Cook’s SummerSlam 2017 Report Card

Hi, hello & welcome to the SummerSlam Report Card! It’s the biggest party of the summer and there’s a lot going on here, so I’m not going to waste any time with an introduction. If you’re reading this you know what’s going on. Let’s get to it.

Here’s how I grade the WWE SuperStars…

A – Outstanding. Great moves, selling, interaction with the fans, everything. Stands out as a top performer.
B – Above Average. Very good offensively or defensively. Plays their role well. Helps the match accomplish what it set out to do.
C – Average. The type of performance that does nothing to stand out. No outstanding moves, no great effort to sell their opponent’s offense or draw the crowd into what they’re doing, just bland, basic wrestling. Sometimes, especially in a multi-man match, a short period of time spent in the ring without a chance to do too much.
D – Below Average. Poor execution, ignoring the crowd, not doing things that make sense.
F – Failure. Not doing anything useful. Actively holding the match back from accomplishing its objective.

The Kickoff Show panel for the first hour is Renee Young, Jerry Lawler, Lita & David Otunga if you’re scoring at home, or even if you’re alone.

The Hardyz & Jason Jordan vs The Miz & The Miztourage (w/Maryse): Twenty-four minutes into the Kickoff Show and we get our first match! Hey, it’s a crowded card, we can’t waste any time here. Matt Hardy & Curtis Axel start us off, but not for long as Jeff tags in and it’s Poetry in Motion. Jordan tags in and it’s time for the Miztourage to take the advantage. Bo Dallas tags in, and I’m a little disappointed in his new ring attire. I was hoping for something a little more country western. Some Barry Windham style boots would have been nice. Matt with the yodeling axehandle. Quick tag to Jeff, then to Jordan, and it’s all three in there very briefly. Hardyz & JJ with the advantage. Jeff teases a Swanton, Bo gets pulled outside as we go to commercial. We return and Jeff splits Bo’s legs for a two count. Bo gets the advantage and now the Miz tags in. I was wondering if he would do that or not. He gets a little too full of himself and Jeff kicks him off, but Axel breaks off the tag. Axel works Jeff over as the announcers compare Axel to Jason Jordan and wonder if Jordan will be a disappointment like Axel has been. Ouch. Matt with the hot tag and the DELETE turnbuckle smashes to Miz. Yodeling elbow gets 2 on Miz. He calls for the Twist of Fate. Miz might have seen it coming. DDT gets 2 on Matt. Now the announcers talk about the small crowd right now, as we’re highlighting the negatives & downplaying the positives tonight. Jordan with the hot tag and it’s time for some suplexes! It’s broken down now. Jordan with a belly to belly on Axel. Shoulderblock in the corner, Miz with the blind tag, Skull Crushing Finale to Jordan and it’s all over!

Pretty average stuff here as you’d expect in a showcase of guys that could be doing more. Remember when the Hardys were the hottest act in wrestling earlier this year? Remember when Miz was one of the hottest heels in wrestling earlier this year? I can’t even try to sell the usual “the opening match is the second-most important match on the card” bit since the fans mostly haven’t arrived yet. Tough spot for these guys. At least Jordan losing won’t hurt too much since nobody saw it.

Grades
Hardyz/JJ: C
Team Miz: C

Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins chilling in the Social Media Lounge with Charly Caruso. That’s a group I wouldn’t mind drinking a beverage or eight with.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Akira Tozawa (c) (w/Titus O’Neil) vs Neville: The fans outside are pumped for this one. I’m sure the fans inside are excited too. Neville wearing all white tonight, I guess he’s making sure he wears those shiny new tights before Labor Day. Tozawa says it’s his ring. Nice flurry of offense from Tozawa early, along with some aking. Neville turns the tide by tossing Tozawa into the dangerous LED board on the side of the ring. Remember when they used to have a ring apron? We come back from commercial & Neville dropkicks Tozawa’s back off the top rope for two. STOMPS! Tozawa fights back, big ol’ series of running forearms. Back suplex by Tozawa…he was about to head up top but Neville got out of the way. Tozawa springs into a fireman’s carry, he turns it into an octopus hold! Neville gets out, but a shining wizard by Tozawa gets another near-fall. He runs into an enziguri, then ranas Neville, roll through and a knee strike by Tozawa. Nice exchange there. I think that’s the first Neville chant I’ve ever heard. At least the first one since the days of Chamberlain. They go up top and fight over a superplex…Tozawa front suplexes Neville, then tries a senton and hits nothing but knees! Neville with the Red Arrow…right to the backside! Neville regains the Cruiserweight Championship.

