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So there’s still confusion with the Hogan/Vince Heads, so to help clear things up, here’s how I use them as a rankings system.

1 Head = Bad
2 Heads = Average
3 Heads = Good
4 Heads = Great
5 Heads = Best. Match. EVAR!!!

Yeah, they’re kind of similar to star ratings, but kind of different too. Like say if there’s a squash match, I’d probably give it 2 Heads instead of 1 whether or not it accomplishes its goal of putting a wrestler over. So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get started with the 900th Motha F’N Edition of Monday Night Raw…

I probably should be at this show too since it’s in my homestate, but I felt obligated to continue reporting to all of you. So lets get to it.

-And we kick things off with a video package highlighting Raw through the years. It’s a feat so monumental it’s never been done before. Stone Cold’s beer bath. Jericho’s debut. Show throwing Mayweather. The Game’s return in 2002. 900 episodes. It’s record breaking dammit. We then cut to the normal Raw opening video package (for those of you wondering, there’s no new WWE symbol or anything). Coleslaw and Lawler welcome us in, hyping up the evening. Tonight we’ll see Cena, Sheamus, Jericho, Edge and Orton face The Nexus in an elimination tag team match.

-And we’re kicking things off with an appearance from Bret Hart. Hart says hello to Boston. 17 years ago a new show debuted called Monday Night Raw. He confesses that even back then he wondered if Raw would catch on, but thanks to the fans, 900 episodes later it looks to be doing pretty damn good. In fact, Raw has the most shows in the history of prime time television. Since the very beginning. There was only one other wrestler whose still here who was there back then. And that’s the Undertaker. So he thought it might be appropriate… and here comes Kane.

Kane says there is no Undertaker anymore. Thanks to him physically decimating him and leaving him to rot in a vegetative state, Undertaker is a phenom no longer. He’s not phenomenal in any way. He’s just a man. A man that Bret once knew. He’s like Bret. Weak, feeble, straggly, over the hill, irreversibly damaged. His brother ended the career of Shawn Michaels. Bret must have loved that. A man Bret seemingly made amends with but really demised seen laid to rest. Bret says he’s going to love it when Undertaker gets his hands on Kane and beats him like he always does. Kane says the only thing he’s only ever wanted was to break out of Taker’s shadow and to prove he’s the best. The Undertaker took out an icon in Shawn Michaels, that means Kane needs to do the same. He needs to take out an icon of his own. He needs to take out you. Kane goozles Bret. And here comes the Hart Dynasty, but Kane attacks them first. Bret starts fighting back but to no avail. Lights out bitch. They’re back on, and Taker’s in the ring. He and Kane stare down. Kane starts laughing and bails out. Kane says not yet. Coleslaw’s got an email. Cole says he’s seen this iconic moments taking place. The GM has decided to make Bret Hart vs the Undertaker. What? The crowd really doesn’t know what to think of that. Taker stares at Bret as Bret leaves the ring. Lawler says this is going to be awesome.

-We’re shown highlights from the first episode of Raw.

-Did you know that Raw has aired more episodes than Survivor, Amazing Race and American Idol COMBINED? Also, does anyone care?

-We’re shown highlights of Austin driving the Zamboni into the arena and taking out Mr. McMahon.

Match 1: Michael McGillicutty and Kofi Kingston vs Kaval and Daniel Bryan vs Alex Riley and WWE United States Champion/Mr. Money in the Bank The Miz – Triple Threat Tag Team match

Riley and Kofi and Bryan start off. Riley takes out Bryan. Kick by Kofi to Bryan. Bryan with a kick to Kofi and he slaps Miz. Bryan with forearm shots to Riley. And now kicks in the corner. SOS to Bryan by Kofi. Pin but Riley breaks it up. Sitout scoop slam to Kofi. Pin but only two. Knee lift by Bryan to Riley. Kofi gets back in control. Boom Drop to Riley. Pin but Bryan breaks it up. Kofi ducks a clothesline and both guys crossbody each other. Kaval and Michael get the tags. Michael in control. Dragon Sleeper out of a head scissors by Kaval. Riley breaks it up. Miz gets the blind tag. Kaval with a huge dropkick to Riley. Michael rolls up Kaval but only gets two. Kaval with a rolling Liger kick. He heads up to the top. Warriors Way connects. Miz runs in and hits Kaval with the Skull Crushing Finale. Forget about it.

Winners: The Miz and Alex Riley (Short but pretty entertaining. Still, the team of Bryan and Kaval was pretty random, but I’m not gonna complain. Still, this was a nice way to get the NXT guys some air time, but it could have used some more time)

Bryan takes out Riley with a kick to the head. Miz runs in and clocks Bryan with the briefcase. Miz and Riley celebrate their win as they walk off.

