Down With The Brown: WCW SuperBrawl VI (1996)

“If the choice is between doing something and doing nothing, always choose something.”

I picked up the Clerks X disc last week and have plowed through most of the movie and commentaries already which is not usually something I do, it usually takes me a week, a week and a half to watch a movie and its commentary, but I was bored and a tad depressed, yet when I got to the scene at the end where Randall dumps on Dante for letting life happen to him rather than making life happen, it lifted me up, got me off my ass, and I ended up doing something with my life, and I was all the happier for it.

Of course, here I am a week later, watching wrestling and writing about it, so now I kinda wonder if I really learned anything.

The point is, the Clerks X DVD is great, even if you already have the original (it contains the original commentary plus a brand new one where they spend WAY too much time talking about Kevin Smith’s naked mother.) It may also be the first commentary to have people actually EATING during it and making no attempt to hide the fact that they are doing so.

And in the weeks to come, in a way, inspired by Mr. Smith and his low budget film, I will be slowly selling off most of my wrestling collection: tapes, magazines, and the like as well as some old tapes and comic books. I’m starting to realize I’m not getting any younger, and if I’m going to do what I want with my life, I’m gonna need a little more cash and a lot less stuff sitting in my closet. I’ll have more details in my next column.

Okay, let’s get to things. I was prepared to review some random tape I had dug up, but I received a shipment of PPVs and tapes I had never seen before, including some good old WCW stuff which you may have picked up on during the title. We’re looking at SuperBrawl 1996, and I picked this tape solely because A) this was on the verge of the nWo invasion when WCW was near creatively bankruptcy and B) I have absolutely NO clue what the hell the card was. I know there is one infamous moment on here, but that’s all I know of. So I’m going into this show completely cold.

1996 was the year that I stopped watching wrestling in a fanatical manner (it was also the year I got engaged, I’m not sure if the two are related. And man, now some of you are probably wondering how freakin’ old AM I. I was too young, and I figured that out before it was too late. I’ll say that much and move on.)

The point is, the only wrestling I watched in 1996 was the nWo stuff. It took the Hart-Austin Survivior Series match to slowly suck me back in, and by the time Austin started running roughshod at Rumble ‘97, I was hooked back in again. There just wasn’t anything either group was doing to really pique my interest, so we’re taking a look back at what I missed.

Here we go:

We’re live in St. Petersburg, Florida, and good Lord, do I feel bad for people who live in Florida. This coming from a guy who lives in Tornado Alley, but I think it’s almost worse to have a week’s notice that your house not only may be destroyed, but if it wasn’t, it may be two weeks later. At least with tornadoes, you got about an hour to get it out of your system. Your hosts are Tony Schiavonne, Bobby Heenan, and Dusty Rhodes. Tony calls WCW the #1 wrestling organization, and they were about four months from being truthful about it.

Match #1

Public Enemy vs. The Nasty Boys

I always felt PE got a rather bad rap. I was never fans of theirs, but I feel they got a lot dumped on them for being one of the first major ECW talents to go to WCW. They had medium success, got trashed in ECW, then went on to partake in one of the weirdest WWF angles I can recall as they got in a “Everybody Hates Us” angle where wrestlers wouldn’t wrestle them, refs would be biased against them, and they’d lose every match by some kind of bogus reason. And then they were fired. PE got vilified for jumping in 1995, but meanwhile the Dudley Boyz get a party when they jumped to the WWF in 1999.

This is a Street Fight and I fail to remember what the issue these two teams had, but it’s no holds barred. The Nasties had a classic Street Fight with Foley and Maxx Payne two years earlier and they are looking to create similar magic here. Rocco goes through a table three minutes in which was pretty far ahead of its time. (Nash would powerbomb HBK through a table three months later in the first major WWF table spot in comparison, and that BLEW people away since HBK, you know, didn’t bounce up after five seconds.) This match suffers from too much too soon. I count about fifteen chair shots, five table shots, eight trash can lid shots and countless punches in about a five minute period, and NONE of it is sold for more than eight seconds. And such a blatant disregard is kind of hard to accept (one reason why I hated Sandman matches.) Knobs gets the win when Rock misses a somersault off the mid-level onto a table which he just about misses and he sells that pretty much because I think he’s really hurt and the Nasties get the win. This brawl was still pretty much ahead of its time but can’t hold a candle to the Spring Stampede Brawl.

