411’s WWE RAW Report 3.18.19

I’m going to New York in a few months! Anyone know where to find the best Pizza? I hear Sbarros is pretty good….

Where is that banner of that ugly chick with the Converse on?

BROCK STARTS THE SHOW WITH HIS JEWISH FRIEND.

Heyman insults the crowd by calling them ladies. Brock holds his title high above his head. He then continues his intro. Heyman claims that Seth necessitated an appearance tonight by Brock. Seth is to blame by coming out here all Bad and Boujee. Never thought I’d hear Heyman go the Migos route. He brings up Seth’s claims of Brock being unable to beat the little man. Heyman calls him a fool. He’ll ask us as if our opinion matters: Brock vs AJ Styles, Who won? Brock. Brock vs Bryan? Who won? Brock! He then brings up Drew McIntyre, saying that he is a career killer. He questions Seth wanting to fight Drew.

Drew’s name calls the kilt lover out. He says it’s refreshing to finally get the respect he has earned. He brutalized Reigns and Dean last week. He suggests that Heyman finds a new opponent for Mania, bcause after tonight, Seth will not be making it to Mania.

SMACK FROM A CHAIR! It’s Seth, and he smacks Drew a good one across the back again.

Crowd wants one more time, so Seth goes crazy on Drew, hammering away over and over again, bending the chair in the process. Brock looks on, freaked out or turned on. Probably both. Seth heads into the ring and walks up to Brock, but Brock walks out of the ring and smirks. He holds the title up one more time before heading to the back to count his shells.

Backstage, Lio and Lashley are looking at each other lovingly.

Back to the ring, and Finn is making his entrance for a tag team match against Lio Rush and Lashley. We don’t quite know who his partner is yet.

Match 1: Bobby Lashley and Lio Rush vs Finn Balor and Braun Strowman
Lockup from Lashley and Braun. Lashley muscles him away. Braun is shocked. Lashley does it again. A third lockup and Braun shoves Lashley to the mat. Shoulder tackle attempt and Braun sends Lashley down with a tackle. We return after a break and Lashley stops Finn from tagging in Braun. He gets a chinlock from behind. Finn is able to escape but Lashley drops him quick and goes for a pin for 1..2..NO! Tag to Lio who chokes Finn up on the ropes then goes for a sunset flip but Finn rolls through and hits a kick to the face. Tag to Lashley who comes in and punches Finn in the forehead. Headlock to Finn. Finn reaches for a tag to Braun, sends an elbow to Lashley’s face. Lashley runs into boots then lifts Finn and sends him into the corner. Lashley goes for a shoulder tackle, but Finn moves. Tag from Lio who heads to the top rope, goes for a Frog Splash, lands on his feet, gets frightened by Braun, and Finn with the elbow to the chest. Tag to Braun. He enters and misses a splash, but frabsLio goes for a chokeslam, Lio flips and lands face first. Splash from Braun then.a hard toss. Another and Lio lands hard on his back. He lifts Lio up and clubs the chest hard then grabs Lio and goes for a powerslam, but Lashley hits a SPEAR!!! Finn shoots the legs, goes for a stomp, lio kicks Finn out of the ring. Lashley rolls out, too. Lio stands, turns to Braun, heads to the top rope. Lio with a frog splash. Pin for 1…..2…NO!!! Braun sends Lio off of him hard. Braun stalks Lio, who runs out of the ring. He is stopped by Finn, and pinned between he and Braun. Finn pulls Lio out of the ring. Braun looks to truck him, but Lashley sends Balor into the timekeeper area, and Braun sends Lashley into the barricade. Lio runs into the ring, hits the ropes, Braun enters and hits a hard clothesline. Chokeslam to Lio. Lashley is at the bottom of the ramp. He looks on. Braun gets him on his shoulders.

Powerslam to Lio as Lashley watches from the top of the ramp, not giving any types of a fucks. Pin for 1.2…..3!!!

Winners: Finn Balor and Braun Strowman
Shut up, Cole…
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **1/2

Recap of Dana Brooke standing up for all of us last week, even though none of us asked her to.

