wrestling / Columns
Cook’s WWE Survivor Series 2018 Report Card
Image Credit: WWE
Hi, hello & welcome to the Report Card for the 2018 Survivor Series! Typically I hand out grades when I do these reviews of shows, but not this time. Once I heard that WWE didn’t consider this show part of canon, I figured it didn’t really matter to them. If it doesn’t matter to them, why should it matter to me? I’ll at least watch it because it isn’t funded by the Saudi Arabian government, but if WWE doesn’t want me to care I’ll take their word for it.
Here’s the show! I got home during the Kickoff Show. The Coach was the roughest part of the panel, and I don’t know whether Booker T actually watches Raw & SmackDown or not. Jerry Lawler, Beth Phoenix & David Otunga were fine though.
New Day coming out with their Booty O’s & blue pancakes makes me wonder how the tag team division continues to be an afterthought on both shows. They have literally merchandised everything possible for New Day, including the aformentioned cereal. I assume it sells or they wouldn’t keep making the crap. This seems to be a SmackDown crowd based on the crowd reaction to New Day’s promo. Makes sense, LA is a Hispanic market & has always supported the likes of Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio. Big E provides the introduction for the Good Brothers. Why the hell aren’t Gallows & Anderson on TV more? They’re a damn good tag team and got a Too Sweet chant here. Xavier Woods introduces the Colons, who I legit had no idea were still under contract until Tuesday night. Kofi introduces Sanity. Rage, chaos, that whole bit. I had no idea they were still around until they brought out Nikki Cross a couple of weeks ago. Seriously. They played the music and I had no idea who was coming out. Big E introduces the Usos, who the crowd correctly guessed. The Uce Truce is still intact obviously.
I feel like those introductions will be more entertaining than the match. Apparently one of the Lucha House Party’s pinatas is named Penelope, which makes me wish Penelope Ford was booked on this show. The Raw team knows how to do the Glorious pose. Well that’s fun. Kalisto & Epico get to start. I honestly thought that was Primo, and I’m not sure who’s wrong between me & Tom Phillips. Kalisto & Lince Dorado are representing the LHP if you’re scoring at home, or even if you’re alone. OK, Primo just tagged in and that’s definitely him. This is why play by play isn’t my thing dawg. Primo eats a Shatter Machine, which gets no reaction because nobody’s seen it in like a year. Colons are out. Karl Anderson is dishing out some spinebusters because he’s an Anderson. I wonder if he does a sweet DDT. Axel hits a Mr. Perfect neck snap. Nice of Viktor to join in the B-Team chant but none of his partners bothered. The B-Team goes out due to some chicanery, which is apparently a Dave Schilling catchphrase based on his prowrestlingtees store. Dang, moonsault into a neckbreaker eliminates Sanity. That’s a nice finisher for Roode & Gable. Big E likes to spank people during abdominal stretches now. Woods & Big E are the New Day representatives. I didn’t even notice which 2 Sanity members were in, and it likely doesn’t matter. Why the hell is Viktor hitting a chinlock when there are so many people in this match? No reason to resthold, my boy! Big E splash off the shoulders of Woods eliminates the Ascension. Apparently all the LHP members are legal in this match, since Gran Metallik is also doing things. That seems unfair. Also unfair, Anderson was in a match for the first time in months and didn’t get to show off his abs. The poor bastard. The Good Brothers & LHP got eliminated, so we’re down to Usos/New Day & Roode/Gable/Revival.
Xavier Woods is a crazy man that will take on anybody. Now Big E can throw Dash Wilder around and it’s a good time. Chad Gable throwing Big E around is pretty impressive. A German suplex into a neckbreaker by Roode only gets two! This is making me want to see Roode & Gable feud with New Day, because that would be fun stuff. Now Revival is doing all the moves, and Big E is doing his spear to the floor that will hurt in ten years. The Usos were smart and stayed out of all of this crap. Well, until Jey dived to the floor. And Gable Germaned Jimmy into everybody on the floor. Fortunately everybody was around to catch. Gable moonsaults, gets caught by Big E & the up up down down eliminates Roode & Gable. Dawson sure likes those swinging DDTs. Xavier Woods jumps into a Shatter Machine and we’re left with the Usos and the Revival. Speaking of feuds I would like to see. The Revival pulls off a reverse Steiners bulldog somehow and gets a nearfall. After some of that crazy tag team rasslin nobody wants to see, the Usos get the duke and put SmackDown up 1-0 with some superkicks & a flying Uso. Certainly living up to Big E calling them the greatest tag team on God’s green earth.
So Alexa Bliss kicked Natalya & Ruby Riott off of Team Raw after they got into a fight during the Kickoff show. She has appointed Sasha Banks & Bayley as replacements. They seem really excited about it. Well, no, not exactly.
