Jack Likes Wrestlemania But Can’t Be Doing With All These McMahons: Wrestlemania 2000

WRESTLEMANIA 2000

The build to this event was highlighted by a marathon eight hour long preview show, which genuinely sounds like my favourite way to spend a day. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are on commentary again, and Lillian Garcia makes her Wrestlemania debut to belt out a terrific rendition of the national anthem.

MATCH 1- THE GODFATHER & D’LO BROWN VS. THE BIG BOSS MAN & BULL BUCHANAN

Legendary rapper Ice-T accompanies the Godfather and D’Lo to the ring, and informs us that pimpin’ ain’t pimpin’ ain’t easy man.

Godfather and Brown get off to a decent start to the match, with the latter breaking out the ol’ ten punches in the corner spot, but run into trouble when Bull Buchanan leaps to the top turnbuckle in one jump and comes off with a flying elbow to D’Lo! Wow! The rulebreakers work over D’Lo in not very exciting fashion. Lots of punching and kicking, and Bull locks on a bear hug. Buchanan tries another top rope moves, but Godfather crotches him, and Brown takes him down with a huracanrana! Godfather tags in as a house of fire! Baaaaaaack body drop! Boss Man gets thrown into Buchanan! Godfather hits the Ho Train! D’Lo looks for the Lo Down, but Buchanan pushes him off the top rope. Boss Man capitalises with his signature slam, and Buchanan crushes Brown with a leg drop off the top to secure the victory. * ¼. Disappointingly boring opener. It would have been much better if Buchanan had just hit that tremendous springboard elbow on repeat for the whole nine minutes.

MATCH 2- HARDCORE BATTLE ROYAL FOR THE WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP

This is a 15 minute Ironman match crossed with an inverted version of ‘tag.’ You beat the Hardcore Champion, then everyone tries to beat you. The person who garners the final pinfall or submission wins the belt for good. The competitors are: Tazz, Viscera, The Mean Street Posse, Kaientai, The Headbangers, the A.P.A, Hardcore Holly, and his pesky relative and reigning Hardcore Champion, Crash.

Tazz becomes the man to beat in less than 30 seconds after an exploder suplex. It takes about another 30 seconds for Viscera to splash him and become the interim champion. Faarooq cracks a 2×4 over Vis’ head, and Bradshaw takes him down with a flying shoulderblock. They allow Kaientai to make the pin together, but the referee doesn’t, and rules Funaki the sole champion. TAKA is furious and attacks his erstwhile partner! Funaki flees to the back and is followed by marauding challengers. Abs throws him into a wall, and Rodney makes the successful cover! Joey then dumps his childhood pal with a gutwrench suplex and takes the belt. Thrasher throws Abs into a door and becomes champ, then runs back down to ringside. Pete Gas is covered in blood even though this is just meant to be a fun little comedy match. He’s hardcore as fuck, and is rewarded for this when he bashes Thrasher with a fire extinguisher and becomes the final member of the Posse to take the belt! Tazz promptly suplexes him to become the first two time champion of the evening. At this point everyone inexplicably becomes totally disinterested in winning the belt, apart from Tazz and the Hollys who get in the ring and have their own little match. Crash floors Tazz with a cookie sheet and successfully pins, meaning he has just 30 seconds to hold out. Hardcore Holly smashes a candy jar over him though, and Tim White hesitantly counts to crowd Double H the winner! Amusingly, it was Crash and not Hardcore that was meant to win the match, the time limit was supposed to expire as Holly was pinning Holly. They mistimed the spot however, and the world changed irrevocably as a result. The match itself was the usual mixture of buffoonery and startling violence. They got the number of pinfalls just right, enough for the match to feel frenetic without becoming headache inducing. ***. These matches are immune to the ageing process that most go through, because there are literally no bouts like this in WWE any more. They still feel quite fresh to watch well over a decade later. They’re never huge, engrossing epics or anything, but they always make a fun addition to the card, I really enjoy them.

MATCH 3- HEAD CHEESE VS. T & A

Steve Blackman and Al Snow comprise Head Cheese, with Snow trying to come up with zany gimmick ideas for the team while Blackman played the straight man. T & A are managed by Trish Stratus, but Snow and Blackman will not merely be wrestling her tits and arse! Instead, they’ll face the conveniently named Test and Albert. But before all that, Snow brings out a little person dressed up as a piece of cheese called Chester McCheesington, to slap his arse in time to the chant “let’s go Head Cheese!” I swear to god this a thing that really occurred. Ten points for creativity! Minus twenty points for not using it very well!

