411’s WWE Velocity Report 06.28.03

MISS VELOCITY?
Catch Velocity every Saturday night starting at 10/9 CT on TNN!

Chris Benoit and Rhyno recently battled in the U.S. Title Tournament. But this week on Velocity, they’ll have to put any differences aside if they want to have any hope of beating the Basham Brothers, who will be accompanied by Shaniqua.

In singles competition, Billy Gunn, with the red-hot Torrie Wilson, will be in action.

Plus, we’ll look back at the Zach Gowen-Stephanie McMahon-Mr. McMahon situation from SmackDown!

Miss Velocity; that’s what this Report is lacking, a female spokesmodel…

This just in! This is male spokesmodel W. Dal Bush. I was just reading some of Patrick’s Velocity recap and thought I’d add my own much-respected and never-ignored input. First, Torrie is not red-hot. She is white-hot. That’s hotter than red. Hottest of them all before you get to the point where oxygen burns. Not quite Carnie Wilson hot, but still easy on the eyes. Second, the name “Mr. McMahon” is misleading. Could this refer to Shane? A long lost McMahon relative, like Crazy Uncle Zachariah, the right-wing gun nut? I need more information, that’s why I come to 411Mania! Finally, the last thing the Velocity needs is a hot female spokesmodel to cater to the every whim, sexual or otherwise, of the recapper. Confidential, on the other hand… Well, that’s it for me. This was all a tremendous waste of time and I appreciate your muttering in agreement. Enjoy Velocity!

Thanks, Dal, now don’t you have your own show to write and a certain Chicago parade to prepare for?

VELOCITY #58
Fittingly we follow up that long-winded and rambling, off-the-point introduction with Josh Mathews and Ernest “The Cat” Miller. And Tony Chimel must be out sick because Josh did the ring announcing on SmackDown and here on Velocity we get Howard Finkel! Take it away fellas!

MATCH #1: BILLY GUNN (w/ TORRIE WILSON) v. KANYON
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris
Kanyon’s step-up side burns are, uh, interesting. I’d never, ever wear mine like that and I do some pretty stupid things with mine, but his are certainly different.
And The Cat spends way too much time talking about Billy Gunn’s body, as evidenced by his saying things such as, “Look at Billy Gunn’s body!” No, no thank you. Although I am an ass man.

Brief circling and the finally lock up via the collar and elbow standard. Quick armbar by Billy. Billy converts it into a headlock. Kanyon grabs the tights and tries to send him to the ropes but Billy holds on to the headlock. And again. Kanyon makes his way to the ropes himself to break the hold. Another lock up and this time Kanyon gets the armbar headlock combo. Billy uses a drop toe hold to escape. Yet another lock up. Billy sends Kanyon to the ropes. Kanyon ducks a clothesline. Drop kick to the knee from Billy. Arm drag by Billy. And another. Hip toss into a cover by Billy. 2-count on Kanyon. Billy sets up the Fameasser but Kanyon ducks it. Kanyon retreats to a corner. Billy approaches. Boot to the gut by Kanyon. Kanyon puts Billy in the corner and punches him in the head a few times. Kordaris backs him up. Two punches and a whip by Billy. Kanyon comes back with a side Russian leg sweep. Kanyon holds on and immediately follows with a face buster. I guess he really is the Innovator of Offense. 2-count on Billy. Stomps by Kanyon. They trade punches and Billy ends up in a corner. Kanyon climbs him to the second rope for a bulldog and another 2-count. Headlock by Kanyon. As Billy struggles, Torrie seductively pounds on the mat. Hey, no lollipop today? Billy works up to his feet and punches out but Kanyon pulls him down by his head. Kanyon climbs to the second rope and comes off with a double axe but Billy gets a boot up. Billy hits a Diamond Cutter for another 2-count. Clothesline by Billy. And another. Reversed whip by Kanyon. Leap frog by Billy followed by a drop kick. 2-count on Kanyon. Billy ducks a clothesline but Kanyon hooks in a reverse neck breaker. Kanyon sets up the Flatliner but Billy shoves him to the ropes, hits a boot to the gut and nails the Fameasser for the pin.

WINNER: Kip “Billy Gunn” Sopp (5:22)

After the match both Billy and Torrie moon the crowd. Cat asks that someone call his momma and tell her to turn the TV off.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: Hey—there’s a local commercial for the pharmacy that’s just down the block from W. Dal Bush’s store. That’s where he buys all his Reese’s Stix. Or Sticks. Or however they’re spelled.

