411’s WWE Raw Report 01.07.08

The following program is a post-watershed production. You have been warned.

STROBE LIGHTING EFFECTS~!

The world is watching.

We get a recap of last week’s Triple H/Ric Flair main event. The Ric Flair Retirement Tour continues!

William Regal wants to talk to Vince McMahon. Vince says not now. It’s the first Raw of 08 and we’re going to get something big tonight. It’s Raw Roulette! Anything can happen. Regal brings up the Hornswoggle thing from last week. He says he took Triple H out of the Rumble for Vince. He likes it and says it’ll be Triple H vs. William Regal. Vince spins the wheel and it’ll be a First Blood Match!

Regal goes into the corridor and Triple H jumps him. He beats the hell out of him until referees hold him back!

Raw just wants “…To Be Loved.”

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome us to the show as always.

Shawn Michaels is here! He’s dressed to compete and we have a match…

JR brings up Mr. Kennedy beating Shawn Michaels last week and we get clips. They coin Kennedy’s flatliner the “Mic Check.”

Mr. Kennedy is out now. He does his mic shtick but first Vince spins the wheel. It’s Strange Bedfellows! Michaels and Kennedy will team up! That’s next!

Commercial break. I have to say that I hate the strange bedfellows stuff. It makes no sense – why don’t they turn on each other if they’re in a heated rivalry?

Shawn Michaels and Mr. Kennedy vs. Charlie Haas and Trevor Murdoch

Murdoch and Haas get no introductions. Kennedy works over Haas until HBK gets the blind tag. HBK boots Kennedy and tosses him to the floor then throws Haas outside! Haas goes under the ring and puts on a mask. He says “Now it’s time” and comes back in. He poses like a superhero but takes a flying forearm. Murdoch gets a clothesline from the apron. Murdoch in and hits a running big boot for a 2 count. Crossfaces from Murdoch and Haas back in. Murdoch hits a backbreak. Haas comes off the top, lands on his feet and drops an elbow. Michaels comes back and goes for a tag but Michaels hops off the apron. Shawn reverses a suplex and unmasks Haas. Flying forearm, kip-up, atomic drop, right hand, and another, atomic drop, knock down, scoop slam, top rope… picture perfect elbow connects! Sweet Chin Music to Murdoch! He tunes up the band and Kennedy tries to grab Michaels. Sweet Chin on Haas! Mic check on Michaels! Kennedy covers Haas and gets the win!

Winners – Mr. Kennedy and Shawn Michaels

That was strange.

Triple H vs. William Regal – First Blood – Tonight!

Commercial break.

We’re back in Mohegan Sun, Casino Arena!

Trading Places Match – Carlito (dressed as Hardcore Holly) with Santino Marella vs. Hardcore Holly (dressed as Carlito) with Cody Rhodes)

Carlito has the Holly mannerisms down. Holly has the worst afro ever. He has the apple too. This is tremendous. Carlito goes low and beats the afro off of Holly. Holly eats a back elbow and gets stomped. Carlito hits a suplex and gets 1. Into the turnbuckle now and Carlito fires off and hits a back suplex. Carlito hits a neckbreaker. Into the corner and Holly gets chopped as we get boring chants. Holly reverses and chops away at Carlito then hits a clothesline. Back body drop sends Carlito flying. Dropkick by Holly. Marella is on the apron. Holly spits apple into Carlito’s face and hits the Alabama Slam for 3!

Winner – Hardcore Holly

Maria spins the wheel. She’s excited. It lands on submission. Vince tells her to close her eyes and he moves the wheel. It’s a Lingerie Pillow Fight! All the Divas will wear lingerie. He says it’s like a big slumber party. Vince says no foreign objects in the pillows. Maria’s pillows are natural. She is so hot. Tremendous.

We get a recap of Randy Orton’ antics from last week.

T-Grish is with Jeff Hardy. Matt Hardy’s not doing good. Jeff has a message for Orton – he’s not only going to take the title, he’s going to take him out.

Tonight – Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga in a Steel Cage Match!

Hownswoggle is playing with the wheel and runs into Vince. The sound quality is awful here. I think says Hornswoggle will be in the Rumble. JR apologizes with the technical issues and they cut the segment off.

Up next – Lingerie Pillow Fight!

Earlier, Vince made a tag match pitting Hornswoggle and a partner of his choice against a tag team with the winners qualifying for the Rumble.

Lingerie Pillow Fight – Maria vs. Melina vs. Mickie James vs. Jillian Hall vs. Ashley

The heels try and hide under the covers but to no avail. Is there really any point recapping this. We get some nice bronco action from Maria. Melina gets spanked and powerbombed onto the bed. Maria and Jillian roll around on the bed. This is terrific. The heels work over Ashley now. Melina gets tosses into Jillian. Ashley hits an elbow on Jillian and scores the win.

Winner – Ashley

The faces clean house after the match.

