411’s WWE Raw Report 8.16.10

So there’s still confusion with the Hogan/Vince Heads, and I probably should have gone into greater detail last Thursday as to what they actually represent. So here’s how I use them as a rankings system.

1 Head = Bad
2 Heads = Average
3 Heads = Good
4 Heads = Great
5 Heads = Best. Match. EVAR!!!

Yeah, they’re kind of similar to star ratings, but kind of different too. Like say if there’s a squash match, I’d probably give it 2 Heads instead of 1 whether or not it accomplishes its goal of putting a wrestler over. So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get started with Raw.

-We kick things off with the opening video package. Pyro goes off, followed by Coleslaw and Lawler introducing us in. And here comes the Nexus.

Barrett says that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Team WWE escaped with the win, but Nexus beat 6 of the best Raw had to offer. They are still here, still united, and still ready to dominate the WWE. Everybody was so concerned with what would happen if they won, but no one knew what would happen if they tasted defeat. They did taste defeat, and there are consequences for the Raw roster. There will be more suffering, more destruction and chaos, and more misery for anyone who gets in their way. And here comes Cena.

He says he’s impressed. Wade Barrett talks such a big game, he has to because he’s the fearless leader of Nexus. He’s as tough as Snooki from Jersey Shore. Last night, Wade tapped out. He caused team Nexus to lose, and now he’s out here talking about how the loss will make them stronger. It’s a lie. Nexus are the expendables. And after that surprise last night, he bets their kicking themselves. When Daniel Bryan joined Team WWE, he eliminated half of the Nexus by himself. For weeks now, the Nexus has been viewed as an indestructible group, but they are human. They can be beat. So tonight, we’re gonna do something different. They’re going to be looked at as individuals. David Otunga is a below average man who clings to someones arm on the red carpet. Tarver looks like some bank robber who works nights as a male stripper. If those trunks were smaller they’d change the ratings of the show. Is that Heath Slater, or the chick from Wendy’s? Picture is included with joke. We just got a Wendy’s chant. Darren Young, the very existence of him has proven mother affairs with Buckwheat true. Justin Gabriel has an alternative way of thinking. Skip looks like it was over his head. Skip is thinking right now, mow mow mow mow mow mow mow mow mow. The Nexus is nothing more than human. The fear instilled in the locker room is gone. They lost last night, and Staples Center, Summerslam will always be known as the place where Nexus was history!! Young gave up in under a minute. His name shouldn’t be Darren Young, but instead the weakest link.

The Nexus argues in the ring, and Coleslaw’s got an email. Nexus may claim to be stronger than ever, but those words will be put to test. Summerslam will continue tonight. Each member of Nexus will compete against members of Team WWE in a series of matches. Outside interference will be met with consequences. Barrett says that’s not punishment, that’s an opportunity for redemption. And a chance to reexamine the Nexus. Cena says they need a whole lot of redemption because Wade tapped out. Barrett says it’s a chance to examine the Nexus and see if there are any weak links. And if there are weak links, they will be weeded out. If anybody in the Nexus is not victorious, they will be exiled from the group. By the end of tonight, the Nexus will be stronger than ever. Otunga says that’s fine, but that also applies to him. If Wade loses, any one of them would be more than happy to take over. Cole’s got another email. One last thing, Nexus can choose who they face against Team WWE, except for Wade Barrett. Barrett will compete next against his former mentor, Chris Jericho. The Nexus talk in the ring as we go to commercial.

