411’s WWE Raw Report 01.29.07

Here’s MOTY thus far…

Match of the year –

1. John Cena v Umaga ****1/4 (Royal Rumble)
2. Royal Rumble match ***3/4
3. Jeff Hardy v Johnny Nitro ***1/2 (NYR)

So significant changes since last week with two matches at the Rumble really shaking up the list. Interesting to note they’re all PPV matches now. See, we are paying for quality! Honest.

We’re in Dallas, Texas. Hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Smackdown is in Houston tomorrow for when I can’t remember come Friday.

PROMO TIME – Shawn Michaels

Still coming out to the DX music. Shawn mentions that last week he said no mortal man could stop him going to Wrestlemania. But there were only 29 mortal men…and the Undertaker. Shawn says he meant what he said and the Showstopper is back. He still wants the WWE champion in a match at Wrestlemania. Shawn points out that Taker now has his choice of title matches on whatever brand he wants. Shawn says that Taker hasn’t made his mind up yet but if he doesn’t pick the WWE title that leaves that title shot wide open. He throws down the challenge and JOHN CENA is out here to answer it. Cena talks Wrestlemania and reiterates that Cena v Shawn would work for him. Cena says it’s not up to either of them, its up to the Undertaker. Cena is about to suggest putting that match on if Taker doesn’t want him when out comes EDGE. He says this isn’t going to happen. He tells Shawn he told him he’d lose the Rumble last week. Edge reminds Cena he holds more wins over Cena than anyone. He’s also never lost at Wrestlemania. He says that if Taker doesn’t choose Cena then he should be in the title match at Mania. But that brings out RANDY ORTON. He reminds Edge that last night was every man for himself and the WWE title is the same. Orton reminds us Edge has wrestled Cena for the title a bunch of times but Orton has had no shots. Edge tells him there’s a good reason but Cena is bored with Rated RKO talking to each other. Cena calls Rated RKO out and speaks for Michaels in the process. Down come the tag champs. VINCE MCMAHON gets on the Titantron because he doesn’t want this fight. That’s not what the audience wants, heh. He’s says its Fan Appreciation Night and books Rated RKO v Shawn Michaels & John Cena for the tag titles TONIGHT.

BACKSTAGE Cryme Tyme walks. JTG stops off to cut a promo to camera. He gives some shout outs to his boys but Shad reminds him they have to go because they’re up.

CRYME TYME v WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM

Haas has the corn rolls now. He starts out with Shad and outwrestles him. Shad comes back with shoulderblocks. Shelton kicks him in the back of the knee though. This allows Haas time to work the knee and isolate Shad. That kick was like a really low superkick. Shelton tags in and mocks Shad who now can’t stand. Shelton with a near fall schoolboy right into a half crab. Shad looked way out of his depth there. Shad drags Shelton across the ring to try for the tag but Shelton has leverage and blocks it. Shad kicks him off to hot tag JTG. 3 minutes of heat-ish. JTG cleans house and he’s feeling it. Shelton headscissors Shad out of the ring. Haas gets the short DDT on JTG for the win at 3.39 while the referee is busy with Shad.

Winners: Worlds Greatest Tag Team via pinfall .

BACKSTAGE Vince tells Melina she has to go for it. Seize the day! Coach is there too. He says everything is “set and ready to go”. Vince says Fan Appreciation Night is almost as big as Wrestlemania. He says this very show will make him into a humanitarian. Like Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Desmond Tutu.

Sidenote – whatever happened to Cryme Tyme’s title shot? You know the one they won? Eh?

THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY – 1988. First Royal Rumble. One Man Gang eliminates a quarter of the participants until Jim Duggan takes it to him and wins it. The first one was free, which is why I’ve never seen it.

MARIA KANELLIS v MELINA PEREZ

Melina with the stick. She says that Vince McMahon gave her this shot at winning a #1 contendership match. This match. Maria goes for the wedgie to start. Broncobuster from Maria gets 1. Melina takes over and starts throwing forearms. Maria is set up across the buckles and booted in the spine. Maria with a roll up for 2. Maria with a fucked up jawbreaker, I think. Melina hits a flapjack and then the Mutalock. Maria taps out at 2.17.

Winner: Melina Perez via submission . The Mutalock is being called the “California Dream”. Ugly wrestling here, beautiful participants.

BACKSTAGE Shawn barracks Grisham pre-interview. He tells he got kicked last time because he thought Shawn couldn’t cut it against Rated RKO. Now tonight he’ll go out and win the tag titles. He says Cena is no Triple H.

