411’s WWE Raw Report 9.26.05

Cue the Monday Night Raw intro! Cue pyros! Cue crazy fans screaming at the top of their lungs! Cue JR welcoming us to MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!

And we are most definitely live from Waco, Texas! He’s Jim Ross alongside Jerry “the King” Lawler and the Coach. The main event tonight features Shawn Michaels and John Cena taking on Carlito and Chris Masters in a table’s match.

**No Chance That’s What You’ve Got**

And here is the chairman of the WWE, Vince McMahon!!

Give that man a microphone!

Vince: Well tonight’s gonna be a historic here tonight on Monday Night Raw. Matter of fact we’re gonna start things off with a championship match here shortly. This marks the last broadcast on SpikeTV. Many of you will recall when we left USA network what was then known as the Nashville network, then the National network, then SpikeTV. I’d like to see we’ve been some pretty good tag partners. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Spike for being such a good partner, but next week Monday Night Raw returns home. Three hours of the biggest homecoming ceremony you have ever witnessed including among other things John Cena the WWE Champion. John Cena defends against Raw’s very own general manager, Eric Bischoff. In addition to that…..

Interrupting Mr. McMahon is the music of the only Olympic Gold medallist in WWE history, Kurt Angle.

Angle on the mic: You know something Vince – I heard you talking about the WWE championship match next week for WWE”s homecoming. I had to admit I was a little bit upset that you picked the general manager, Eric Bischoff, instead of me. I mean, come on! Then I started to think – so I came out here to clarify something. As you already know I defeated John Cena at Unforgiven so I deserve a shot. I beat John Cena! So I get first dibs at the WWE championship. Whoever wins next week – whether it be Eric Bischoff or John Cena – I face the champion for the WWE Championship. Am I right or am I right?

Vince: Kurt you make a decent point. I mean yes you’re qualified no question to that. You’re a former champion and I would suggest you are in line for another – yes, you’re an Olympic Gold medallist as well.

Angle: Then I’ll settle for it….

**Oh…oh….Shawn***

Vince: Ladies and gentlemen, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels!
Shawn: Hold on a second moneybags I just want to clear something up here. You’re giving the Olympic guy all the championship matches, and it was because he was victorious at Unforgiven. Because if that is what would put someone in line for a WWE Title match then – I won at Unforgiven I want a title match.

Kurt: Are you kidding me? Give me a break. I think the Master Lock cut off the circulation from your brain. In case you forgot I defeated John Cena at Unforgiven. And you obviously forgot something else. Something much more important to you. (HBK Chants) I want each and every one of you to hear this. Remember Wrestlemania because I made your ass tap out!

Shawn: **Laughing** Cut off my blood flow to what? I remember Wrestlemania – I was there, I was there. But do you remember Vengeance? A little Sweet Chin Music – HBK’s hand raised in victory. We’re even Steven!

Kurt: Yeah well I beat you first.

Shawn: Is that the games we’re gonna play?

Vince: Wait a minute. I’m gonna solve our problem. Next week at homecoming it’s gonna be Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels for a rubber match. I assure you the outcome of this match will go a long way to find out just who will be facing the WWE Champion. But this shouldn’t be an ordinary match. This should be a 30 minute Iron Man Match. But that’s next week. I promised you a championship match to kick things off here. Here we go – bring em on down!

**Trish Stratus’ music hits**

Trish Stratus is being accompanied to the squared circle by Ashley. She will take on Victoria NEXT!

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WWE Slam of the Week brought to you by Juicy Drop Pop is Trish beating the piss out of Torrie Wilson last week then the attack by PMS 2k5 on Trish and Ashley.

We’re back with Trish and Ashley in the ring.

**I’m the lady to mess with….**

And here is PMS 2k5, Victoria, Torrie Wilson, and Candace Michelle.

