Hawke’s WWE Fastlane 2017 Review – Vroom Vroom

Some recent WWE TV coverage.
Good: AJ Styles vs. Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena, The Big Show vs. Braun Strowman, Nikki Bella vs. Natalya, Bayley vs. Charlotte, Jack Gallagher vs. TJ Perkins vs. Noam Dar vs. Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali, AJ Styles vs. The Miz vs. Baron Corbin vs. Dean Ambrose, Tyler Bate vs. Trent Seven

Eh: Samoa Joe vs. Cesaro, #SDLive Battle Royal

Bad: Samoa Joe vs. Roman Reigns, John Cena vs. Randy Orton

We interrupt this review to invite you to check this link out if you’re interested in the fight against the rise of fascism!

Milwaukee, Wisconsin
March 5, 2017

Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Austin Aries, Byron Saxton

Akira Tozawa & Rich Swann vs. Noam Dar & The Brian Kendrick

It’s not that hard to figure out. Until the audiences get to know and like the characters that populate the cruiser division, they need to do crazy matches that do not go too long at all. This match wasted too much time following WWE tag team match formula. A hot comeback from Swann and Tozawa nearly saved the match, but they needed to get down to business sooner. (**3/4)

Samoa Joe vs. Sami Zayn

This was fine. It was basically an extended squash for Joe. It was not a particularly boring match or anything like that. It just never really got out of second gear, and it was hard to care about it as a result. The quest for Orion’s Belt continues for Samoa Joe. (**1/2)

The Club (Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson) vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass

This was for The Club’s Raw Tag Team Championship.

This was a really plodding match (on a show full of them so far). The heat segment killed the match unfortunately as there was no energy or spark to it whatsoever. The final minutes had a bit more pop luckily, but it was nowhere near good enough to compensate for the dull journey to get there. (**1/4)

Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax

This was a really dragged out version of their much more fun match at the Rumble. It just seemed to go on and on for no reason whatsover. Nia Jax is FAR from useless in the ring, but giving her a slightly extended match where she’s on top for 90+% of the match was an absolutely terrible idea. Sasha won via fruit roll-up. (**)

Jinder Mahal vs. Cesaro

This was insanely long and boring. I have no idea what they were thinking here with giving this so much time. No one cared about, and it’s unclear why anyone could have reasonably expected anyone to care about it. What the fuck. Cesaro won with the pop-up European. (*1/2)

Rusev vs. The Big Show

Who the fuck did Rusev piss off?  This was the longest match in the history of professional wrestling. I’m convinced it’s actually not over yet and still going on somewhere. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???? (DUD)

Neville vs. Jack Gallagher

This was for Neville’s WWE Cruiserweight Championship.

This was yet another match on the 2017 Fastlane show that just seemingly went on forever and forever. There were a handful of fine spots sprinkled throughout to give this moments of life at times. Neville has no idea how to control a match in a compelling manner though.

Everything on this show has been stretched out, and it’s killing the potential of everything. It’s honestly kind of remarkable. Neville won with Red Arrow. (**1/4)

Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman

This match was okay, but, once again, a match on this Fastlane show suffered badly because the first two thirds of the battle were so boring for no reason whatsoever.

The go-home stretch was structured well and finally caused the match to come alive. Everything before it was too methodical and one-sided though. It didn’t need to be at all, and the match suffered overall as a result.

This was not terrible at least, and they have a great match in them. Roman won cleanly via spear. (**3/4)

Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair

This was for Bayley’s Raw Women’s Championship.

These two threatened to get going a handful of times, but this was one of the more awkward outings that these two have ever had together.

More shocking than the smoothness (or lack thereof) of the match though was that Charlotte lost her PPV streak in this nondescript match after Sasha Banks interfered.

That came off quite flat and was an exceptionally poor way of ending Charlotte’s streak. Oh well. This was fine as a match though. (**3/4)

Kevin Owens vs. Goldberg

This was for Owen’s Universal Championship.

Big Kev stalled forever. He was finally ready to go, the bell rang, and Chris Jericho came out to successfully distract Kev. Goldberg then speared Kev and gave him a jackhammer to win the belt. This did not really help anyone. (*)

We end this review with a reminder to check this link out if you’re interested in the fight against the rise of fascism!

2.0

The final score: review Very Bad

The 411

I have no idea what happened on this show. I usually find WWE PPVs to be quite watchable with 2-3 matches at least that I enjoy. This was an incredibly flat and sleepy show though and really made the Raw product seem cold as fuck. Skip his show.