I figured the title would be heading back Neville’s way in short order. Mostly because I have no idea who else would challenge Tozawa for it. Is Tony Nese still a thing?

Grades
Tozawa: B
Neville: B

Lita has been replaced at the Kickoff Show panel by Peter Rosenberg, who is wearing a Bobby Heenan knockoff jacket. What an insult to the Brain, who I’m sure wouldn’t mind somebody ripping him off as long as they had some talent.

Elias is here to get the bitter taste out of our mouths. He gets some good heat when he tells the crowd to set their phones on silent. I must say that he’d be perfectly acceptable entertainment at the bars I used to frequent back in the day. The second song was actually pretty darn good.

Carmellsworth has joined the panel, and they drop bombs on Rosenberg so I like them. Carmella looks dressed to fight tonight.

Jinder’s Punjabi promos are much shorter and to the point than his English ones.

Byron Saxton wins the Best Dressed Award among the announcers tonight.

WWE SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match: The New Day (c) vs The Usos: Big E now has a cape that says E on it. That might be what he was missing to be a big singles star. The crowd has filled in a lot more now so this might actually be considered an opening match. Xavier Woods & Big E are representing Red Lantern New Day tonight. Xavier starts off with Jimmy and dominates early, even ripping the shirt off of the man. A rare extended one on one opening sequence in a WWE tag team match here. Xavier gets dominated during the commercial as Jey has tagged in now. Took his shirt off in solidarity, I guess. They go up top to tease a superplex. Xavier knocks Jey off, Jimmy misses a running charge on the apron, and Xavier dropkicks Jey down. The tag to Big E is foiled by Jimmy yanking E off. The apron. Xavier continuing to take the punishment. I’ll note that there actually is a ring apron in front of the ringside commentary tables. Demolition Decapitation gets a two count on Woods. Big E sure got it taken out of him with that fall to the floor. Chinlock for a minute, then a back suplex to Woods. Xavier fights out of another one and faceplants Jimmy. Hot tag to Big E! He’s gyrating! The offense doesn’t last long though. Or maybe it does, STJoe in the corner gets a two count. E powerbombs Woods on top of Jey! Xavier lifts E up in an electric chair! Splash from Woods’ shoulders gets two! Not sure about the wisdom of that one. Usos gain the 2 on 1 advantage here, a double spinebuster gets two on E. Woods is back in, and a STJoe into a Backstabber gets a two count! Some nice double teams here. Series of headbutts to a Samoan isn’t one of Xavier’s brighter ideas. They go outside and we got Usos diving off of barricades. Big E almost does a suicide dive but gets kicked. Top rope splashes to Xavie & E get a near-fall on Xavier. Koji Clutch by Xavier on Jey! Big E is holding Jimmy, but that doesn’t last and Jey breaks the hold. Shining Wizard by Xavier gets two. Short kick to Jey, tag to Big E…tornado DDT by Xavier to Jimmy on the floor! Up-Up-Down-Down gets a two count as Jimmy breaks up the pin attempt! Jeez, Jimmy tosses Xavier outside on top of Jey and nearly kills the man! Kofi gets sent into the steps! Big E with the spear through the ropes! Big Ending is broken yup back in the ring. SUPER KICKS! Jey & Jimmy going up top on opposite corners…Double Uce! The Usos win the tag team championships back!

Dang, two title changes and the show hasn’t even officially started yet. Another top-notch effort from these teams. I know some here at 411 think the New Day are stale, but they’ve been delivering on these PPV shows. I’m assuming that the Usos are getting the straps so Breezango can beat some bad guys.

Grades
New Day: A
Usos: A

A KFC commercial leads to Shawn Michaels coming out as Colonel Sanders. I’ve never had LSD, but I think this sort of thing is what happens when you’re on it.

Braun Strowman cuts off Paul Heyman’s promo and says he talks too much. He isn’t wrong.

Time for the actual show!

