wrestling / TV Reports
Hawke’s WrestleMania 35 Review
Image Credit: WWE
Loading...April 7, 2019
East Rutherford, New Jersey
Buddy Murphy vs. Tony Nese
This was for Murphy’s Cruiserweight Championship.
The biggest issue with this match was that it just came across as a regular WWE style match. If the WWE is going to go to the trouble of having a separate 205 division (let alone separate show!), they need to find a way in which to present the wrestlers in a way that makes them stand out.
If you go back and watch WCW Cruiserweight matches, part of the reason why it made such an impression was that the wrestlers worked much differently. This match though was just WWE style with two small guys who are stuck on a show that might as well be called Minor League Live. The fans did not care beyond a handful of cooler-than-average-movez in the second half of the match.
It’s nice that the wrestlers tried hard on the biggest show of the year. That alone does not a good match make though. [Nese won via Running Nese.] (**1/2)
Battle Royal
Asuka vs. Candice LeRae vs. Carmella vs. Dana Brooke vs. Ember Moon vs. Kairi Sane vs. Lana vs. Liv Morgan vs. Mandy Rose vs. Maria Kanellis vs. Mickie James vs. Naomi vs. Nikki Cross vs. Ruby Riott vs. Sarah Logan vs. Sonya Deville vs. Zelina Vega
This was a battle royal.
There was not much to this battle royal, as there were not a ton substantive mini-stories to get invested in. They did however work at a fast clip which made it light and easy to watch. Carmella winning was a bizarre choice though. (**1/2)
The Revival (Dash Wilder & Scott Dawson) vs. Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder
This was for The Revival’s Raw Tag Team Championship.
They took an absolutely bizarre path for this match. The first 80-90% of the match was The Revival dominating The Edge Heads, and it felt like it was going on for the longest time. Given that the match was a recent addition to the card, it seems logical to think that such a slow and methodical match would be a poor idea.
To the wrestlers’ credit though, the extended beatdown did at least cause the crowd to become heavily invested in the closing stretch of the match. It was well executed, and the surprise Hawkins win came off well and ended the contest on a nice note. It couldn’t happen to two more mediocre wrestlers! (**3/4)
Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Ali vs. Andrade vs. Apollo Crews vs. Bobby Roode vs. Bo Dallas vs. Braun Strowman vs. Chad Gable vs. Colin Jost vs. Curtis Axel vs. EC3 vs. Gran Metalik vs. Harper vs. Heath Slater vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Jinder Mahal vs. Kalisto vs. Karl Anderson vs. Konnor vs. Lince Dorado vs. Luke Gallows vs. Matt Hardy vs. Michael Che vs. No Way Jose vs. Otis vs. Rhyno vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Titus O’Neil vs. Tucker vs. Tyler Breeze vs. Viktor
This was the Andre the Giant Memorial battle royal.
Being forced to choose between Colin Jost and Braun Strowman at the end is yet the latest reminder that being a professional wrestling fan is an exercise in masochism. Look at this. Look at us. Look what they make you give. (*)
Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Seth Rollins
This was for Brock’s Universal Championship.
Whatever.
Bryan and Balor got very close in Brock’s last two defenses, and they both started their matches much differently than Brock had grown accustomed to in recent years. Bryan stalled and played mind games. Balor took it Brock immediately. Both approaches eventually had Brock on his heels and playing catch-up in matches where he was the heavy favorite.
Naturally, you would expect for Rollins to follow a similar approach given how close they both got (with Balor’s quick-start strategy being the natural choice of attack). Brock did not let that happen though, and he jumped Rollins instead.
Things started off intriguingly and a foundation was established to produce something great.
Then Rollins used a low blow to even things up before connecting on three straight Curb Stomps to win.
Whatever. None of this matters anyway. (*)
AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton
Given that Randy Orton was in a non-gimmick singles match here, this match had a fatal flaw that too few were discussing coming into the contest. The issue was that AJ Styles is AJ Styles and not Christian Cage in 2011.