Triple H is on his way out here.

Super Crazy wants to be Hornswoggle’s partner.

First Blood Match – Triple H vs. William Regal

Triple H fires off on Regal who bails early. Trips follows and they brawl on the floor. Regal has knucks but Trips gets rid of them. Regal bounces off the announce table. More rights by The Fame. He utilizes the steel steps. He tosses the steps at Regal but he ducks and Triple H gets thrown into the ring post. Regal tosses Triple H with a suplex and Regal undoes a turnbuckle. Triple H tries to fight back but gets tossed into the exposed turnbuckle. No blood. More rights from Regal. Regal goes to work on the face of The Game. Knee drop to the head now. Triple H blocks another shot in the corner and nails Regal a few times. Facebuster! Pedigree countered, catapult into the turnbuckle by Regal. Regal connects with a running knee. Regal goes to the floor and picks up the brass knuckles. Triple H gets a spine buster! Triple H kills Regal with right hands and draws blood!

Winner – Triple H

Triple H continues the beat down and hits a Pedigree to put the exclamation point on it.

Hornswoggle asks Santino to be his partner. Marella says he would have to be insane. Small people creep him out.

We see highlights of the Jericho/JBL feud thus far.

Royal Rumble:
JBL vs. Chris Jericho

Handicap Match: Chris Jericho vs. Snitsky and John Bradshaw Layfield

Jericho chops away at Snitsky but gets killed with a clothesline. Big boot by Snitsky. He misses a boot and gets dropkicked to the floor. JBL knocks Jericho to the floor but Jericho tosses JBL across the announce table. JBL kills him the ring bell for the DQ.

Winner by DQ – Chris Jericho

JBL continues to batter Jericho outside. He chokes him with cables. He uses the cable to choke Jericho. He pulls him into a clothesline and drags him up the ramp way. JBL beats Jericho down some more and kicks him in the head. He tosses him into a steel structure and now JBL climbs it. He loops the cable over the scaffold to try and hang Jericho but referees are here to break it up.

We get replays of what went down moments ago.

Royal Rumble Qualifying Match – The Highlanders vs. Hornswoggle and B.H. Jordan

This guy is so small. Mick Foley is here so it looks like Foley will be the real tag partner. Foley and Robbie lock up and they exchange rights. Foley gets a 2 count off a knock down. Horny in and stands on the toe. Kick to the head. Rory in and Horny gets caught. Foley breaks up a cover and Horny tags Mick. Rights to Rory, fast fists in the corner followed up by a running knee smash. Running knee lift. Robbie gets knocked off of the apron and Rory takes advantage. They nail the battering ram and an uppercut. They hit another battering ram. Foley low bridges Rory and Rory gets Socko. Double-arm DDT on Robbie! Tadpole Splash gets 3!

Winners – Hornswoggle and Mick Foley

The cage is coming down!

Steel Cage Match – Umaga vs. Jeff Hardy

If I was skeptical, I’d ask where Randy Orton has been all night, but I’m not, so I won’t. Oh, but Orton is out here now. Looks like he is going to watch from a distance. Umaga shoves Jeff down who then runs into a back elbow. Umaga nails Hardy with a shoulder tackle. Hardy tries a sunset flip and avoids an ass splash and gets a low dropkick for 1. Jaw breaker on Umaga, but he kicks Jeff in the face! Straight right hand by Umaga now. Umaga misses a charge and hits the steel cage then gets caught with a low rope-assisted corner dropkick for 2. Hardy fires off but gets launched into the cage. He holds on tries to go over the top but Umaga pulls him back in. We go to break.

We’re back and we have a NERVE HOLD~! Worst move ever. Hardy fights his way out of it but takes a head butts. Hardy escapes but gets back-dropped into the cage wall! More head butts from Umaga who has Hardy trapped between the ropes and cage. He goes for a charge and squashes Hardy. Umaga covers and gets 2. Orton is hyper at ringside and throws a chair in. Two chairs. Three chairs. Hardy gets killed in the back of the head with the chair! Hardy kicks out. Umaga climbs to the top rope but Hardy crotches him/ Hardy uses a chair to hit poetry in motion into the cage! Hardy tries for the Twist of Fate but eats a shot to the throat. Umaga sets Jeff up for the ASSALANCHE~! But Hardy avoids it! Flying forearms and a mule kick by Hardy. He tosses a chair at Umaga’s head! DDT on an open chair! He covers for 2. He tries to go out the door but Orton fires it back in his face. Umaga covers for just 2! Umaga calls for the SPIKE but Jeff blocks it and hits the Twist of Fate! Hardy climbs to the top but Orton’s on the other side. WHISPER IN THE WIND FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE TAKES OUT UMAGA! Hardy covers and gets 3!

Winner – Jeff Hardy

A mediocre Raw is capped off with an amazing cage match!

Hardy poses on the top of the cage as Orton looks on!