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WELCOME TO MONDAY NIGHT RAW 411 LEGENDS NIGHT!!!!
Before we get started, be sure to check out Michael Ornelas article, ”Wrestling With Loss” that speaks on Brodie Lee.
It’s Monday…you know what that means.
We start RAW with a recap of last week when Randy went on an elderly abuse spree. We’re live to RAW, but who cares about tonight in the Thunderdome when we’re celebrating 411’s OWN LEGENDS NIGHT!!!!
It’s The 411 Legends Monday Night RAW, and everyone is decked out in their Hurt Business finest! We head backstage to the 411 common area that looks oddly like a standard kitchen attached to a den with large banners of Csonka hanging up behind a crowd of used to bes and never was writers of 411 lore. Behind a frantic-haired Chris Lansdell is a crudely drawn list of names with the heading, “TONY’S HITLIST.” Names like Wes Kirk, AJ Grey, and Justin Watry are listed and crossed out. We fade out as RAW starts.
Triple H is in the Thunderdome! He welcomes us to the Thunderdome and to Monday Night RAW and to 411 Legends Night.
ORTON cuts him off before he can take his first heavily breathed promo!
Orton is a face!
He brings up the match he was supposed to have tonight, and Triple H says that will not happen, and Orton knows why. Orton says he is aware, but he figures HHH is here to make an official ruling, so what will it be? Will it be that Orton will enter the Rumble last? Will he hand orton the title?
HHH tells Orton if he wants the title, he needs to win the Rumble however he’s gotta.
Orton says the only reason HHH would be here is to make a call, and make sure that it benefits Orton.
HHH wonders if this is where they are at now. Cheap threats? Stand there and flex his jaw muscles, thinking HHH is cared? HHH says he’s been impressed over the last year. Watched the old Randy Orton step back into the dance. He’d been gone for a while, and he’s sat back and watched it take place. A lot of people criticized, didn’t understand. HHH say and watched, though. Watched him light a match, watched it burn, just like Orton did, knowing that everything Orton wanted was on the other side of the flame and all Orton had to do was drop it – and he did. HHH doesn’t think he was ever more proud. He would have done the same thing. It stood between Orton and what he wanted. HHH says there’s a few things Orton has done that HHH doesn’t understand – like kicking legends in the head, or humiliating them like Mark Henry, HBK, Ric Flair. He doesn’t understand that. Flair is a legend and humiliating him had no benefit. This made HHH look at him differently. Orton is not a legend, not everything he thinks he is, but is a no-good prick.
Orton says he is at his peak, in his prime, and is a legend in his own time – just like Hunter was. In fact, does HHH still got it in him? Is he still in there? Is The Game alive? The King of Kings? Maybe Orton can take the legend of Triple H out once and for good, but HHH must accept a challenge. How about a good old fashioned fight? Tonight.
HHH says Orton is smart enough to know that when someone wants them to do something, you don’t give them the satisfaction. There’s no benefit to Triple H. His answer is no.
Orton says no, it’s because Steph isn’t here tonight, so he’s unable to retrieve his balls from her purse.
Triple H with a right hand to Orton! Orton slides out of the ring with a smirk. He still has his mic. He guesses that’s a yes.
We come back to Ryan Byers in front of a draped black sheet.
Ryan: Welcome everyone to Monday Night RAAAAAAWWWWWW, as reviewed on 411mania. My name is Ryan Byers, and I’m trying to figure out why I’m here as a “legend” when I’m still actively writing for the site. I guess that goes to show how badly I’ve killed off Ask 411 since Sforcina left town – nobody even realizes I’m writing it. Yeah, I’m the poor man’s Jed Shaffer. Imagine having to put THAT on your resume.
But anyway, I guess I’m glad to be here. A payday is a payday, right? Wait, how much is Acero giving me for this? God knows he’s swimming in that sweet 411mania pop-up ad revenue and has plenty to share. Meanwhile, I’m over here getting paid in “Ashish Cash,” the gift certificate that is only good for merchandise purchases on the old 411mania CafePress shop. So I’m not actually getting anything for this, am I? Can I at least have one of those Danishes from the vending machine in the writers’ lounge? What do you mean Jeremy Thomas replaced the writers’ lounge with a Slack channel? What the hell is a Slack channel?