Match #2

Johnny B. Badd vs. “Diamond” Dallas Page (All or Nothing Match)

This was just about the last hurrah for Johnny B. Badd who would be in the WWF less than two months after this match. Badd of course is also known as Marc Mero who is more famous for having a hot wife and for being seriously disliked by Mick Foley than for anything else. (Though he is one of the few men to have two different Playmates as valets so that’s pretty impressive too.) The deal here is that DDP had inherited millions of dollars but lost the services of the Diamond Doll, so he puts up all of his money ($6 million) against Badd and the Doll (Kimberly.) I know I’m thinking too much about this, but if I’m going to legitimately risk six MILLION dollars in a wrestling match, I damn sure better be main eventing the damn thing, not being one step away from curtain jerking. I never really was a fan of DDP, though even I had nothing but pity over his horrid stay in the WWF.

Badd throws frisbees to the crowd and oh, while we’re at it….Mr. Badd has written a poem for us…….

BTW, only WCW could actually pull off making Kimberly Page look unattractive.

Anyway, if Badd wins, he wins $6 million dollars. That supposedly is a rational way of making this an interesting match.

A decent match that goes damn near 20 minutes with several near falls, I’ll say it’s a better match than I expected. Badd goes over by reversing a tombstone piledriver and wins the money. Of course with Badd jumping ship, it all became moot anyway, and Page would be starting a new feud with Brutus Beefcake and his eighth alter-ego, The Booti Man. (I saw eight in jest, but that may be about accurate.)

Badd gives a large cardboard check to Kimberly, who acts like she just got a check for eighty cents. I once got a check for $6,000. I couldn’t stop smiling the rest of the day. Hell, thinking about it now gives me a warm fuzzy. Kim gets $6 million, jeez, at least PRETEND that it’s real.

Match #3

Harlem Heat vs. Sting & Lex Luger

I can’t watch a Gene Okerlund-Harlem Heat interview without remembering Gene forgetting which one was which at SuperBrawl V. Sting & Luger are the champs here and I get a smile as apparently nobody told Lex they had pyro as he gets startled by it. Three former World Champions and Stevie Ray. Man, I think Luger is drugged up as he stands in the wrong corner and then has a hard time figuring out where to go from there. Luger gets his ass kicked and then tags Sting grudgingly. Oh gee, you don’t smell a heel turn, do you? Not from Luger. Lex was about five years ahead of his time before turning heel and back twice a year wasn’t the standard. Luger gets his ass kicked when he’s in the ring and Sting destroys when he’s in the ring. Standard tag match with a really convoluted ending. Stevie Ray gets Luger in a backbreaker and Road Warrior Animal comes out (to just about zero reaction) and hits Stevie in the gut. Stevie gingerly puts Luger down and then falls backwards slowly so Luger can fall on him and so he can pin him.

Kinda odd to see the complete lack of reaction for The Road Warriors who granted were past their prime but they had at least one more good year in the WWF where they were better appreciated. Luger shocks everyone by not turning on anybody.

Match #4

Konnan vs. One Man Gang

There was a brief period in 1995 where One Man Gang was the U.S. Champion and fans everywhere thought “Huh? Isn’t he retired?” Gang had been a virtually non-factor in wrestling since his Twin Towers days in 1989 yet somehow he was given the second largest WCW title if only to serve as the lame duck for an even less over wrestler, Konnan, who of course was huge in Mexico, but never seemed to take off here until he started throwing out the catch phrases and doing music videos about how he “believed he was a bus” or something like that. WCW just happens to find the three fans happy to see Konnan and Gang slowly attacks to start things.

Dear God, watch the first two minutes of this match. Konnan’s offense is like watching a twelve year-old busting out moves on a Wrestling Buddy. He hits three awful dropkicks to the knee, almost blows a spinnning kick, and then botches a bodypress so badly that both men fall out of the ring with Gang falling on top of him. Gang tries to outscream Luger by yelling after hitting someone as well as when he gets hit. And the crowd is apathetic. It’s as if the Road Warriors stuck around from the last match.

Konnan then kindly screws up a hurricarana as Gang literally has to place Konnan’s feet ON his head so he can do the move. Konnan with more lame dropkicks as one is so off the mark even the crowd starts to turn on him. And wa…..wa….wait it gets worse!

Gang hits a splash on Konnan who apparently forgets to kick out so Gang pulls him up at two and nine-tenths. Gang sits on the second rope looking to hit a big splash and Konnan gets so gunshy he moves before Gang even leaps off the rope. Konnan runs to the top rope, promptly botches a somersault plancha with Gang having to guide him down and that gets the pin. I swear to God I’ve seen better executions of moves from backyard wrestling than I saw here. Those who know me know that to earn this mark, you gotta EARN it. DUD.

