411’s WWE Velocity Report 05.03.03

GOOD-BYE, LIZ
I guess the WWE shape Lex Luger was said to be getting into was that of the early 1990’s WWE.

VELOCITY #50
When are the gonna quit showing The Rock in the Velocity opening? Not only is he gone again already, but he wasn’t even a SmackDown wrestler in his latest stint! Oh yeah, Josh Mathews and Ernest Miller are your announcers. I’m your host. Love me.

MATCH #1: CRASH (w/ SHANNON MOORE) v. JAMIE NOBLE (w/ NIDIA)
Referee: Mike Chioda

They approach each other and lock up. Head lock into a snap mare take over by Noble. Head scissors by Crash. Kip up by Noble and both men are back on their feet. Crash successfully throws up the “V1” sign. Shannon makes a move towards Nidia on the outside so Noble slides out of the ring after him. Crash slides out as well and hides behind the steps. Noble chases Moore but Crash blindsides him. Back in the ring Crash stomps on Noble in the corner. Chioda backs him up. Drop toe into the second turnbuckle by Noble. Back suplex by Noble and a cover for a 2-count. Punches by Noble into an Irish whip. Shoulder block by Noble sends Crash out of the ring. Baseball slide by Crash is blocked and he drops an elbow to Noble’s windpipe. Scoop slam by Crash for a 2-count. Crash whips Noble to the corner and hits a back elbow for another 2-count. Kneeling surfboard by Crash. Noble powers up and out but Crash counters with a Boston crab attempt. Noble blocks it with a roll-up for a 2-count. Noble ducks a clothesline and hits a neck breaker. Noble ducks a clothesline, stomps Crash twice in the gut, whips him into the corner and hits a short-arm clothesline. Noble whips Crash to the corner again and charges. Crash gets his feet up. Crash charges. Power slam by Noble for a 2-count. Noble goes for a tiger driver. Crash counters with a slingshot to the corner. Noble lands on the second ropes and hits Crash with a back kick. As Noble climbs to the top, Shannon tries to stop him but Nidia interferes. Shannon kicks Nidia down to the outside mat. Noble dives off the top rope onto Shannon. Nidia stomps on Shannon as Chioda watches. In the ring Crash hits Noble with a copy of “Exist 2 Inspire.” Crash hits his finisher, the Bottom Feeder (AJ Style’s the Style Clash), formerly called the Crash Landing.

WINNER: Crash (4:30)

RECAP: Big Show and Rey Mysterio from Backlash. This is called a Velocity Exclusive, but seeing as how it was available last week on PPV, I fail to see how it’s “exclusive” to anything anymore. And I’m guessing it was all the lard and chicken grease on his fingers that caused Big Show to drop Rey. This then leads into the Brock/Big Show confrontation from SmackDown. How can Brock call Show “gutless?” Is he blind? Can’t he see his freakin’ gut? Jesus, how can you miss it?

MATCH #2: RIKISHI v. ARCH KINCAID
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris

At the bell, Kincaid, wearing amateur headgear, attacks Rikishi from behind. Chops in the corner by Kincaid. Rikishi no sells. Eye poke by Kincaid. Kincaid tries for a scoop slam but cannot lift Rikishi; instead he hurts his own back. Scoop slam by Rikishi. Throat thrust by Rikishi. Chops in the corner by Rikishi. Chop in another corner by Rikishi, followed by a whip. Power slam by Rikishi. Back breaker by Rikishi. And another. Ass ram in the corner by Rikishi (Backin’ That Ass Up). Savate kick by Rikishi and he climbs the ropes. Banzai Drop (Rump Shaker) by Rikishi for the pin.