No real face in peril segment in this one, the match just kind of swings back and forth. It isn’t too bad, although JR apparently disagrees as he busts out his “bowling shoe ugly” line. Albert clotheslines Snow to the floor, then press slams Test on top of Blackman! It only gets a two count though. Snow yanks Test out to the floor, allowing Steve to show off his mad kicking skills on Albert. The big man shrugs it off with ease though, and having already slammed his own partner has no trouble depositing Blackman on the canvas! Test flies in and drops an elbow on his prone opponent to pick up the win. * ¾. This was essentially fine. A bit of a mess, but there was some decent action in there. Post match, a sorrowful Snow demolishes Cheesington, and Blackman cheerfully joins in.

MATCH 4- TRIANGLE LADDER MATCH FOR THE WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS- THE DUDLEY BOYZ VS. THE HARDY BOYZ VS. EDGE & CHRISTIAN

The match starts with the obligatory, short sequence that is closer to a wrestling match than death by ladders. Ditching that part of the match was the last significant evolution the Ladder match had to make, because it feels entirely unnecessary and almost fearful, like they don’t quite have the courage to abandon the pretence of a normal match. Jeff Hardy becomes the first to offer himself as a sacrifice to the Gods of Excitement, throwing himself into a ladder propped against Bubba Dudley in the corner with Poetry in Motion. These guys will go on to do some very fearless things of course. The best part of the bout is the middle portion, which is just a frenzy of dramatic falls and dives from high places. Among the highlights are; Edge surfing a ladder down on top of Matt Hardy; Christian flinging himself off a ladder close to the apron, onto Bubba and Matt on the floor; Edge spearing Jeff off a ladder; Bubba driving Christian into the mat with a Bubba Cutter off a ladder; and finally, D-Von missing a splash on Jeff and crashing through a table as a consequence, while at the same Bubba powerbombs Matt through the Dudleys’ favourite wooden inanimate object subject to spectacular collapse. Sadly, at this point, the match grinds to a screeching halt, as the next spot takes far too long to set up. First, Bubba has to fetch a 20 foot ladder and set it up in the entrance way. Then, he has to grab another table and set it up beneath it. Next, he gets Jeff Hardy and sets him on the ladder, but Christian gets involved and hits Dudley with the ring bell. That stuns him long enough for Jeff to lie Bubba on the table, ascend to the top, and leap down with a Swanton Bomb! It’s a spectacular fall, but it takes too long to set up, and just seems awkward. The other problem is that there’s nowhere left to go from there really, so the match winds down with a whimper rather than a bang. Matt takes D-Von down with a Twist of Fate off the ladder, but it doesn’t feel as spectacular as it should. The elder Hardy and Christian climb a ladder each and perch on a table draped between them just below the belts. Edge sneaks up behind Matt and pushes him down through another nearby table, leaving E&C clear to take down the titles. *** ½. A very good, very dangerous match, but looking back it seems like a dress rehearsal for the staggering TLC match at Summerslam. They’d structure that match better, wouldn’t allow any sequences that were too convoluted, the pace would be quicker, and the stunts would be more deranged and adrenaline soaked. Still, as far as dress rehearsals goes, this was definitely one worth broadcasting.

MATCH 5- CATFIGHT- THE KAT VS. TERRI

The Catfight is a battle royal between two atrocious wrestlers, but obviously that’s not as exciting or marketable a name. Terri Runnels is cornered by the Fabulous Moolah, The Kat by Mae Young, and Val Venis referees. Before the match, he informs us that the main difference between him and Wrestlemania is that Wrestlemania only comes once a year… personally I’d have thought it was that Wrestlemania is a wrestling PPV event and Val Venis is a human being, but I don’t have the mind of an adult film star.

Mae Young tries to show her tits and Val has to stop her, so he misses The Kat throwing Terri to the floor. Kat does it again, but now Mae is kissing Val. As far as managers go, she’s Mr. Fuji levels of bad. Moolah shows her how it’s done by throwing Terri back inside and dragging the Kat out. Val sees that, and ends the match. Afterwards, Mae bronco busters Moolah and Kat strips Terri of some of her clothes. 0. This was ludicrous and awful. Has the WWF ever had a good sense of humour?