Match #5

Kevin Sullivan vs. Brian Pillman

I have ranted about Kevin Sullivan before. The guy is part genius, part absolute asshole. He took part in what I believe is one of the most sickening angles I have ever seen (a SMW angle where he bludgeons a Japanese wrestler who does one of the nastier blade jobs you’ll ever see) and then has the balls to do an angle that about 2% of the wrestling audience is going to understand. I’m gonna backpedal here. Brian Pillman was “Flyin’” for most of his WCW career but he got injured multiple times in the mid-90’s pretty much making him strictly a mat guy. Well, Pillman wasn’t the most thrilling brawler, so he took things a step further by turning into a complete nut, acting more and more bizarre at wrestling events and it worked well. Almost too well. One legendary moment had Pillman rough house Bobby Heenan who would scream out “What the f**k are you doing?!?!?” on national television. So anyway Pillman was going nuts, and his Four Horsemen buddies were getting tired of it. And so was Kevin Sullivan who was taking to whipping Pillman on TV to start a feud between them. Which led to this match.

This is an I Quit strap match where the match won’t end until somebody says just that. Pillman comes out with the strap and starts whipping Sullivan with it. This goes on for about forty-five seconds before Pillman grabs the mike and says “I respect you, bookerman.” And he walks.

Now this was HUGE for 1996. Remember there weren’t smart mark angles like this. People were wetting themselves when HBK collapsed in 1995, one of the inaugural pseudo-real angles, but here was Pillman telling the world that Kevin Sullivan was the booker of WCW. Now granted it was all a work to get Pillman over as a lunatic, but oddly the word “bookerman” is edited out of the broadcast here. Pillman walks and the crowd is just a tad confused by what the hell is going on. So Arn Anderson comes out and offers to finish the job. The two have a match but little is worth mentioning as Ric Flair comes out and tells them to stop fighting and join together so they can rid the world of Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. And they all embrace. Just a weird weird segment. And believe me, the reason you don’t see angles like this done this well is that few people could have pulled it off like Brian Pillman.

Match #6

Sting & Lex Luger vs. The Road Warriors

Ah, NOW I see why Luger didn’t turn. He has another match. I guess the Warriors won the right to wrestle the champs, and this puts Sting and Luger at a disadvantage since a) they already wrestled and b) Luger in 1996 had the stamina of Billy Gunn.

Ha! We don’t even go five seconds and Luger WALKS! Sting has to coax Lex into coming back but Lex doesn’t want to wrestle. Which is fine, I don’t want to see him wrestle either. Roadies dominate because, well, it’s in their contract that they do. I think it’s also in their contracts that they never win a title match either as all four men get counted out in an incredibly lazy performance by all involved. (Many called Sting & Luger vs. The Steiners in 1991 one of the best matches of the decade even with a screwjob ending, it’s not like these guys couldn’t have tried.) So everybody comes off looking stupid. The Warriors couldn’t beat two tired tag champs and Luger comes off as a puss, even moreso than usual.

Match #7

Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair (Steel Cage)

Flair spends most of his rant bitching about Hulk Hogan. I can’t blame him. I’d want revenge against the man that sent me into retirement too. Flair is with Woman who was certainly a hottie. And dirty old Gene takes a long look at her ass. Savage is with Elizabeth and man, does that seem wrong. It’s like watching Sonny & Cher perform that year after they got divorced. You just watch them and think “You obviously don’t like each other. Why are you pretending you do?” By the way, the ego of Hulk Hogan continues as Savage is the World Champion, and yet he’s STILL not in the main event. Michael Buffer calls him one half of the “MegaPowers.” Kinda thought that was a trademarked name.

Flair’s got some things to say to Elizabeth, namely “Let’s get it on.” Savage says “Ohhhhhhh noooooooo.” Flair stalls in the great tradition of Zybszko, and Woooo, is it boring. We finally get underway with a slugfest. The cage looks larger than the typical WCW cage, maybe a foot or two taller. History is made as the ref gets knocked out two minutes in, and it’s interesting to note that Flair intentionally beat up the ref and he’s back up in thirty seconds. Accidental ref bumps tend to equal upwards of three minutes. So I guess the more the intention, the less the impact. Savage eats the cage and no blade since it’s 1996 WCW. No blood in a cage = no bumps in a ladder match. Why bother? There are a few exceptions, but you expect blood in matches like these. Flair dominates the entire first seven or eight minutes as he’s relentless. But Flair decides to stop dominating and he heads to the top rope. Guess what happens next. And Savage continues the formula by applying the figure-four to Flair. Oh, the irony.