Match 1: Women’s Title Match: Trish Stratus vs. Victoria

Trish and Victoria chest to chest in the ring. Victoria with a little finger shove. That didn’t go over well so Trish starts pounding away on her. Victoria with a knee to the abdomen. Off the buckle and Trish lands a head scissors sending Victoria outside the ring. Trish follows her out, but Victoria catches her and slams her back into the ring apron. Victoria throws Trish over the barrier. Victoria out after Trish and Trish nails a forearm shot. Trish on top of the security railing and she nails a clothesline! Trish rolls Victoria back into the ring. Trish going back into the ring, but Torrie and Candace pull her off nailing her face on the apron. Ashley taking care of Candace and Torrie, but Victoria grabs her and throws her off. Victoria rolls Trish back in the ring now. Victoria with a somersault leg drop from the outside to the inside. Cover gets 2! Slap by Victoria. Reverse chin lock with a bridge by Victoria. Pretty cool move. Victoria releases the move. Victoria has Trish up – tilt-a-whirl out of a sidewalk slam. Cover gets another 2. Irish whip by Victoria reversed by Trish. Victoria into the buckles. Head of steam by Trish meets the reverse elbow. Victoria to the top, but Trish climbs up going for a head scissors. Victoria counters that and pulls Trish up. Trish with a hard right hand. Victoria answers back with a right of her own and they both fall off the top rope to the outside. Victoria back in the ring. Trish follows her, but Victoria grabs her by the hair. Right by Trish! And another! And another. And more rights. Irish whip reversed by Victoria. Trish ducks under a clothesline and nails a spinebuster. Cover gets 2. Rake of the eyes by Victoria. Matrix by Trish! Stratusfaction attempt – and she nails it off the ropes! Cover is broken up by Torrie and Candace for the DQ. Trish fighting back and throws Torrie into Candace. Candace to the outside, but Torrie still in. Trish with a chick kick on Torrie! Candace getting her ass handed to her by Ashley and Trish in the ring now. Ashley strips Candace down to her bra and panties! And that looks niiiiice. Victoria and Torrie holding Candace’s chest for her now.

WINNER: Trish Stratus (5:20)

Candace is on the mic and she can’t believe she did this. Candace is humiliated. She asks Ashley if she has ever been publicly embarrassed like she was tonight. Next week it will be Candace, Torrie, and Victoria versus Ashley and Torrie in a bra and panties match. Someone keep a mic away from Candace for the rest of her life.

Big Show walks and shakes hands with someone. He will take on Snitsky NEXT!

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**WEEEEEELLLL….well it’s the Big Show!!**

Apparently this will be a street fight match! The Big Show will be on Conan O’Brien tomorrow night. Check your local listings for that.

**It Wasn’t My Fault….**

Here’s Snitsky, and he’s bringing his friend with him – a steel chair. We go back and review how this match came together. I’d rather not go into it as it was a little graphic – you know Snitsky’s backne and all?

Match 2: Big Show vs. Snitsky – Street Fight

Snitsky goes for the early chair shot, but Show ain’t having it. Show with a big slap! Irish whip reversed by Snitsky. Snitsky with a low blow and now he’s pounding the Big Show down. Snitsky to the outside, and he’s throwing trash cans and can lids in the ring. Snitsky with a metal street sign and he nails Show in the back. Another shot to the head! And another….and another! Cover by Snitsky gets 2. Snitsky with the trash can nails Show in the back, but that just pisses him off! Show slaps the can out of his hand, and throws Snitsky into the buckle. Show with the whip into the other buckle straight into the trash can! Show with a head of steam, and Snitsky with a kick to the knee slams Show’s head into that very trash can. Snitsky has another trash can. Snitsky going for a back suplex, but it’s blocked by the Big Show who lands a back suplex of his own into the trash can. Huge shot by Show into Snitsky’s head with the lid. And another! Chokeslam! But Show isn’t done. He crawls out of the ring and looks under the ring for some goodies. Hahahah…Show has the kitchen sink! In the ring again – and there’s a big shot to Snitsky with the sink! Cover – 1…2…3!

