411’s WWE Raw Report 05.01.06

The first visual of the night is the face of Mr. McMahon in the back.

McMahon: Good evening – last night my son Shane and I did what some people thought was the impopssoble. Last night we defeated Shawn Michaels and his tag team partner – God. So tonight I’m going to take the day off. I’m going to sit back and relax. So earlier today I announced five co-general managers. And they are….the Spirit Squad.

Member of Spirit Squad: Mr. McMahon it would be an honor to run Raw tonight. We are gonna break boundaries. Just like we put Shawn Michaels through a table last night. You know even though we’re the world tag team champions we’re gonna put the WWE Title on the line. Earlier tonight we drew Spirit straws. And 20-year old Kenny will be going one-on-one with John Cena.

Kenny: Mr. McMahon – tonight I will definitely make you proud.

McMahon: I’m sure you will.

Member of Spirit Squad: And to start things off right we’re gonna have the Divas in a tag team match. And they will be dressed as the greatest performers in the world – CHEERLEADERS!

Another member: Spirit Squad are you ready?

Spirit Squad: Ready!

Another member: Mr. McMahon – are you ready?

McMahon: I’m ready!

All Six: 1-2-3…..Spirit Squad!

Cue Raw intro, cue pyros, cue thousands of screaming fans – all that can only mean one thing – MONDAY NIGHT RAW!

Tonight Mick Foley will be Edge’s guest on the Cutting Edge.

**You’re not enough for me….**

Introducing first – from Boise, Idaho – Torrie Wilson! Torrie comes dressed ina red cheerleading outfit with her dog in hand of course.

**Here she comes again….**

And her partner, from Chicago, Illinois – Maria. Maria has some new music – “With Legs Like That” by some group that starts with Wreckless.

**I ain’t the lady to mess with**

From Los Angeles, California – Victoria. Joey calls her the toughest looking cheerleader he has ever seen.

**Mickie James’ music hits**

And from Richmond, Virginia – the WWE Women’s Champion, Mickie James. They show how Trish separated her shoulder last night. Pretty bad.

Match 1: Torrie Wilson and Maria vs. Victoria and Mickie James

Torrie gains control after Victoria bashes her a little. Arm wringer from Torrie – now a tag to Maria. Poke to the eye by Victoria who tags in Mickie James. Mickie misses a clothesline. Maria follows that up with a kick to the thigh. Maria throws Mickie by her hair. Victoria in the ring. She throws Victoria into the turnbuckle. Torrie into the ring so Maria throws her into the turnbuckle. Torrie gives Victoria and Mickie the stink face. Bronco buster from Maria. Victoria is getting sick of it so she throws Maria out of the ring. X-Factor by Torrie on Victoria. Maria on the apron, Mickie goes for a suplex, but Trish comes out of nowhere and pulls Mickie’s leg. Maria lands on top of Mickie and gets the three count.

WINNERS: Maria and Torrie Wilson (2:17)

John Cena will be defending the WWE Title tonight against Kenny.

Ad Break

**Spirit Squad’s music hits**

Three members of the Sprit Squad come to the ring – two of them with tag team titles around their waists.

Member: Earlier tonight – we drew Spirit straws and it turned out they youngest member Kenny drew a shot at John Cena. As far as the three of us goes – that’s right we scheduled a six man tag right now. You wanna know why we did that? Because we’re the Spirit Squad. And as far as our opponents go – well you can call them the odd squad.

**Eugene’s music hits**

Eugene, Goldust, and Snitsky make their way to the ring.

Match 2: Goldust, Snitksy, and Eugene vs. Spirit Squad

Goldust off the ropes with a shoulder block. Back off the ropes and Goldust hops over and lands an arm drag. And again. Arm wringer and tag to Eugene. Eugene with an arm wringer broken up by a right. Eugene back in control with some chops and rights. Eugene throws a member of SS into the buckle, but misses on the shoulder attempt. They show Vince in the back watching tv. Candice Michelle gives him a glass of something and sits on his lap. Meanwhile in the ring, Johnny got a two count. Tag to Nicky. Nicky and Johnny team up on Eugene as he stands in the corner. Cover gets another two. Tag to Johnny who lands some forearms. Cross face shots by Johnny who covers again for two. Irish whip by Johnny and he misses a dropkick as Eugene held on to the ropes. The other two members pound away on Eugene on the outside as the ref is distracted by Snitsky. Mikey misses a right and Eugene lands a Rock Bottom. Eugene looking for a tag. Mikey tags to Nicky and Eugene tags in Snitsky. Snitsky off the ropes with a clothesline. And another. Snitsky got dropped over the top rope by Mikey. Two members double team Snitsky on the outside and then they roll him back in the ring. Snitsky lands a huge boot to someone who tags in Johnny. Eugene back in the ring. This sucks. Eugene went for a stunner, but Johnny pushes him off the ropes – roundhouse kick! Wow. That’s all.

