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So there’s still confusion with the Hogan/Vince Heads, so to help clear things up, here’s how I use them as a rankings system.
1 Head = Bad
2 Heads = Average
3 Heads = Good
4 Heads = Great
5 Heads = Best. Match. EVAR!!!
Yeah, they’re kind of similar to star ratings, but kind of different too. Like say if there’s a squash match, I’d probably give it 2 Heads instead of 1 whether or not it accomplishes its goal of putting a wrestler over. So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get started with Raw…
-And we kick things off at the site of the roulette, with Cena and Orton standing in front of it. Josh Matthews welcomes us in. We’re gonna find out what match they’re going to face in. Cena tells Matthews to take his hands off the wheel. He brings out Eve to spin it. And they’re going to face off in a…
TABLES MATCH!
Oh joy. Orton walks off. Matthews reminds us that Cena lost his title in a tables match. Cena thanks him and says he’s trying to move on. It’s a new season of Raw. Are you going to choose Team Orton or Team Cena? Cena spins the wheel as he walks off, cuz he’s feeling lucky.
-Great, Nickelback. Great way to kick off the season premier (whatever that means).
-No pyro tonight, Cole welcomes us in and we get a sight of the steel cage standing high above the ring. Tonight’s guest star is apparently Chad Ochocinco. I had no idea we were having a guest star tonight.
-Chad makes his way out to the ring to the generic WWE football music. He says hey. Welcome to the season premier of Monday Night Raw (where’s the enthusiasm man). There’s never been a guest star as handsome as himself (his words, not mine). Tonight is going to be exciting and unforgettable. Raw Roulette is back, and AWESOME.
And here comes The Miz. Welcome to Monday Night Raw Chad Ochocinco. Raw is Miz’s show. It’s nice to have a guest star Miz can relate to. They both say what they want because they can. Miz is Mr. Money in the Bank and the United States Champion. Actually, he just realized they have nothing alike, because Miz is a champion. And he will defend his title at Night of Champions while Chad will never experience a championship because he plays for Cincinnati. Chad says he’s got two words for Miz. Child please. Obviously Miz hasn’t been to Cincinnati in a while, because the Bengal’s won the championship last year. Not just Chad, but he’s got the rest of his team with him to win a Superbowl Championship this year. Really? Chad and his team are overrated, because he’s the Miz, and he’s AWESOME!! But apparently Coleslaw has an email. And he quotes. Enough talk, it’s time to determine the Miz’s match tonight. Please spin the wheel. Alicia spins it, and it’s a…
SUBMISSION MATCH!
Chad states the obvious, and Cole’s got another email. The wheel determined what kind of non title match Miz would have tonight, but the GM is placing Miz’s opponent in Chad’s hands. Chad says it’s simple. You wanna know what 85 represents? The number of ways this next opponent can tap Miz out. What better way to start a submission match other than with his boy, Daniel Bryan.
Match 1: United States Champion and Mr. Money in the Bank The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs Daniel Bryan – Submission match
We’re back, and Bryan starts kicking Miz in the corner. Miz avoids a dropkick in the corner. Chop block by Miz. Miz slams Bryan into the ropes. He then wraps the leg around the middle rope and starts kicking it. Figure Four applied by Miz. Bryan counters out pretty fast, and Miz lets go. LeBell Lock by Bryan, and Miz gets to the ropes. Miz bails out of the ring. Riley checks up on him, but Miz shoves him away. Miz is taking his good damn time on the outside. He grabs a mic. He says to insure that he can defend his title on Sunday, he’s pulling out of the match. Miz says he didn’t forfeit and that he’s hurt. Bryan can compete against his substitute. Alex Riley.
Match 2: Alex Riley vs Daniel Bryan – Submission match
Riley goes straight on the atttack. Stretch Muffler by Riley, but Bryan counters into the LeBell Lock. Riley taps!
Winner: Daniel Bryan (The match, or matches, may have been nothing, but this was a good way to continue the feud between these two)
Miz rushes into the ring and starts wailing on Bryan. Miz with a boot to Bryan’s head. He picks up the belt and shoves Bryan’s face into it, saying he’ll never have it. Skull Crushing Finale countered into the LeBell Lock!!! Riley for some reason isn’t doing anything. Miz starts tapping out, and Bryan won’t let go. Bryan finally lets go and Miz leaves back up the ramp with Riley.
-Jillian is in the back and spins the wheel. She starts singing, and Edge starts singing too. God this is weird. Apparently we’ll find out what the wheel lands on next.