WINNER: Big Show (3:11)

Coach has just been informed by Spike TV that they are censoring them or something. I couldn’t hear because….well….because they are censoring them. Go to WWE.com if you want to see what was censored.

Ric Flair is talking with Maria so we take this time to review how Flair beat Carlito last week. Then, of course, Flair and Carlito got into, and Masters and Carlito went on to kick Flair’s ass.

Flair gets a kiss from Maria. She might just be the hottest Diva of them all.

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**WOOOOOOO….**

And here is the Intercontinental Champion of the World, the Nature Boy – Ric Flair!

Flair: It’s no secret that I’ve been beaten down in my career before. Hell, I’ve been jumped from behind more times than I can count. But one of the things that makes the Nature Boy special. He always comes back and he always gets even. Everybody knows that I’ve had friends in this business. Back in the day it was the Four Horseman. Nowadays – it takes just one. One what – wait just a minute I’ll be right back.

Flair heads to the back, and he comes back with a sledgehammer!

Flair: Next week at WWE Homecoming the Nature Boy gets even. It’s the return of Triple H (mixed reaction)– the greatest wrestler alive today and my best friend! Game on! WOOOO!!

Flair points to the big screen, and we get a nice little video montage of The Game. If they think they’re gonna bring him back as a face, and everyone will love him they have another thing coming if the reaction by these fans in Waco tonight means anything.

Eric Bischoff in the back on the phone. He’s talking about the Homecoming again. He’s not too happy about his match with Cena I take. And the Champ is here! John Cena tells the person on the phone he’ll call them back.

Cena: Next week – Homecoming. John Cena versus Eric Bischoff for the WWE Title. I know about you Mr. Karate man. Mr. Kung Fu Master! I went on the Internet and Eric Bischoff is a ninja in four states. It means next week at Homecoming you’d better bring your black belt, your samurai sword, your nunchucks, and your stars. Because it’s gonna be you, Eric Bischoff – Kung Fu Master – against the champ, John Cena. Give me a picture of your face because this is the last time you’re gonna be able to see it like this.

Cena leaves……nope he’s back and he scares the commish.

Cena: I know Kung Fu too – partna!

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The WWE Rewind is Shelton Benjamin doing all the crazy ass things he has done in his stint in the WWE.

**Ain’t No Stoppin’ Me Nooooooow**

And here he is, Shelton Benjamin!! And his opponent this evening is Kerwin White. He is being led to the ring by his new caddy, Nick Nemuth.

Shelton on the mic: You actually went out and got yourself a caddy. That’s awesome man. My hats off to you. Now you have someone to carry around your clubs and wash your balls. Ok….that’s fine, it doesn’t matter if you’re on the golf course or in the WWE ring – Chavo sucks! (Chavo sucks chant).

Match 3: Shelton Benjamin vs. Kerwin White

Bell rings as Shelton takes control. Irish whip by Shelton and a huge face buster by Shelton. Kerwin takes control with some boots now. Kerwin hands his sweater to his caddy. As Nemuth distracts the ref Kerwin chokes Shelton out with his polo. Shelton with some rights to the abdomen is thwarted by a knee from Kerwin. Snapmare by Kerwin locks in an armbar type maneuver. Shelton fighting out of it with some elbows. Rights now from Shelton. Irish whip by Shelton, and there’s a huge back body drop by Shelton! Shelton after Kerwin, but he throws him out of the ring. No – Shelton held on to the rope and elevates himself into the ring. Shelton with a Stinger Splash attempt. Kerwin moves out of the way, but Shelton lands on his feet on the top rope. Huge clothesline off the top by Shelton. Kerwin on the apron. Shelton goes for a suplex, but Nemuth grabbed Shelton’s leg – and Kerwin with the cover gets 3. Shelton attacks Kerwin after the bell. Rights and lefts by Shelton, but that’s interrupted by Nemuth and a 9 iron.

