411’s WWE Smackdown Report 10.30.03

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily represent those of the rest of the human race.

My favorite holiday arrives tomorrow. Can’t bloody wait. I probably won’t do much this year except for go to work, visit my friends Georgia and Clayton (and new addition Solomon), and then take Julian out trick-or-treating in his resplendent Spider Man costume. What can I say – like father, like son. Actually, I did my celebrating for Halloween in a completely different fashion yesterday…

Had the distinct pleasure of going to see Anthrax (!!) play at the House of Blues in Orlando last night. Gawd, but that was an excellent show! Did an interview with lead singer John Bush beforehand at the venue for a feature story in BackStage Pass Magazine
(due out November 16 – be sure to get yours then!). A grand ol’ time was had by all. The entire interview will be transcribed and posted (Along with a show review? Still awaiting word from Widrish on that one…) on 411Music by this weekend.

As for stories that didn’t work out, I still haven’t heard word one from anyone in the MLW camp. Despite the rumors of an impending fold, official word from Court Bauer (via press releases and conversations with 1wrestling.com) is that he’s doing some managerial restructuring (read: housecleaning) and that once that’s all said and done, MLW should be back to regular operations. I damn sure hope so. Of course, Underground TV is on indefinite hiatus (guaranteeing me a spate of withdraw seizures), so who knows. I’m going to get a hold of someone in the office and clear this crap up if it kills me. I’m too big of a fan of the promotion at this point not to.

Decided to do away with the Non Wrestling Night Suggestion in lieu of some good ol’ fashioned Big Pimpin’, Baby!:

Bone up on last week’s Friday Bootleg over on 411Music before the new stuff hits tomorrow. Aaron Cameron does a bang-up job, despite having a pregnant wife and a resultant bunch of shit to do and put up with. And trust me, I know that pain well…

Evocator Manes braves the brutal world of fast food for your benefit. You owe him one, people.

Ken Anderson puts the spotlight on my favorite series of pay per views…until 1995, anyway…

Matt Nute throws a Halloween spin on The Finish Line for us old school Undertaker fans.

Jason Taylor left one thing out of his praise of Angle – what a class act the guy is outside of the ring as well. But that’s another story for another time…

Flea has a good point – if everything sucks and you can’t stand wrestling, then why do you watch?…

…but, then, my own little Hate Club in the 411 Forums board has accused me of the same, especially when it comes to Scotty Go Potty and dead wrestlers. Whatever.

Now then, onto the Rasslin’!

First, though, get your tickets out…
Cash 3: 069 (!!)
Play 4: 4294

SmackDown – 103003

Opening clips show Paul E’s introduction as General Manager and subsequent takeover of SmackDown before delving into the setup for Vince/Undertaker at Survivor Series. Paul re-started that match three times. I believe that ties the previous record set by Pat Patterson at Over The Edge ’98. I may have to look into that…

Music, Intro, and pyro bring out Kurt Angle as we get right to it!

Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit vs. John Cena & A-Train
The 10-man Survivor Series match is announced with only Kurt on one side and Brock Lesnar on the other. The rematch was ordered by Paul Heyman as a result of the blowup between Angle and Benoit. What, so do we get to see the same thing this week? Benoit and Angle are introduced separately; Cena and Train come out together before Cena cuts a promo rap about the blowup last week, comparing his opponents to lovers breaking up. Cena calls Train a Wookie before having to do damage control.
Benoit and Cena start with a collar-and-elbow tie-up that Benoit turns into a side headlock. Cena sends Benoit off the ropes and Benoit answers with a shoulderblock knockdown. Repeat last sentence. Benoit scores a backslide for 2. Cena gets sent off the ropes and meets a hiptoss. Man, Benoit is just owning him to start this. Patented Benoit chops and a forearm before Benoit tags in Angle. Angle lands some rights of his own before bouncing Cena’s head off the turnbuckle. More rights, followed by a chop then a nice snap suplex by Angle for 2. Off the ropes and Cena eats a back elbow for another 2. Cena finally gets his groove by raking Angle’s eyes and stomping him a new one. Tag to A-Train and Train, picking up where Cena left off, stomps away. Angle fires back with rights before sending Train off the ropes and catching him with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Cena runs in to a back elbow and a clothesline, sending him over the ropes to the outside. Angle turns around and gets murdered with a clothesline by A-Train. Vader Bomb (!) by A-Train in the corner gets 2. Stomps and right hands ensue and Cena is tagged in. Cena distracts the ref so Train can sneak in some choking. Irish whip and Cena hits a double axehandle on Angle for 2. Benoit runs interference so Angle can slap the Ankle Lock on Cena. A-Train breaks that up and Cena goes for a suplex. Angle falls out, however, and nails Cena with a DDT. The standing 10 count is on! Both men crawl to their corners and make the tag. Benoit tries to knock Train down with forearm shots and elbows, but a clothesline finally does the job. Cover for 2. Benoit hits another suplex before going for the Diving Headbutt~! – and misses! D’oh. Another standing 10 count before both men are up. In a cool sequence, A-Train hits the Bicycle Kick~! on Benoit, before getting caught in the Angle Slam~! by Angle, who in turn gets caught in the FU~! by Cena. Benoit is back up to chop down Cena in the corner. Train charges them, but Benoit moves and Train drills Cena. With Cena disposed of, Benoit hits the Rolling Germans on A-Train before going again for the Diving headbutt and HITS IT FOR 3! Rock on. So, the other team loses this week via miscommunication. You sure Paul’s not booking this? Benoit and Angle make nice after the win, but A-Train takes issue with Cena, repeatedly asking him “Where were you?!” Dude, you were the one who charged into Cena…! Train shoves, then piefaces Cena. Cena hits a low blow and an FU before leaving Train in the ring alone.

