Csonka’s WWE Raw Review 8.01.16

Csonka’s WWE Raw Review 8.01.16

OFFICIAL RESULTS
– Charlotte and Chris Jericho defeated Sasha Banks and Enzo @ 10:00 via pin [**½]
– Braun Strowman defeated Evan BootsNTights @ 0:59 via pin [NR]
– The Shining Stars defeated The Golden Truth @ 2:00 via pin [NR]
– US Title Match: US Champion Rusev defeated Mark Henry @ 6:37 via submission [**]
– Titus O’Neil defeated Darren Young @ 3:58 via pin [*½]
– Nia Jax defeated Ariel Monroe @ 1:10 via pin [NR]
– New Day defeated The Club @ 1:21 via pin [NR]
– Cesaro defeated Sheamus @ 5:48 via pin [**¾]
– Jinder Mahal defeated Heath Slater @ 0:04 via pin [NR]
– Seth Rollins defeated Sami Zayn @ 11:40 via pin [***½]
– Brock Lesnar defeated Wellness @ Raw via Part Time Status [Suck It USADA]

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– We started with a “last week on Raw” video, which is the exact thing they should be doing every week.

Sasha Banks Talks: I was hoping that they would move away from the opening promo, but at least it’s not the authority figures; I can work with the new women’s champion kicking things off this week. Banks spoke about stealing the show last year over Summerslam weekend with Bayley and said she’d do it again this year, and keep her new title. Charlotte quickly interrupted, which is likely for the best because the opening section of her promo was rough. The crowd mocked Charlotte for tapping, but she promised to beat Banks at Summerslam to regain her title. Charlotte called Banks a “one night stand” champion, and Banks retaliated by saying Charlotte wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for a one night stand. And then, Chris Jericho came out and said quite 321 times. Jericho put over Charlotte by saying she’s done more than Ric Flair ever did and in a shorter time. This whole thing really feels as if they did not trust the ladies to talk for any real length of time. They were rough, but it will never happen for them if they don’t get the chance. And then Enzo arrived, solo, and hit on Banks (well he said he wanted to fuck her, as he spoke about making a deposit via the Bank Statement). Charlotte said that Enzo’s sex life was soft, they said “how you doin” about 25 times. This was extremely odd and long, and then Mick Foley arrived. I think we all know how this is going to go…

Outside of a few laughs, this wasn’t good; this went way too long, it felt as if they were filling time and that they didn’t trust the women to talk. It was a 20-minute opening segment, so two weeks in, we’re right back where we started.

– Kevin Owen is on commentary.

Charlotte and Chris Jericho vs. Sasha Banks and Enzo: Banks and Enzo dominated the opening portion (2:30 or so), sending Jericho and Charlotte to the floor and then hitting suicide dives to send us to commercial. Post break, Jericho worked the heat on Enzo. Enzo eventually avoided a bulldog, and after some back and forth Jericho again took control and got the walls, but Enzo got the ropes. Enzo went for a high cross, buy Jericho took him out with a dropkick. The ladies tagged in and Banks ran wild on Charlotte, scoring a near fall off the corner knees. Banks statement followed, Dane Brooke ran out and caused a distraction. Banks survived, slapped Jericho, but Charlotte hit natural selection for the win. As I figured, Charlotte gets her win back in the tag match, as WWE doesn’t like their top people appearing as losers, so they tend to get the win back rather quickly. Thankfully it was done with distraction and heelish actions and not a straight up loss. The match was solid stuff, the beginning was better, but the second half suffers because it’s a mixed tag, so you really lose that hot tag and drama that you get from a regular tag match.

– Post match, Jericho hit Enzo with the code breaker; Cass came out to run off the heels.

Braun Strowman vs. Evan BootsNTights: Saxton interviewed Evan BootsNTights (Corey Hollis), who said that he took the match because he gets $1,000, but that if he wins, he gets $5,000. Strowman destroyed him in just under a minute; it was exactly what it needed to be.

– Stephanie and Mick are best friends, and having a great talk backstage. Mark Henry, who still as a job, is going to be their ambassador to the summer Olympics in Rio. He wants to re-open the hall of pain, but Stephanie and Mick want him to be a mentor. He says that they are wrong; he is the strongest man, a former Olympian and a former world champion. He wants one more run, so Foley gives him a title shot at Rusev. So Mark Henry, who hasn’t had a role on TV of any significance in ages, gets a title shot. Well it makes no sense, but Rusev should destroy him so that’s cool.

– Truth and Goldust play more Pokemon Go.