Match 3: Edge vs Evan Bourne – Body Slam Challenge
Apparently we still don’t know what type of match Edge is in. And I guess the match at NOC is a 5 Pack Challenge, as stated by Coleslaw. The ref informs Justin Roberts that it’s going to be a body slam challenge. Bourne looks happy for some reason. Tie up to start, and Edge goes for the slam, but Bourne slides out and starts kicking the leg of Edge. Bourne floats over but gets caught. Bourne holds onto the ropes and slides out. Jumping gamengiri. Sahweet. Bourne goes for a slam, but Edge counters into the Edgomatic. Edge slams Bourne for the win.
Winner: Edge (Too short and stupid to make me care. They played the stip nicely, but there’s not much you can do with a body slam challenge)
Edge sizes Bourne up. Spear! Edge poses to the crowd, and Coleslaw’s got another email. Congratulations Edge. However since Edge blatantly took advantage of his opponent after the match, he’s going to have another body slam challenge against this man. And here comes Mark Henry.
Match 4: Edge vs Mark Henry – Body Slam Challenge
Edge avoids Henry in the corner and starts throwing rights. Henry shoves him off and misses a splash in the corner. Edge goes for a slam, but Henry falls on him. World’s Strongest Slam by Henry to end it.
Winner: Mark Henry (Not much to say. It continues the story of Edge vs the GM, but the match was too short to be anything better)
Henry checks up on Bourne post match.
-We’re back, and Maryse is taking off he coat. Apparently Dibiase and Maryse are going to have a song and dance match against R-Truth and Eve.
Match 5: Maryse and Million Dollar Champion Ted Dibiase vs R-Truth and Eve – Song and Dance match (Yes, I did feel ridiculous writing that)
Each team will pick one member to sing while the other dances. Truth says no. Not that song, they’ve heard that. Truth sings a new rap song while Eve dances. God this is ridiculous. I think Truth’s saying “Right time for me to get crunk”. I could be wrong though. Cole says it’s junk. Dibiase says this is stupid. My sentiments exactly. This is Raw, not America’s got talent. He didn’t understand what Truth said. They don’t want to hear him rap. Dibiase says he should just forfeit. But he’s not. Because Maryse knows Ted is full of surprises. Can he get a spotlight? Woah, that’s bright. Dibiase starts singing while Maryse is doing a ridiculous dance. I have no idea what Ted’s singing, but I’m obligated at this time to remind you that Maryse is damn fine. Dibiase is pissed that the crowd is booing. He attacks Truth, and Maryse attacks Eve. Eve clotheslines Maryse and then kicks her out of the ring. Dibiase goes for Dream Street, but Truth counters. Jumping spinning kick by Truth, and Dibiase bails out. Truth raps his new song while Eve keeps dancing.
-The Bella’s spin the wheel in the back for William Regal. Trading Places. Chad says a trading places match is dressing up as their opponent. And his opponent is Goldust. YES!! YES!! YES!!! Goldust gives Regal the wig. Holy shit this is going to be the best Raw ever. Regal and Goldust walk off, and Sheamus shows up. He says Chad must think he’s special. Chad says if Morrison can beat Sheamus, he’ll take the 6th spot in the Six Pack. Sheamus tells the Bella’s to spin the wheel. Falls Count Anywhere match beeatch. Sheamus asks if Chad thinks it’s funny. Sheamus is going to show him what good reality TV is when he wipes the floor with John Morrison, kind of like how the Pat’s beat the Bengals yesterday. Sheamus actually backs up his punter (what?). Sheamus walks off, and the Bella’s continue flirting with Chad as we go to commercial.
-WWE has a new home on Facebook, so join, or else you’re just a loser.
-Edge is in the back. Zack Ryder shows up. Ryder says he and Edge go way back and asks how the GM can be so mad at Edge. Edge calls Ryder a tool. Ryder says he’s not a tool and is going to drop the hammer. Edge says he’s gonna win the WWE title. Sheamus shows up and asks if Edge really just said that. Ryder calls out a burn, and walks off. Sheamus tells Edge to pay close attention to what Sheamus does to John Morrison next.
Morrison does some pull ups in the back, falls to the ground, looks up and we get a close up of his face. He then does some ridiculously stupid looking parkour stunts in the back. He then puts on his shades and coat.
