411’s WWE Smackdown Report: 03.03.06

Smackdown airs on Saturday this week and next in the NY area, so I’m actually not tardy at all. So there.

Booker T versus Tatanka

You know, back in 1999, I didn’t think we’d be seeing this match on Smackdown in 2006. Seriously, I didn’t see it coming. Lockup to start, and Booker gets an armlock. Tatanka reverses and yanks on it. Lockup again, and Tatanka gets a headlock. Booker shoots him off, but Tatanka gets a shoulder. He follows up with an armdrag. Chops are traded, but Booker gets a thumb to the eye. Booker scores a back elbow for two. Tatanka ducks the hook kick and nails a few strikes. Good to see Tatanka making that youngster Booker work for his respect. Tatanka gets a suplex for two. Booker slams him to the corner and gets a few chops and strikes. Tatanka fights back with kicks and chops, then shoots Booker across the ring. Booker reverses a whip and scores a Hot Shot. He measures Tatanka, then throws a jumping sidekick, nailing Tatanka in the jaw as he rises. Booker gets two, then pounds away on Tatanka. Booker gets a snapmare into a chinlock. He takes Topanga… er, Tatanka down to the mat. Tatanka gets up, because tepid fan reaction gets his juices flowing. Tatanka jumps a sidekick and hits a chop, then a few clotheslines. Slam by Tatanka, then a back suplex. Tatanka marches around the ring, then hits a running chop. He goes up top, but Booker counters a double axe handle with a leg lariat. Booker kicks to the gut, then hits the Axe Kick. He begins to posture for the Spin-A-Roonie, but The Boogeyman’s music starts to play. Booker is distracted, and The Boogeyman sneaks up behind Sharmell (on commentary). Tatanka gets a roll-up for the win.

Winner: Tatanka
Match Time: 7:25
Rating: ***
Commentary: Not bad, really. As much as I want to criticize Tatanka, he’s been strangely bearable this week and last week.

My big problem is The Boogeyman- he beat JBL, a former champ, in two minutes. Shouldn’t that earn him a shot at Kurt Angle? And by similar logic, shouldn’t he be able to take Angle down in at least five? These are the problems with pushing guys this hard and fast, and the problems are magnified when it’s somebody who hails from the bottomless pit.

Kurt Angle is taping himself up backstage.

A video of Rey Mysterio’s journey to the main event of WrestleMania is shown.

Randy Orton versus Super Crazy

Orton’s got new music. Fewer “heys” equals more praise. It’s from the newest WWE album, Reckless Intent. That’s an awful name. They couldn’t have gone with Reckless Abandon, or Reckless Youth? Circling to start, and Orton slaps Crazy. He follows up with the Lanky Dropkick, then beats on Crazy in the corner. He pulls his head back against the ropes, then hits a kneedrop for two. Orton hits the chinlock (take a shot), then lands a few crossface blows across the chest for two. Back to the chinlock. Orton gets a legdrop for two, then utilizes a hold in which he grasps his arm under Super Crazy’s head and pulls back with his other hand. Crazy gets up and fights back with punches, then dropkicks Orton’s knee and catches him with another in the head. Orton goes to the apron, and Crazy knocks him off with the Jericho springboard dropkick. Somersault plancha takes Orton down. Back inside, the cover gets two. Crazy gets a back elbow. He goes for a Tornado DDT, but Orton places him over the ropes. No problem, as Crazy gets a guillotine. Orton dodges the moonsault. He whips Super Crazy, but Crazy jumps to the ropes and springs out with a dropkick for two. Eye poke from Orton. He goes up top, but Crazy hits an enziguri and climbs up. He punches away, but Orton shoves him down, jumps down, and hits a clothesline. Orton stalks Crazy, then hits the RKO for the win.

Winner: Randy Orton
Match Time: 5:56
Rating: ***
Commentary: Another hot match. Orton is quite tolerable when he only spends 15% of the match on offense.

A clip package on Chris Benoit airs. For my money, there’s nobody better in the world.

This segues into the clip of Benoit breaking JBL’s hand. See? For my money, nobody better in the world! Footage of JBL’s surgery is shown, and the Benoit-JBL match at WrestleMania is hyped.