In the back, Vince is all sorts of pissed off – at Paul! – for (sort of) putting him in the Buried Alive match at Survivor Series. Paul tries to calm him down and fails. Vince says there will be no Buried Alive mach because there will be no Undertaker. As soon as he shows up, Vince guarantees that he’ll get carried out. Paul informs him that ‘Taker won’t be here – he’s off until Survivor Series because of the danger he poses. Vince has a conniption and then says he’ll still take care of this. Terrorists will burn his house and kidnap his kids, and a biker gang will rape his wife. Dude, you’d better not let Homeland Security catch wind of this idea. He orders Paul to make it happen in 15 minutes, or he will choke the life out of Paul as we go to:

Commercial.

In the back, Torrie shows off for no one in sight as we prepare for the Trick or Treat Costume Contest between her and Dawn Marie later tonight…

Somewhere else in the back, Angle approaches Benoit to be the 1st member of his Survivor Series team. Benoit says they’re liable to kill each other. Angle understands and accepts that risk. Benoit accepts the offer, but tells Kurt they’re not friends. Kurt doesn’t want a friend – he wants to win.

And yet somewhere else in the back, Paul reports to Vince that the terrorists are not available. Vince says he will make good and drag Paul to the ring, choke the life out of him, then fire him. Paul’s response? “Go ahead and fire me, Vince.” Paul wants to work for the Vince McMahon that crushed his competition (including himself), put the wrestling company run by Ted Turner and AOL’s billions into the ground and stared down the federal government, not the shell that picks on Zach Gowen and his own daughter Stephy. What happened to Vince’s aggression> ‘Taker will bury Vince unless Vince can dig down and find the man that works best when backed into a corner. Vince leaves after the brilliant promo by Paul E – but then, this is Paul, so what do you expect? If Vince still has to be on the show, then this is how I want to see it done.

Commercial.

Back to Cole & Tazz analyzing the last segment before putting over some house shows with video package.

Back in the arena, Tajiri (with Yang and Sakoda in tow) is at the commentary table for:

Rey Mysterio vs. Ultimo Dragon. Homina homina homina…
Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start turns into a hammerlock into a side headlock by Ultimo. A kick goes into a criss-cross segment by both before Ultimo ends it with a clothesline. Off the ropes, Rey hits a springboard body press for 2. More kicks by Ultimo take Rey down for 2. The commentary focuses on the ongoing Nidia epic rather than the match. Fools. Irish whip and an elbow by Rey .for a charging Ultimo. Another Irish whip by Ultimo and Rey comes back with a dropkick to the knee. Standing bulldog by Rey gets 2. Suplex attempt by Ultimo is countered and Ultimo charges. Rey hits the drop toehold into the ropes, putting Ultimo in prime 619 position. Rey comes with it, but Ultimo hits a back bodydrop. Rey lands on the apron and with a springboard, but Ultimo meets him on his way down with a shot to the ribs. Damn, now I’m sounding like Michael Cole. Rey shoves Ultimo into the ref (inadvertently) and during the confusion, Tajiri hops up and nails Rey with the Buzzsaw Kick to the back of Rey’s head. The 3 count by Ultimo is academic. Good, maybe now this will rescue him from Velocity hell. Tajiri and his buds are in to jump Ultimo – nope, they just bow instead as Ultimo leaves the ring.