WINNERS: Spirit Squad (4:21)

I’ll get these guys’ names right sometime. King tells us about the big Cena/Kenny match that we’re all anticipating. Foley will be on The Cutting Edge as well.

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During the commercial break on WWE.com Unlimited the Kiss Cam was interrupted by Mickie James who attacked Maria and went crizazy. Mickie gave her that stiff ass looking DDT of hers as well.

Todd Grisham with Eugene.

Grisham: Spirit Squad insisted that I ask you how it felt to lose today.

Eugene: It didn’t feel very good. But if there’s one thing my uncle Eric Bischoff wanted me to remember – it was never quit. Wait – no, he wanted me to quit everyday. My uncle Eric was a jerk. At least I still have a job – kiss my butt!

Matt Striker comes out of nowhere and beats up Eugene with a dictionary.

They show a This Week in Wrestling History with Vince as the voiceover. Of course – it is last night’s win over HBK and “God.”

Big Show, Shawn Michaels, and Charlie Haas watch in the back. The Spirit Squad comes in and they say that what they say goes. They tell Shawn they are giving him the night off as a wrestler tonight. Shawn will be a referee in the very next match. Rob Conway versus Kane. They get ready to leave, but they remember that they have a special referee shirt for him that says May 19th all over it. They tell him to have fun and leave the locker room. Show says they’ll figure something out.

Ad Break

Joey and King talk about WWE.com. Now they talk about Kane and Big Show from last night. It was pretty fucking retarded.

**Oooh…oooh…Shawn**

Shawn comes out from the back with his special referee shirt on.

**Just look at me….**

Introducing first – from Atlantic City, New Jersey – Rob Conway.

Conway talks shit to Shawn so he gives him a nut shot, takes off his May 19th shirt, and puts it on Conway. Huge HBK chants.

**Kane’s music hits**

And making his way to the ring – weighing in at 320 pounds, Kane.

Match 3: Rob Conway vs. Kane

Shawn rolls Conway to the outside. Kane gets pissed and throws him into the steel steps. Kane drops Conway over the barrier. There’s the bell as Kane rolls Conway into the ring. Kane pounds away on Conway. Huge boot to the side of the head of Conway. Conway rolls to the outside. Conway tries to hop the barrier and leave the arena, but Shawn grabs him and rolls him back in the ring. Big boot to the head again. And now some more stomps to the head of Conway. Shawn heads to the outside and grabs a trash can. Shawn is funny. Kane grabs the trash can and slams it over Conway’s head. Kane rips off the shirt and throws it. Kane picks up Conway in a goozle and lands the chokeslam from hell. Now, Kane takes off. Shawn grabs a mic and says “May 19th” three times and puts the mic on Conway’s chest which makes Kane think it was Rob Conway. Kane heads to the ring and lands the tombstone. That’s all.

WINNER: Kane (2:47)

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The WWE Slam of the Week this week is Umaga’s ass kicking of Ric Flair last night at Backlash.

Armando Alejandro Estrada is in the ring with the mic in hand.

Estrada: A hora – todos eschuch en me. Everybody listen to me. Que pasa los colombos. My name is Armando Alejandro Estrada. (the crowd actually did this with him) And allow me to introduce to you the man who took down the 16-time heavyweight champion. The man who destroyed the Nature Boy Ric Flair at Backlash – haha. Pero tonight we go from Ric Flair to you? Amigo….hey, question – you’re not the Nature Boy are you? I don’t see no robe. Are you nervous? You should be. Are you scared? You better be cause tonight you’re going one-on-one versus Uuuuuuumaaaaaga!

**Umaga’s music hits**

Umaga makes his way to the ring.

Match 4: Umaga vs. Jobber

Umaga with a double goozle, lifts him up to the top rope, and throws him down from there. Butt splash! Umaga heads to the outside at the urging of Estrada. Umaga to the top rope and comes off with a HUGE splash! Alejandro pulls out his cigar and tells Umaga to finish him off. Thumb of Destruction! That’s all.