MNM versus Matt Hardy and Road Warrior Animal

Oops, I forgot the punctuation. That’s supposed to be “What, a rush?” If Hardy can’t win with Animal, his next pick will be The Berzerker. I have spoken. Hardy starts out with a rollup on Mercury for two. Wristlock into a wrench by Hardy, but Mercury escapes. Hardy reverses a hiptoss into a backslide for two. Mercury backs Hardy tot he corner, then scores a knee shot. Hardy avoids a dropkick and gets a jackknife rollup for two. Mercury tags Nitro, and the heels double team with stomps in the corner. Nitro gets a slam, followed by the breakdancing legdrop. Hardy throws Nitro to the buckle, then gets a clothesline. He whips Nitro back to the turnbuckle, then tags Animal. They yank him out of the corner flippingly. Nitro gets an eye rake and keeps the advantage until Animal crotches him on the top rope. They go outside, where Animal slams Nitro to the rail of pain. He slams Mercury against the apron, but Melina shoves him into a Nitro superkick. Animal climbs up to the apron, but Nitro knocks him down. Melina kicks him again and Mercury throws him back in for two. Tag to Mercury, and MNM hits a double Russian legsweep for two. Mercury with some right hands, followed by a headkick and a tag. Double legdrop gets two. Melina chokes Animal on the ropes with her legs, and MNM double teamedly stomps. Animal hits a punch, but Mercury comes back with a forearm. He goes up top, and Nitro Rocket Launches him off. Animal reverses into a powerslam, then tags Hardy, who comes in blazing. He knocks Nitro down, hits a standing elbow on Mercury, then goes for the Twist of Fate. Nitro runs in, but Hardy hits a reverse/regular DDT simultaneously. Side Effect on Nitro, Twist of Fate on Mercury, but Nitro breaks. Animal clotheslines Nitro out of the ring. Animal wants to do the Doomsday Device, but Hardy tells him to go up. He goes, and Nitro clips Hardy in the back of the leg as Animal comes off. He collides with Mercury, everybody goes down. Nitro hits the Superkick, and the Snapshot finishes Hardy. Post-match Animal and Hardy come to shoves. Animal kicks Hardy in the knee, then slams it against the ringpost. See, Animal was mad because Hardy told him to go up top. So he has no control over his own actions.

Winners: MNM
Match Time: 7:37
Rating: ***
Commentary: A good tag match. Animal gave up more offense than he did in his entire run with Heidenreich.

“Mean” Gene Okerlund’s Hall of Fame video is shown. Hulk Hogan will be inducting him. I say, have The Iron Sheik do the honors.

Finlay versus Lashley

The winner gets his first name back. Finlay comes to the ring with his shilail… uh, shillaleigh… his stick. Lockup, and Lashley backs Finlay against the ropes. Finlay nails a few kicks and a couple of European Uppercuts. Lashley gets an inverted atomic drop and an overhead belly to belly. Lashley clotheslines Finlay in the corner, then nails a couple of punches before Finlay gets a short arm clothesline. Lashley knocks Finlay down for a one count. Finlay rolls out and starts beating up shit out of anger. He tosses some chairs into the ring. Finlay and Lashley take dueling chairshots, and the referee calls for the bell. They continue to brawl until referees and security guards pull them apart. Lashley keeps the fight going with a spear. They take Lashley out, so Finlay goes to the apron and leaps off at Lashley. Lashley gets pulled halfway down the aisle, then breaks loose and attacks Finlay again.

Winner: No Contest
Match Time: 2:02
Rating: *1/2
Commentary: Not much of a match, but one sweet pull-apart afterwards. The great thing about those is that the longer they go, and the more times the wrestlers break free to attack one another, the better it gets.

Last week, Jillian Hall got stripped by Krystal Marshall. It was dumb, but I like Jillian, so the segment wasn’t a complete waste. They’ll have a match next week.

Regal tries to talk Burchill out of his piracy once more. Burchill tells Regal he’ll have his first match as a pirate next week, and he wants Regal to be his opponent. He follows up by cutting Regal’s tie with his little pirate sword.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Kurt Angle © versus The Undertaker