Commentary reminds us that Triple H did NOT accept anything.
We are reminded of that odd Flair moment last week that made zero sense.
Backstage, Sarah comes up to Charlotte to bring up Lacey Evans and her flirtatious ways. Charlotte calls her classless, and says she isn’t the first to hit on Ric in front of Charlotte. Family comes first, says her. Sarah brings up her words. Things were not patched up, but Ric knows how competitive she is. It’s 2021 and Charlotte is about to have a match, so why is she being asked about her dad? She’s here to show this classless woman how to act like a lady.
After Charlotte makes her entrance, Lacey tells her to calm down and grab a sweet tea. She said last week, she didn’t flirt with anyone that didn’t wanna be flirted with. To her, Ric is a charming, handsome, powerful man’s man. Tonight, this match is dedicated to Ric. Lacey shoots him a kiss.
DREW MCINTYRE has a selfie promo! He says he has no symptoms, but Covid should not be taken lightly. If it can happen to him, it can happen to anyone, and the only way we can stop this is by working together. Please wear your mask and follow social distancing guidelines. Stay safe. Awww, thanks Drew.
Match 1: Charlotte Flair vs Lacey Evans
For being completely bothered, Charlotte takes some time to lockup, but does so and gets Lacey into the corner. Lacey laughs her off as the ref breaks the hold. Rollup for 1…NO! Side headlock from Lacey. Charlotte shoots her off and hits a hard shoulder tackle. Lacey kicks, Charlotte catches it and hits an elbow. Chop to the chest. Another. Another. This one drops Lacey. Whip to the corner, and Charlotte hits a running high knee then rolls Lacey down for a pin. 1..2….NO!!! charlotte with the head scissors, then she slams Lacey’s face into the mat. She tosses Lacey across the ring with the leg scissors, then hits a right hand in the corner. Knee to the back of lacey’s leg. Charlotte tries for the Figure Four, but Lacey gets to the ropes.
The music of Ric Flair hits, the guy who should be at home, and here comes the happy and smiling kiss-stealing man. He comes strutting down, much to the chagrin of Charlotte.
WE ARE BACK and Charlotte hits shoulders into the corner. She sets Lacey’s leg up again, but Lacey escapes and sends Charlotte into the corner. Stomps in the corner. Lacey swings with a Bronco Buster, then sends Charlotte out of the ring. Ref starts the count and Lacey leaves the ring at the ocunt of four. She gets kicked by charlotte then reverses a whip and sends Charlotte into the barricade. Charlotte rolls into the ring at 6. Lacey follows. She hits the ropes and does the shittiest Flair Strut ever. Misses a knee drop, but is able to send Charlotte down head-first. Submission attempt by Lacey, but Charlotte drops her. Charlotte with a right hand. Lacey kicks. Whip to the corner, reversed, Charlotte misses a knee in the corner, Lacey rolls her up, Charlotte rolls through, and Charlotte hits a low kick to the face. Charlotte with a big boot, misses, get pulled down by the hair. Lacey gets Charlotte in the corner, kicks the shoulder, big boot out of the corner. Again. Clothesline to Lacey. Again. She hits a neckbreaker then an Exploder. Charlotte pushes Lacey over the top rope and hits a right forearm. Huge boot sends lacey to the ground outside. Charlotte grabs Lacey, sends her back into the ring, heads to the top rope, but Lacey is up and pulls Charlotte’s leg out. Charlotte hits a backbreaker then sends Lacey back into the buckle. Natural Selection and a cover for 1..2…NO!!! Flair is there to put the boot on the ropes. That entire sequence was horribly executed. Lol, Charlotte: “For this hooker?”
Lacey misses a Woman’s Right. Charlotte gets her to the apron, looks for a suplex, Ric shoves Lacey into a pin, then holds Charlotte’s boot down and Lacey gets a cover for 1..2….3!!!
Winner: Lacey Evans
Set aside the fact that last week made little sense, ignore the fact that the last time we saw Charlotte and Flair aside from last week, she berated him and humiliated him immensely, and get rid of the image of Lacey suddenly being interested in gold-digging, this match just never got off the ground to be anything more than sloppy. Just constant miscommunication, and if Charlotte is going to continue to use Natural Selection, she may want to tighten the move up. This is the second or third week in a row where it looked horrible.