Backstage, Ronda is walking with her husband in hand. Security and a Nick’s dad is here. He tells her that she is late, and there is extra security here for her so last week doesn’t happen again. They, including the ref, follow her through the back.

Time for a Moment of Bliss. She wants to show us what all of the buzz is about. She introduces Cole and the crowd boos him heavy. He goes over the Mania card as of today. Back to Alexa, and she feels like she is a really good host. She inspires people. She feels like she inspired Lily Singh. She’s not related to the Singh brothers.

Anyway, her guest…

Elias.

They introduce themselves to each other. Alexa says this is a safe place and she can guarantee that no one will interrupt her. He is here to announce that he will be the headlining musical act at Wrestlemania, and it will take place in the greatest city of them all. Alexa is excited about this groundbreaking announcement. She brings up last year, and he says that last year is the reason why any moron thinks they can just come out and interrupt him. He thrives on pressure. He wants to put this into perspective for the bears fans. If his performance at Mania was a game-winning field goal, he would make it every single time.

HUGE BOOS.

He says this will be like Queen at LiveAid or Prince at the Superbowl. On that night, if anyone, and he means anyone, dares to interrupt him, then

“No Way” – Cole.

Shut up, Cole….

No Way Jose interrupts Elias, and Heavy Machinery are a part of the conga line. They circle around Alexa and Elias. Otis dancing to the music is a little funny. Alexa claims that this was suppose to be at the end, not now. She tells Otis, come on, and asks why they had so many rehearsals. Elias tells Otis that in life, life in music, timing is everything.

A flying burger comes out from stage left and attacks Elias. He removes his condiments and Rey Mysterio mask to reveal himself as Naomi. I mean No Way Jose. For the cheap heat, he rips off the rest of his costume and sports a Chicago shirt.

Match 2: Elias vs No Way Jose
We come back to Jose with Elias on his shoulders. He hits the ropes and splashes onto Elias for a pin. He gets a 1. Jose sends Elias into the corner. Hard right in the corner. He sends Elias in the opposite corner hard then whips Elias. It’s reversed. Jose hops up, hits an arm drag into an arm bar. The conga line is annoyingly chanting NO WAY JOSE on the outside of the ring. Arm drag by Jose back into a resthold. Elias hits a knee then a right hand and a chop. Kick from Elias. He clubs the back. The crowd isn’t biting on the NWJ chant. Elias whips Jose, then misses a splash. He gets hit by an axe to the chest. Another. AN arm drag into a neckbreaker move. Jose with a splash in the corner. He heads to the top rope. He dives. Misses a splash. Elias wit a kick. Elias beats down Jose in the corner. Kick to Jose. He whips again, then hits a hard clothesline. Chop to Jose. Again. Right from Jose. Elbow. Elias catches him and hits a body slam. Elias pulls on the dreads then drives a knee into Jose.

Elias to the top rope. He dives and hits an elbow drop. Drift Away, and we are done here. Pin for 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Elias
-yawn-
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: ½*
Total Rating: ¾*

Angle is here. He says that the Farewell Tour continues as he gets to have a match here in Chicago. He says Mania is 20 days away, and he’ll compete for the last time. THANK YOU KURT chant. He says that the McMahon family has allowed him to pick his opponent. There are so many people he would love to face, but only one he wants to beat – and he’s the man that has made his life a living hell since he became the GM of Raw. That man is Corbin. Nothing would make him happier than to make Corbin tap out at Mania.

Well, that’s a deflated choice…

Gable comes out for the match and audibly tells Angle he’s a hero to him and Angle is his idol.

Match 3: Kurt Angle vs Chad Gable

Angle locks up and gets Gable in the corner. THIS IS AWESOME chant before the match even picks up. Awesome. Gable with a shoulder tackle to Angle. Angle with a go-behind. Gable switches. Angle breaks the grip from behind but gable turns him and locks the arm. Leg scissors, and a kip up and both are standing. Test of strength. Gable clips the hand away, takes Angle down and gets a front-faced headlock on Angle. He pushes on with his legs, locking the head. Angle stands in the hold. Angle works the arm. Angle reverses and gets a side headlock. Rope work and Angle hits a shoulder tackle. Angle rushes the corner, eats an elbow. Gable runs into a belly-to-belly. Gable rolls to the outside.

