Carlito have a name for his finisher? I think I’ll start calling it “That’s Cool.” Anyway, Carlito covers Phoenix and gets the three count. Carlito’s music hits again, and Carlito motions for Lillian to bring him his apples. Carlito takes a bit of the apple, chews it up real good, stands over Phoenix’s fallen body, and then decided not to waste a perfectly good bite of apple on a British jobber. Carlito climbs out of the ring and makes his way up the ramp in victory. We finish up with the trailer for HBK’s new autobiography. I’m a HUGE HBK mark, so you’ll know it’s only a matter of time before I pick up the book.

Match Result: Carlito defeats Taylor Phoenix with a modified swinging neck-breaker.
Match Length: 4:43
Best Spot: Carlito’s modified back-breaker

Segment 2: Tag Action
(Snitsky & Tyson Tomko vs. Brandon T & Chris Chaos)

“It wasn’t my fault!” Snitsky and Tyson Tomko make their way down the ramp and climb into the ring. Brandon T and Chris Chaos are already waiting for them in the ring, and I have no idea which one is which. Dude, that’s never a good sign. Snitsky shoves Tomko, so Tomko shoves Snitsky. Snitsky slaps Tomko, so Tomko slaps Snitsky. They seem to be ready to rumble, and hey, I’ll take that pre-match ritual over watching Snitsky give Tomko a back rub any day of the week. Snitsky and one of the jobbers climb outside the ropes, and it’ll be Tomko and the other jobber starting things off. The referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway. Tomko and the jobber stare each other down before Tomko gets distracted by the second jobber. The first jobber sneaks up and gives Tomko a kick to the gut followed by a furious series of punches. Good lord, this dude is dinky. Seriously, Gillberg would tower over this guy. Anyway, Tomko picks up the dude, runs across the ring, and slams him back first into the top turnbuckle. Tomko chokes the dude in the corner and tags in Snitsky. Snitsky makes his way to the middle of the ring, and Tomko whips the jobber right towards him. Snitsky picks up the jobber and locks in a vicious bear hug. Snitsky turns around, runs forward, and rams the jobber back-first into the jobber’s own corner. The first jobber slumps down to the mat as Snitsky punches the second jobber off the ring apron and down to the floor. Snitsky drags the jobber back to his feet, drops him with a single punch, and then tags in Tomko. Snitsky holds the jobber from behind while Tomko punches the jobber in the gut. Tomko climbs over the jobber and give him a series of four knee shots to the side of the head. Tomko drags the jobber to his feet, drops him with a single punch, drags him back to his feet, and tags in Snitsky. Tomko holds the jobber from behind while Snitsky punches the jobber in the gut. Snitsky give the jobber a kick to the head followed by a delayed scoop slam. Snitsky drops an elbow on the jobber, covers the jobber, and gets a two count before the second jobber comes out of nowhere and stomps on Snitsky’s back to break up the pin. I’m pretty sure that Grisham and the Coach have no idea which jobber is which. They’ve been very careful not to call either one of them by name. The second jobber continues over to the corner and gives Tomko a weak-looking forearm shot. He turns around and is caught by Snitsky. Snitsky throws the second jobber into the jobber’s own corner and Tomko climbs into the ring. Snitsky whips the second jobber toward Tomko, and Tomko damn near decapitates the second jobber with an absolutely brutal big boot. Tomko drags the second jobber out of the way while Snitsky sets up the first jobber for a sidewalk slam. Tomko hits the ropes, and then Snitsky and Tomko absolutely destroy the first jobber with their sidewalk slam / elbow drop combination. Oh sweet lord, we’ve got two dead jobbers in the ring. Snitsky covers the first jobber and gets the three count. Snitsky pushes Tomko, so Tomko pushes Snitsky. They then slap the hell out of each other. Hmm, their post-match ritual is eerily similar to their pre-match ritual. Tomko poses in the corner as Snitsky channels the Ultimate Warrior and shakes the ropes. The jobbers are still dead. Seriously. And we never did figure out which one was which. I don’t care what anybody says, I really like Snitsky and Tomko together. Neither one of them had much going on as a singles wrestler, but I think they form a surprisingly coherent and intimidating tag team. We finish up with the trailer for the new Bret Hart DVD. I got nothing but respect for a man that can wear that much pink and still hold his head up high.

Match Result: Snitsky defeats the first jobber with the sidewalk slam / elbow drop combination.
Match Length: 2.18
Best Spot: Tomko’s big boot. Seriously, someday he’s going to kill someone with that thing.

Segment 3: Angle vs. Benjamin
(Kurt Angle vs. Shelton Benjamin)

See, this is what I love. Shelton Benjamin has been stuck on Heat for months. He finally got to wrestle on Raw this week, but WWE.com has evidently decided that you can’t actually have a full edition of Heat without a little Benjamin. So they give us a short highlight reel of Angle vs. Benjamin from Raw. Now I would have loved to see a full replay of the match, but instead we get what basically amounts to a promo package. But Shelton was on Heat, so all is right with the universe.