Total Rating: *1/2
Match Time: 12:26
A quick scan of the room stops on a balding man who could only be from Kentucky. It’s Steve Cook and he’s wearing a shirt that says PUPPIES with a blue blazer over it. He’s sippin on Kentucky’s finest fire water and talking to Andy Perez about their most recent YouTube video on 411mania.com’s You Tube Account that you could find RIGHT HERE!
Andy laughs heartily as we get a tight angle of Steve Cook, overhearing a quick blurb of conversation:
Steve: “I tell you what, the catering sure has improved since the last time I was here. I have no idea why they won’t let me in the women’s locker room. Write a few things about a few ladies and you’re blacklisted. Oh well, it is what it is. I need more bourbon?”
Backstage, Lee is being interviewed, but Sheamus comes up. He says there’s nothing he’d do less than kick him when he is down. He earned Drew’s respect last week, and if drew respects him, then Sheamus does too.
IN come Miz and Morrison to mock them, calling them Loser’s Row. Miz says he is still Mr MitB, which means: Chaching. Sheamus brings up Dumb and Dumber, and Morrison calls Miz the Dumber of the group. Miz wants to right all the wrong of 2020, and Sheamus and Lee are.
Miz gets a mention of The Browns, and Lee wonders if this is the smartest place for them to start. Lee accepts. Miz asks what happened the last time these two teamed up, and remind Lee that Sheamus Brogue Kicked him.
Jeff Hardy is already in the ring when Elias comes out with Ryker to tell Jeff that he is injured.
Hey, didn’t this guy break into the Capitol on Wednesday?
Match 2: Jeff Hardy vs Jaxson Ryker
Ryker corners Jeff, beating him down then getting a fireman’s. Jeff floats out, dodges a splash in the corner, hits a Twist of Fate. Jeff to the top rope. Elias leaves the commentary booth to distract Jeff.
Ryker rolls Jeff up for the 1..2…3!!!
Winner: Jaxson Ryker
Dumb
Total Rating: NR
Match Time: :49
Jeff grabs the mic and tells Elias to get in the ring and face Jeff. Elias points to his injured thumb. Jeff says to tell some Universal Truth and admit that Ryker is better than Elias. Elias heads to the ring to the match, telling Ryker not to interrupt with a wink wink nudge nudge.
Ryker gets a text from his H-Phone, so he may not have picked up on that.
Back to the quickly-becoming-crowded kitchen area of Tony’s house, and in comes Jeremy Thomas. He heads straight for a fridge, that’s covered with a sheet, and pauses after a nudge from the camera.
Jeremy: “Okay, Okay, why am I in this? Look Tony, I was just trying to get some snacks and something to drink. Where do you keep the rum and grenadine, by the way? I don’t know where you keep anything in this kitchen. Also, how did I get to your house? You’re like 1,000 miles away from me! I just remember walking outside to smoke and suddenly there was a rag on my fac — WAIT A MINUTE. TONY, I SWEAR TO THE GODS…”
Match 3: Elias vs Jeff Hardy
We are back and the match is already going down. I forgot to hit the stopwatch, but honestly, do we care? Jeff hits his inverted atomic drop and a leg drop, followed by a dropkick to…the thumb? Elbow drop. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Jeff to the corner. Whisper in the Wind. He claps himself up, kicks, spins for an enziguri, but Elias tosses Jeff aside. Jawbreaker from jeff Hardy. Running knee from Elias. He locks the head, neckbreaker to Jeff. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Uppercut from Elias. Another. Backslide from jeff.
Elias escapes, kick from Jeff, TWIST OF FATE! Jeff to the top rope. Ryker watches him head up. Jeff pauses. SWANTON to Elias! Cover for 1..2….3!!!
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Total Rating: NR
Match Time: Shit, like 2 minutes
Elias yell at Ryker, wondering why he didn’t help! Ryker: “You told me not to!”
Not since HBO’s critically acclaimed tv series, The Wire have I seen such riveting and compelling storytelling.