R-Truth got to sing his song. Was that actually ever released anywhere? Graves thinks Mandy & Sonya were part of Evolution with Paige, which I guess means that Triple H, Ric Flair, Batista & Randy Orton were Absolution. Naomi claims to be the captain of Team SmackDown, but Sonya is standing in front of the team while Team Raw comes out. Nia is very popular with the crowd. By “very popular” I mean not at all. Tamina, not my choice to start but she was Raw’s choice, goes against Naomi. Well, everybody runs into the ring and it’s not that different from the Diva Survivor Series matches from back in the day. Naomi gets put out by a Tamina superkick, then Carmella rolls up Tamina to get her out of there. Dance Break! The rollup doesn’t work as well on Nia Jax. Carmella tags out to Mandy and lets her get her face broken. Mandy with some nice kicks to Nia! Here comes Mickie! Mickie gets some early offense, but Mandy locks in that abdominal stretch! But then Mickie locks in the Muta Lock! I wanna see a Mickie vs. Mandy feud! Bayley makes the tag on her own once Sonya Deville is in there. She & Sasha do a doubleteam, then Mickie tags herself back in. Mandy steals the pin on Mickie, though Sonya landed the killing blow. Baymella going at it in the ring for the first time I can remember. Bayley hits the Bayley to Belly on her best friend before Sasha came around. Mandy comes in after, but has to tap to the Bank Statement. Sonya & Asuka got some work to do here against three Raw women. Nia breaks up a Sonya pin on Bayley and gets booed out of the building. These fans know what Nia did and are not happy. Bayley & Sonya get a double countout due to Bayley hitting her suplex on the floor, so we get Asuka vs. Sasha & Nia. Asuka & Sasha go at it for awhile while Nia takes a nap on the outside. All the stuff she did earlier made her tired. Then Nia decides to doublecross Sasha & legdrop Asuka three times. A Samoan Drop later & Nia wins. So if you were wondering if Nia would get punished for ruining the Survivor Series main event…absolutely not!
It pays to be related to important/rich people. Americans should already know that.
You may or may not remember that the Shield debuted on Survivor Series six years go. I admit I did not. Add in the Undertaker debut and this PPV event easily holds the record for most important debuts. Rollins has a half Raw/half Rollins shirt on while Nakamura has a full Smackdown shirt & long sleeve underneath, along with blue pants. As usual, Nakamura is the more fashionable wrestler. COME ON! Lots of stalling & posing in this match, which is fine with me since I got other things to handle on the Twittah. Seth is trying to do way too much stuff here & Shinsuke is gonna make him pay. That’s my main knock on Rollins at this point. He’s way too extra in a promotion that doesn’t reward that. Smarter not harder, my son. Though if you really want Nakamura to hit you harder, that’s one way to do it. It’s actually been a pretty solid little match, though I wouldn’t rate it as the SHOW STEALER that some were hoping for without knowing the participants properly. Gotta give the LA crowd credit for being good, even doing the BURN IT DOWN chant with Rollins tuning up the band. Of course Rollins kicked out of Nakamura’s finisher because that’s what he does. After an exchange, Rollins gets the finish with the stomp. Raw is up 2-1 or 2-0 depending on whether the Kickoff Show counts or not. Apparently it doesn’t according to the scoreboard graphic.
We got the Raw Men’s Survivor Series Team with some beef. Though Braun Strowman does admit he likes Finn Balor, so that’s pretty cool. We also get an R-Truth appearance.
I do not like the Big Show addition to the Bar because it ruins their entrance by cutting Sheamus’s music short. I also do not like the shortening to AOP, simply because people that didn’t watch NXT (of which there are many, much to IWC fans’ dismay) have no idea what the hell AOP means. We all know it’s Authors Of Pain, but nobody that wasn’t an NXT viewer would come up with that. I feel like I’m the only person that cares about this, which might be fair since WWE doesn’t care about their tag team divisions. People that feel that the Revival have under-achieved since getting to the main roster don’t get that. Nothing the Revival did was going to make people care, unless one guy stood out as a potential singles star. That’s what WWE cares about. I’ve often wondered why Sheamus & Cesaro aren’t introduced as The Bar, and that might be because they’re actually recognizable on their own. And now Drake Maverick is pissing himself due to a chokehold from the Big Show. This leads to AOP hitting their finish on Sheamus and putting Raw’s lead to 3-0 or 3-1 depending on who you ask.
Miz throws it to Shane for a motivational speech. R-Truth appears again. He wants to join the SmackDown roster…he’s already on the SmackDown roster. Miz will give his teammates signed copies of his movie. R-Truth wants a signed copy from Becky. I don’t know why this brand is down 3-0 or 3-1. The real question is why Fox paid so many hundreds of millions for this nonsense.
The Juggernaut, bitch, goes right on the offensive. Well not really. Gotta say that I’m liking Vic Joseph & Nigel McGuinness on commentary here. Percy Watson is along for the ride & has some good lines during the replays. I do think Nigel has found his home in WWE as the new Lord Alfred Hayes. These boys are throwing shots and taking reverse ranas because that’s what you do in 2018. Along with weird angle DDTs. Murphy clears the announce table, so Ali does a C4 off of it. We get a 205 chant from the ringsiders. A couple of powerbombs from Murphy gets a 2 count. He does eventually get the three count after Murphy’s Law, which is a great name for a finish.