MATCH 6- TOO COOL & CHYNA VS. THE RADICALZ

Eddie Guerrero had been courting Chyna but refused to accept that she just wasn’t interested. Eddie was such an outstanding sleazeball. Eddie was outstanding at everything. :'(

Eddy spends most of the match trying to get into Chyna’s pants and then fleeing in terror whenever she approaches. Saturn superkicks Scotty 2 Hotty down and goes for a top rope elbow drop. He misses by a mile, but they pretend it hit anyway. Whenever Chyna is in the ring the women in the crowd go utterly berzerk for her. How have they never realised that lots of women are quite fond of the wrestling and could really get behind a strong female role model? Anyway, Hotty makes a hot tag to Chyna and she cleans out Saturn and Malenko with slams, clotheslines, and handspring elbows. The referee is distracted, so she decides to add a double low blow for good measure. Eddie sneaks in and tries to powerbomb her, but she hits one of her own instead and clamps on a testicular claw! She follows that with a press slam, then a sleeper slam, and that gets the victory! **. A jaunty little six person tag! Chyna’s offense didn’t look hugely convincing though, and it didn’t help that her gear got ripped late in the match and forced her to move quite gingerly lest a serious wardrobe malfunction occur.

MATCH 7- TWO FALL TRIPLE THREAT FOR THE WWF INTERCONTINENTAL & EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIPS- KURT ANGLE VS. CHRIS JERICHO VS. CHRIS BENOIT

There will be two parts to this match; the first fall decides the Intercontinental Championship, the second one the European Championship.

There’s no real opportunity for these guys to show off their technical wrestling ability- mere moments into the match Jericho is driving Benoit into the ring post and then hurtling into the Spanish announce table himself. Kurt Angle held both titles going into the match, and he seems close to retaining at least one of them when he locks a Crossface Chicken Wing, inspired by his former manager Bob Backlund, on Chris Jericho. Unfortunately for him. Benoit breaks the hold and dumps him out to the floor, then drops the Swandive Headbutt on Y2J, and wins the Intercontinental Championship! Awkwardly though, we carry straight on with the match, which robs the title change of its drama. Benoit goes straight for another cover, but Kurt breaks it up to save his one remaining championship. Angle’s bad luck continues as he misses a moonsault and eats canvas. He does get a break when the referee is knocked down, as it allows him to break a Walls of Jericho on Benoit by blasting Y2J with the European Title. Benoit dumps Angle with a suplex and tries for the Swandive Headbutt on him. Angle moves out the way, but before he can capitalise Jericho darts in, Lionsaults Benoit, and pins him to pick up the European belt! Angle has lost both his titles without conceding a fall! ** ¾. Everyone involved in this was an impressive athlete, so it was always going to be at least OK, but the rules really killed it dead. Triple Threats often aren’t very good anyway since they often are just a formulaic rotation of singles matches, and haphazardly slicing this into two parts made the match feel straight and not very cohesive. A major disappointment, not remotely an appropriate showcase for these guys.

MATCH 8- KANE & RIKISHI VS. D-GENERATION X

Kane loathes X-Pac because they were best pals and then Waltman stole his girlfriend Tori. Road Dogg teams with X-Pac tonight, while Rikishi is getting rather popular by shaking his posterior and grinding it in people’s faces.

The Big Red Monster goes right for Tori on the floor, and while X-Pac attempts to save her Rikishi Stinkfaces the Road Dogg. He wants to do the same to Tori, and while Road Dogg initially saves her, Paul Bearer throws her back in the ring to meet her foul fate. Kane dumps X-Pac with the Tombstone to finish. * ½. Quick, light little tag match to facilitate some revenge on Tori and the post match angle, where the big chicken that turned out to be Pete Rose last year comes out to dance with Too Cool- Kane is understandably suspicious. However, it turns out to be a decoy, as the real Pete Rose sneaks up behind Kane with a baseball bat! And promptly gets a chokeslam, and then a Stinkface from Rikishi. Yuck!

MATCH 9- FOUR WAY ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE WWF CHAMPIONSHIP- TRIPLE H VS. MICK FOLEY VS. THE ROCK VS. THE BIG SHOW

A McMahon in every corner! The Rock had won the right to headline Wrestlemania by winning the Royal Rumble, but lost his shot at No Way Out to the Big Show after Shane McMahon interfered in favour of the Giant. Shane and Show are together again here. Vince wanted someone to help him get back at Triple H and Stephanie, who betrayed him with their marriage. Who better than the former figurehead of his Corporation, the People’s Champion himself? Mick Foley represented Linda McMahon despite having supposedly been retired by Triple H in a tremendous Hell in a Cell match at No Way Out- this was his second retirement match in as many months!