The Shining Stars vs. The Golden Truth: This match was set up last week when the Golden Truth cost the Shining Stars a match, because they were walking through the arena and playing Pokemon Go. That’s not a joke. So the stars got the heat on Goldust, while Truth was too busy laying Pokemon Go on the apron. Goldust managed to make a comeback, Truth tried to catch a Pokemon, Goldust dove for a tag and Truth moved to “grab a Pokemon,” leading to the Stars getting the win. Well, they managed to make it even worse than last week. The actual wrestling was bland and a background for the bullshit Pokemon finish. I hope WWE’s getting some cash for mentioning the game so much.

MEET FINN BALOR: I am really surprised that they are doing an in ring promo here, I thought that they would do a sit down interview pre-taped/deluxe video with comments from him. His weakness has been live promos, so we’ll see how they handle this. Well he got about 20-seconds to talk before Rollins interrupted. He sent Cole packing and took over the segment. Rollins would compliment Balor, and then explain how he did similar things but only better, and did so in a completely condescending way. Balor claimed he would beat Rollins and win the Universal Title. Rollins insulted the Braves, which led to a Tomahawk chop from the crowd. Rollins claimed Raw was his show, and Balor said everywhere he went there was a guy like Rollins, and everywhere he went he beat that man and took his spot. Balor promised to hand Rollins his ass at Summerslam, Rollins tried to attack and Balor sent him packing. Overall I liked this, Balor did well in his first major promo segment on the main roster and sounded confident. It wasn’t a homerun, but overall a good first step to hype the match at Summerslam.

– Lana, dressed like a bride, introduced Rusev.

US Champion Rusev vs. Mark Henry: I hope Rusev isn’t too tired from the honeymoon. Henry is wearing his USA gear. This was a straight up hoss battle here, with Henry tossing Rusev around early. Henry kept control as we took a commercial break. Post break, Rusev was in control and went for the accolade, but Henry stopped him and fought out. Henry fired up with clotheslines, but ate a heel kick. Superkick to the back of the head by Rusev followed, and the accolade was applied and Henry tapped. This was fine for what it was, which was to get Rusev another victory. Mark Henry, you have failed this country.

– Post match Rusev ran down Henry and America, and then claimed the US wins at the Olympics because they are rigged by banning real athletes. No man can take his US Title, because he is the super athlete. Roman Reigns then appeared and made his way to the ring for a standoff. They brawled, with Reigns sending Rusev out f the ring. Reigns followed and connected with the Superman punch on the floor. Well, there’s our Summerslam US Title match, which I am fine with. It gives Reigns a chance to step back down the card, and they have had good matches in the past.

– We get a Nia Jax video package.

Darren Young w/Bob Backlund vs. Titus O’Neil: O’Neil gets the jobber entrance for the epic clash of the Primetime Players. O’Neil controlled early, using his power advantage and tossing Young around. O’Neil was completely dominating here for around three minutes while Backlund looked sad. Young started to fight back, but O’Neil got a cradle with the tights to pick up the win. This was a bland match, where O’Neil took 90% of and then won to seemingly set the stage for a heel turn. Apparently they are done trying to make Darren Young great again, and I don’t blame him, he’s perfectly average in every way. Titus needs something new to do, but they have a lot of repair work to do with both guys to make anyone really care.

– Stephanie gave Foley a tablet to get him with the times. Sheamus arrives, and was insulted that he did not get a US title shot. Cesaro then arrived and after some arguing, Foley booked a match between them; the winner gets a future title shot.

– Backlund bitched out Titus backstage for cheating. Titus threatened to KO Backlund, which led to Young attacking to protect his life coach.

Nia Jax vs. Ariel Monroe: Monroe made the mistake of trying to do moves, this failed as Jax destroyed her and won with a front slam, covering with one foot. I like the change of finishers. Much like the Strowman match, this is exactly what it needed to be. Jax still needs work, but she has a good presence in the ring. Lets get her some Aja Kong and Awesome Kong comp DVDs and lock her in room for a few weeks.

– Sami Zayn promised to defeat Seth Rollins later tonight.

– As New Day made their way to the ring, we see footage of last week’s attack from the Club. The Club wanted a match with New Day tonight, but demanded the third man be forced to stay backstage. They picked fruit to see who would stay backstage, and of course they picked a banana and two oranges and looked to make a dick joke. Woods drew the banana, and won’t wrestle, and is sad because he can’t perform in front of his parents. They hyped BootyOs and danced.