ELSEWHERE Super Crazy tells Mickie James she used to be crazy but he’s Super Crazy. Melina goes up to Mickie to tell her whats really crazy is Mickie thinking she can hold onto the belt. Then she calls Crazy “cabron” so Crazy uses Mickie’s hand to slap Melina. Mickie thinks its funny but it ends up with a big pullapart brawl.

ELSEWHERE Edge is talking to Cade & Murdoch and he’s laying the badmouth on Orton pointing out he lost to Rey Jr last year. Cade calls Orton overrated. Edge says Orton is the best partner he could ask for but he’s just not in Edge’s league.

SHILL – “Drones” by Rise Against, which was the Rumble theme music. We get clips of Cena-Umaga in video stills. They really don’t convey how good the match was.

VAL VENIS v UMAGA w/Armando Alejandro Estrada

Umaga looks quite upset. The WWE makeup department has given him a purple bruising look around his neck. Val tries to jump ahead of the bell but gets cut down. Samoan drop. Tree of woe and Umaga pounds away before hitting the running headbutt. Val tried sitting up to no avail. Val is down for the butt avalanche. Samoan Spike finishes at 1.47.

Winner: Umaga via pinfall . El Squisheroo!

POST MATCH Vince McMahon is out here with a cowboy hat on. Apparently he’s doing Fan Appreciation Night in ECW tomorrow as well.

PROMO TIME – Vince McMahon

“Howdy partner”. He calls cowboy hats ridiculous. He calls anyone that wears one “stupid”. All hats are stupid because they mess up your hair. Vince stomps the hat. He announces tonight is Fan Appreciation Night because he wants to give back to the little people. He thanks the fans for making him a billionaire. He wants to give the fans a gift but he can’t afford to give everyone a gift so he wants a volunteer. He brings in a girl in a white sweater. He tells her millions of people are watching so she must be nervous…standing next to him. Her name is Jacqui. He has a gift for her. There’s a huge black drape in the ring. And low and behold it’s a giant blown up picture of his Muscle & Fitness magazine cover. It’s six feet high. And with that Jacqui is back into the crowd. Vince polls the crowd on how well Fan Appreciation Night is going. He points out he was nice and asked Jacqui her name and everything. Oop, on the Titantron is DONALD TRUMP. He says the fans have no alternative and berates Vince’s “cheesy photograph”. He doubts even Linda McMahon wants that picture. Donald says the fans want value. He’s going to give them what everyone wants…money. So he’s dropping buckets of cash from the ceiling. That’s real money. $100 bills no less in some cases. Even JR grabs some cash. Vince looks despondant about it “raining cash” and says Donald Trump has embarassed him. How dare he? He orders the fans to give that money back. Vince bails to grab whatever money he can off the floor. The fans at ringside wave cash in his face. “You people have taken my money”. Vince breaks out the biggest power walk of his life to leave the arena.

BACKSTAGE Vince is still walking. Coach has a handful of money. Vince says he’s horribly embarrassed. Coach gives the money and says it includes $10 out of his own wallet. Vince gets in the car and leaves. I guess Fan Appreciation Night is over?

CARLITO/SUPER CRAZY v CHRIS MASTERS/KENNY DYKSTRA

Torrie Wilson & Chloe are out here with Carlito. Masters pushes Crazy back into the corner and beats him down. It seems he’s upset with Crazy probably after losing to him last week. Crazy uses the ropes a lot and gets a few near falls. Masters shoves him back into the corner and the crowd are chanting “Super Crazy”. Kenny in and he goes for a sunset flip but Crazy rolls through it into a dropkick. Carlito in and he hits a rana. Crazy is in blind and they clothesline the heels out. Double suicide dives! Crazy’s was super fast. The camera angle was in very close but it looked like a Tope Con Hilo. Masters trips Crazy up and then comes in for the backbreaker. Masters mounts for punches. Kenny tags in and drops an elbow for 2. Chinlock. Kenny with a flying back elbow for 2. Heels with a double team suplex for 2. Carlito pulled Masters off the cover. Masters drops some elbows. Kenny with his rolling clotheslines for 2. Torrie keeps trying to inspire some crowd support. They bite this time. Kenny with a back suplex. Crazy got in a few punches in the middle of that. Masters in but so is Carlito. The latter opens up on Masters and hits a springboard back elbow. Knee lift and the clothesline. Quebrada would miss but Carlito adjusts and lands on his feet. Dropkick gets 2. Crazy takes out Kenny. Masters runs into a back elbow. He tries for a press slam but Carlito racks his eyes and the Lungblower finishes at 7.31.

Winners: Carlito/Super Crazy via pinfall . That was fun. Carlito and Crazy actually had good chemistry.