The Big Show gets off to the strongest start, dropping Rock with a side slam and HHH with a chokeslam! However, as Show bounces off the ropes he gets clocked by Foley with a steel chair and staggers into a Rock Bottom, eliminating him after just five minutes! Triple H realises The Rock & Sock Connection have him outnumbered, so he tries to persuade both of them to side with him instead. Rock pretends to be interested, but then punches him instead! The former tag champions pinball the Game around, and steer him to the outside. There, Rock tries to deck him with the ring bell, but HHH dodges and Foley gets nailed instead! The Hardcore Legend recovers from the blow to discover a barbed wire 2×4, and while he isn’t able to use it properly, he does drop the champion with a double arm DDT and lock in the Mandible Claw! Triple H seems in perfect position for the People’s Elbow, but Rock hadn’t reckoned on Foley clamping the Mandible Claw on him! From there, Mick and Hunter form the unlikeliest of alliances to try and take the Rock out of the equation. They take him outside and lie him on the Spanish Announce Table, and Foley climbs to the top turnbuckle with the intention on driving him through the long suffering structure with an old fashioned Cactus Elbow. Unfortunately, his body was in no shape to be trying such things, and he misses Rock entirely, careening into the edge of the table instead. HHH makes amends by balancing on the guardrail and elbowing Rock through from there. The champ puts Mick out of his misery with a Pedigree onto a steel chair, and Linda McMahon demonstrates why she’s the least on screen of the McMahon family with some very shaky acting skills. “Oh no!!! Come on Mick!!!” It seems like it’s now down to Hunter and the Rock, but Foley wants to go out in style, and does so by blasting the Rock with a barbed wire 2×4! Having given his nemesis a dramatic parting shot, he limps out the arena to a standing ovation with his head held high. So, that leaves Rock and HHH as the only two left. They engage in a typical Attitude brawl, spilling into the crowd and breaking another announce table when Rock suplexes Triple H through it! The champion still fights back though, so an impatient Vince bounces him into the ring post, which is a moment worth remembering come the end of the match. Shane comes back out and triggers a pier six brawl with Vince, while HHH and the Rock lie in the ring, relegated to mere corpses. Son blasts father with a steel chair! That causes Vince to depart, so Rock and Triple H can resume their match. Shane does try to interfere again though, forcing the Great One to send HHH flying into him! Vince returns to ringside and knocks Shane out to the floor! He grabs the steel chair… and bashes the Rock with it! Twice! Hunter covers and gets the three to become the first rule-breaker to triumph in the main event of Wrestlemania! It’s not all sunshine for the Game though, as The Rock interrupts his post match celebration with his new McMahon associates, and delivers Rock Bottoms to Shane, Vince, and even Stephanie. ** ¾. This was the first of Triple H’s trio of Wrestlemania main event disasters, although he’s not remotely to blame for this one. The McMahons decision to place themselves so squarely in the main event was nothing short of narcissism, and went some way to spoiling the match. The fight between Shane and Vince at the end was a shadow of the splendid street fight they’d have the next year, and in the end it was all for naught anyway as Vince, Shane and Stephanie reunited in a nonsensical twist, considering just moments before Vince had been divided his time between beating up his son and Stephanie’s husband. Vince Russo left the WWF in late 1999, and the company went through a brief phase of trying to mimic his writing style and not really succeeding before realising they could probably write better TV than him if they just put him out of their minds. It seemed they’d worked that out by the Spring of 2000, but this main event is a hangover of those shaky couple of months. Another reason why it was worse than a Russo main event is that he would have kept it short, at least. By the time Foley was out the match had completely ran out of steam, and too many of the sequences felt like they were just killing time. 2000 is rightly widely recognised as one of the best years in WWF history, but this was a huge misstep. Condensed into highlights this would seem a wildly entertaining epic, but in reality it yawned on and on and on, and goes down as one the weakest Mania main events.

5.5

The final score: review Not So Good

The 411

A really bad Wrestlemania, absolutely one of the worst of all time. This and Wrestlemania XV definitely comprise the worst one/two punch the Grandest Stage of Them All. I guess some people think the Triangle Ladder Match has aged better than I do, but even then it's still surrounded by matches that aren't perceptibly better than those on XI or XV or IX. One of the better bouts of the evening is a silly little hardcore thing, and the main event's a bore, and it's a long show as well, pushing four hours. Considering that the Ladder Match was significantly improved on by the TLC Series, there's really nothing worth seeing on this show.