WINNER: Umaga (1:11)

In the back, Vince plays with Candice’s tits. Candice was wondering if Vince could help her with her labiagitis. Vince has never heard of it before. He wants to know if it’s acute. She says it is pretty cute. Vince says he can be the doctor and she can be the patient. Vince starts kissing her until….

Triple H walks in the room. Triple H still has some bad ass bruises from last night. Vince says he has a favor to ask of Triple H. Vince wants Triple H to be the guest referee in the championship match tonight. Triple H tells Vince to just make it John Cena vs. Triple H. Vince says he won’t do it after the antics Trips pulled last night. Triple H says he’ll scratch Vince’s back and if Kenny happens to win the title tonight then Vince will have to scratch his and he will face Kenny next week without the Spirit Squad at ringside. Vince tells him to take his advice and be the guest referee, or he won’t get a title shot for a loooooong time.

They show more from the Wrestlemania match featuring Edge and Mick Foley. Foley in The Cutting Edge is NEXT!

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Lita is in the ring.

Lita: Ok right now I need you to stand up and pay your respects to the most watched champion of the last five years – the Rated R Superstar, Edge.

**You think you know me….**

Edge appears from a slew of smoke. Edge also has some bruising on his face from last night.

Edge on the mic: When it comes to a show of respect for me – THAT is pathetic! What a shock. Almost as shocking as me outclassing and outshining Triple H and John Cena last night at Backlash. But I still got nothing to show for it. In case you missed it – John Cena didn’t pin me last night he pinned Triple H. So that means I still have claim to the WWE Championship. But I should be used to it. I should be used to it. I don’t get any respect around here. Just like at Wrestlemania, one of the biggest victories of my career and it was tarnished. Tarnished because it was called by some third-rate ECW reject named Joey Styles. Oh my God, Joey – YOU SUCK! (hahaha) But despite all of that – despite all of that – I still stole the show at Wrestlemania. And right now…I’d like to introduce to you the man who helped make that possible. The man who I destroyed at Wrestlemania. The former hardcore legend, Mick Foley.

**Foley’s music hits**

Mick Foley appears from the back and makes his way to the ring.

Mick on the mic: Well Edge (FOLEY chants)….seems that Edge has not forgotten our little Wrestlemania match. To tell the truth – I haven’t either. See – for weeks on end, Edge that match is all I thought about 24/7. I watched the tape, I searched my soul trying to figure out where things had gone wrong. But the more I watched the tape, the more I searched my soul – I figured out things hadn’t gone wrong for me that night. Things had gone very, very right. At Wrestelemania, I was meaner than I’d ever been. More prepared, more focused, more hardcore than I’d ever been. The more I watched the tape the more I came to know on that one night I had been involved in one of the greatest hardcore matches of my career, but quite possibly the greatest hardcore match in wrestling history. If I did go wrong anywhere – it was in not realizing in that one night – April 2nd, 2006…I would be face to face to with the toughest son of a bitch in the toughest son of a bitch in the WWE.

Foley extends his hand and Edge shakes it. Foley extends his hand to Lita, Lita takes it and he kisses her on the cheek.

Foley: Don’t get me wrong – just because I lost the match it doesn’t mean I didn’t get the defining Wrestlemania moment because I did. Let’s take a look at it right now.

And so we do.

Foley: There, there it is. Ladies and gentlemen, my defining Wrestlemania moment. Looking in your eyes and knowing you’d never be the same again. Knowing it would be all down hill for Edge. Knowing that you would never want to go through that type of hell again. And you see that’s where you and I differ Edge because I too want to go to through that hell again. And I wanna go through it…TONIGHT! So what I’m saying is you and I Wrestlemania rematch right here in Columbus, Ohio!

FOLEY chants

Edge: Very cute Mick – very cute. You wait until I go through a hellacious Triple Threat match. You wait until I get hit by a sledgehammer. You wait until I get by a chair, my girlfriend got spinebustered! I still have strep throat from doing Raw in England last week and you conveniently show up and challenging me to a rematch. Well, when it comes to you and me tonight you’re on! You’re on crack! I’m not wrestling you in a match. It’s not gonna happen! But I tell you what…..because you were stupid enough to come in here and challenge me. Next week just out of principle I’ll take you on in any match that you want.