In the back, Brock Lesnar and Big Show argue about who screwed the pooch last week. A PA comes in for Brock – Paul wants to see him – this ought to be interesting as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Paul walking out with Nathan Jones (terrific) and Matt Morgan. Paul introduces Jones and explains his heel turn as “some lame ass advice given by the Undertaker”. I’m sorry, but that’s a lame reason. At least money would have been a decent explanation. Morgan is introduced as SmackDown’s #1 draft pick I thought that was The Rock…and since when was there another draft? Down to business as Paul calls out Brock Lesnar. Hoboy. Good to see the bad blood between these 2 still exists. Continuity rules. Paul tells Brock he just wants to talk business. Brock brings out the Big Show just to be on the safe side. Waitaminute – weren’t these 2 just arguing in the back? What was that about continuity again? Cole: “Brock may want to be careful – we have no idea what Morgan and Jones are capable of.” I can’t speak for Morgan, but we already know that Jones is capable of some colossal suckage. Brock says he can make history of these 2 and that he still hates Paul’s guts, but if he’s talking business then he needs to talk fast. Paul names Brock captain of his own team at Survivor Series and then names 3 of his teammates – Big Show, Matt Morgan and Nathan Jones. Brock likes that, but Paul’s not done. Paul also told him that his phone has been ringing off the hook all week by 2 people that think Brock sucks as WWE Champ and that Big Show sucks as US Champ. Paul took it upon himself to show these 2 members of Angle’s team that they don’t suck by booking them against Brock and Show later tonight. Those 2 would be the APA. Brock likes that too, but why should he trust Paul? Paul says not to – trust his greed as a businessman instead. A good enough explanation as he throws in with Paul’s ideas. Continuity officially destroyed in a segment that had so may holes I don’t know where to begin.

In the back, Orlando Jones and Paul London are playing SmackDown: Here Comes The Pain. They are interrupted by Dawn Marie showing off her costume for the Trick or Treat Contest – which is next! – as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to another Hardcore Holly video promo. He’s coming for Brock. That oughtta be fun. Go ahead, Bob, stiff Lesnar again, why don’tcha…

Back to the ring, decorated for the Trick Or Treat Costume Contest. Funaki is announcing this one, dressed as Undercover Brother. Heh. Torrie is out first, dressed in a bunny outfit. Get it – Playboy? Bunny? Haw. Or something. Dawn is out as Wonder Woman. Anybody who saw Torrie Wilson dressed as Wonder Woman at Halloween Havoc 2000 knows that these 2 should switch costumes. Torrie starts out the contest to a nice applause. Dawn struts next, and the contest sounds even at this point. Helps that Dawn has an ass that could stop traffic. Damn you, Simon Diamond! Time for the audience to choose and Torrie wins. But now comes the second portion of our contest – bobbing for apples in chocolate! Torrie is up fist – no, Dawn Marie volunteers to go first instead. Dawn has Funaki undo her thigh-high boots. Bastard. Instead of bobbing, Dawn gets into the tub and removes her top~! She pops up, topless except for chocolate. Whoa. Tazz enters the ring at this point and says that we’ve had our treat, now it’s time for Torrie to give Funaki a trick. Torrie teases Funaki for a bit before turning and shoving Tazz into the vat. Hurrm. Now, will Tazz get all pissed off like he did when Sable dumped water on him? He looks stunned, then tastes the chocolate. I guess not…

Later on, Brock Lesnar and the Big Show take on the APA as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to a video package introducing the in-ring return of The Cat! Yes! Somebody call my mama!

In the back, Brock approaches John Cena and congratulates him. Seems Cena is the rumored 5th member of Lesnar’s Survivor Series Team. Cena looks unimpressed and says nothing as he walks away. Huh.

Commercial.

Back to Cole and Tazz at ringside. Tazz seems in good enough spirits as he smears some chocolate on Cole. Guess the mood isn’t about to change after all…

In the back, Chavito is bitching Eddie out for losing not only the US Title, but also the Tag Team Titles. Chavito pulls the drugs and alcohol card on Eddie. Man, that’s just low. Chavito says Eddie owes everyone a public apology before walking away.

Clips of last week wherein the Basham Brothers won the WWE Tag Team Titles (I still don’t get that one) and Chavito’s subsequent outburst and desertion.

Back to the arena, Eddie is out to the ring to a big ass Eddie chant. Chavito wants a public apology, eh? Well, he’s right – Eddie has a lot to be sorry for, letting down Chavito, the people, La Raza, La Familia, and anyone else within earshot for letting them down. Eddie is sorry. Another chant breaks out before Eddie brings up the drugs and alcohol. That hurt, especially since Chavito watched Eddie battle that demon day in and day out. He doesn’t why Chavito would bring that up, unless he thinks Eddie is weak. Eddie may be weakened, but he didn’t get sober through self-pity. No sir, he got sober by fighting, and he will continue to do so to prove himself to Chavito and everybody else. Shaniqua is out, holding both tag belts. Eddie warns her about getting in the ring to take on Latino Heat. Shaniqua steps in anyway – as do the Bashams from behind. Eddie fights off all 3 valiantly before heading up for the Frog Splash on Shaniqua. Danny Basham stops that by shoving Eddie to the floor and both Bashams work him over on the outside, sending him into the steel steps as the capper. Chavito – a day late and a dollar short – comes out to save his brother as the Bashams leave with Shaniqua. Wow. God damn, but that promo was intense. That whole segment may have done more to get Eddie over than any match could have.