Dasha tries to interview Daniel Bryan with an awkward question and gets nowhere.
Well, whether SmackDown is down 3-0 or 3-1, they have to win here or they’re done. Joe sneaks up from behind on McIntyre with the clutch! Well, never mind. Mcintyre hit the Claymore & Joe is out. Good Lord. Talk about a burial. SD’s hopes lay on Shane McMahon throwing punches, which is never a great idea. Now hold on. Miz saved Shane on a pin but he didn’t save Joe? Wouldn’t you rather save Joe? I mean, I’m just spitballin’ here. Drew tags Braun whenever Braun wants to tag in, which results in some chaos. It results in SmackDown taking it to Braun and a Shane elbow to Braun through the announce table. We’re saying it’s been all Team Blue for this match when Joe got taken out in a minute. OK then. Finn offers to tag Drew, and Drew won’t do it. The Raw team is imploding, yet they’re still winning this match. Seriously, the Raw guys are laying waste to the SmackDown guys here. Until Rey tags in, then he gets some offense! For a second anyway. Finn vs. Rey would be fun somewhere. This might be all we get, and Rey gets the elimination to make it 4 on 4. Drew takes exception to Finn losing & tosses him out. Rey tries to take advantage, but Lashley tags in and apparently we’re supposed to take him seriously now. I mean, if you can’t hold Rey that long you can’t hold anybody too long. Except for poor Sami Zayn, who will be back whenever Israel vs. the Palestinians isn’t a thing. Hardy got the hot tag and he wants things deleted. How many DDTs have already been doled out tonight? Ziggler gives another one to Hardy for a nearfall. Hardy goes on the offense for a minute but Ziggler gets the knees up on the Swanton. Miz tags in & hits Ziggler in the corner. He invites Shane in to go Coast to Coast. He does! Dolph’s out. Lashley goes to work on Shane. They’re really trying to get this Almighty thing over for Lashley. Miz wants Shane to do Coast to Coast again. It’s not within a minute, but in any event it ends with a Braun clothesline. Fortunately Rey makes the save. Braun takes Jeff out with a powerslam to make it 3 on 3. Rey wants some, which seems unwise. Braun catches him on the 619 & powerslams him for the elimination. Miz & Shane are left vs. Lashley/Drew/Braun. Well, now Shane is left vs. Raw. Of course he is. Shockingly enough, Shane doesn’t topple these three. He gets jobbed out as well, as he’s on SmackDown! It’s 4-0 or 4-1 but it really doesn’t matter because the party’s over.
Charlotte is wearing her SmackDown shirt. Shockingly Ronda doesn’t have the same amount of loyalty to her brand. They’re working some grappling & some UFC stuff early. Ronda even gets her mouth cut. The fans say it’s awesome. Ronda hits the Piper’s Pit and tries to go into the armbar, but Charlotte fights it off. There’s been a lot of other stuff going on, but I’ve been trying to fight off sleep so I dunno. OK. They actually disqualified Charlotte for hitting Ronda with a kendo stick on the outside. Michael Cole is outraged because they were having a five-star match. I don’t know what the hell is going on here. I do see the fans starting to align behind Charlotte, which is pretty great. If Charlotte has been infected by the actions of her former best friend, and is acting out to get on her good side, I am in full support. That appears to be what has happened here.
To me, this was Charlotte Flair trying to get on Becky Lynch’s level. The fact the announcers didn’t pick up on it at all makes me wonder. There’s a discrepancy between what the announcers were selling and what it came off as to me & most of the people I saw online. I’m not sure what to make of that. Either that was on purpose and to get Charlotte on the same page with Becky, or WWE really has no idea what the hell is going on.
To conclude the evening, we have Daniel Bryan doing whatever he can not to work the crowd. Fantastic. I’m hoping this ends with Bryan also being represented by Paul Heyman and everybody raising each other’s hands. Might as well troll the crowd all the way, right? So what we get is Bryan stalling for awhile, Brock finally hitting a suplex, and then going to Suplex City so we can try to break the guy’s neck. And this has been going on for awhile. Who actually thought this was a good idea?
After a couple hours of suplexes, we got a low blow from Bryan and a knee for a two count. Now Bryan’s working a comeback, and the fans are kinda buying in, but we’re all sitting here listening to the announcers working up this underdog stuff & saying “HE’S A GODDAMN HEEL, MOTHERFUCKER!” Seriously. Bryan’s doing all this babyface shit now and it’s working, but “HE’S A GODDAMN HEEL, MOTHERFUCKER!”. And Brock’s face turned crimson at least 10 minutes before the Yes Lock was applied. Fortunately, Brock was able to respond to all of Bryan’s offense with an F5 and a pinfall. The announcers are trying to put this over as something, but it really wasn’t.
Final Thought
Could you imagine being Fox & paying however much money you paid to air SmackDown next year and seeing this shit? Good Lord.
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