WINNER: Kerwin White (2:35)

Don’t forget the main event tonight – a table’s match with John Cena and Shawn Michaels taking on Carlito and Chris Masters.

In the ring some dude is setting up a ladder, and we’ll find out what that is about NEXT!

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We’re back with that ladder still in the ring.

**You Think You Know Me….**

And there they are – America’s favorite couple (or at least mine – they made me give a damn about Matt Hardy)….Lita and Edge.

Lita: Poor Matt Hardy. You know he thinks he actually accomplished something by giving me the Twist of Fate. No wait – he did. He proved how big of a loser he is. We’re gonna be just fine without ya. We’re moving on. I know a lot about Twists of Fate. I might have spoke too soon. I don’t know if these pathetic losers are ready to move on. As I was saying – I know a lot about Twists of Fate. Some can be really vicious, yeah. Others – rather ironic. Because it was five years ago – does it ring a bell, Matt. Right here on the very first episode of Raw on Spike TV. It was Edge and Christian and the Hardy Boyz in a ladder match for the tag team titles. And there I was – proud as I could be to support my man. My, my, my how things have changed.

Edge: One week Matt. Seven days. You know each rung on this ladder could represent the days left in your career. See, next week WWE comes home and once again Edge and Matt Hardy are gonna tear their bodies apart in a ladder match. Only this time the stakes are far greater than the Tag team titles. Even greater than a shot at the WWE championship. For the guy who doesn’t grab that briefcase he loses everything. He loses his life blood. His only reason for being. He loses his career. And next week, Matt – I become a career killer. No more bitching and moaning and whining and complaining on the internet. Next week – Loser Leaves Raw! Chant Hardy all you want! You know Matt – Matt says he will not die, he will not die! Well, when it comes to do or die situations I thrive. How do you think I got that Money in the Bank in the first place. Because it’s one-on-one in ladder matches I don’t lose. I never have and I never will. You see Matt in life there’s winners and there’s losers. Me? I’m a winner (laughs). That’s why that pretty lady is with me now and not you. And Matt – in this story you’re the loser! Nothing but a loser. An underachiever. Every opportunity that has come your way you’ve blown it. So Matt Hardy – why are things gonna change? How are you gonna hold off the inevitable. You can’t….

Matt Hardy interrupts this kick ass promo by threatening to push Edge off the ladder. But Matt stops and leaves Edge sitting atop the ladder. He backs away, and tells Edge one week. But he’s back in the ring! And he’s pushing and there goes Edge off the ladder!! That was a tough fall there.

Wow – Spike TV continues to censor the words, USA. What a bunch of faggots. I hope they love their Rhino/Jeff Hardy main event.

Bischoff is still in the back, and there’s Teddy Long! Teddy came to talk to Eric about next week’s homecoming show. Teddy says – “you and I, we’re two bidness men.” He wants some Smackdown exposure next week. Bischoff refuses, but here’s Vinnie Mac! Vince agrees with Teddy. Vince tells him to put a match together, announce it on Friday night, and we will get us some Smackdown flava next week!

Bischoff tries to convince Vince to change his mind about his match next week. Vince relives Eric almost tearing down WWE with his WCW creation. He tells Eric he has some friends and is ‘one of the most ruthless sons of bitches – and that’s a good thing.’ Eric is starting to feel a little better about this match now.

Don’t forget about the tag team table’s match in the main event!

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We’re back with Viscera and Val Venis in the ring. Their opponents tonight – the World Tag Team Champions Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch.