New Day (Kofi and Big E) vs. The Club (Gallows and Anderson): They are announcing The Club as just “Gallows and Anderson.” The Club controlled, isolating Big E and not allowing Kofi to get a tag. Gallows and Anderson went to too sweet, and Big E rolled up Anderson for the win. Post match the Club beat down New Day, Woods tried to make the save but got taken out. They hit the boot of doom on Big E two times and stood tall. Woods again fought back, but he also got beaten down. They also crotched Big E on the post to close out the segment, standing tall after they got beat like goofs. The post match destruction is all well and good, but the Club look like fools losing in 90-seconds, especially since they had no excuse. It’s a fine way to get heat on the Club, but they would have been better off just doing a brawl, DQ, and then the beat down.

Cesaro vs. Sheamus: They decided to beat the hell out of each other right away, trading uppercuts and setting a nice intensity. Sheamus bailed during the uppercut train but ate a cannonball off the apron. They brawled on the floor, with Sheamus posting Cesaro and then slamming him to the apron to take control. Sheamus worked a pretty good heat, but once he took full control the intensity really dropped. That’s an issue I have with him, I like Sheamus, but he needs to do little things to keep the intensity that he starts matches with. Sheamus was controlling, but Cesaro then countered a slam and went right into the neutralizer for the win. That was a slick finish. This was pretty good overall, nice action with a clean finish, no real complaints.

https://twitter.com/DeathToAllMarks/status/760299893072232448

Jinder Mahal vs. Heath Slater: When we came back from the break, Sheamus and Cesaro were being pulled apart after a brawl. And then Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal were in the ring. He claimed that 2MB would set Raw on fire. This brought out Mick Foley, who informed them that they were not on the Raw roster. Foley says that they get to wrestle right now, in their street clothes, and the winner gets a Raw contract. The bell rang and Jinder dropped Slater with a big kick, and that was that. You can’t hinder Jinder kids. The running gag with Slater is amusing, not sure about Mahal coming back (he never impressed me in his first run), but we’ll see what happens this time around.

– We get a backstage interview with Chris Jericho. He ran down Enzo and Cass, and then claimed that he had someone to watch his back. When pressed as to who it was, he didn’t have a real person’s name to give. Kevin Owens arrived, and said that he had Jericho’s back.

Seth Rollins vs. Sami Zayn: they worked a solid back and forth, and then went to the floor where Zayn ht the moonsault off the barricade. Rollins battled back and sent Zayn to the barricade a few times; back in the ring Rollins took control. Zayn tried to fight back, but he got crotched and sent to the floor and we took a commercial break. Post break, Rollins was still in control. Zayn got hope spots, but Rollins kept cutting him off. Rollins hit the buckle bomb, but Zayn fired back with a desperation lariat. After the double down, Zayn started to gain some momentum, hitting a Michinoku driver and blue thunder bomb for near falls. They did a great job of picking up the pace and getting some great heat from the crowd, as this felt like the most important thing on the show so far. Zayn scored with a dive back in Rollins ducked the helluva kick, and that led to a pedigree and win for Rollins. That was a really fun back and forth match, easily the best on the show and Zayn was given a lot. We knew he would lose, which is fine because of Rollins being in a Summerslam title match, but he looked great in there.

BROCK TALK: Heyman is in the ring to introduce himself. He knows everyone is waiting for Lesnar, and introduced him. Heyman hyped the Summerslam match with Orton, noting that Lesnar will entertain the fans by bringing the violence. He then said that Lesnar is here and the new era has to step up to him. Heyman puts over Orton a bit, and says that people claim Orton is one RKO away from beating Orton. He mocked Orton’s voices in his head, and claimed Lesnar would take Orton to Suplex City and beat his ass at Summerslam. Heyman claimed that Orton would never hit an RKO on Lesnar. And then Randy Orton appeared and hit the RKO OUTTA NOWHERE. Orton bailed as referees, security, Stephanie and Foley came out. Lesnar eventually got to his feet, and was not pleased. The crowd loved Orton hitting the RKO. I know that some will complain about Orton being on Raw and WWE “already ruining the brand split,” but in this case I think it is fine. The match was made before the draft, the draft made it a cross branded match, and you have to build it up. As long as this is not a regular thing (and I have my doubts as well) this is fine for this week.

– End scene.

– Thanks for reading.

“Byyyyyyyyyyyyyye Felicia.”

6.0

The final score: review Average

The 411

I don’t think any one expected a show on last week’s level, and we didn’t get one. This felt like an average show with them using a lot of the same old stuff they always do with a bit of build for Summerslam. It was fine.