John Cena vs Baron Corbin: The Spanish booth added a dude, so you can tell it’s a big show. Cena is evasive to start and tells the announcers he’s in Corbin’s head. Dude’s thinking too much about Tuesday. Go-behind into a headlock by Cena. Corbin takes the advantage and stomps Cena down. Splash in the corner. I like the spot where Corbin slides outside the ring and slides back in around the ring post and delivers the clothesline. It’s different. Too much trash talking by Corbin leads to a brief comeback by Cena, but a front slam gets two. Always awkward when a silent crowd gets told to shut up. Dropkick by Cena but Corbin responds with a punch. The crowd asks Corbin where his briefcase is at. Some VINTAGE CENA OFFENSE followed by the Five-Knuckle Shuffle…or not as Baron avoids it. He does the sliding thing again and delivers a chokebreaker to Cena! CZW Legend Nick Gage’s finisher gets a two count. Up top…tornado DDT by Cena! He goes for the Shuffle again and hits the fist drop this time. No AA, but Corbin hits Deep Six for two. He’s back on the offense now, delivering some of those dirty forearms. Corbin’s t-shirt being removed doesn’t quite get the reaction Jeff Hardy’s t-shirt being removed does. Slidy deal again, but Cena sees it coming and clotheslines Corbin. AA…gets a three count! OK, I’m used to the first AA not getting the three count anymore.

Not a bad showing for Corbin here. Was it the type of showing he needed to establish himself as a big time player? I wouldn’t say so. I suspect he’s heading back down the card now, which is ok with me as he needs more seasoning if he’s going to be a top guy brother. As for Cena, I suspect he moves on to an issue on Raw since he’s a Free Agent and that should probably mean something at some point. He didn’t add a whole lot to the match except the crowd heat, which is usually pretty important.

Grades
Cena: B-
Corbin: B

Cena comes out and talks to some gentlemen at ringside, then hugs Arnold Skaaland’s widow!

Neville & Sasha Banks won the Rocket League Tournament Final over AJ Styles & Charlotte. I don’t have much to add to that, as my recent video gaming involves a Nashville Predators season on NHL 99. It’s fun since I get to learn the names of the guys from the beginning.

SmackDown Women’s Championship Match: Naomi (c) vs Natalya: I suppose as a traditionalist I should be offended by the glowing title belt, but I’m really not. Cena never had moves like that. Or gear like that, for that matter. They’re off and running early, Naomi hits a friggin Blockbuster on the floor. Natalya takes advantage…catapult on the apron into the ring post! I never saw that variation of the catapult on WOW. Snap suplex gets 1.5. Carmella is shown backstage watching…ok, now it’s probably being too telegraphed to actually happen. Michinoku Driver by Nattie for two. ABDOMINAL STRETCH WITH A LEG HELD UP! Over to the corner now and Naomi hits a side Russian leg sweep off the middle rope for the two count. JBL with the Brad Armstrong reference. Headscissor DDT gets a two count for Naomi. Naomi says it’s Glow Time, which means a bunch of kicks. Nattie turns that into a splits for Naomi, then a dropkick gets two. Naomi with a springboard legdrop, and a Taeler Hendrix style cover gets the two count. Sunset flip into an anaconda vice…no, Nattie turns it into a Sharpshooter! Right in the middle of the ring…nah, Naomi powers Natalya into the corner. Split-legged moonsault misses, and Natalya goes back to the Sharpshooter! Naomi taps, and now we know why all the smart money came in on Natalya. Three title matches and three new champions.

Naomi sheds a tear as Natalya walks off. They paused for a little bit so we could wait for Carmella’s music to kick in, but no dice.

Solid effort from the ladies there. My current guess is that Naomi gets the title back on a random SmackDown Live and that’s when the Carmella cash-in happens. Might as well give Natalya a quick run with the strap though, she certainly deserves it. Clap clap clap clap clap.

Grades
Naomi: B
Natalya: B

This Alexa Bliss No Mercy commercial is all the win. Best PPV commercial since the No Mercy Halloween themed commercial with Pete Rose.