Foley: Well how fitting is it that I’m on the cutting edge because next week on Raw I will be cutting Edge with barb wired, razor wire, thumbtack – any sharp object I can get my hands on. I want you to go home and you’ve got all week. Rest up from the sledgehammer, rest up from the chair, rest up from the spinebuster – and for God sakes rest up from the strep throat. You will beg for mercy next week! You think about that Edge and you try, you try to have a NICE DAY! BANG BANG!

It should be noted that Styles shouted out “next week” after Edge said “you’re on..”

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**Chris Masters’ music hits**

Chris Masters goes through his three-pronged muscle flexing entrance. You can tell King is trying to be a little more heelish this week as there is no Coach.

Masters on the mic: Last night’s match was a fluke. I proved that I’m far superior than Carlito. He had to cheat to beat me. But I’ll tell you this match – Carlito – you stick your nose in my business again you’re not gonna spitting apples, you’re gonna be spitting teeth. Now, moving on to R….V…..D. That was impressive last night RVD – real impressive. Not only are you Mr. Money in the Bank, but now you’re the Intercontinental Champion. You must think you’re the man, you must think you can do it all. But there’s one thing you can’t do and that’s break this man’s Master Lock. So why don’t you come out here and give it a shot huh?

**RVD’s music hits**

Rob…Van…Dam makes his way to the ring with his briefcase and IC belt in hand.

Masters tells RVD to sit in the chair. RVD thinks about it as the fans chant RVD. RVD finally sits down. Masters looks to lock it on, and it’s locked in. Out of nowhere Shelton Benjamin comes to the ring and starts pounding on Masters as he has it locked in. Carlito runs down with a chair and gives him a chair shot.

A Spirit Squad member comes from the back….

Spirit Squad member: Hey, hey, hey – knock it off! As co-general manager I’ve written a special cheer just for you. Ahem….there’s no need to scream, there’s no need to shout. The four of you are now wrestling in a tag…team bout. Oh yeah and that starts right now.

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Match 5: Carlito and Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Masters and Shelton Benjamin

Well – it looks like the match has begun with Masters in control. They show Vince in the back making out with Candice who has her straps pulled down and is very close to baring all. Shelton in the ring now with RVD in control of things. Press slam by Shelton. Innovative backbreaker by Shelton. Shelton locks in a submission hold. Joey Styles was just given a note. The Spirit Squad wants to see him so Styles gets up and leaves the announce position. In the ring Shelton lands a big power slam, but Carlito breaks up the cover. Tag to Masters who lands an elbow drop and several stomps to the sternum of RVD. Irish whip by Masters – RVD comes off with a spinning heel kick. RVD looking for the tag. Masters tags Shelton and RVD gets Carlito. Carlito with a left on Shelton and another. Irish whip by Carlito, and he lands a big back body drop. Carlito pounding away on Masters now. Carlito off the ropes with a big clothesline. Shelton reverses an Irish whip – springboard elbow by Carlito. Shelton and Masters teaming up – double suplex but Carlito slides off and lands a dropkick. Superkick by Shelton on Carlito. RVD just flew halfway across the ring and landed a huge heel kick from the top rope. In the ring now Masters has Carlito in the gorilla press slam, but Carlito slides off and lands the back cracker! Shelton with a chair in the ring, Charlie Haas comes out of nowhere and grabs the chair from Shelton. Rollup by Carlito, grabs the tights, and that’s all!

WINNERS: Rob Van Dam and Carlito (at least 4:44)

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We’re back with the Spirit Squad in the back with Joey Styles. They tell Joey he has no spirit. They tell him he’s doing a lousy job. They tell Joey that if he doesn’t do a better job tonight they will make him wear a female cheerleading outfit next week on Raw. They tell him to announce Kenny as the new WWE Champion.

They show another feature of Kane’s new movie – See No Evil.

Joey makes his way back to the announce booth. King gives him some shit about being a future cheerleader. King tells him to say his line. Styles says “how about we just do our jobs, King?” King says that if this was ECW he would show some spirit. Joey says: “If this was ECW I wouldn’t be working with a hack like you.” King says that’s good since he’s finally showing some spirit. Joey shows some spirit by pushing and slapping King. King pushes him down so Joey takes off. E-C-dub chants.

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They show what happened moments ago.

King on the mic: Let me just say that I apologized to the fans here during the break. I want to apologize to you Joey. Come on out – my bad…come on out and let’s finish the show. Come on Joey – come on back out here.

Joey has a mic.

