411’s WWE Velocity Report: 10.29.05

Let’s start with the rankings:

1 Holly 4
2 Dean 3
2 Kennedy 3
2 Vito 3
2 Super Crazy 3
6 Nunzio 2
6 Basham 2
6 Kendrick 2
6 Psychosis 2
6 Juventud 2

Holly’s still in first, but his total dips as only the last ten weeks are covered. I’m also stunned that Simon Dean is in second place for anything.

Paul London versus Kid Kash

Kash gets a kick to start, then a few knees to London’s gut. He whips London, then goes for a hiptoss, but London gets the better of it. He reverses a backdrop, then gets another hiptoss, two armdrags, and a dropkick for two. London grabs a headlock as the announcers tell us to check out WWE.com. OBVIOUSLY I DID! Sheesh. Kash gets out with a backbreaker, then puts on a VELOCITY LOCK! London gets to his knees and hits some punches, but Kash floors him with a clothesline for two. Kash applies a bow and arrow lock, but London kicks his way out of it. Kash lifts London up for a back suplex, then pancakes him down before applying a Mexican Surfboard. London hits some gut punches, then catches a running Kash with a spinning heel kick. London gets the Hot Shot, then a running forearm. He kicks Kash in the back, then hits the dropsault for two. Kash floats over a suplex, then gets a reverse DDT for two. Kash hits a nasty chop in the corner, then sets London on top for the Muscle Buster. London goes to the apron, kicks Kash, then gets a very near fall with a springboard Oklahoma Roll. London gets whipped to the corner, elbows Kash, then gets the Toe Tap. Kash kicks London and goes up top, but London follows. He goes for a Frankensteiner, but Kash pushes him off and London takes a nasty fall. Kash comes off the top with a springing Moonsault for the win. Josh Mathews delivers the obligatory “Kash is money” line.

Winner: Kid Kash
Match Time: 6:18
Rating: ***1/4
Commentary: Really good stuff here, with back and forth action and believable near-finishes (I actually went for my stopwatch on the Oklahoma Roll, so there). Let’s now hope that the Cruiserweight Division gets as much airtime as the juniors.

Lashley versus Jason Partain

The on-screen graphic spells his name “LASHELY.” That’s wrong. Partain wants a test of strength, but Lashley gets a fireman’s carry takeover. Partain grabs a headlock, but Lashley lifts him up, then trips him over. Lockup, and Partain gets another headlock. Lashley pushes him off and gets a shoulder, then kicks him out to the floor. Lashley goes out and press slams Partain back into the ring. Lashley catches a kick, then gets a big clothesline. Overhead Belly to Belly by Lashley, and either the noise is sweetened or the crowd likes it. Dominator finishes for Lashley. Post-match, Vito and Nunzio ambush Bobby Lashley, but he takes out both guys.

Winner: Bobby Lashley
Match Time: 2:17
Rating: *3/4
Commentary: Just a simply squash, but great booking. Partain got no offense, and that’s the best thing they could’ve done. Study the old Goldberg tapes if you need to, fellas. Book the right guy that way, and it’ll work.

Sylvan versus Funaki

Sylvan takes the microphone and brags about being a supermodel. He’s gonna give the crowd thirty seconds to take his picture after he wins, but no selling. Hey, just like his matches with Hardcore Holly (rimshot). Funaki slides in, and Sylvan goes to work with stomps and elbow drops. Sylvan gets a double gutbuster, then punches Funaki in the head. He kicks at Funaki in the corner, then whips him across the ring. Sylvan repeats twice more, wearing down Funaki’s back. He follows up with a back suplex into a slam. Sylvan then points to a women in the front row who seems smitten. He then kicks Funaki. Back suplex into a backbreaker by Sylvan, who follows up with a bearhug. I love wrestling. I really fucking love it. I’m totally passionate about it. I would love nothing more than to be involved in the industry in some way at some point. But even I can’t stand bearhugs. He rams Funaki to the corner, then grabs another bearhug. Funaki elbows out and reverses a back suplex into a floatover. Funaki gets an enziguri, then fires off some punches. He dodges a Sylvan corner charge, then gets a bulldog. Funaki goes up top, then gets a high crossbody. He slams Sylvan’s head against the buckle, then goes up top, nails a punch, and goes for the Tornado DDT. Sylvan pushes him off and nails a Falling Spinebuster, then gets a Gourdbuster for the win. Alas, we don’t get to see the photo op.

Winner: Sylvan
Match Time: 5:23
Rating: **3/4
Commentary: Not bad, really. Way better than the Holly series. Also, it should be noted that the Tolands, according to Josh Mathews, are now known as Chad and James Dick. Unless I misheard. Which I kinda hope I did, and I kinda hope I didn’t.

On Smackdown, Roddy Piper, Eddie Guerrero and Batista beat Randy Orton, Bob Orton, and Ken Kennedy when Piper made Bob Orton pass out to the sleeper. Orton won on points, though, because he had the good sense to wear a shirt.

We see backstage footage of Jillian getting a leather strap/pouch/mask thing tied over her mole. Have a nice day!

Jillian Hall versus Stacy Keibler

Let it be known that I am completely infatuated with Jillian Hall. I only hope that we get a decent romantic storyline that turns her face. I mean, it makes perfect sense, but what does that really count for? Trash talk to start, and Jillian punches Stacy in the stomach. She then slams her to the turnbuckle, kicks her, and gets a snapmare. Jillian stomps on Stacy’s stomach, then reverses a hiptoss into a monkey flip, but Stacy cartwheels up and gets a spin kick. Stacy chokes Jillian in the corner with her boot. Jillian gets whipped and comes back with a sunset flip, and we get a pinfall reversal sequence. Jillian gets a clothesline for two, then slams Stacy to the mat face-first twice. Jillian handsprings into an elbow drop for two, then pulls Stacy against the middle rope, first with her hands, then with her leg. Jillian covers for two, then hooks a modified VELOCITY LOCK! Stacy flips Jillian over, then flings her out of the ring. Jillian re-enters, but Stacy gets another spin kick. Stacy gets some corner punches, but Jillian pushes her down and covers with her feet on the ropes for the win.

Winner: Jillian Hall
Match Time: 3:41
Rating: **1/2
Commentary: Sue me, it wasn’t half bad. Jillian, in particular, showed a lot of good stuff, and if she ends up on Raw, she’ll make a fine addition to the women’s division.

A good show this week, hot on the heels of a decent Smackdown. At least one brand is doing it right.