BACKSTAGE Grisham has Randy Orton. He says one of his great career highlights was winning the tag titles with Edge. Grisham tries to stir trouble but Orton reminds us Undertaker hasn’t made his decision yet. Grisham continues to stir saying that Rated RKO may have trouble coexisting. Orton looks forward to being victorious tonight. He gave very ‘political’ answers there. He thanks Todd for the interview and leaves.

IC title – JEFF HARDY (c) v GREAT KHALI

Hardy is at a sizeable disadvantage in terms of weight and height here. We get clips from Hardyz-MNM last night and Jeff getting the pin on Nitro with the Swanton. Khali grabs the belt to pose with it. Jeff takes offence but Khali just throws him over the top. Jeff is staggered as Khali drags him back onto the apron and throws some clubbing rights. Jeff gets dragged back in. Lawler, perhaps unwisely, calls Khali ugly several times. He beats Jeff down some more and stops to celebrate. Khali with chops. Jeff escapes a slam but runs into a clothesline. Whisper in the Wind just about wings Khali. He misses a big boot on the ropes and Jeff throws punches. Khali shrugs them off and goes for the chokebomb. He changes his mind and does that overhand chop sending a now unconscious Jeff out to the floor. Hardy doesn’t recvoer and gets counted out at 3.37.

Winner: Great Khali via count out . Khali sure does suck. This does somewhat devalue the IC title as the champion got treated like a jobber and Khali pretty much didn’t want the belt.

WRESTLEMANIA RECALL – 21. Money in the Bank. That’s the first, better, one. Shelton Benjamin looked like a star in that match and Edge takes down the briefcase. Then waits until January to take his shot.

RINGSIDE Vladimir Kozlov is asked about the Royal Rumble. “Only in America can money fall from sky”. He wasn’t impressed by the Rumble. He says he’d have thrown everyone over the top rope.

CLIPS – Cena-Umaga from last night, which they’ve already shown in stills.

BACKSTAGE Cena talks to Ric Flair about possibly winning tag belts with HBK. He’s psyched. Flair says it sounds cool. Flair tells Cena that Shawn wants that main event and he should watch out for the superkick. Ah, Ric, wisdom imparted free of charge.

Sidenote – Wow, Epic Movie looks incredibly bad. Time for some Hollywood folk to look up the word “subtle” because they’re just not getting it.

SHILL – ECW tomorrow. Vince McMahon is there.

Tag titles – RATED RKO (c) v JOHN CENA/SHAWN MICHAELS

Edge tries a quick spear in the corner but Shawn dodges it and hits the chops. Enzuigiri! Crotch chop for Orton. He’s not impressed. Kneelift for Edge and Shawn stomps the face. Cena gets the tag and the action speeds up. Flying hip toss and Cena drops an elbow for 2. Cena is still taped up around the ribs. DDT gets 2. Edge runs Cena into the buckles and tags out. Orton takes over and pummels Cena. The crowd is getting behind John. He fires up and hits the fisherman suplex for 2. Orton goes to the eyes and pounds Cena down in the heel corner. Cena fires up again and throws punches. The heels collide and Cena gets a roll up for 2. Edge is down whining about how his nose hurts. He’s fixing to take a walk. Orton shouts at him to get back and we head into an ad break. As we return Edge is in the ring taking a shoulderblock off Cena and then the Protobomb. Edge can’t see him. Orton goes to the ribcage with a knee. Shawn had the referee. Cena actually ran into the wrong ropes to allow the cheap shot. Shawn goes around to try and help but the referee is having none of it. Cena is desperate for a tag but can’t get it. Edge tags out and Orton kicks at the ribs. Garvin Stomp. Kneedrop gets 2. Edge back in and Cena is bleeding slightly from last night’s head wound. Edge with a dropkick for 2. Edge focuses on the lower back with knees. Cena fights for a tag but Rated RKO isolate him. Orton clubs away for 2. Definite blood from Cena’s head now. Cena grabs the ropes to avoid a dropkick. Cena crawls over and tags Shawn in. He cleans house. Flying forearm and a nip up. Edge gets slammed and set for the Savage Elbow. Shawn is seriously fired up. He calls for the band. Orton jumps in there and hits a nice dropkick to cut that off though. Orton tags in and stalks Michaels. RKO is sort of blocked. Tag to Cena again. He hits the FU at 14.52 and the tag titles change hands.

Winners: Cena/Michaels via pinfall .

POST MATCH Shawn teases the superkick. Cena waves the WWE title in Shawn’s face and asks him if this is what its all about but…out comes the UNDERTAKER. Cena looks on in disbelief. JR speculates that Taker is coming for Cena’s belt. End show.