Undertaker corners Angle to start, but Angle dodges out. He tries to pull the same thing in the oppose corner, but Taker catches him. However, Angle reverses, pounding away on Taker in the corner. Taker grabs Angle by the throat and switches. Taker whips Angle across the ring. Angle gets a back elbow, then an armdrag into a fujiwara armbar. Taker gets up, so Angle twists the arm again. Taker reverses and takes Angle down by the arm, then gets a fujiwara of his own. Angle rolls out, but Taker still has the arm. Angle hits a few punches, but Taker wrenches the arm. He lifts Angle up from underneath by the arm, then throws him to the canvas. Taker bends Angle’s arm around the top rope, breaking at the referee’s count. Angle fights back with kicks, but Taker stops that with a kick of his own. Taker gets a wristlock and goes up top, but Angle catches him with a punch and nails a European Uppercut. Angle kicks away on Taker’s leg until he goes down, then stomps on him in the corner. Taker comes out and hits a back elbow, but Angle stays on him with brawling offense. Taker flips Angle over with a wristlock, then applies a rear top wristlock. Angle gets up and sends Taker to the corner, kicking him again. Angle gets a mounted nine punch. Taker pulls him out and lifts him for the last ride, but crotches Angle on the top rope instead. He kicks Angle off of the apron and we go to a commercial. When we come back, Taker rams Angle into the apron and starts to disassemble the announcers’ table. Angle cuts him off with punches and such, but Taker floors him with a clothesline. Taker lays Angle out over the apron, then kicks him in the head. He goes up to the apron, but rather than do a legdrop, he flips Angle over and drops the leg on the bad neck. Angle rolls out onto the arena floor. Taker tosses him back in and covers for two. Taker presses his forearm against Angle’s head and pushes it on the mat, then hooks him between the ropes and pulls back on the champ’s head. Taker chokes Angle in the corner with his boot. He goes for a whip, but Angle reverses and catches The Undertaker with a powerslam. After a delay, he covers for one. Angle grabs a rear chinlock, but Undertaker pulls Angle off by the face. Angle nails Undertaker over the back with clubbing blows, then nails a suplex for two. Angle applies a body scissors, scoring a couple of counts on Taker. Taker gets up and punches Angle from a shooty position, then gets to his knees and hits more punches. He nails Angle in the corner and charges in with a big boot, but Angle moves. Taker crashes out to the apron, and Angle hits a bunch of punches. Angle runs back and rebounds, but Taker hits a back elbow. Undertaker climbs to the top. Angle intercepts him, but Taker knocks him down. Angle comes back up again and hits several punches. Angle nails Taker with a superplex off the top, then covers for two. It’s time for the last commercial break of the night, bay-bee. Back on, Angle has a rear chinlock on The Undertaker. Taker punches his way out. Angle gets a double-leg takedown, then nails Taker with several punches. Angle clotheslines Taker out of the ring, but Taker lands on his feet and yanks Angle out. Angle reverses a whip to the steps, sending Undertaker into them and flying over. Angle breaks the count, then goes back out and rolls Taker in. Angle covers for two. Angle gets a European Uppercut, but Taker comes back with a punch. Slugs are traded, with Undertaker getting the better of it. He whips Angle to the corner, then catches him with a clothesline. Another follows. Taker scoops him and hits the Snake Eyes. Angle ducks a big boot and hits the German Suplex. Angle stalks Taker and goes for the Angle Slam, but Taker slides out and hits a big boot for two. Taker signals for the Chokeslam. He lifts Angle, but Angle rolls over and grabs the ankle. Taker lays on his back to fight the hold, but Angle rolls him over. Taker quickly rolls out and kicks Angle off. Taker goes for a Tombstone, Angle reverses, Taker slides out. Angle hits his eponymous slam, only getting two. Angle goes back to the Ankle Lock, this time cinching it in. Taker hops up to his free leg and rolls out. He grabs Angle by the throat and hits the Chokeslam. Taker walks around, but Angle picks the ankle and rolls him up into an Ankle Lock. Taker turns over and pulls Angle into a Triangle Choke. Taker bridges up, a la No Way Out, but Taker slides out of the pin. He keeps the hold locked in. Angle’s arm goes down twice, but he keeps it up the third time and gets to the rope. Taker gets up as a big “Angle” chant goes up. He drags Angle to the center of the ring and goes for a legdrop, but Angle catches the leg and goes back to the Ankle Lock. Taker kicks him off after a bit. Angle goes for another Angle Slam, but Taker slides out and grabs the Taker Care of Business! Angle fights out and hits a DDT for two. Angle climbs up top and goes for the Moonsault, but Taker moves. Taker scoops Angle up and nails the Tombstone. He makes the cover, but Mark Henry attacks from behind, drawing the DQ. Henry lays Taker out on the announcers’ table, then climbs onto the Spanish announcers’ table. He thinks better of jumping and turns away, but then nails a running splash, obliterating the table.

Winner: The Undertaker
Match Time: 28:22
Rating: ****1/2
Commentary: Had the final Ankle Lock led to the submission, I’d have possibly gone all the way. I find it funny that a ****1/2 match is ruined in order to start a program that will result in a ½* match, but the table spot was pretty boss, so whatever. I’m sorry to say that I didn’t see the Angle-Taker match from No Way Out, but this was the best WWE match I have seen since Angle-Michaels at WrestleMania. Sorry about the dumb rating, but I didn’t want to go all the way to ****3/4.

Great show any way you slice it, boys.