Flair grabs the top rope and the ref kicks it off. Not quite sure why. Savage lets go and falls down almost before Flair can chop him. Woman is screaming and is getting to be borderline more annoying than Sensational Sherri. Flair blows a top rope axehandle and Flair returns to dominate. But Savage rams Flair into the cage and I guess he blades because suddenly the camera won’t show Flair’s face anymore. Flair tries to escape but he falls off the cage and that gets two even though the bell rings prematurely. And this is getting ridiculous as the camera won’t show Flair’s face even though it’s clearly obvious it’s a trickle. Savage keeps pulling Flair’s tights down, damn near three times. Flair goes to the door and Elizabeth hands her shoe to Ric Flair, Flair bashes Savage with it, and he becomes what, the 45 time World Champion? The crowd erupts, as we crown the headless champion. But more importantly, Elizabeth turns heel, which may be the most idiotic heel turn possible. If there’s one expression she was incapable of, it was smarmy bitch. Savage sells the shot like he’d lost his eye as Hulk Hogan comes out to check on Savage, and maybe hope that Flair will offer a title shot right then and there, but Flair leaves. And the fans start a “Hogan Sucks” chant right off the bat. Oh, I think I’m looking forward to the main event.
Decent cage match, but nothing terribly spectacular, and the camera angles just made the whole thing almost irritating.

Match #8

Hulk Hogan vs. The Giant (Cage)

Hogan is sporting an eyepatch which I assume means he also got attacked by a shoe. I think the only thing more asinine than Hulk Hogan no-selling every hold known to man, is the fact when he DOES job to something, it’s a freakin’ high heel. Hogan’s taking on Paul Wight here, and you gotta give the guy credit, he’s one of the few giant men to make a legit career in wrestling. El Gigante, Ron Reiss, Giant Silva, Little John, all guys well over seven feet, none of whom had careers lasting more than four years. And here the future Big Show is almost nine years in the business now. And he was a rookie here, and he was able to hold himself pretty well, all things considered.

Anyway, Hogan’s got one eye which I guess is supposed to be a detriment, but 1996 Hogan could have no eyes, no arms and one leg, and he’d still be dismantling the whole company on his own. Ring announcer Michael Buffer actually references The Giant falling off the roof at Halloween Havoc and I’m not sure why. Once The Giant gets in the cage, I understand why the cage is bigger. By the way, Hogan is the “King of Hulkamania.” On that same note, I am the “King of Sydneybrownia.” The Giant looks rather small, his build is almost the same as Hogan’s. Heenan brings up the whole “Andre’s son” connection. Lord, I was hoping they were past that.

Hogan dominates with punches, chokes, and backrakes, but he tries to slam Giant, and Giant takes control. And the “Hogan Sucks” chant kicks in. The patch comes off, and Giant dominates. Hogan Hulks up after Giant misses an elbow, and I tell you, he wasn’t even trying anymore. This was the period where he’d Hulk up at random times, often several times in one match. By the way, I just now realized, there’s no ref. WTF? No pinfall in this one, but Flair gets the pin in the last match? Giant with a bearhug and a chokeslam. And we get Hulk up number 2. Now see if you can follow this. Giant chokeslams Hogan, goes for the door. He turns around and sees Hogan get up, and he just stands there. JUST WALK THROUGH THE DOOR! Hogan slams Giant, hits three legsrops, but Giant gets up. Hogan tries to escape and the Giant follows. Giant falls off the cage and Hogan escapes. Kevin Sullivan attacks with a chair, but Hogan no-sells that too. The entire Dungeon of Doom attack. EIGHT MEN, mind you, and Hogan destroys them all with a chair. Hogan beats EIGHT MEN singlehandedly. Now, if you’ve got a stable of wrestlers, and one guy can whip all eight of you, it better because your contract’s expiring.

And out from the locker room comes one giant mistake, Loch Ness, the 600 lb. guy who was so fat and immobile, he couldn’t do an elbowdrop without using the ropes for support. He was supposed to be the next challenger for Hogan, but nobody actually bothered to see him wrestle, and once they did, that idea was nixed. As stupid as WCW was, there actually were SOME guys that even THEY wouldn’t push. The heels all hold Loch Ness back, I’m thinking to make sure he doesn’t tip over and Hogan poses. Blah match.

End of show.

Well, what can I say? I went into this with rather low expectations, and those expectations were met. Nothing terribly impressive here, even the Savage-Flair cage match couldn’t hit the *** mark, though it was the best match on the card. I hesitate to say, I was most impressed with the Badd-DDP match since I REALLY expected it to suck. The Pillman angle wasn’t all that thrilling (and it being edited didn’t help.) If you’re gonna get a copy, try to get the PPV version, not the Turner one. Or better yet, spend your cash on something else.

Thumbs down, not recommended, C-.

-Sydney Brown