Commercial.

Back to the official song for Survivor Series – “Building A Bridge” by limpdick off of their new album, “Results May Vary”. Who that little cluckhead thinks he is taking on a Who cover is beyond me. Trust me, you’re much better with Anthrax’s new album, “We’ve Come For You All”, featuring Roger Daltery guest singing on “Taking The Music Back”.

In the back, Paul E pays Eddie (and the trainer) a visit. Eddie is beside himself and wants the Basham Brothers anytime, anywhere for the titles. Paul makes him a deal – if he can beat both of them next week, he’ll get a shot at the titles the following week. And if he does, that will prove my point about the Bashams. Eddie says they’ll be ready, but Paul informs him it will be under handicap rules with Eddie going it alone. That just serves to piss Eddie off further…

Somewhere else in the back, Josh Matthews interviews Kurt Angle about Survivor Series. Angle says that the opposing team is pretty formidable, but Angle has it covered. He’s got himself, Benoit, and a new member that just confirmed via telephone – Hardcore Holly. Umm, okay. Angle also says he has 2 of the toughest men in WWE history – and the camera pans to Dave Hebner and Steve Lombardi, scratching his ass. Tee hee. The camera points back and we are informed that those were the wrong 2 as we see the APA. Both men promise Angle an ass-whipping clinic as they head to the ring and we head to:

Commercial.

Back to a rundown of the SmackDown half of the Survivor Series card and an interview with the Undertaker regarding Buried Alive. I thought he had the day off…

Undertaker addresses 2 questions – Was last week’s beating worth it? He’s taken worse than Show and Lesnar (true), and he’ll settle up with them later. Why Vince? Well, Undertaker wants nothing more than to become WWE Champ for the 5th time. And as Vince himself said, as long as he’s breathing, ‘Taker will never get a shot at the WWE Title. So, it’s time Vince stopped breathing. Makes sense to me.

Back to the arena, Brock Lesnar and Big Show are brought out for Brock Lesnar/Big Show vs. APA as we are brought to out final:

Commercial.

Back to the introduction of the APA as we get underway. Brock and Bradshaw start as Lesnar kicks Bradshaw into the corner and drills him with shoulderblocks. Irish whip is reversed and Bradshaw gets clotheslined and clubbed. Lesnar pummels Bradshaw into the heel corner and Show is tagged in. Big Show hits the headbutt and some more clubbing forearms. Irish whip again, and Bradshaw fires off with clubbing blows of his own along with some right hands. Sidewalk Slam by Big Show stops that and gets a 2 count. Right hand by Show as he backs Bradshaw into the corner and chops the skin off of his chest. Ouch. Corner whip and a charge by Show, who tastes Bradshaw’s boot. Show jacks up Bradshaw, but Bradshaw escapes and finally tags in Simmons. Lesnar gets knocked off the apron before Show takes some kicks to the gut. Simmons gets knocked down, but Bradshaw runs in with the Clothesline From Hell~! on Show. Simmons covers for 2. Bradshaw and Lesnar step outside where Lesnar gets the better of Bradshaw before sending him into the steel steps. Lesnar then grabs a chair and goes back in. Brock knocks Simmons’s spine out of alignment with the chair in plain sight of the ref, who calls for the DQ. The match was immaterial, as it often is in setup situations. At least it was quick and painless. Big Show Chokeslams~! Simmons and Lesnar wears out Simmons’s leg with the chair. Brock drapes the chair over Simmons’s knee for a 2nd rope legdrop by Big Show. Owitch! Bradshaw runs in and takes a wicked chairshot to the dome. Angle and Benoit are out to stop the carnage – and stop it they do! Angle gets an Angle Slam AND Ankle Lock on Big Show as Benoit slaps the Crossface on Lesnar. But wait – Nathan Jones and Matt Morgan are out and things is lookin’ bad again. Morgan hits a gutwrench sitout powerbomb on Angle and Jones nails Benoit with a gutwrench side slam on Benoit. Wonder how long it took him to learn that one. The heels celebrate over their victims as this one is over.

Not bad at all. A minimum of McMahons, with the focus going to the Survivor Series and Paul E, not to mention a huge non-wrestling build of Eddie Gurrero. Of course, the writing could use some cleaning help, but I’m sure this isn’t surprising news or anything.

L8.

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