Gable rolls back in as Angle allows him to compose himself. Another test of strength but Gable with the go behind. He takes Angle down with a waistlock takedown. Standing again, and Angle takes Gable down this time. Headlock and a near-pin, but Gable escapes with a leg scissors and. Surprise cover for 1..NO!!! Gable works the left arm, Gable is able to drive a knee to the arm, another. Cover for 1…NO!!! Gable pulls down on the lef arm, then drives his forearm into the shoulder. He whips Angle, reversed, and Gable hits the corner chest-first. Front faced headlock from Angle again. He stands, so does Gable. Knee from Angle. Whip to the ropes. Gable holds onto the ropes. Angle rushes him, but Gable grabs the ropes and Angle tumbles to the outside. The ref starts the count as Angle stands slowly. He gets to the apron at 5. Gable with a dropkick to the back of the knee of Angle. Gable drags Angle into the ring and drops a knee on the leg. Another. Stomp to the leg and a pin for 1..2…NO!! Another knee drop to the inner left leg of Angle. Angle escapes. Gable rushes. He gets sent over the top rope as we go to commercial.

Back and Angle is hitting some clotheslines before getting in a back body drop to Gable. Angle rushes the corner, Gable hits a dropkick to the fae, Gable with a sunset flip, but Angle rolls through. ANKLE LOCK to Gable! Gable turns into it for a pin! 1…2..NO!!! Go behind form Angle. GERMAN! Gable with a takedown and goes for HIS OWN ANKLE LOCK!!!! HE GETS BOOED!!!! Nice. Angle looks to tap. He rolls through and sends Gable into the corner face first. He goes for the Angle Slam, but Gable turns it into a DDT! Cover for 1…2….NO!!! Gable heads to the top rope. MOONSAULT! GABLE MISSES!!! Angle grabs the ankle. He locks in the hold!!

Gable crawls to the ropes. Angle drops. Grapevine. TAP FROM GABLE!! Crowd loves it. Angle looks purple and dead.

Winner: Kurt Angle
Man, if this was how slow Angle was with Gable…
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

Gable holds the hand of Angle up high. As he celebrates, Baron Corbin’s music hits, and out comes the man that no one wants to see do anything in any walk of life ever for the rest of his days. He’s on the mic, and says that when he took Angle’s job as GM, he enjoyed laughing and jumiliating Angle, but it didn’t feel as good as it will to dominate and humble Angle in his very last match. It doesn’t matter what Angle has done in his entire career, and the only thing these people will remember is his very last match.

Backstage, Corbin is laughing at his hilarity with The Revival. Apollo comes up to him and asks for a match. Apollo wonders why he’s so difficult, then says no one likes him. He asks The Revival if they like him, and they say hell no.

In the ring, Charley has a question for Sasha and Bayley. She asks why they haven’t been no Smackdown yet. Are they ducking The Iiconics. Sasha is bout to pop off, but Bayley interrupts and says they’re not dodging anyone. They will defend any time, any where, any place. Tomorrow night, they are going to be on Smackdown. It will be….Iiconic. Sasha brings up Mania, but nattie’s music hits and she comes out all smiles with Beth Phoenix.

Beth tells Sasha and Bayley that she watches everything the girls have done to respect the titles. She would have loved to just chill and continue watch the Evolution unfold. She was content until she saw Nia and Tamina try and set them all back with their jealousy and pettiness. Nia and Tamina did something else, too. They awoke the dragon and got Beth thinking. Maybe her and Nattie’s dream could still become a reality. She loved her career nd her accomplishments, but there’s just one thing missing…

You know, that thing that was JUST CREATED A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO!!!