Match 4: Keith Lee and Sheamus vs The Miz and John Morrison
Morrison and Sheamus to start, but Sheamus makes quick work of him and tags Lee in. Lee grabs Morrison and tosses him out of the ring onto The Miz. Tag to Sheamus, and he flies off the apron with a clothesline to both men. Hard club from Sheamus, tag from Lee, rolling senton, Lee enters and chuckles along with Shemaus at the ease in which they are defeating their opponents. Tag to Morrison. Morrison with a kick to the leg, another, he keeps going, then drives some rights into the leg. Morrison kicks the back of the knee. Lee slaps the shit out of the chest, but with his head. Lee sends him flying across the ring. HUGE pounce into the corner. THE TURNBUCKLE BROKE!!! Holy shit!! We go to commercial.
WE ARE BACK, and Lee and Miz are going at it. Lee sends Miz into the corner. Tag to Sheamus, and they send Miz into the corner again. Sheamus works the arm, Miz tries fo ra right hand. Sheamus drops him, Miz kicks him away, Sheamus takes the opportunity to knock Morrison off the apron. DDT TO SHEAMUS! Cover for 1. Tag to Morrison. He’s in with a bunch of right hands, and a kick to the chest. Tag to Miz. Miz chokes Sheamus up with the boot. Cheap shot from Morrison. Miz tries for another DDT, stopping a tag. Sheamus stands, lifts Miz up and over! Miz attacks, tries for a cover, Sheamus escapes, so Miz locks on a front face headlock. Miz releases, points at Lee, turns. IRISH CURSE to Miz! Tag to Lee. Tag to Morrison. Shoulder tackle, another, one for Miz. A suplex to Morrison, one for Miz. Lee rushes the corner with a splash. Morrison gets a splash. He tosses Morrison INTO Miz. Lee sends Morrison into the ropes, powerslam! Jesus. Beautiful. Cover for 1..2.NO!!! Miz breaks the hold!!! Chop to Miz. He sends Miz to the outside. Lee turns to Morrison, Pele Kick!
Morrison off the middle rope, but Lee swats him out of the air! Lee looks to finish it. Sheamus with a blind tag! Brogue Kick! Sheamus gets the pin. 1..2…3!!!
Winners: Keith Lee and Sheamus
Lee was a lot of fun. Looking forward to next week when they challenge for the tag team titles.
Total Rating: **1/2
Match Time: 12:25
Backstage, Triple H is asked by Sarah how he feels about the challenge.
HHH says he came here tonight in a business capacity – which we didn’t really find out why.
HHH does what he does – talking far too long and saying far too little.
He says yes.
r
We are back to RAW, and Shemaus and Lee are shoving each other in the ring.
Ok….
The ref calls for the bell, and we’ve got a match.
My eyes…they are a -rollin.
Match 5: Sheamus vs Keith Lee
Lee sends Sheamus to the apron. Sheamus hangs up Lee, then does the beatdown. Lee blocks the fourth swing and turns to Sheamus. Right hand from Sheamus, right to the face. Lee headbutts Sheamus. He sends Sheamus back into the ring.Lee locks Sheamus up on the ropes and beats him down with chop after chop! A huge double chop! Sheamus sends Lee to the outside. Sheamus with a running knee to Lee! Lee drops to the mat, but lands on his feet. Sheamus flies off the apron, then hits a belly to belly, sending Sheamus into the timekeeper’s area! Ref gets to 9! Sheamus barely makes it. Lee drops down, looking like he was going to break the count just in case. Good on Lee. Whip to Sheamus. Sheamus clips the knee! Sheamus grabs the arm of Lee and swings it into the post. Sheamus attacks the shoulder with stomps, Sheamus with a rest hold. He breaks it, heads to the top rope. Lee stops him short, smacks the chest. Lee to the top rope! He grabs Sheamus. Sheamus drops Lee. He flies of the 2nd rope and hits a clothesline. Knee to Lee! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Sheamus with another arm submission, driving knees into the shoulder. Sheamus tries for the cross arm breaker. He drops his leg across the face of Lee a few times.
Lee turns into the hold, locks the hands. Lee lifts Sheamus then drops him right on his back! Lee locks the head, goes for a powerbomb, hits it!! Cover for 1..2…..NO!!!!!
Winner: Keith Lee
Looks like these guys tired themselves out a bit near the end there, causing some super slow-moving offense. Wasn’t bad or nothin, just a little slower than expected.