Enzo Amore in a Shark Cage Match: Big Show vs Big Cass: Enzo talks for awhile. It gets repetitive and leads to the first time I’ve ever been happy to hear Cass’s music. Big Show has a big ol’ cast on his hand. I’m sure it would never be used as a weapon. Why the heck would Triple H have been in a shark cage for a match with Show & Mankind in 1999? I’m sure there’s a logical Vince Russo explanation for it. We can still hear Enzo yelling about how we’re going to work, so I’n not sure how much good the shark cage is doing here. Side slam by Show that lands on Show’s bad hand. Whoopsies. Eventually Show’s just going to kill Enzo, isn’t he? Show misses a Vader Bomb and hurts his hand again in the process. He still knocks out Cass with the hand, but it only gets a two count. Should have made that cast harder. Big Cass with the big boot. He clubs away on the hand and delivers other entertaining offense that allows me to get a breather. Enzo continues yelling stuff. Chokeslam? Not with that hand. The left isn’t quite as effective on a chokeslam though, so Cass kicks out. Enzo is now attempting to leave the cage, which doesn’t seem like the best of life choices. Neither does removing his pants, which he does as well. He oils himself up like he’s Joey Ryan, puts some gloves on and slips through the bars of the shark cage. He’s still gotta get down though, and he’s still in his boxers, and Cass boots him in the face. Well that was effective. Big boot to Big Show, who kicks out at two for some reason. GO HOME! Another big boot followed by an Empire Elbow, which is the old Abdullah the Butcher running mudflap finish, gets the three count. Thank God.

It sucked, but we expected it to suck. Not much else to say about this one.

Grades
Show: D-
Cass: D-

Kurt Angle & Daniel Bryan chit-chat backstage and plug the rest of the show. They exchange Yesses & Nos. I enjoyed it.

Randy Orton vs Rusev: Rusev attacks Orton during his entrance and does a decent amount of damage to the Viper. But not enough, as Orton immediately hits the RKO and gets the win in around ten seconds or so. All right then. On the bright side, that was Randy Orton’s best PPV match this year, so he’s turning things around.

No grades here.

Jeez, and people thought Baron Corbin had heat with the office. I wouldn’t be surprised to read tomorrow that Rusev is being wished well in his future endeavors.

Bayley wishes Sasha luck backstage. Jeez, the freaking Brooklyn fans are booing Bayley now. Ouch.

Raw Women’s Championship Match: Alexa Bliss (c) vs Sasha Banks: I’m not sure what Sasha’s entrance attire is supposed to be. I recently learned that the Japanese announcer with Funaki is Yamaguchi-San’s brother and not actually Yamaguchi-Fan, which is disappointing. I’m also not sure where Ray Rougeau went, somebody better know because that guy knows some dangerous people. Alexa looks…less pleased than usual. She doesn’t usually look pleased. Some fisticuffs to start off here. Big shot by Alexa. Dropkick by Sasha, Alexa fights back, goes up top, crossbody gets a two count, rollthrough gets two. Clothesline by Alexa for two. Into the corner, Sasha gets crotched on the middle rope and Alexa just pushes her down to the mat. Classic hair pulling. Alexa will snatch that girl bald if she isn’t careful. She goin up top now, Sasha meets her in the corner and then gets choked for her trouble. Double knees and a tumble into another double knees gets two. Did the ref just say “That is rude!”? I really hope he did. Sasha with a brief comeback, but Alexa’s back in control. More choking in the corner, Sasha fights out of that. Running knee strike and both women are down. Union Jack by Sasha gets two. She goes face first into Alexa’s knee for a two count. Alexa wants Sasha to give up but that doesn’t happen. Alexa tries a Code Red, Sasha turns it into an Alabama Slam into the turnbuckle. Knees in the corner by Banks. Running knees gets two. Another big forearm by Bliss, Banks with the Backstabber into the Bank Statement, but Alexa reaches the ropes. Sasha tries to run across the apron, but Alexa yanks the apron and Sahsa flies off. Sasha tossed outside and there’s something of a shoulder issue here. Divorce Court and some fun kicks by Bliss. Up top…Twisted Bliss gets a two count! Banks goes back to the Bank Statement! Alexa breaks it due to the bad shoulder. Back to the move, we’re close to the ropes but it doesn’t matter, as Alexa taps out! Another title match, another new champion!

Welp, Sasha is the top face in the Raw women’s division that doesn’t get booed most places, so if you want to put a face over here she’s probably a better choice than Bayley right now. All’s well that ends well…except for the fact that Alexa Bliss should never ever lose a match.