Beth says that since they will take on anyone any time anywhere, she is ready to step out of retirement, stand beside the best in the WWE, Natalya, and challenge the both of them for the tag team championships at Wrestlemania.

Bayley calls this a huge honor, but why Mania? Doesn’t she want a little more time to prepare? With all due respect, she has been retired for six years. Competition has evolved. Nattie says, with all due respect, this is Beth phoenix. A WWE Hall of Famer, and it was in this very arena that Beth won the Women’s Championship – CHICAGO! Does Bayley think Beth is afraid to fight somebody like “you?”

Sasha wonders who the hell Nattie thinks she’s talking to. They know who Beth is, she’s the woman Nattie’s riding just to have a match at Mania.

Nattie slaps Sasha. Sasha shoots the legs!! She attacks! Beth shoves Bayley and lifts up Sasha and tosses her. She gets in the face of bayley. Bayley talks some shit. Beth pushes Bayley. Sasha stands in front of her partner. A ref slides in to get in between the four, and it looks like we’re going to have a match? You know, the one they hypothetically would want to sell for Mania…

Ah, they’re going to go ahead and give us a one-on-one…

Match 4: Sasha Banks vs Natalya

Nattie attacks Sasha against the ropes. Sasha shoves. She grabs a leg and kicks Nattie in the tit. Sasha misses a splash. Nattie grabs Sasha, bounces her off the ropes, and drops her on her ass, then walks across her back and hits a dropkick to the face. Cover for 1….NO!!! Nattie locks in an abdominal stretch, and pulls the leg of Sasha’s for good measure. Banks rushes the corner with a double knees. She goes for another slash, misses yet again, and eats a huge clothesline from Nattie.

Sasha rolls to the outside and the music of Nia Jax hits. She comes to the top of the ramp to mockingly cheer for Beth coming out of retirement. Nia claims she did more in three years than Beth did in her entire career. Beth is jealous because Nia is the prettier, stronger version of The Glamazon. Beth looks nonplussed until Tamina jumps her from behind, shoving her away. She then attacks Sasha, causing the DQ. She then say that she will see us all at Wrestlemania.

Winner: Nobody. Not. One. Single. Person.

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Mojo is backstage talking to himself again.

Ricochet is out to the heavy cheers of the Chicago crowd.

We come back to RAW and Jinder is in the middle of the ring. Fucking yay.

Match 5: Jinder Mahal vs Ricochet

Ricochet with a swinging kick off the apron. Springboard dropkick from Ricochet. Jinder heads to the outside so Ricochet does the Iron Man pose to surprise Jinder. Jinder slides in the ring, gets hit in the mid section, Ricochet hops over and kicks the gut then fets whipped to the corner. Kick from Ricochet. He floats over the rope and kicks the turnbuckle into the face of Jinder. The Singh brothers hold his leg down and Jinder is able to hit a hard clothesline. He drops a knee to the face of Ricochet. He drives it into the face and covers for 1..2..NO!! Jinder with. Single underhook/facelock combo. Jinder with a side headlock. It takes twenty minutes. Jinder finally whips Ricochet into the corner hard then stomps him one time. He lifts Ricochet up and knees him in the chest. Jinder with a hard right directly to the face. Jinder with another stomp then he lifts Ricochet and drops an elbow to the back of the head. Jinder with another rest hold. Ricochet with a chop in the corner. He is able to stand. He turns. Jinder is up. Ricochet blocks a hit, hits a right, another. Head scissors takedown. He crossbodies in the corner then springboard clothesline to Jinder. Standing shooting star press. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! The Singh brothers pull Jinder to the outside to help out a bit. Richochet hits the ropes, stands, flips over the top rope onto The Singhs. Damn that was pretty. He sends Jinder into the ring then heads to the top rope.

Ricochet with a 630. Pin for 1..2…3!!!!

Winner: Ricochet
Jinder made a Ricochet match underwhelming.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *1/2

Hall of Fame Warrior Award announcement, Senior Director of talent Relations.