Match 6: WWE Champion Sheamus vs John Morrison – Falls Count Anywhere match
Tie up to start, and Sheamus starts reigning down with the clubbing blows. Morrison goes for a quick roll up, but Sheamus kicks out quick and hits Morrison with a big elbow. Morrison slides through the legs and gets the dropsault. Pin but only two. Knee to the gut by Sheamus, and he throws Morrison to the outside. Morrison dropkicks Sheamus off the apron. Hurricanrana by Morrison follows. Huge knee connects. Pin but only two. Sheamus pushes Morrison back into the barricade. Sheamus charges but gets backdropped into the crowd. Morrison leaps over the barricade and takes out Sheamus. Pin but only two. Sheamus catches Morrison and nails him with the Irish Curse. Sheamus now drops Morrison out of a suplex onto a steel railing. He then follows with a knee. Pin but only two. Sheamus misses the Brogue Kick and nails a box instead. Morrison now starts fighting back, but to no avail. Sheamus puts Morrison on the stage and slams him chest first onto it. Cover but again only two. Sheamus poses and continues working down Morrison across the stage. Sheamus goes for a slam, but Morrison slides out and kicks the leg of Sheamus. Sheamus with a knee to the gut, and he tosses Morrison off the stage, but Morrison does a crazy flip thing and lands on his feet. Sheamus runs down but gets caught. Flying Chuck by Morrison. Pin but only two. Sheamus throws Morrison into the railing. Pin but only two. Sheamus goes for a suplex, but Morrison counters out but is met with an elbow. Sheamus grabs a chair and goes back up onto the stage, waiting for Morrison to come back out. Morrison is on top of some object and hits Sheamus with a huge crossbody. 1…2…2.9656!!!! Jericho shows up and nails Morrison with a chair to the back. Sheamus covers and that’s all.
Winner: Sheamus (Good stuff here but I’m curious to know if this Morrison push is going to go anywhere. Judging from past experiences (Kingston and Bourne), there’s a good chance it won’t. Still, Morrison looked great here and this was a pretty fun back and forth match)
Jericho is in the ring sitting on a chair. He says he’s not going anywhere till he gets what he wants. He will sit in the middle of the ring all night long if he has to. He’s going to sit here until there’s an email from the GM, stating that the 6 Pack Challenge is back on and he’s back in the match. Taking Jericho out of the match was stupidity, he demands justice and he’s going to have it tonight. And if he doesn’t get what he wants, then he quits. He will go home and watch as the entire WWE burns up in flames, laughing every step of the way. And if you don’t think he’s serious, try him. So what’s it gonna be? Before Jericho leaves, he’s going to track the GM down and expose his identity to the entire world. Try him. Coleslaw’s got an email. Jericho yells at Cole to just read it. Tremendous. The GM doesn’t like ultimatums and there’s no chance it’s going to work. No chance in hell. Jericho laughs and asks if he’s supposed to believe if the GM is Mr. McMahon. If Vince had some orders, he would be out in the ring saying them, not behind some screen. He tells the GM to try again. And there’s another email. Jericho yelling at Cole to read the emails is gold. The GM says that somethings Jericho should know. He’ll make the 6 Pack Challenge a 6 Pack Elimination Challenge. It will start with 6, and go down until there is 1. He’s telling Jericho this because Jericho’s back in the match. Jericho says the deals a deal, and he’ll let the show continue. And to show the GM that he made the right decision, he guarantees he’s walking out of the arena Sunday night the new WWE Champion. Cole’s got another email. The GM says don’t ever interrupt him again (who, Cole or the GM?). Jericho’s back in the 6 Pack Challenge, provided he wins his match tonight. Since Jericho is the best in the world at what he does, he’s going to compete in a handicapped match against the Hart Dynasty. And one other thing. This match is going to be contested inside a Steel Cage! Jericho is running rampant in the ring.
Match 7: Chris Jericho vs WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty – Handicapped Steel Cage match
We’re back, and this match has already started. Running powerslam by David. Hart Attack follows. Kidd starts to climb, and so does David. Jericho grabs Kidd, but David’s escaped. Kidd gets pulled back in, but knocks Jericho off. Crossbody off the top by Kidd. Pin but only two. Huge clothesline by Jericho. Jericho then throws Kidd into the cage. The door is open, but Kidd slides through Jericho’s legs to try and get out, but Jericho pulls him back in. Kick to the gut by Jericho. Big back suplex follows. And a sleeper is applied. Kidd fights out but to no avail. Armdrag by Kidd, and a dropkick follows. Spin kick to the gut, and a basement dropkick to the side of the head follows. Kicks by Kidd, and a jumping spin kick follows. Jericho starts to climb, and Kidd follows up. Tyson throws Jericho down to the mat. Jericho catches Tyson off a dive and goes to lock in the Walls, but Kidd counters into a quick pin on the roll up. Sharpshooter is locked in. Jericho makes his way to the rope and fights out. Jericho launches Kidd up, and he starts climbing. Jericho runs up and prevents him from escaping. Tyson throws Jericho into the steel. Top rope hurricanrana countered into the Walls. That looked brutal. Kidd taps out.