Segment 4: Viscera vs. Lance Cade
(Viscera vs. Lance Cade)

Lance Cade’s music hits and Trevor Murdoch’s better half makes his way down to the ring. It all kind of goes down hill from there. Viscera’s music hits, and Viscera makes his way down to the ring. Seriously, the dude is like the bastard son of Hugh Hefner and Vader. Not cool. Anyway, Viscera takes off his robe, Cade seems to wet himself just a bit, the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway. Cade stretches a bit before the action begins, and Viscera, um, dry humps in Cade’s general direction. Not even making this up kids. Cade gets angry and heads for Viscera. Seriously, who the hell gets closer to a 500 pound man once said 500 pound man has threatened to DRY HUMP YOU? WTF? Anyway, Cade shoves Viscera and follows up with a slap for good measure. Viscera give Cade a slap in return, and that one sends Cade to the mat. Cade manages to get up to his knees, so Viscera moseys over and gyrates right in Cade’s face. I swear I saw Cade throw up a little in his mouth. Cade rolls out of the ring and questions the merits of this entire match. That’s the first smart thing the kid’s done in a long time. However, Cade’s streak of brilliance ends there, and he decides to climb back into the ring. Cade heads for Viscera, and they lock each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Cade transitions into a head-lock on Viscera, but Viscera fights out and whips Cade into the ropes. Cade comes off the ropes and Viscera drops him down to the mat with a shoulder block. Cade gets to his feet, but Viscera sends him back down to the mat with a head-but. Cade scoots into the corner and begs off. He finally makes it to his feet and heads for Viscera. Cade and Viscera lock each other up in a second collar-and-elbow tie-up, and Cade follows up with a knee to Viscera’s gut. Cade then attempts to scoop slam Viscera. No, seriously. He seriously tries to scoop slam the world’s largest love machine. In case you’re wondering, he fails miserably. It’s time for a change in tactics, so Cade hits the ropes. Viscera goes for the clothesline, but Cade ducks underneath. Cade hits the ropes again and comes off with a flying cross-body. Viscera catches Cade in mid-air, holds him there, WAVES TO THE FREAKING CROWD, and then slams Cade to the mat. Ladies and gentlemen, Viscera is evidently channeling Ms. Freaking America. Wonderful. Viscera helps Cade to his feet and then gives him two elbow shots to the head followed by a clubbing forearm shot to the back. Viscera whips Cade into the corner, gyrates, and charges, but Cade wisely slides out of the ring and down to the floor. Viscera reaches over the top rope, grabs Cade by the hair, and drags him back up to the ring apron. Cade grabs Viscera’s neck and drives it into the top rope. Cade climbs to the top turnbuckle and connects with a top rope shoulder block that sends Viscera down to the mat. Cade covers Viscera and gets a two count before Viscera kicks out. Cade follows up with two clubbing forearm shots to Viscera’s back and a kick to Viscera’s gut. Cade hits the ropes and goes for the sunset flip. Dude. Dude. Dude, listen to me. Never, I repeat NEVER, put your head under an ass of that magnitude. Seriously. Anyway, Viscera maintains his balance and tries to sit on Cade’s face, but Cade slides out of the way just in time. Cade hits the ropes again and connects with a running clothesline. Cade covers Viscera and gets a two count before Viscera kicks out. Cade applies a sleeper hold to the grounded Viscera. Viscera fights to his feet, and Cade is forced to relinquish the hold. Cade gives Viscera two forearm shots to the back, hits the ropes, and tries to kick Viscera in the gut. Viscera catches Cade’s foot and follows up with a vicious clothesline. Cade bounces back to his feet, but Viscera drops him again with a back elbow shot. Cade once again bounces back to his feet, but Viscera connects with a head-but. Viscera whips Cade into the ropes and hits a huge swinging sidewalk slam. That looked a hell of alot like a Black Hole Slam to me. Cade is laying face-down on the mat. My friend, you’re screwed. Viscera gyrates over Cade’s fallen body, slaps Cade on the ass a couple of time, and then gives Cade the Visagra. Yep, that’s the technical term for the world’s most disturbing dry hump. Cade somehow manages to stumble to his feet, but I bet he’s walking a little funny. Anyway, Viscera whips Cade into the ropes and drops his head, but Cade catches him with a kick to the gut. Cade hits the ropes under his own power, but this time Viscera catches him by the throat. Viscera lifts Cade into the air by the throat and drops him down. I guess you can call that a sit-out double-handed choke-slam. Or something like that. Bottom line, Viscera covers Cade and gets the three count. Viscera poses for the crowd. And they seem to like it. Sick freaks. Viscera climbs over the top rope and heads up the ramp in victory.

Match Result: Viscera defeats Lance Cade with a sit-out double-handed choke-slam.
Match Length: 4:46
Best Spot: Viscera’s swinging sidewalk slam

Okay kids, that’s it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I’m heading out to watch Survivor Series, so I’ll see you back here next weekend.