-Later tonight, Bret Hart and the Undertaker will face off. Also, the 5 on 5 Tag Team Elimination match is still yet to come.

-WWE Slam of the Week, presented by Mafia 2, is Melina defeating Jillian Hall last week, only for LayCool to announce their appearance on Raw next week (which would be now).

Match 2: Co-Women’s Champions Team LayCool vs Eve Torres and Diva’s Champion Melina

Michelle and Melina start off. Forearm shots by Melina. Michelle with a belly to belly. Pin but only two. Layla gets the tag and slams Melina’s face into the mat. Layla now taunting Melina. Melina pushes Layla into Michelle. Roll up and it’s over?

Winners: Melina and Eve (Uh… whatever)

Michelle and Layla grab mics. Michelle says the victory was a lot like her. Completely forgetable. Layla says Melina’s gonna cry. They need to find out who the real champ is in the WWE. So, they’re challenging Melina to a unification match at Night of Champions. One of them will face Melina. And when they win, they unify the titles. Yay. Melina says she had a feeling they were going to propose something like that, and she came prepared. She accepts, but it’ll be a lumberjack match. LayCool agrees, and no one cares. All the Diva’s show up on the stage.

-We get highlights of the epic NXT rookie attack on Cena.

-The Nexus is in the back. Tarver says because they kicked out Young and Sheffield is injured, they’re low in numbers. Barrett says they’re going to be 5 of the biggest superstars in WWE history. They need to do something tonight unforgettable. And Barrett knows exactly what that is.

-WWE.com is looking back at the 900 episodes of Raw, if you actually care.

-We’re shown highlights from the Price is Raw.

-Matthews is in the back with Jericho. Jericho asks if when he says he’s the best in the world, do you think he says it as a gimmick. He says it because it’s true. But people don’t believe that to be the case. Chris had an epiphany. He knows he’s the greatest, and if he doesn’t win the WWE Championship at Night of Champions, that’s it. That’s the last we’ll see of him in the WWE. Do you think he’s joking? Do you wanna see how much confidence he has? He’s going to prove tonight that he’s the best in the world at what he does.

Match 3: John Morrison and R-Truth vs “Dashing” Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre – Number One Contenders match to WWE Tag Team Championship

Rhodes’ jacket has a mirror on the back of it. Tremendous. Coleslaw says this match will be a slobber knocker. Truth and Rhodes start things off. Rhodes with a kick to the gut, runs off the ropes but gets hit with a hip toss. Rhodes knocks Morrison off the apron, and Truth goes on the attack. All four guys are in the ring now and it’s madness. The ref rings the bell and this just won’t stop.

Winner: No Contest (This was pretty random and overall served no purpose)

Truth dives over the top and takes out Rhodes. Big boot by McIntyre to Morrison. Morrison slides out of a powerslam attempt and dropkicks McIntyre in the back. Truth and Morrison walk off with Truth’s music playing

-Bret Hart will face Undertaker next.

-Did You Know, Jersey Shore will reach it’s 900th episode in 2083, and Snooki will be 83 years (or was it 93? I don’t feel like looking it up) old at that time. I’m actually more curious as to who in the fuck thought that was interesting.

-We’re shown highlights of the January 4th episode of Raw, where Shawn and Bret made amends.

Match 4: Bret Hart vs Undertaker

Both guys get ready to go, but here comes Wade Barrett. He says this match is not going to happen. People don’t want to talk about two legends, they want to talk about the future, and the future is Nexus. He said he was going to do something unforgettable. And he’s going to do that by taking out Taker. He runs in and attacks Taker. Big mistake. Big boot by Taker. Taker clotheslines him over the top. Lights out. They come back on and Kane is in the ring. Both guys trade rights now. Kane with the upper hand. Goozle by Taker, and the lights have gone back out. They’re back on, and Kane is gone. And here comes the Nexus. They surround the ring. Taker goes after Tarver and the rest of them. Taker’s in control. He goozles Barrett, but the lights have gone back out again. They turn back on, and Barrett has Taker on his shoulders. Wasteland by Barrett. Kane stands on the ramp watching on. They position Taker in the corner. Gabriel to the top. 450! Taker tries to sit up, but can’t. Kane laughs at the top of the ramp as we head to commercial.

-We get a recap of the events that just occurred.

-And here comes Jack Swagger. All hail a returning, conquering, all American hero. When he left Raw, he was an all American American. Now he returns a former world champion. He can understand why Johnny Damon wouldn’t want to come back to Boston, but he has no problem being a little swagger back to Raw. And here comes Evan Bourne.