Grades
Bliss: B+
Banks: B

THE DEMON KING FINN BALOR vs Bray Wyatt: The Demon King has the whole wide world in his hands. It’s the Demon King tonight, in case you forgot. Smoke encircles the ring. Wyatt goes outside for a second. Demon King on the offensive early. Wyatt does his crab thing in the corner. Flip dive by the Demon King! Wyatt gains control with various restholds. It’s exciting. Demon King fights back. Double stomp on the floor. Some brief offense but here comes Wyatt again. This is kind of what it is, to be honest. Lots of going back and forth. Crab walking by Bray. Demon King no-sells. Sling Blade. Dropkick into the corner. Up top…Coup de grace ends it.

Not a whole lot going on here. Kind of a blah match, but it really wasn’t bad considering Bray Wyatt is involved and he usually does weirder stuff.

Grades
DEMON KING: C
Wyatt: C-

Raw Tag Team Championship Match: Sheamus & Cesaro (c) vs Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins: Cesaro & Sheamus opted to enter first. I’m glad that somebody actually explained that for once. They tossing these fools around on the outside now. Rollins getting dominated here. Cesaro runs into the crowd and destroys a beach ball! Goodness gracious. Now he destroys Rollins with a resthold. Rollins coming back, Cesaro tumbles outside and favors his left knee. Ambrose with the hot tag! They doubleteam both guys…suicide dives! This match is going on at the same time as my fantasy football draft, and I’m not a huge fan of how either are going. SWING BY CESARO ON AMBROSE! SHARPSHOOTER! Shades of Tyson Kidd probably. Double crucifix bomb gets 2.5 on Ambrose. Sheamus & Cesaro stomp Rollins down. Rollins blocks the assisted White Noise, super kicks! Knee! Dirty Deeds by Ambrose on Sheamus and we have new tag team champions!

Decent enough match. Maybe not quite as good as I was hoping for, but Rollins & Ambrose should be pretty strong tag team champions.

Grades
Shesaro: C
Rolbrose: C

US Championship Match Refereed By Shane McMahon: AJ Styles (c) vs Kevin Owens: They’re going at it right away. Styles with the advantage early on but Owens takes it as you’d expect. No idea what’s going on with Shane’s referee shirt. AJ comes back, teases a Styles Clash but nothing doing. He also misses the Phenomenon, but Owens doesn’t miss the Superkick. No pop-up powerbomb, Styles with the neckbreaker for two. Up top now, Owens nudges Shane into the ropes and knocks AJ down. It results in a sunset flip powerbomb by Styles! Styles goes for the 450, but Shane takes the brunt of it! He was checking on Owens apparently. Pop up powerbomb by Owens…two count! Owens yells at Shane for not being quick enough on the count. Shane gets bumped outside, and Styles locks in the Calf Crusher! Owens taps, but there’s no referee. Owens with a brainbuster off the top! Cover gets two! Series of reversals leads to a Styles Clash and a two count. Pop up powerbomb by Owens…Shane counts 3, but he sees Styles’ foot on the ropes and waves off the count! Oh goodness. Owens gets all up in Shane’s business and people are shoved…Styles rolls up for a two count! Now he goes for the Phenomenal Forearm…he hits it! Styles isn’t done…Styles Clash! AJ Styles is the first champion to successfully defend his championship tonight!

They definitely went balls out for this one. Lots of big moves, maybe a little light on the psychology, but they hit the big points and delivered much moreso than they did at Battleground. I don’t think they’ll ever have that six-star mat classic with each other, but this was enjoyable enough.

Grades
Styles: B+
Owens: B+

WWE Championship Match: Jinder Mahal (c) (w/Singh Brothers) vs Shinsuke Nakamura: Some live violin music for Nakamura’s entrance! Should be an interesting styles clash here, not to be confused with the finisher of the previous match. Shinsuke tells Jinder to come on, and Jinder goes flying over the top rope. Funaki sounds like he’s actually really good on commentary. Things go well for Nakamura until the Singhs interfere, which is nothing new for Jinder. JBL explains how Jinder’s lack of a discernable wrestling style makes him successful. Nakamura fights back with kicks. Jinder tries a power bomb but Nakamura turns it into an armbar. Jinder reaches the ropes. Jinder regains control but loses it when he rams his shoulder into the ringpost. The Singhs make a run-in and apparently this is all cool with the referee as they just get beat up. Jinder kind of hits the cobra clutch slam and gets the three count.