Match 1: Wade Barrett vs Chris Jericho

We’re back, and Jericho makes his way to the ring with a good reaction from the crowd. Both guys stare down, and Jericho goes on the attack. Back elbow by Jericho, and he starts hitting Barrett with the kicks. Suplex follows. Barrett with knees to the midsection. He runs off the ropes but gets hit with a dropkick. Barrett goes to the apron, and Jericho takes him out with a springboard dropkick. Jericho goes to the outside and throws Barrett back into the ring. Jericho goes to the top but Barrett takes him out with a boot. Barrett starts ramming Jericho into the ring and then throws Jericho back in. Hard irish whip by Barrett, sending Chris flying into the corner. Chop by Jericho to come back, and now the right hands. Kick by Barrett to regain control. He now starts choking Jericho in the ropes. Bow and Arrow submission by Barrett. Jericho gets back up but Barrett hits him with a knee. Boot in the corner by Jericho. He nails a missile dropkick off the second rope. Pin but only two. Both guys trade shots. Shoulderblock by Chris. And another. Running bulldog follows. Jericho with a double leg, and Barrett counters out of the Walls attempt. Wasteland countered into a roll up and then into the Walls. Barrett immediately gets to the ropes. Jericho argues with the ref, and turns right into a boot. Pin but only two. Jericho counters a springing back suplex and hits an enzuigiri. Codebreaker countered into the Wasteland. 1…2…3.

Winner: Wade Barrett (First off, yeah, I’m gonna start playing around with the Heads a little more, and with Charlie Day guest hosting, what better time than now. Second off, this was a good match, and with a much needed win for Barrett. Both guys have some good chemistry and both got an equal amount of offense in)

-Justin Roberts introduces the guest hosts, Justin Long, Charlie Day, and Jason Sudekis. They all welcome us to Monday Night Raw. This is awkward. They say it’s amazing to be in the Staples Center. It reminds them of the NBA World Champions. And of course it makes him think about next years NBA Champs, Miami Heat. Boo. Long says they’re booing because it’s the home of the LA Lakers. They’re about to introduce the tag champions, the Hart Dynasty. And here they come.

Cole’s got an email. He says from this moment forward, the Unified Tag Team Championships will be known as the WWE Tag Team Championships. And here to present the new titles, Bret “Hitman” Hart.

And here comes Bret, and he’s got the new titles with him. Bret gives them the belts, and the Hart Dynasty hold them high. Barrett is on the titantron. Barrett says they’ve chosen Justin Gabriel to face Bret. Gabriel says Bret’s might have experienced a lot of things in his career, but tonight he experiences the 450 Splash.

-Cole and Lawler talk about Miz wanting to be part of the tag match last night, but Cena instead chose Bryan.

Match 2: Michael Tarver vs Daniel Bryan

Tie up to start, and Tarver pushes Bryan into the corner. Shots to the gut by Tarver. Boot by Bryan, but Tarver doesn’t let up. Flying knee by Bryan. Pin but only two. Bryan now works down the arm. Flipping front facelock by Bryan. Pin but only two. Kicks to the chest by Bryan. And he’s not letting up. Daniels slides under the legs of Tarver and hits a dropkick. Diving basement dropkick off the top. Miz and Riley come running down to ringside. Roll up by Tarver, and he gets the three.

Winner: Michael Tarver (Decent outing here. It was pretty short, but both guys got in a decent amount of offense. This does a good job of continuing the Miz/Bryan feud while giving Tarver a much needed win)

Bryan with a suicide dive through the ropes, taking out Miz. Tarver runs out and it’s now a three on one situation. Miz drives Bryan right into the barricade, and starts wailing on him with punches. Riley puts the briefcase on the ground. Miz with the Skull Crushing Finale onto the case. That looked brutal.

-Miz and Riley are walking in the back, and Matthews asks Miz to explain his actions. Miz said that since the moment Bryan arrived, he’s been Miz’s rookie, and they said Bryan should have been his pro. Miz went out to be part of Team WWE, and they put him on the back burner for Bryan. How dare them. How special is Bryan now? You want to see something special. Look no further than Alex Riley. Riley says he’s not an overrated, underdeveloped nerd. He’s the next winner of NXT, and he owes it all to his pro, The Miz.

-Nexus are in the back, and Young has something to say. He says he wants John Cena. He brutally attacked him last month, and he’s taking him out. Otunga says tonight is about redemption. Young’s stepping up, and Otunga respects that.

-Gabriel makes his way down to the ring, and he faces Bret Hart next.