RECAP: Seriously, do we need this much Vince McMahon on our Thursday and Saturday nights? I know that Zach Gowen can wrestle, thanks to NWA:TNA, but does the rest of the SmackDown viewing public? Shouldn’t we get to see if he has any in-ring ability before he’s awarded a contract? Doesn’t Stephanie run SmackDown (on TV, not backstage)? Shouldn’t she just tell Vince to piss off?

EXTREME BLAST OF THE NIGHT: The WWE debut of Ultimo Dragon! Hell yes! Did you see his finishing move? Man that was cool! I vote they call it the Dragon’s Breath. See, it knocks the wind out of his opponent and it ties into his whole theme… And that woman with Kidman was damn cute!!

MATCH #2: SPANKY v. JOHN XAVIER
Referee: Brian Hebner
Xavier is good. Spanky is damn good. This match should be the best of tonight’s show.

Lock up. Xavier ducks behind and takes Spanky down with a belly-to-back suplex. Float over into a front face lock by Xavier. Sit-out escape into an armbar by Spanky. Xavier rolls through, pushes off Spanky with his feet and grabs his own armbar. Kip up by Spanky but Xavier pulls him back down. Spanky rolls through. Hammerlock by Xavier. Spanky flips over Xavier and hits an armdrag. And another and he keeps the arm locked. Whip to the ropes by Xavier. Shoulder block by Spanky. Spanky still hits the ropes. Leap frog by Xavier. Waist lock by Spanky. Xavier gets out by grabbing the ropes. Drop kick by Spanky. Armdrag into armbar combo by Spanky. Xavier works to his feet and backs Spanky to a corner. Chop by Xavier, followed by a forearm. Cross corner whip by and he charges. Spanky hops over him and tries for a head scissors. Xavier catches his feet and tosses him over the ropes. Spanky lands on the apron and hits a battering ram thru the ropes. Spanky rolls over Xavier’s back, back into the ring and goes for another armbar. Xavier holds onto the ropes to counter it and hits a reverse suplex. Xavier holds on and rolls thru it, into a chinlock. More of a camel clutch, I guess. Xavier shifts to an armbar, complete with locked feet, but Spanky makes It to the ropes to break the hold. Punches by Xavier. Here’s a thought, cut Orlando Jordan and hire Xavier. Deal? Xavier hits the ropes and comes back with a diving punch. High knees in the corner by Xavier. Double knee to the face from the second rope by Xavier. 2-count on Spanky. Chin lock by Xavier. A “Let’s go, Spanky!” chant breaks out. Spanky works to his feet and elbows out. Forearms to the head by Xavier. Roll-up by Spanky for a 2-count. Spanky blocks a clothesline and hits a high kick to the head. They trade punches and forearms. Reversed whip by Xavier. Spanky comes back with a flying elbow. Clothesline by Spanky. Running back elbow by Spanky. Irish whip by Spanky and he hits a high, non-spinning, heel kick. Xavier bails out of the ring. Plancha over the ropes by Spanky, onto Xavier. Spanky rolls Xavier back into the ring by the time Hebner hits the count if six. Spanky sets up Sliced Bread #2. Xavier spins Spanky and kicks him in the gut to prevent it. Xavier sends Spanky to the ropes and hits a hard power slam for a 2-count. Crossface neckbreaker by Xavier and he heads to the top rope. 450° splash by Xavier but Spanky gets his knees up to block. Spanky hits Sliced Bread #2 from the middle of the ropes for the pin.

WINNER: Brian “Spanky” Kendrick (6:22)

Now that I think about it, Ultimo Dragon’s finisher is Sliced Bread #2 without using the ropes.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

MATCH #3: A-TRAIN v. KEVIN KNIGHT
Referee: Mike Chioda
A-Train stars by throwing many chairs into the ring, just as he did last week. I’d probably throw chairs too if I had to job to Billy Gunn on SmackDown.