Backstage, Seth says that life is simple; if someone hurts his brothers, then they must prepare to get hurt, and he will beat Drew oer and over with a chair. Tonight is for Dean, for Roman, and kind of for Brock. He hopes Brock is watching. He won’t be pushed around and isn’t afraid to fight fire with chairs. Brock will find this out at Mania when he burns Suplex City straight to the ground.

I should start talking like a WWE Wrestler at the bar…

Backstage, Dana is all hopes and dreams. She is congratulated by Charley, but has she considered what she is getting herself into? Charley says that Ronda beat down Becky and Charlotte, and they are former champions and Dana is…..

Dana says she isn’t naïve. She may not be better than Ronda, but all she has to do is e better than her for three seconds and become the new RAW Women’s Champion.

Match 6: WWE RAW Women’s Championship Match
Dana Brooke vs Ronda Rousey
Ronda goes for a kick. Dana catches the kick. She slaps Ronda.

Ronda eats her alive.

Arm bar. Dana taps.

Winner: Ronda Rousey

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Ronda will not let go of the hold. Dana screams like someone stole her crack pipe.

Ronda shoves another ref. She heads to her husband and whispers something to him. Security comes up and grabs Ronda, so she beats his ass. Ronda’s husband then grabs another security dude and hits a right hand. Ronda’s husband lifts Ronda like nothing into the crowd to calm her down. Dude can throw a fake punch.

Ronda, you forgot your title, Ronda….

Dana is still struggling in the ring.

We return to a recap of the very manly man lifting the ever-so-helpless womanly woman that is in the main event of Wrestlemania.

In real time, we get to a match where Corbin doesn’t even get an entrance.

Match 7: Baron Corbin vs Apollo Crews

Lockup and Corbin gets Apollo into the corner as Cole says that social media is upset about Corbin in the match. Apollo gets a shoulder tackle, then eats one. Corbin hits the ropes. Hops oer, then under, and finally Apollo gets a dropkick to Corbin. Corbin slides out of the ring, then gets hit with a moonsault by Apollo.

Back in the ring, Corbin hits a huge right to Apollo on the apron. Corbin points to the sign. He hits a right to Apollo. Whip to the corner and Corbin hits a right hand. Corbin with rest hold #1. That took longer than usual.
Crews escapes the hold, hits the ropes, tries for some fanciness, then eats a Deep Six. Haha. Interesting way of wording that. Corbin lifts Apollo. Right to the head. Crowd chants WE WANT CENA. Corbin with another right hand to the head.

Corbin whips Apollo into another Deep Six, but Apollo escapes and rolls up Corbin for the 1….2….3!!!

Winner: Apollo Crews
-eye roll-
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Batista is getting ready for an interview via satellite. He’s at some fancy brothel or something.

Apparently, he’s at home in Tampa. His home has a red-bricked wall. Cool.

Cole asks why he targeted HHH. Batista says he just doesn’t like him. Cole calls this vague and says it’s much more deep-rooted. Does it go back to Evolution?

Batista says no, it goes back way further than that. He keeps hearing that he owes his career to H, and that he made him a star, but way before Evolution, all this guy did was groom him to be his muscle. History shows that he uses people to protect him and look good. DX, Evolution, same thing. He used Batista like some big meat head. Held him down. Shut him out. Talked down to him. Underestimated him.

Cole says 9 years ago, in 2010, Batista quit. He walked out at the height of his career. Does Batista blame HHH for this? He says yes, why shouldn’t he. He takes offense for saying he quit. Imagine having a buddy who is also your boss who also holds him down. Batista was trying to achieve something in the company, and he has someone who knows he can’t beat him or give him a fair opportunity. HHH didn’t think he was a big enough star. Look what he’s accomplished, though. Movie Star Status. Now he is in control. He put himself in that position with HHH. He demanded the match, he got it. Simple.

Cole says that HHH has been nothing but fair to him, and other superstars.

Batista cuts him off, asks what’s wrong with Cole. Cerebral Assassin, that’s what HHH does. He has everyone fooled. This man is the most insecure, selfish, jealous control freak that he has ever met. That’s the real HHH. He will predict two things: 1) One day, hopefully soon, Vince will wake up and fire HHH and end his professional career. And 2) He will end HHH’s in-ring career.