Total Rating: **1/2
Match Time: 6:51
Lee holds out his fist to bump. Sheamus smacks it out of the way, and goes in for a hug.
Back from RAW, and Len Archibald is in a room surrounded by crudely pasted magazine photos of AJ Lee and Sasha Banks covering every inch of the walls that circle Len.
Where am I? What are all these images around me? Why am I seeing AJ Lee and Sasha Banks in the majority of them? Should I be creeped out or aroused? Oh no, I’ve been summoned to make some thankless and probably unfunny cameo for one of Tony’s “bits”…Sigh.
The camera cuts to the face of Len as he takes a seat in a big bean bag chair and grabs a bag of popcorn that’s on the side of it. None of this makes sense, but Len is going all in.
Let’s see what’s happening this time: Raw did ANOTHER “Legends” night? I’ll say this much – WWE is one of those things that help me feel like I don’t age because I can always re-live my youth when the Part-time Parade is pushed out, like some sweet foamy secretion with the powerful odors of Viagra, Monica Lewinsky and Stone Cold Steve Austin assaulting my senses. Damn, those were all things at the exact same time. I suppose I should be flattered to be here, right? I mean I AM THE GREATEST WRITER IN THR HISTORY OF 411MANIA (no ego) according to some….or maybe this is like my status as the undefeated Fact or Fiction king making an appearance here is akin to main eventing WrestleMania then fading away into obscurity to some out of body experience where I’m in an armory somewhere in the nowhere’s of existence. Chaos. Karma? Who knows? That’s been the past year, right?
2020 was a year we had champions that for the most part were liked by fans without not much backlash: Mox, McIntyre, Asuka, Rhea Ripley, FTR, Bayley, Naito, Io, Brodie, Banks, WALTER, Allin…only Charlotte’s ill-timed defeat of Rhea Ripley for the NXT Women’s Title was really the only major reign that caught major backlash. For the most part 2020 was a good, even great year for wrestling but. Yeah. Pandemic.
So everything is upside down and now we live in a world full of zombies and screens and there were several truly amazing moments that were denied a real live audience reaction. The year was so upside down that Roman Reigns had a critically favored title run that is still going strong. There were dozens of truly great matches that showed that even without the energy of the live audience, these performers are still willing to kill themselves for our entertainment. The image of Drew McIntyre reaching out at us at the conclusion of WrestleMania 36 may be the defining one of the past year: wrestling genuinely tried to reach out to its fans, each with varying degrees of success but at the end of the day that level of disconnect always hovering. Whoa. That was deep. And long. Wait. Are you really going to end this cameo transmission from Acero’s head with a juvenile dick joke, Lenny? Don’t you have a reputation to uphold at 411? It’s Tony’s head. I can dump all my trashy thoughts here. Hope everyone has a safe and sane 2021. Be good to everyone!
We come back to RAW, where Goldberg made zero sense and challenged Drew McIntyre. We come back to Drew with another selfie promo. He says before he got the chance to thank all the legends at the top of the ramp, he was rudely interrupted by Goldberg. He must admit, he and his brother used to love watching Goldberg beat someone up each week. Hell, he was even a bit starstruck. But of course, you never meet your heroes in person, because they will always let you down. Goldberg let Drew down, and let his own legacy down. He put words into Drew’s mouth, that he didn’t even say. And he sure wasn’t thinking it. Goldberg’s got him all wrong. Goldberg doesn’t know anything about being WWE Champion, and that’s the only reason why he challenged Drew. He doesn’t want to accept. Goldberg is 20 years older than him. Would you wnt to fight yourself in your prime? Ha. Nice. Looks like Goldberg needs a lesson in respect and if that’s what he wants, Drew accepts. Drew: “You’re Next.”
Matt Riddle is backstage, saying he can’t wait for his match tonight. It’s like when you get the greatest pizza with all the cheese and open up the box and finally take that bite and…>BROOOO Know what he means?
Lince and Metalik are confused.