Match 4: Jack Swagger vs Evan Bourne

Kick by Swagger, and he goes on the attack with clubbing blows. Swagger throws Bourne into the turnbuckle. Kick to the leg by Bourne, and some more. But here comes Albert Del Rio. In the limo. He’s beeping the horn like crazy. His announcer introduces him. The match is still going on though. Old school Randy Orton like pyro goes off on the stage. Swagger shoulder blocking Bourne in the corner. Bourne goes for the running powerslam, but Bourne slides out the back. Spin kick by Bourne. He heads up to the top. AIR BOURNE MISSES! Swagger chop blocks the leg. Ankle Lock applied. Bourne has no choice but to tap.

Winner: Jack Swagger (Really unncessary, but it did give Swagger a win while getting Rio some on screen air time on Raw, so it did accomplish some stuff. Still, there was literally nothing to the match other than the angle)

Alberto Del Rio introduces himself. He says next to me, the little kiwaya Rey Mysterio isn’t going to be here tonight. In fact, the only place you can see Rey is in the hospital. What he did to Rey last weekk as phenomenal. Incredible. He’s going to be honest though, he’s not completely happy. The audience from Raw didn’t see it though. So this is what he’s going to do. He’s going to recreate that magic moment, just for us. Right here, right now, but with a different kiwaya. He grabs a chair and runs into the ring. He puts Bourne in the juji gatame. Bourne starts tapping like a mad man. Rio releases the hold and kicks Bourne in the back. He brings the chair to the outside with Bourne. He locks Bourne’s arm in the chair, and here comes Mark Henry to the rescue. Rio goes to hit Henry with the chair, but Henry runs right through it. Rio runs back up the ramp.

-Coleslaw and Lawler talk about their recent tour of China. We get a video package highlighting the events.

-THIS IS YOUR LIFE!! Best segment ever.

-And we’re going to continue that awesomeness with CM Punk and the Straight Edge Society. It’s really not the same without Serena though. Punk asks if we know who he’s better than. The Rock. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke and he doesn’t make crappy movies like The Tooth Fairy. Do you people like The Rock? Do you people miss The Rock on Monday Night Raw? CM Punk doesn’t miss the Rock. It’s because The Rock epitomizes this septic tank of a show that is Monday Night Raw. 900 shows is a milestone, but for 900 shows Raw has promoted poor family values. He’s got two words for us. Katie Vick. YES! And if you don’t get it, that’s fine, but youtube it and it will drive yout to drink and then see CM Punk and he’ll save us. Punk here to show us some of the most atrocious acts by Raw superstars. Exhibit A: Property damage. We see Triple H invading Orton’s home and beating the shit out of him. People acting like animals. Exhibit B: Irresponisble and Reckless Behavior. We see Cena throwing Edge into the Long Island Sound. Punk for one would never throw another competitor into any body of water (coughChavo Guerrero). Exhibit C: Trespassing. DX invading WCW. And last but not least, Exhibit D: Dumb, excessive use of alcohol via fire hose. Yeah, I think you all know what this one is. Punk can’t find the words to describe that. He says we would all lie and empty our pockets to see Stone Cold walk down the ramp and spray CM Punk with beer via a fire hose. That’s the kind of GLASS SHATTERS MOTHERFUCKER!

But there’s no one there. Punk starts laughing on the ground. Did you fall for it? Are you dissapointed? Do you feel empty inside? Well good, because that’s how dissapointed Punk feels when he sees each and every one of us. He’s happy we’re dissapointed. And he’s going to show us one more clip and leave on a high note. This clip is from a good show, Smackdown. It’s a clip of Lesnar superplexing Big Show through the ring. Punk says he can watch that clip over and over, because it represents everything he could never be. It represents being criminally obese, he doesn’t know who the other guy was, but Big Show was so big… And here comes Show.

Punk says we get Austin’s music and no Austin but get Big Show’s music and instead get Captain Insano. Show said he lost some weight and then found it. If Show wants to embarass him, talk about something really embarasing, like Eddie Guerrero giving him that burrito that left him constipated for five days. Or the time he did the sum wrestling thing. If you really want to bring up something embarassing, video of him kissing Vickie Guerrero. Show loves to make people laugh, he does impersonations. Let Me Tell You Something Brother, They’re Running Wild Brother, StraightEdge Society DUDE!! Punk says that was boring, that was not funny and no one likes you. Ha. Show raises his hand. He says that was mean. Punk says you want mean? There is nothing high about the Straight Edge Society, and that’s what makes them better than you. Show says he’s not high but just tall. Show takes out Punk and Gallows. Punk and Matthews bail out. Show clotheslines Gallows over the top as the SES backs off. For as terrible as this Raw’s been, CM Punk just single handedly, with a little help from Big Show, saved it.