Charley wants to talk about resentment. We go back to where Braun destroyed a car. Here’s actual footage:

Braun doesn’t care about the SNL dudes The Matter of the Fact is…haha. He says that Braun is so mad that he will enter the Andre the Giant Multiple People Who Don’t Matter But Want to Get Paid Battle Royal.

In comes Alexa who says that she wants to broker a peace treaty with him and the SNL dudes. She then asks for a week to make this all right. Braun says ok, he’ll give her a week, but if he is disrespected once more, he will show them what discipline really is.

Drew McIntyre is in the middle of the ring to talk about The Shield being no more thanks to him. He calls Seth a coward and brings up the vicious assault that happened an hour and a half ago that he is no longer selling. Drew wants to take a moment to speak to Joe.

He brings up the cancer. Brings up Joe the husband and the father, the man who was safe on his couch all because of Drew. Drew challenges Joe to a fight; not just any fight. He challenges Reigns to a fight at Mania. He knows the answer. These people know the answer. But he wants Joe to take a moment to look at his crying children and wife. He is asking Reigns to say no, to choose his family, not these people, because they don’t care about Reigns. He says last week will be nothing by comparison. He will maim and destroy him. Roman may have beat Leukemia, but at Wrestlemania, you will never beat him.

Backstage, Seth is fuming. He is on the big screen. He says that right there is why he di what he did earlier tonight. You know, that beating that doesn’t matter at all right now.

Seth attacks!!! They fight aat the top of the ramp!

Main Event:
Seth Rollins vs Drew McIntyre
We come to the match already happening. Drew has s rest hold on the arm of Seth while Cole says something stupid. Seth fights out of it with some rights. Whip to Drew is reversed. High back elbow from Drew. Cover for 1…2…NO!! Drew sends Seth into the corner then eats a boot. Seth hops up and over then gets a tilt a whirl, but Drew turns this into a suplex, dead lifts and hits another suplex. Cover for 1..2..NO!! Drew works the arm from behind again. Drew heads to the outside. He grabs Seth to drag him out. Seth with right hands to Drew. He whips Drew, but Drew reverses, Seth blocks running into the steps and hits abck elbow. Seth on the steps. Goes for a moonsault, but Drew side steps and pushes Rollins down hard onto the floor!

We are back and Drew is covering for 1..2..NO!! Chop from Drew. Stomp to the head from Drew. Drew sets up for a powerbomb, but Seth hits a Frankensteiner! Drew heads to the outside. Suicide dive from Seth, but Drew catches him and drops him on the barricade back first. Drew grabs a chair. He gives a hard chair shot to the ringpost for no reason. Superkick from Seth! Ref starts the count. He gets to 9 and both men slide in the ring. Seth sends Drew right back outside and hits a suicide dive. He runs back in and goes for another one! He enters back and foes for a third, but Drew is in the ring. Slingblade. Kick from Seth. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Crowd wants Seth to BURN IT DOWN. He locks Drew up under his legs. Drew goes for a back body drop. Seth on his feet. Drew catches him and hits the Alabama Slam. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Drew sets Seth up on the top rope. Chop to Seth. Drew heads up. He sets Seth on his shoulders. Seth looks to float down, he does, looking for a buckle bomb possibly, but rew punches him in the face. Drew sits on the top rope. He grabs Seth’s head and drags him up the corner. Locks the head. Seth hits some right hands. Drew with a headbutt. Seth falls to the mat. Drew to the top rope. Seth hops up, locks the head. SUPERPLEX! FALCON ARROW! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Seth calls for the stomp. He waits. Drew is on his knees. He stands. Kick from Seth.

Brock’s music hits.

Brock comes out to stand at the top of the ramp. Seth turns. CLAYMORE KICK! Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Drew McIntyre
It wasn’t a bad match, it just wasn’t an awesome match. Or maybe it was. It could have been. Possibly. – Meltzer
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **3/4

End Show