Match 4: Viscera and Val Venis vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch

This is a non-title match. Cade will star this one off with Val. Lock up. Cade backs Val into the corner. Cade calls for a clean break, but goes for a right which is blocked by Val. Whip by Val sends Cade off the ropes and Val with a reverse elbow. Murdoch in and he gets a clothesline. Val measures Cade and lands an elbow. Cover gets 1. Big WOO slap by Val. Irish whip by Val reversed by Cade. Cade head of steam meets the elbow of Val. Val up top, but Murdoch shoves him off the top! Murdoch rolls Val back in and Cade gets 2. Tag to Murdoch. Cade with the whip and Murdoch lands an inverted atomic drop while Cade comes in with a swinging neckbreaker. Cover gets 2. Cross face punched by Murdoch. Murdoch now with a front face lock. Val tries to counter out of it, but Murdoch nails Val. Murdoch goes for a few rights on Viscera, but that doesn’t work and Murdoch gets an atomic drop from Val. Tag to Viscera. Viscera taking care of both men. Cade and Murdoch stacked in the corner and Viscera nails a big splash on both men! Cade with a chair, but Viscera nails him off the apron. Tag to Val. Big splash by Viscera on Murdoch. Money Shot by Val! 1….2…..but Cade stops the referee from counting three. And that’s a DQ!

WINNERS: Val Venis and Viscera (3:39) via DQ

Carlito speaking Spanish in the back to Masters. Carlito isn’t very happy about the tables match. Masters can’t understand Carlito – he’s worried about splinters. Can he imagine what could happen to this Masterpiece of a body? Masters has the Master Plan. Those two are working pretty well together.

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We’re back, and here comes Eugene. He has some sort of voodoo doll with him.

**Just Look At Me….**

Eugene’s opponent is Rob Conway.

Match 5: Eugene vs. Rob Conway

Sign in the front row: “Sorry Conway – I’m Straight” – hahaha that’s good! Lock up into a side headlock by Conway. Conway off the ropes and he sends Eugene down with a shoulder block. Eugene is now talking to the doll. Eugene back up and he puts Conway in the airplane spin. Poke to the eyes by Eugene and another. Eugene takes a bite out of the backside of Rob Conway. Eugene tries on Conway’s glasses, and that’s something you just do not do! Conway attacks Eugene from behind. Conway stomping a mud hole in Eugene. “Nobody touches my sunglasses!” Irish whip by Conway and he lands a reverse elbow, the pose, and then an elbow drop. Cover by Conway gets 2. And another cover gets another 2. Reverse face lock by Conway. Conway slams Eugene’s head into the turnbuckle – hasn’t he been watching Eugene’s matches? That only pumps Eugene up. Rights and lefts by Eugene. And one final right sends Conway sprawling. Rock Bottom – countered by Conway. Conway walks into a spinebuster! Eugene going for the People’s Elbow. And he nails it! Cover gets 2! Eugene going for Hacksaw’s three point stance, but Conway has a hold of that doll. Conway rips the doll apart. Ego Trip by Conway and that’s all she wrote.

WINNER: Rob Conway (4:20)

Smackdown Rebound goes through the Batista/Eddie Guerrero saga from last week.

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Coach, JR, and the King run through the card for next week:

-John Cena vs. Eric Bischoff for the WWE Title
-Trish Stratus and Ashley vs. Victoria, Torrie Wilson, and Candace Michelle – Bra and Panties Match
-Matt Hardy vs. Edge – Loser Leaves Raw Ladder Match for the Money in the Bank
-Mick Foley in the Piper’s Pit
-Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels – 30 Minute Iron Man Match
-Stone Cold Strikes – Who Will It Be?
-A Smackdown Match
-Hulk Hogan Returns
-Triple H Returns

Meanwhile, Spike TV will have TNA on Saturday Night featuring a recycled Sunday Night Heat match from the past – Jeff Hardy vs. Rhino! If that doesn’t put asses in the seats I don’t know what will.

**I Spit In The Face of People Who Don’t Want To Be Cool……**

Here is Carlito!!! And his partner tonight, Chris Masters. Everyone please hush.

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We’re back live with Masters and Carlito readying themselves for the main event.

**Oh…oh….Shawn – I think I’m cute….**

The man, the myth, the legend – The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels!! And his partner…..

John Cena – the Champ is here!

