411’s WWE Velocity Report 07.12.03

DOWN TO LONDON
From Velocity #57: “I’ve seen London wrestle before and he’s damn impressive. Sign this boy!”
From Josh Nason on July 11th: ” It has just been announced that Paul London has signed a deal with World Wrestling Entertainment.”
From my keyboard to God’s ears.

And my thanks to Flea. His IWC Top 100 is up for the Summer Edition and I’ve moved from #85 to #68. I’m even ranked higher than Matt Hardy. Score one for Pattitude! And now no one can ever say “Pattitude” again. Seriously, don’t do it.

VELOCITY #60
Two top cruiserweights go one on one this week, as Nunzio of the FBI tangles with Spanky.
Plus, we’ll look back at the Zach Gowen contract signing and the main event from SmackDown!

Yes, that’s what we’ll do and we’ll do it with the help of Josh Mathews and Ernest “The Cat” Miller, those helpful, helpful bastards.

MATCH #1: SEAN O’HAIRE v. BOBBY RUDE
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris
Here it is, folks, our one squash of the night. After Rick, shouldn’t no one else be allowed to use the name “Rude,” even if it actually is their name? And what happened to O’Haire’s cool character? After teaming him with Piper, he no longer did any “I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know” stuff.

Quick lock-up and O’Haire throws Rude face first to the mat. Slap by O’Haire. They circle and lock up again. Duck under by Rude into a headlock. O’Haire breaks the grip and grabs his own headlock. Headlock take-over by O’Haire. Rude escapes with a head scissors. O’Haire kips out but Rude comes back with a drop toehold. Slaps to the head by Rude. Rude ducks a clothesline. Slap to the face by Rude. Lots of slapping so far in this girly match. Next up, hair-pulling and bra strap snapping. O’Haire claims it was a closed fist. O’Haire misses with a big kick but hits with the reverse of the same kick. Rude is sent thru the ropes to the outside. O’Haire hops out and rams Rude’s back into the ring apron. Kick to the back by O’Haire. Back in the ring Rude comes alive with a flurry of punches. Reversed whip by O’Haire into a shoulder block. Kick to the back by O’Haire. Punch in the corner by O’Haire. Scoop and a running toss by O’Haire. 2-count on O’Haire. Kick to the back by O’Haire. Chin lock by O’Haire for about 25 seconds. Rude works to his feet and elbows out. O’Haire drops him with one good punch to the head. Knees to the chest of Rude and O’Haire tosses him across the ring. Cross corner whip by O’Haire and he lays on the mat, waiting for Rude to recover, as if he were simply watching TV. Rude makes his way to a corner. O’Haire charges. Rude gets a boot up. O’Haire catches it. Back elbow by Rude. O’Haire charges again and hits the turnbuckle. Clothesline by Rude. Baseball slide by Rude, under O’Haire’s legs and into a hurricanrana. DDT by Rude for a 2-count. Punches by Rude. Low kick to the ribs by O’Haire and he hits the Widowmaker for the pin.

WINNER: O’Haire (5:04)

RECAP of the never-ending Zach Gowan saga. Is there no one else on the SmackDown roster? It sure doesn’t seem like it. Oh good, both McMahons are wrestling at Vengeance. Suddnly I long for another RAW Brand PPV…

Backstage the FBI are playing cards. Nunzio has to get ready for his match but a Groucho glasses-wearing delivery guy drops off free pizzas for Stomboli and Palumbo. As the delivery guy walks off, he removes his glasses and is Spanky. And he pulls out a bottle of laxative that he put in the pizzas. Guess he’s trying to make sure his match with Nunzio is actually a singles match.

Look at that, my close, personal friend Gail Kim is on Confidential. Treat her right, Dal!

Extreme Blast of the Night: Benoit putting the Crippler Crossface on Shannon Moore, even after Matt Hardy Version 1.0 hit the Twist of Fate on Benoit.

MATCH #2: KANYON v. ORLANDO JORDAN
Referee: Mike Chioda

They circle. A “Kanyon sucks” chant breaks out. Boot to the gut by Kanyon, followed by a punch and an armbar. Jordan reverses it and scores a fireman’s takeover, still holding the arm. Figure four on the arm into a cradle by Jordan and he gets a 2-count. Knees by Kanyon and a head lock. Jordan sends him to the ropes. Shoulder block by Kanyon. Kanyon to the ropes. Leap frog by Jordan followed by an armdrag takedown. And another. Jordan goes right back to the armbar. Kanyon works up and backs Jordan to a corner. Battering ram by Kanyon. Cross corner whip by Kanyon. Jordan hops out and over the charging Kanyon. Back handspring by Jordan into another armdrag/armbar combo. Kanyon kicks his way to the ropes to break the hold. Kanyon ducks between the ropes to avoid any offense from Jordan. Boot to the gut and a whip to the corner by Kanyon and he charges. Jordan gets an elbow up. Jordan climbs to the second rope and Kanyon follows him. Side Russian leg sweep from the second rope by Kanyon. 2-count on Jordan. Head to the turnbuckle by Kanyon. Punches by Kanyon. Cross corner whip by Kanyon and he charges. Jordan gets a foot up. Repeat sequence. Jordan. Back body drop bridge cover by Kanyon for a 2-count. Kanyon drags Jordan to the corner and hits a standing leg drop from the second rope. 2-count on Jordan. Side headlock by Kanyon. Jordan punches his way out and sends Kanyon to the ropes. Kanyon returns with a swinging neck-breaker. 2-count on Jordan. Cat says Kanyon pulled Jordan’s hair. Kanyon goes for the second rope leg drop again but Jordan counters it with a running power bomb. Both men are down and Chioda starts the count. He gets to “eight” and both men get back up. Punches by Jordan. Reversed whip by Kanyon. Jordan ducks a clothesline. Diving forearm by Jordan. Drop kick by Jordan. And another. And another. More punches by Jordan and a cover, for a 2-count. Duck under whip by Kanyon into a side Russian leg sweep. Kanyon sets up the Flatliner but Jordan counters with an inverted neck-breaker for the pin. Too long of a match with a too-random ending.