Winner: Chris Jericho (Major props to Kidd for taking that finisher as that could have gone horribly wrong. Pretty good back and forth outing between these two. Jericho played the role of the veteran nicely as he knew what he was doing while Kidd got in some good offense and looked like he could have actually won at some points)
-Holy shit, Goldust is in the ring dressed as William Regal. And here comes Regal. Yes! This just absolutely reeks of win.
Match 8: GoldRegal vs Regaldust – Trading Places match
Regal looks ridiculously like the Joker right now. He does the Goldust pose. YES! Goldust whips out the brass knucks. POWER OF THE PUNCH!
Winner: Goldust (It doesn’t get better than this)
-Still to come, Cena vs Orton in a Tables match. There’s no way they’re going to be able to top that last one.
-Cole and King run down the card.
*Kane vs Undertaker – World Heavyweight Championship
*The Miz vs Daniel Bryan – United States Championship
*The Big Show vs CM Punk
*Wade Barrett vs Chris Jericho vs Edge vs Randy Orton vs John Cena vs Sheamus – Six Pack Elimination match – WWE Championship
-Chad Ochocinco is in the ring. He says he wants to introduce to us a special ring announcer tonight, the lovely, handsome Ochocinco (again, his words, not mine). Tonight’s next match is a Table’s match. The only way to win is by putting your opponent through a table. And introducing first, The Viper, Randy Orton. Orton comes out, and he then introduces Cena next.
Match 9: Randy Orton vs John Cena – Tables match
Tie up to start, and neither man can gain an advantage. Another tie up, and Cena gets a headlock. Orton pushes him off but gets hit with a shoulder block. Orton with a headlock, Cena pushes him off but gets shoulder blocked. Cena with a rear waist lock, but Orton gets a right hand. Kick to the chest of Cena, and he then gets thrown into the turnbuckle. Orton goes onto the apron and wants to suplex Cena onto a table at ringside, but Cena fights out and pushes Orton off the apron. Orton lands on his feet. Both guys stare each other down as we head to commercial.
We’re back, and both guys are trading rights in the ring. Orton counters an irish whip with that vintage backbreaker. Stomps by Orton. Cena’s on the apron now. Orton’s trying to knock Cena off the apron through a table, but Cena fights back. Fisherman’s suplex by Cena, and both guys are down. Double clothesline by both guys, and they’re both down again. Cena goes for an Attitude Adjustment, but Orton counters into a DDT. Lawler called it an RKO, but leave it to Coleslaw to correct him. Orton brings a table into the ring and sets it up in the corner. Cena comes back with the 5 Moves of Doom. You Can’t See Me! Five Knuckle Shuffle connects. Attitude Adjustment countered, and Orton gets a clothesline. And another. Vintage scoop slam. Orton’s 5 Moves of Doom are almost complete. Cena counters an RKO. Drop toe hold, and the STF is applied.
The Nexus charges the ring and start attacking Cena. RKO to Tarver, and the Nexus starts attacking Orton. Attitude Adjustment to Otunga. Slater gets thrown over the top and through a table. Wasteland by Barrett to Cena. Barrett grabs a table and brings it into the ring. He and Gabriel set it up and Gabriel goes to the top. Orton pushes Gabriel off and through a table. Orton runs in but eats a boot from Barrett. Barrett looks around and picks up Orton. He goes to Wasteland him out of the ring and through a table, but Orton slides out and throws Barrett onto the apron. He then shoves Barrett off and through a table. Orton has the table set up. He wants to put Cena through it. He’s hyping the RKO. Here comes Edge and Jericho. They attack Orton. Orton starts to fight back. He counters a Codebreaker. He avoids a Spear and Edge puts Jericho through the table by accident. Sheamus is in and he nails Orton with the Irish Hammer. Sheamus knee lifts Cena off the apron. Cena counters and irish whip by Sheamus on the outside and nails him with the Attitude Adjustment. Cena goes to come into the ring, but Orton goes for the vintage DDt, but Cena counters into an AA attempt. He goes to put Cena through the table, but Orton counters the AA midair into the RKO for the win!
Winner: Randy Orton (Wow, that may have been one of the most chaotic main events ever. I don’t like how Edge was taken out, but everything else besides that was good. Very exciting and wild match where the winner could have gone to either man)
-We get a recap of the chaos as Orton celebrates the win.
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