Words to live by.

-If I see one more “Did You Know” fact, I’m gonna go crazy. STOP TELLING US IT’S THE 900TH EPISODE. WE GET IT.

-We’re shown highlights of Triple H’s return in 2002, only to be interrupted by Kurt Angle.

-Josh Matthews welcomes the WWE Champion, Sheamus. And here he comes. Sheamus interrupts Matthews. He says after 900 episodes of Raw, everyone is here to celebrate, except Triple H. He’s never coming back. How is it fair that he has to defend his title in a Six Pack at Night of Champions. We’re all just a bunch of plastic pladdies. The only real Irishman here is Sheamus. And in spite of the Six Pack Challenge, he has to tag with four of his PPV opponents. One of which is Randy Orton, a man who tried to end his career. Never in the history of Raw a champion has never been treated more poorly (coughRey Mysterio). Here comes Edge. He says Sheamus was giving him a headache fella. Since Edge debuted on Raw, he’s been thrown in the long island sound, deranged ex employees run at him through the crowd, been thrown through tables and everything, but he’s given back three times as many. He’s won 29 championships in the WWE. He’s won the Royal Rumble, KOTR, and MITB. He’s going to win the Six Pack Challenge. He’s going to become the new WWE Champion. Edge heads down to the ring. Their match will start next.

Match 5: WWE Champion Sheamus, Edge, Chris Jericho, Randy Orton and John Cena vs The Nexus (Wade Barrett, David Otunga, Justin Gabriel, Michael Tarver and Heath Slater) – 5 on 5 Elimination Tag Team match

Jericho and Tarver start things off. Loud “Y2J” chant. Jericho bails out and walks to the back. The ref starts the count, and Jericho starts to second guess that decision. He goes to run back, but decides to leave anyways.

Eliminated: Chris Jericho via countout

Edge is now in. He shoves the ref and gets DQ’d.

Eliminated: Edge via disqualification

Cena’s now in. Cena throws Tarver into the corner. Bulldog connects. Big right hands by Cena, and Sheamus gets the tag. Sheamus working down Tarver in the corner. Big short arm clothesline connects. Pin but only two. Slater gets the tag but runs into a clothesline. Suplex by Sheamus. Pin but only two. Sheamus with knee lifts in the corner. Sheamus brings Slater to the outside and hits him with a elbow to the throat. Back in the ring but only gets two on the pin. Otunga gets the tag. Headlock by Otunga. Sheamus pushes him off and no one gets pushes over on the shoulder block. Otunga poses but gets clotheslined. Big kick by Otunga but he gets drilled with an Irish Hammer. Otunga whips Sheamus hard into the corner. Mounted punches by Otunga. Slater gets the tag and starts stomping Sheamus. Gabriel gets the tag. Right hands by Gabriel, and here comes Barrett. Barrett works down Sheamus and tags in Slater. Bow and arrow submission applied by Slater. Sheamus fights back up but Sltaer goes for a backslide. Sheamus flips him over and goes for the High Cross, but Tarver pulls Slater down. Running forearm smash by Slater. Sheamus starts fighting back, but Gabriel drills him with a kick on the apron. Zig Zag by Slater.

Eliminated: Sheamus by Heath Slater

Cena’s in and immediately rushes in for the 5 moves of doom on Slater. You Can’t See Me. Five Knuckle Shuffle connects. Attitude Adjustment follows. Pin and he’s out.

Eliminated: Heath Slater by John Cena

Barrett runs in and takes it to Cena. He throws Cena outside, and Nexus goes on the attack. Barrett takes Cena and throws him into the announce table. Back in the ring now as Barrett covers but only gets two. Gabriel gets the tag and hits Cena with a huge spin kick. Pin but only two. Gabriel with a splash in the corner. Pin but again only two. Otunga now in and goes on the attack. Suplex attempt countered into a suplex by Cena. Otunga takes out Orton before he can get the tag. Cena with a drop toe hold and locks in the STF. Otunga taps.

Eliminated: David Otunga by John Cena

Gabriel goes to the top and immediately hits Cena with a 450. He’s out!

Eliminated: John Cena by Justin Gabriel

RKO to Gabriel!

Eliminated: Justin Gabriel by Randy Orton

RKO to Tarver!

Eliminated: Michael Tarver by Randy Orton

Wasteland by Barrett. It’s over.

Eliminated: Randy Orton by Wade Barrett

Winners: The Nexus (Solid main event and a much needed win for Nexus. It wasn’t anything epic, but it did a good job of putting over some members of the Nexus, such as Gabriel pinning Cena and Slater pinning Sheamus)

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