Well, this is still a thing. Guys, I’m really, really, really trying to give this dude a chance. It’s just not doing anything for me. I’m not going to lie to you and say that it is to get attention. The minute it’s over, SmackDown Live will be that much more interesting. Pretty bland match, nothing you’ll remember a minute after its over.

Grades
Jinder: C-
Shinsuke: C

Universal Championship Fatal 4-Way Match With Brock Lesnar’s Choice of Occupation On The Line: Brock Lesnar (c) (w/Paul Heyman) vs Samoa Joe vs Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman: After a long night like this one, sometimes you just need dudes beating the crap out of each other to end the festivities. Brock suplexing Joe & Braun & Roman tossing each other around on the outside is what I need right now. Brock vs. Braun is what I need. They face off and the crowd goes wild. Braun tosses Brock into the corner and clotheslines him to the outside! Yes this is what America needs. Roman’s attempt to clothesline Braun out doesn’t go as well. Joe chokes Brock on the outside! Reigns spears Brock through the barricade! Joe was wise enough to step aside. Braun runs Joe over like a bat outta hell. Braun powerslams Brock through one of the announce tables! Joe with a dive onto Roman! BRAUN THROWS AN OFFICE CHAIR AT JOE & REIGNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love that spot. Braun powerslams Brock through another table! HE TOPPLES AN ANNOUNCE TABLE ON TOP OF BROCK! It weighs hundreds of pounds and now Brock’s being carried out! Well that’s one way to do a job without getting pinned. In fairness, Braun literally murdered the guy, so it’s believable. Lesnar gets the Na-Na-Na-Na-Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye treatment as he’s carried out. Braun is not finished and now he has the steps! He way-lays Joe & Reigns with them, then tosses the steps into the ring! Now it’s Roman hitting Braun with the steps! He eventually knocks Braun to the outside, then it’s time for Joe to do some offense on Reigns. Reigns & Joe go back and forth while Braun takes a siesta on the floor. No Superman Punch, no Choke, here comes Braun! Double chokeslam! 2 counts on Reigns. Hey, here comes Brock! He’s no longer murdered! Takedown on Braun! He sends Strowman outside, Reigns eats a suplex! One for Joe! Braun suplex? Not yet. Brock trying to lock in the Kimura! Reigns breaks it up with a Superman Punch! Punches all around! Spear to Lesnar! 2.85! Reigns is making gestures, but Joe locks in the Choke from behind! Strowman dropkick to break it up! Powerslam to Joe, but Lesnar pulls the referee out to break up the count! Superman punch to Lesnar, one to Strowman, 2 count! Reigns runs into a big boot. Powerslam! Lesnar breaks up the count! F5? Not yet. Spear by Roman to Strowman while he had Lesnar up in the air! Brock & Joe now in the ring…Joe goes for the Choke and it’s locked in! Lesnar slips out and hits the F5! Roman breaks up the count! Superman punches to Lesnar! Three knock him down…is it spear time? No, it’s time for an F5! Lesnar retains, pinning Roman Reigns! Guess he’s still wrestling.

The first part of that match was the most fun WWE has been since…well, last night at NXT TakeOver. My point is that it was awesome. It slowed down a bit, understandably, but still delivered. Another great showing by Braun Strowman sets him apart as the next WWE Monster. Here’s hoping he’s the man that eventually knocks Lesnar off the throne.

Grades
Brock: B
Joe: B
Roman: B+
Braun: A

Final Thought

SummerSlam 2017 definitely had its high points. The Universal, United States & SmackDown Tag Team Championship matches were all pretty tremendous. The Women’s Championship matches were each solid. There was also a lot of stuff that was just there. The difference between this and Saturday night’s show: All the stuff that would have been just there wasn’t included. You can probably find a damn good two-hour show somewhere in this. As it is, I’d recommend just watching certain matches and trying to forget that other things exist.

For more of Steve Cook’s thoughts on pro wrestling, along with his thoughts on whatever happens to be going on at any random point in time, follow him on Twitter!