Match 3: Justin Gabriel vs Bret Hart

Cole’s got an email. He’s sorry for Justin, but Hart won’t be competing. He doesn’t like Bret Hart, and never wants to see him on Raw again. OK, it’s definitely Triple H. He has decided to make this last minute substitution, and Justin’s new opponent is on his way to the ring.

Match 3: Justin Gabriel vs Randy Orton

Gabriel shoves Orton. Orton drives Justin into the corner. Gabriel ducks a right and hits a kick to the leg. Headlock by Justin. He flips over a backdrop attempt and hits some kicks. Orton’s got a cocky grin. Kick by Orton. Oton catches a kick and just stares at Gabriel. Clothesline. And another. Vintage scoop slam follows. Hangmans DDT connects. Five Moves of Doom are almost complete. Orton’s hyping the RKO. Sheamus makes his way to the ring and Orton starts taking it to him. Orton clotheslines him over the barricade and they brawl through the crowd. The ref counts to ten. Wait, why wasn’t there a DQ. Oh right, I forgot.

Only shots to the nuts count as a DQ.

Winner: Justin Gabriel (Too short, and really didn’t do anything for either guy, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing)

Orton storms back into the ring after hearing the decision. RKO to Gabriel! Orton goes to the outside and picks up a chair. He starts taking out Sheamus with it. Baw gawd. Orton starts to walk away. He second guesses that, and runs back to Sheamus. RKO!

Match 4: The Nexus (David Otunga and Skip Sheffield) vs John Morrison and R-Truth

Apparently Cole’s taking exception to that though. Morrison and Otunga start things off. Tie up to start, and Morrison works down the arm. Russian leg sweep by Morrison, and Truth gets the tag. Leg drop off the top by Truth. Pin but Sheffield breaks it up. Sheffield now gets the tag. Truth ducks a shot and hits some of his own. Truth goes for the float over, but Sheffield catches him and drills him with the powerslam. Stomps by Skip. European uppercut follows. Otunga gets the tag and shoulder blocks Truth in the corner. Reverse STO by Truth. Morrison gets the hot tag. Clothesline, dropsault and a flying kick by Morrison. Sheffield got the tag and takes out Morrison. He’s setting up the clothesline. And he gets it. Pin and this one’s over.

Winner: Nexus (Pretty short, but did a good job of making both Sheffield and Otunga look like dominant forces)

-We see Eve, Gail Kim and Melina walking in the back, and we got 6 diva tag team action when we come back. You can’t miss it. Or else.

Don’t test him. He’ll do it.

Match 5: Eve, Gail Kim, and Diva’s Champion Melina vs Alicia Fox, Maryse and Jillian

Jon Lovitz is in the crowd, yelling at Jerry Lawler or something. Maryse and Gail start things off. Drop toe hold by Gail, and she slams Maryse’s beautiful face into the match. You bitch. Springboard crossbody by Gail. Pin but only two. Gail ties Maryse to the tree of woe. Melina gets the tag. Running guillotine attack connects. Maryse drives Melina into the corner. Melina fights them off, but gets drilled with a kick. Pin but only two. Alicia gets the tag. Northern lights suplex connects. Snapmare follows, and a chinlock is applied. She fights out and here comes Eve. Eve with dropkicks to Jillian. Scoop slam follows. Running senton, though horribly botches. Alicia’s in, and so is Melina. They brawl to the outside. Maryse goes for the DDT, but Gail takes her out. Back elbow by Eve, and she nails a kick. Moonsault coming up, but Jillian pulls Eve down for the roll up and gets the win.

Winner: Jillian Hall, Maryse and Alicia Fox (Pretty bad and seemed really disjointed at some parts. I’m assuming Jillian is now next in line of the random lists of number one contenders. Whatever)

-Edge is in the back. He says their victory wasn’t surprising. Heath Slater shows up. Slater says they’re gonna face off, and maybe they could work something out. They both have the same haircut and rockstar good looks. Maybe Edge takes tonight off. Another member of Nexus winning by forfeit, it’s no big deal. Edge says he doesn’t want the record books to show him forfeiting to some Wendy looking ginger hair wannabe. Edge turns around, and Slater nails him from behind.