Match 6: Chris Masters and Carlito vs. Shawn Michaels and John Cena – Tables Match

Match starting out as Cena pounds on Carlito and Shawn on Masters. Cena sends Carlito over the ropes to the outside and slams his head into the barrier. Meanwhile, HBK sends Masters facefirst into the turnbuckle. All four men back in the ring as Shawn slaps Masters and Cena pounds on Carlito. Shawn sends Masters to the outside. Sideslam by Cena on Carlito and Shawn lands an elbow. Cena looking for a table, but couldn’t find one. Cena and masters brawling on the outside. Cena gets control. Cena chokes Masters out with his shirt. Carlito got control of HBK inside so he heads to the outside and lands some lefts on Carlito. Big boot by Carlito into the abdomen of Cena. Masters and Carlito set up a table on the outside. Masters in the ring lands a right on HBK while Carlito lands some lefts on Cena on the outside. Carlito and Cena exchanging lefts and rights. Michaels on the inside lands a knife-edge chop. Carlito going for a vertical suplex into the table. Countered by Cena and he lands three rights to the face of Carlito. In the ring Michaels lands a flying burrito! Kip up! Michaels going for the Sweet Chin Music, but Masters rolls outside of the ring! Michaels goes for Sweet Chin Music on Carlito, but Carlito ducks and the referee gets it and he goes through the table! All hell is breaking loose, but we’ll be back!

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Ad Break Ends (6:53)

We’re back as HBK was elevated over the top rope. Whip by Cena sends Masters into the buckle who walks into an hip lock take over. F U! No, broken up by Carlito! Masters reverses it into the Master Lock, but HBK breaks it up. DDT by Carlito! All four men in the ring with Masters and Carlito in control. Masters and Cena on the outside. Masters drives Cena into the steel barrier. Carlito stomping the crap out of Michaels inside while Masters sends Cena into the steel ring steps on the outside. Masters and Carlito team up on Michaels and send him back first into the ring apron. Masters rolls Michaels back into the ring. Irish whip by Masters and Michaels walks into the vaunted military press gorilla slam! Carlito has a table set up on the outside now, but Cena takes out Carlito and starts pounding away on him! Cena turns the table over as Michaels fights out of a military press. Whip by Michaels reversed by Masters and Michaels goes Flair into the turnbuckle! Masters and Carlito pounding away on Cena on the outside. Masters rolls Cena back into the ring. Masters with a press slam on Cena. Carlito shoves the table into the ring and works on Michaels back some more on the outside. Masters sets up the table in the corner turnbuckle. Masters with a standing vertical suplex on the champ. Carlito and Masters looking to whip Cena into the table, but Michaels cut him off with a spear! Michaels whipped into the ropes, kicks Masters and starts pounding away on Carlito. Whip by Michaels and Carlito walks into a back body drop. Cena with a three point stance reverse elbow to Masters from buckle to buckle. Cena off the ropes and he nails a bulldog. Cena on Masters in one corner and Michaels on Carlito in the other. Crowd chants away on each punch! And they whip Carlito and Masters into each other! Scoop slam by both men! You can’t see me – five knuckle shuffle by both Michaels and Cena!! Michaels clotheslines Carlito to the outside. FU on Masters by Cena! Cena with the table, and he sets it up in the middle of the ring. Here’s Kurt Angle and Eric Bischoff. Michaels cuts off Angle, but he’ sin the ring now pounding on Cena. Michaels up to the top as Masters is lying on the table in the middle of the ring! Angle just pushed Michaels off the top rope onto the table on the outside! Ring the bell! Cena going for the FU on Angle, but Bischoff breaks it up with a low blow! ANGLE SLAM THROUGH THE TABLE BY ANGLE!!

WINNERS: Carlito and Chris Masters (14:56)

Bischoff has the WWE belt, and he’s holding it above the fallen Cena. Bischoff to Cena: “You can’t beat me!”

Decent show this week, but next week is going to be off the hook! Not only is it my birthday, but it’s also the return of the WWE to USA! It starts at 8 PM EST next week so don’t forget. See you then!