Styles: You wanna apologize like nothing happened. Like you didn’t knock me on my ass in front of millions worldwide. I’m not coming back! And now thanks to the magic of live television I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years I was the uncensored, unscripted loose cannon of commentary. Six months ago called me – I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called me because they had humiliated and fired – again – Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot and from week one – week after week – I’ve got an ongoing lecture about the differences from professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I’m not allowed to say pro wrestling. I’m not allowed to say wrestler. I’m supposed to say sports entertainment and call wrestlers superstars. I’m told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds to tell stories. Well ignoring the moves and the holds is insulting to the wrestlers – not entertainers – to leave their families 300 days a year to apply their craft in that ring. Well – since I’m not a sports entertainer storyteller I get pulled from WM because I don’t sound like Jim Ross who is the guy they fired in the first place – does that make sense? Then I get bumped from Backlash? I’m not good enough for Backlash? In ECW – I called live pay-per-views by myself! Wasn’t done before me, hasn’t been done since. But I’m not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainer storyteller. I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of cheerleaders and boogers and bathroom humor. I’m sick of our own chairman who talks about his own semen and who mocks God – he mocked God! He makes out with divas. Most of all – I am sick of you fans who actually buy into this sports entertainment crap. I never needed this job and I don’t want this job anymore. I QUIT!

King says maybe Joey will feel more at home in a bingo hall kissing Paul Heyman’s ass.

**Behold the King…the King of Kings…**

Triple H makes his way to the ring to be the special guest referee.

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Todd Grisham joins the King in the announcer’s booth. Todd reminds us of the Edge vs. Mick Foley Hardcore rematch next week.

**Kenny…Johnny…Mitch…Nicky…and Mikey…**

The Spirit Squad makes their way to the ring with Kenny on their shoulders. Wow, Triple H looks like shit.

**John Cena’s music hits**

And his opponent from Westbury, Massachusetts – the WWE Champion, John Ceeeeeeeeenaaaaaaaa.

Cena also looks like balls. Wow.

Match 6: John Cena vs. Kenny

Kenny tries to attack before the bell but Cena is ready for it. Press slam by Cena. Elbow drop. Rights from Cena. Sweet ass vertical suplex by Cena! Cena sends Kenny into the buckle. Kenny gets his boot up. Kenny to the top rope, comes off, and Cena catches him. Cena lifts him up into the F U, but Triple H breaks it up with a big right. Kenny sends Cena to the outside and the other four members attack Cena as Triple H pays no attention. They roll Cena into the ring. Kenny goes for a cover and doesn’t get a count as Triple H is very slow. Kenny working over Cena with some rights. Cover gets two this time. Cena fighting back now. Cena off the ropes with a flying shoulder block. Cena off the other ropes, but the Spirit Squad grabs him and pulls him outside for some more 4 on 1. This time they send him shoulder first into the steel steps. Cena rolled back into the ring now. Kenny wants a cover and finally Triple H gets down to count a two. Kenny is getting pissed at Triple H. Irish whip by Kenny and a huge back elbow. That was pretty sweet by Kenny. Cover and Triple H is slow again with a two count. Kenny is very pissed now. Neckbreaker by Kenny. Here comes another cover and Triple H just seems bothered by counting. He’s pretty funny. It’s a two count. Kenny in Triple H’s face now. Cena fighting back, but out of nowhere Kenny gets a DDT. Another cover gets one this time due to Triple H’s laziness. Kenny pushes Triple H. Not a good move K-Dog. Triple H lands a huge right to Kenny. Pedigree to Mitch! Triple H asking for more. Triple H is taking off – he says to hell with this shit. The Spirit Squad pounding away on Cena in the ring now. Triple H looks on and then decides to head to the back. And here comes Shawn Michaels. Shawn and Triple H stare each other down. Triple H heads to the back. Kenny with the big leg drop from the top. Shawn slides into the ring….1….2….Shawn stops the count. Kenny is pissed – SWEET CHIN MUSIC to Kenny! DX chop HBK! Shawn and Cena clearing house. Johnny gets the sit down powerbomb. You can’t see me – Five Knuckle Shuffle on Johnny. Sweet Chin Music to Johnny! F U to Kenny! Party over. 1-2-3!

WINNER: John Cena (8:02)

I move that Spirit Squad never get to run Raw again. They did a horrible job. Basically, this show is setting up some craziness for down the road – hopefully next week. See ya’ll next week.