Before there’s even a bell A-Train grabs Knight by the head and rams him into the turnbuckle a few times. Chioda pulls him off. Chop by A-Train. A-Train throws Knight cross corner and charges. Knight gets his feet up. Punch by Knight. High knee by A-Train. Another cross corner whip by A-Train. Running splash in the corner by A-Train. A-Train throws Knight out of the ring and follows him. Face to the steel steps by A-Train. Back to the ringpost by A-Train. And again. A-Train gets back in the ring and encourages fan chanting. A-Train hops back out of the ring and rolls Knight back in. Forearm to the throat by A-Train. Head off the ring apron by A-Train and he climbs back into the ring. Middle rope slingshot guillotine by A-Train. Cover by A-Train but he pulls Knight up at the count of one. Head to the turnbuckle by A-Train. Punch to the head by A-Train. Knight finally fights back with two punches. A-Train just shrugs them off and hits the Train Wreck for the pin.

WINNER: Matt “A-Train” Bloom (2:38)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

RECAP of the six-man tag match from SmackDown featuring Benjamin, Hass and Show v. Mr. America, Lesnar and Angle.

REWIND: Matt Hardy V1 beating Rikishi in the US Title Tournament. It’s a tournament, right? Brackets would be nice…

MATCH #4: CHRIS BENOIT & RHYNO v. THE BASHAM BROS. (w/ SHANIQUA)
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris, pulling double duty.
My friend Terry Gant called it right when he said the Bashams are just Wayne Bloom and Mike Enos for 2003.

Rhyno and Doug start. Lock up. Armbar by Rhyno. Rhyno snaps the arm, flipping Doug to tne mat. As Doug staggers to his feet, Rhyno hits the ropes and comes back with a shoulder block. Club to the back by Rhyno and he tags in Benoit. Boot to the gut and a forearm to the head by Benoit. Cross corner whip by Benoit. Snap mare by Benoit. Snap suplex by Benoit. 2-count on Doug. Knee to the gut by Doug and he tags in Danny. Danny fakes with a test of strength but throws some knees to Benoit’s gut. A club to the back and stomps by Danny. Reversed whip by Benoit into an armdrag. Chop by Benoit. Whip by Benoit into a running back elbow. Rhyno gets the tag. Club to the back by Rhyno. Punch to the head by Rhyno. Kicks in the corner by Rhyno. Cross corner whip by Rhyno. Battering ram in the corner by Rhyno. Punches by Rhyno. Doug runs across the apron. Back elbow to Doug by Rhyno. High knee and an eye rake by Danny. Stomps in the corner by Danny. Cross corner whip by Danny followed by a clothesline. 2-count on Rhyno. Boot choke by Danny as he tags Doug in. Doug continues the boot choke. Kordairs finally stops the choke. Cross corner whip by Doug and Rhyno hits the turnbuckle hard. 2-count on Rhyno. Knee to the back with stretched arms by Doug. Rhyno powers up and runs Doug into the turnbuckle. A double axe from Doug stops Rhyno from making the tag. Doug drags Rhyno to the Basham corner and tags Danny in. Stomps by Danny. Elbow drop by Danny. 2-count on Rhyno. And another. Bear hug by Danny. Rhyno clubs out but a kick to his back from Doug allows Danny to lock it back in. Kordaris lifts Rhyno’s arm and it drops… once, twice thre—no! Rhyno is still in this! He punches Danny! He punches Doug! He catches a Danny kick attempt and clotheslines him. Doug tags in and tries to stop Rhyno from making a tag. Rhyno kicks him off with both feet and gives Benoit the hot tag. Benoit ducks a Doug clothesline and clotheslines Danny! Drop kick to Doug’s knee by Benoit! Short arm clothesline on Danny! Release German suplex on Doug! Red tail snap suplex to Danny onto Doug! Benoit climbs to the top rope and hits the diving head butt on Doug! Cover by Benoit but Danny breaks it up. Benoit rams Danny into the ring post. Rhyno, from seemingly nowhere, gores Doug! Crippler Crossface on Doug by Benoit for the submission.

WINNERS: Chris “Chris Benoit” Benoit and Reiner “Rhyno” Reinerson (6:56)

-360 VELOCITY
Last year this week…
1. Tajiri kicked Albert in the face and pinned him
2. Christian grabbed both ropes and tights to beat Hurricane
3. Kidman beat Funaki with a Hurricanrana
4. Jamie Noble (w/ Nidia) retained the Cruiserweight Title by using the Trailer Hitch against Chavo Guerrero.

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
One of them there big birthdays is this week for #1 Velocity fill-in guy JIMMY P.S. HAYES! How big? I don’t think he wants me to say, but it has a zero in it…

OUT
The fun doesn’t stop here! This is an unofficial 411 WWE SATURDAY HALF-NIGHT EVENT, so head on over to CONFIDENTIAL for part two!