WINNER: Jordan (7:11)

MATCH #3: FUNAKI v. A-TRAIN
Referee: Mike Sparks
Josh says their match score is about 800 – 800, so this is the rubber match. In my two years of doing this, this is the match-up I’ve called the most. Albert starts throwing chairs around and he chases Josh around the ring, all while The Cat yells, “Get him, Josh!” Easily the funniest thing on Velocity in quite a while. “Josh, get back out there and fight, right now.” And I was wrong about the first match tonight. That wasn’t the squash; this is.

The “Shave your back” chants start immediately. A-Train lunges but Funaki ducks and slaps his back. Funaki rolls under a big kick and bows to A-Train. A-Train lunges and Funaki takes off. A-Train chases him out of and around the ring, just as if he were Josh. Funaki rolls back in the ring and dropkicks A-Train as he tries the same. Plancha by Funaki. Punches, kicks and knees by Funaki on the outside and he rolls back in. A-Train is back in. Funaki ducks 2 clotheslines but gets nailed with a shoulder block. Power slam by A-Train. Slaps by A-Train as he pulls Funaki to his feet. A-Train goes for a power bomb. Funaki punches his way out and escapes down A-Train’s back. Funaki tries a sunset flip but A-Train is too heavy. A-Train tries to punch Funaki but misses. Drop kick to the leg by Funaki followed by a bulldog. Sit-down drop kick by Funaki and a cover for a 2-count. Funaki goes for a second rope springboard but A-Train catches him and hit the Train Wreck for the pin.

WINNER: A-Train (2:22)

After the match, A-Train approaches Josh and glares menacingly at him.

RECAP of Brock v. Show, Benjamin and Haas.

MATCH #4: NUNZIO v. SPANKY
Referee: Brian Hebner

They circle. Spanky grabs a waist lock. Nunzio reverses. Headlock by Nunzio. Spanky sends him to the ropes. Shoulder block by Nunzio. Nunzio hits the ropes and tries to hop over Spanky. Spanky grabs a leg and trips Nunzio. Headlock by Spanky. Spanky climbs up the ropes and hits a snap mare take over. Nunzio gets out using a head scissors. They both get to their feet and face off. Nunzio calls for a test of strength. Spanky accepts. They struggle briefly until Nunzio slaps Spanky. Stomps in the corner by Nunzio. Cross corner whip by Nunzio. Spanky hops out and over the charging Nunzio. Slap by Spanky. Forearms by Spanky. Reversed whip by Nunzio. Head scissors take over by Spanky on the charging Nunzio. Spanky ducks a clothesline and hits a heel kick for a 2-count. Forearms and a cross corner whip by Spanky. He charges. Back body by Nunzio but Spanky lands on the apron. Spanky climbs to the top rope but Nunzio grabs a foot and shakes him off. 2-count on Spanky. Stomp by Nunzio. Rear chin lock by Nunzio. Spanky works up to his feet and elbows out. Reverse whip to the corner by Nunzio. Nunzio charges but Spanky gets a boot up. Running forearm to the head by Spanky. Wind-up clothesline by Spanky. Spanky charges. Drop toe to the turnbuckle by Nunzio. Stiff second rope drop kick to the face by Nunzio. Damn that looked like it hurt. 2-count on Spanky. Nunzio pounds Spanky’s head into the mat. Duck under whip by Spanky. Nunzio ducks a clothesline and tries for a suplex. Spanky lands on his feet and tries his won suplex. Nunzio lands on hiss feet and pulls Spanky down by the hair. Nunzio covers but Hebner won’t count because of the hair pull. Way to officiate Beat-Box Brian! Cat says Brian should mind his own business. Stomp by Nunzio. Chin lock by Nunzio, into a side headlock. Spanky rams Nunzio into the corner, back first. Forearms by Spanky. Reverse whip by Nunzio and he tosses Spanky over the ropes. Spanky skins the cat back in and ducks a clothesline. Punches by Spanky. Reversed whip by Nunzio. Diving forearm by Spanky. 2-count on Nunzio. Reversed cross corner whip by Nunzio. Spanky runs up the ropes and hits a springboard moonsault for a 2-count. Climb-up enziguri by Spanky for another 2-count. Spanky sets-tp Slided Bread #2 but Nunzio counters with the Arrivederci for the pin. Great, great match.

WINNER: Nunzio (5:54)

-360 VELOCITY
Last year this week…
1. Billy Kidman beat Chavo Guerrero with a hurricanrana
2. Tajiri beat Shannon Moore with the Buzzsaw kick
3. Randy Orton evolved into a with over Albert via a roll-up
4. Val Venis won over Test via disqualification
Also this week Kevin Nash tore is quad and The Rock returned to SmackDown.

JAKKED JUKEBOX
Last year at this time I was listening to:
GEOFF TATE Geoff Tate
This year it’s:
ANGRA Holy Land

OUT (OF TOWN)
Next Week: The law (clerk) comes to Velocity…