WINNER: Rikishi (2:02)

MATCH #3: TAJIRI v. JASON PACARO
Referee: Brian Hebner

They circle. Collar and elbow tie up. Armbar by Tajiri. Pacaro flips into a reversal. Tajiri rolls thru and kicks Pacaro in the head. Tajiri calls for crowd reaction and gets some. Another tie-up. Headlock by Pacaro. Tajiri slaps Pacaro in the gut and sends him to the ropes. Tajiri goes for a leap frog but Pacaro hits a mid-air drop kick to the midsection. Reversed whip to the corner by Tajiri. Pacaro tries to leap over Tajiri but gets caught. Head scissors by Pacaro. Pacaro charges. Back body drop by Tajiri, but Pacaro lands on the apron. Tajiri back kicks him off it. Tajiri waves to the crowd. Tajiri suplexes Pacaro back into the ring. Pacaro lands on his feet. Full nelson by Pacaro into a spinning neck breaker for a 2-count. Snap mare by Pacaro into a kneeling surfboard. Tajiri uses the power of the crowd to fight to his feet and elbow out. Double wrist snap mare by Tajiri. Leg sweep takedown by Pacaro. Elbow drop by Pacaro. 2-count on Tajiri. Bottom rope choke by Pacaro. Snap suplex for a 2-count by Pacaro. Pacaro goes up top for a leg drop but Tajiri moves out of the way. Three chops, a whip and a spinning heel kick by Tajiri. 2-count on Pacaro. Reversed whip by Pacaro. Handspring back elbow by Tajiri. Josh calls it “vintage Tajiri.” Scoop by Tajiri. Pacaro escapes with a spinning neck breaker for a 2-count. Pacaro ducks a kick and goes for a hurricanrana. Tajiri counter with a sit-out power bomb. Buzzsaw kick by Tajiri for the pin.

RECAP: The debut of Mr. America.

WINNER: Tajiri (4:25)

MATCH #4: A-TRAIN v. BILL DeMOTT
Referee: Mike Sparks

And we open with a stare down from across the ring. DeMott encourages a “Shave Your Back” chant. A-Train tries for a lock-up but DeMott backs off and calls for more crowd chanting. They finally lock up fifty seconds into the match. Aw, how fitting, as it’s the 50th episode of Velocity! Halfway to syndication! A-Train forces DeMott into the corner and then misses with a big punch. Another lock up. Headlock by DeMott. A-Train sends DeMott to the ropes and comes back with a shoulder block. DeMott stays on his feet. Shoulder block by DeMott and A-Train stays on HIS feet. DeMott ducks a clothesline, hits four punches and an Irish whip. A-Train comes back with a stiffer shoulder block and this time DeMott goes down. A-Train charges. Back elbow by DeMott. Punches in the corner by DeMott. Reversed whip by A-Train. Clothesline by DeMott and A-Train goes down. 1-count by DeMott. Rear chin lock by DeMott. A-Train fights to his feet. Battering ram in the corner by A-Train. Manhandling in the corner by A-Train. Short arm clothesline by A-Train. Vader splash from the second rope by A-Train for a 2-count. Scoop slam by A-Train and a big splash for a 2-count. Three punches by DeMott. Bear hug by A-Train. Ear claps by DeMott to escape. DeMott hits the ropes but A-Train hits a back elbow. Rear chin lock by A-Train with a knee in the back. DeMott powers up and hits back body drop. Three punches and a whip to the ropes by DeMott. Kick to the gut by A-Train and he goes back to the ropes. Pancake by DeMott. 2-count by DeMott. I can’t believe this match has lasted over five minutes… Derailer by A-Train but he’s slow with his cover so DeMott is able to kick out. Stomps by A-Train. Power slam by DeMott and he climbs the ropes. A-Train knocks the ropes and DeMott falls off, onto his head. Big bicycle kick by A-Train for the pin.

WINNER: A-Train (6:14)

-360 JAKKED
Minus three and counting. Last year this week…
1. Chavo Guerrero beat Maven
2. Hugh Morrus beat Funaki
3. Hurricane beat Albert
4. Godfather beat Tazz. What? Tazz was a wrestler? What next Michael Cole v. Goldberg?

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
Lat year this was Spider-Man week and I predicted a $62 million opening weekend. It clobbered that. This year, along with Free Comic Book Day, it’s also X2: X-Men United opening weekend and I predict a $58 million 3-day pull. As of this writing it netted $32.5 million on opening day, the second highest opening day ever, behind Spidey.

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Happy 1st Anniversary to new homeowners Vince & Kim Pace! Seems like only a year ago I was writing a Jakked column while hung over from your wedding…

OUT
Done and done. Next week, a double dose of madness.