Once you realize that AJ Styles, once again – and I cannot emphasize this enough, is *NOT* Christian Cage in 2011, you understand that there was nothing that could be done to make this match interesting or fun to watch. It simply would just exist in a space that where no other comment is necessary.
You may me thinking that this match was Actually Good for any number of reasons. They did finisher teases. They did finisher kickouts. There was a dive to the floor. There was a light “This is Awesome!” chant. There was even a distinct lack of apathy from the crowd. I assure you though that the pure soullessness of Randy Orton the professional wrestler renders all of that moot.
And of course the bigger issue once against that AJ Styles is not Christian Cage in 2011. (**3/4)
The Usos (Jey Uso & Jimmy Uso) vs. Aleister Black & Ricochet vs. Rusev & Shinsuke Nakamura (w/Lana) vs. The Bar (Cesaro & Sheamus)
This was for the Usos’ Smackdown Tag Team Championship.
They did the best thing they could for the match given the time restraints and just made it a lively sprint. The only way it could have been more given the situation was to just formally make it tornado tag rules so it could have been non-stop chaos. It was good enough though such as it was. The lack of Ricochet doing the handspring backflip into a no-hands Airplan Spin from Cesaro felt like a ripoff though. [The Uses hit the Double Uce on Sheamus to win.] (***)
Shane McMahon vs. The Miz
This was a falls count anywhere match.
The Fail Sons Explode!
The Miz clearly did everything in his power in an attempt to make this work. His physical effort and facial expressions were those of a man who takes pride in what he does despite the absurdity of the scenario.
It certainly went on for way too long and very little (if anything beyond Miz’s commitment to overachieving in this business) could be objectively considered Actually Good about any of it. None of this needed to be happening or should have been happening. But once you accept the premise of it, you can at least appreciate the hilarity of one of the most obvious crash pad landings in WWE history. [Shane accidentally won. This feud must continue?] (**)
The Boss ‘N’ Hug Connection (Bayley & Sasha Banks) vs. Beth Phoenix & Natalya vs. Nia Jax & Tamina vs. The IIconics (Billie Kay & Peyton Royce)
This was for the Women’s Tag Team Championship.
This was fine, but there were probably just too many not-good wrestlers in there to give this all that much of a chance. The second half of the match really lost a ton of energy in the second half of the match which caused the whole thing to come off flat. Having the decision come on a “steal the pin” spot did not help. We shall see if Billie and Peyton’s reign can recover from this less-than-impressive start. (**)
Daniel Bryan (w/Rowan) vs. Kofi Kingston (w/Big E & Xavier Woods)
This was for Bryan’s WWE Championship.
What a pleasant surprise this all turned out to be.
Bryan was trying to use his technical wrestling advantage to maintain control. Kofi naturally countered with some high-flying maneuvers. Bryan was ready for one of Kofi’s big dive attempts, and it caused Kofi to crash and burn.
From there, Bryan methodically worked over Kofi. While this was not the most scintillating control segment ever, it did effectively establish a number of counters that Bryan had ready for Kofi and clearly showcase that Bryan was much better in the ring.
Kofi hung in there and eventually made his comeback. They did an excellent job of teasing the win before they finally delivered on it. The match was an excellent combination of broad emotion-based WWE in-ring storytelling with a ton of a small details along the way that made it all the more satisfying.
History tells us that Kofi’s title reign will go absolutely terribly, but he at least got to win the title in one of the better Wrestlemania WWE Championship matches ever. (****)
Samoa Joe vs. Rey Mysterio
This was for Joe’s United States Championship.