-Joe Manganielo from True Blood is in attendance.

Match 6: Heath Slater vs Edge

Edge goes straight on the attack to start. Stomps in the corner. Hard irish whip into the corner by Edge. Clothesline by Edge, and he poses to the crowd. Edge goes up to the top. Slater takes him down though, and then basement dropkicks him to the outside. Slater bumrushes Edge into the barricade. Pin back on the inside, but only two. Submission by Slater is applied. Edge fights out. He goes to run off the ropes, but Slater grabs him by the hair and yanks him down to the mat. Big right hand by Slater. Back elbow follows. Pin but only two. Edge avoids Slater in the corner and starts getting the clotheslines. Edgeomatic. Pin but Slater kicks out at two. Huge flapjack by Slater. Pin but only two. Running shoulder block in the corner by Edge, and Slater rolls to the outside. Slater avoids a baseball slide. Edge ducks a clothesline and nails a boot. Edge wants the Spear. He goes for it, but Slater slides back into the ring just in time for the countout victory.

Winner: Heath Slater (Edge did a solid job of putting over Slater, as both guys got in a good amount of offense. Why Edge couldn’t take the pinfall finish is something I question, though it could just be to put over how smart the Nexus is)

Slater celebrates the win. SPEAR!!!

-All of the members of Nexus have survived. Cena will take on Darren Young later on.

-Khali is in the back with Justin Long. Long hypes up the Kiss Cam shit. Khali says some random shit. Singh says Khali’s girlfriend lives in India and he’s never had a long distance relationship. Singh shows Long a picture of her, and Long looks disgusted. Day and Jason show up, and freak out at the picture. They tell Singh not to translate. They start talking about how Khali doesn’t speak English. Khali swipes the photo away and they run off scared. Long says the girl’s not bad looking. Khali says she’s ugly. The Bella’s show up and walk off with Khali. God, that segment was like a car crash.

-We see clips of the WWE roster hyping up Summerslam.

Match 7: Darren Young vs John Cena

We get a recap of Cena destroying Young on Raw a month ago. Just before this match starts, the Nexus show up on the stage. Young with a roll up, but Cena kicks out quick. Backslide by Young, and Cena kicks out again. Cena works down the arm and hits a headlock takeover. Roll up counter by Young, but Cena kicks out again. Tie up, and Young locks in a headlock. Cena pushes him off, ducks under, leapfrogs over and hits a shoulder block. Another headlock takeover by Cena. Young gets up and hits a backsuplex to counter out. Clothesline by Young. Pin but only one. Suplex follows. Pin but only two. Cena starts to fight back. Kick to the gut by Young, and he hits a neckbreaker. Pin but only two. Sleeper locked in by Young. Cena fights out and goes back on the attack. Elbow in the corner by Young stops Cena. Elbow drop follows. Pin but only two. And a leg drop. And another. Pin but again only two. Northern lights suplex by Young, and Cena kicks out at two. Young throws Cena to the outside. He then dropkicks the steps into him. The count is on. Cena flies into the ring at 9. Young is furious. Cena avoids a leg drop. He starts fighting back with the rights. Five Moves of Doom have begun. Shoulder block, and another. Slam by Cena. You Can’t See Me! Five Knuckle Shuffle. Attitude Adjustment countered into a roll up attempt, but Cena counters that into the STF. Young taps out.

Winner: John Cena (Decent match here, and I’m surprised Young got in as much offense as he did. The formula for Young was hit move, pin, repeat, but that’s not necessarily a bad strategy, just kind of boring)

The Nexus runs down to the ring and surrounds Cena. They allow Cena to leave though. They surround Young. Otunga takes him out from behind, and it’s now a 6 on 1 assault. Clothesline by Sheffield. Wasteland by Barrett. Gabriel goes up to the top. 450 connects. Nexus pose to the crowd as we fade out.