There is a genuinely great need for professional wrestling to establish incredibly short matches as being normal. Hiromu Takahashi vs. KUSHIDA established how to do just that very well in 2017. Instead, this was presented as an afterthought. Terrible. (1/4*)
Drew McIntyre vs. Roman Reigns
Sadly, this ended up being a quite flaccid battle. Given that the story had some personal animosity involved and both guys’ willingness from time to time to get really physical, this had all the makings of a hidden gem to really round out a big card nicely. Instead, it perpetually felt as if it was “just there.”
Roman’s eventual conquering of Drew cleanly did not come across as a major accomplishment or hurdle overcome but rather as an inevitable eventuality for which no drama could even be conveyed in an obligatory manner. That was an annoying way of saying this felt like a glorified squash. (**)
Dave Batista vs. Triple H
This was a no holds barred match. The loser would have to retire.
Listen, this was never going to be good. HHH objectively had one of worst ace runs in wrestling history. In recent years, HHH has gone from being overpushed to completely physically over thehill. If his biggest weakness for years was in his artistic merit (or lack thereof), his recent output has revealed that he simply cannot physically “go” anymore. He’s no longer *just* creatively frustrating, he’s also added total immobility to his game!
Much like the big Australia match with Undertaker, this match showcased WWE at its absolute most delusional. HHH could not go anymore. Dave was 50 coming into this and five years since his last match. And they treated this as if it was still both men were in their prime.
A match where older legends have to take a bunch of shortcuts *can* actually make for a great story! Mick Foley genuinely had a number of great matches four years and onward in WWE after his retirement because his presentation did not feel phony and inauthentic.
HHH will never go away, and he will never allow himself to be presented as anything but the best. Dave should have known better in deciding his retirement match, but if this is what he wanted than this limp ending is what he deserved. (3/4*)
Kurt Angle vs. Baron Corbin
This was Kurt Angle’s retirement match.
It is possible to give a completely immobile wrestling legend an exciting and satisfying farewell. This was more just an excuse for Kurt Angle to go in the ring one final time. It was short and sour with the lone highlight being Kurt coming up empty on a moonsault one final time.
Kurt’s career was a weird one. He broke a lot of wrestling’s conventional wisdom. He was pretty much great right away which almost never happens. While most wrestlers become smarter performers over time, Angle seemingly got dumber and started to rely on increasingly unsatisfying finisher trading closing stretches during his prime TNA run.
Goodbye, Kurt Angle. I hope you have enough money to not have to do a Hulkamania World Tour in a year and then do a Jay Lethal feud in ROH. (*)
Finn Balor vs. Blaster Lashley (w/ Lio Rush)
This was for Lashley’s Intercontinental Championship.
Much like the Joe/Rey match earlier in the show, the mere fact that this match was brief was not in it of itself an issue. The presentation of the match though made it seem like it not short by design but like an actually long match was chopped down in the editing room. It completely prevents someone from getting invested in the contest which was why it was greeted with silence. [Balor won cleanly.] (*1/2)
Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Ronda Rousey
This was for Charlotte’s Smackdown Women’s Championship and Ronda’s Raw Women’s Championship.
The accidental rise of Becky Lynch in the fall of 2018 was so perfect, and it was clear that Becky vs. Ronda was the top program to do for Wrestlemania. Unlike the accidental Kofi Kingston rise in the last couple of months though, the rise of Becky Lynch had a serious problem. It happened at a point to give WWE enough time to fuck it up. And they always fuck it up. As great as Charlotte Flair is, she did not need to be inserted into this particular program. It was like the 2004 main event all over again.
Now, they could have made up for it all here in the actual match. There certainly was enough talent in the ring to have a great match ten times over. It just really did not happen here for some reason. The effort was definitely there, and there were some individual moments that were cool. It just did not come together like you would expect.
Then the finish went and happened, and it was as unsatisfying as all could be. Many will take their off the ball and argue about “WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?!?!?!” That misses the whole point. The point is that it DID happen. If anything the wet fart nature of the finish was the perfect way to conclude the WWE push of Becky Lynch. They have no idea what they are doing, and they probably never will. (**1/2)
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