Riddle says the pizza is a metaphor, but he said “It’s like,” which is a simile…
Match 6: T-Bar vs Xavier Woods
Lockup to start, side headlock by T-Bar. Woods punches out of it, causing the most guttural of sounds. Shoulder tackle to Woods. Lockup from behind. Woods up against the ropes, another tackle sends Woods down. T-Bar attacks the back, hits a back elbow to the face. Wood attacks the chest, sends him against the ropes, beats down on the head, but T-Bar sends Woods into the ropes and hits a huge clothesline. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! T-Bar with a chinlock from behind. Woods with a jawbreaker to break the hold, but T-Bar’s HP count is still high. Woods with another jawbreaker. Chop to the chest. Another chop. Knee to Woods. Kick out of the corner. Chop to the chest. Another. Rights and lefts to the chest, whip to the ropes. Reversed. Missed a clothesline. Kick to the gut! Kick again, but T-Bar catches him. Woods with a Goozle!! Sends Woods inot the corner. Elbow misses. Woods gets sent over the ropes. Blocks. Enziguri! To the top rope of Woods! He flies! DROPKICK TO T-BAR! T-BAR FLIES OUT OF THE RING!!! Nice. Woods kips up. He hits the ropes. A dropkick through the ropes. Woods rolls him into the ring. Right hand to T-Bar.
Kick towards Mace. T Bar grabs the arm and pulls the shoulder into the top rope! He grabs the arm and does it again, pulling Woods into the top rope over and over. Finally into the ring and we get a Torture Rack into a knee to the face. Cover for 1..2…3!!!
Winner: T-Bar
So. Much. Apathy.
Total Rating: *
Match Time: 4:55
RAW heads to commercial, so we head to a head shot of Mathew Sforcina He’s ready to give a promo he’s prepared for the readers of 411. Having slaved over the intricacies of it, his excitement is ever-apparent. He takes a deep breath as the camera man counts him down. Mathew does a few vocal warm-ups.
Hey all, long time no see dear readers! Mathew Sforcina here, former Evolution Schematicer and, more famously, Ask 411 Games writer! Oh, yeah, and I did Ask 411 Wrestling for a bit too.
Anyway, I’ve been invited back here to say a few words about the state of Pro Wrestling. And yeah, it’s-
Pssst! What? How serious is Sasha Banks and her husband?
Uh, fairly serious, they’ve been married for like 4 years, still seem to be in love, I’ve certainly not heard of any issues. But anyway, as I was saying, the wrestling world is much different now since last I was writing regularly, the rise of AEW has-
Psst! What’s Sasha Banks star sign, and is it compatible with a Libra?
You do realise star signs are complete crap, right? When you’re born, the doctor or midwife holding you exerts 16 times the gravitational pull as Jupiter. Take it from me, it’s useless. I should know, I’m a Bulldog.
Bulldog?
Yeah, Taurus in the western zodiac, Dog in the Chinese, Bulldog. But anyway, Sasha is an Aquarius baby, and Libras are one of the most compatible signs with them, so yes, a Libra is fine. So is Gemini, which her husband is. But as I was saying, big things have happened in wrestling, and one major issue was-
What’s Sasha Banks longest ever match?
The 2018 Women’s Royal Rumble, clocking in at 59 minutes and a second. And unlike most Rumble times, she was in there for most of it, first one in, 3rd last to leave. In terms of normal matches, her 30 minute Iron Woman matches were the longest. But look, time for my big announcement. I’ve been thinking, and I’ve had the itch now for a while, and so, if Byers is willing, I’d-
Who’s had more televised WWE wins, ignoring NXT, Sasha Banks or AJ Lee?
Dammit all, screw it, I’m out of here. Now I remember why I left, dammit…
Match 7: United States Championship Match
Bobby Lashley vs Matt Riddle
Lashley with the beatdown before the bell rings. Ref finally gets control, but it might be too late. Lashley rushes the corner hard. Riddle is bleeding from the mouth. He fights out of the corner, Lashley with a toss, sending Riddle over the top rope to the outside. Lashley heads outside. He grabs Riddle, gets him on the shoulders, rusn and tries to send Riddle int othe post, but Riddle lands on his feet and shoves Lashley into the post!!! Riddle into the ring. Running knee to Lashley outside!! FLOATING BRO TO LASHLEY!!! Riddle sends Lashley back into the ring. He slides in. Lockup from behin,d rip cor, Lashley blocks, Riddle to the ropes, flies, Lashley catches him HUGE SLAM!!
Lashley waits. Riddle is slow to stand. LIFTS HIM UP LIKE NOTHING! FULL NELSON!!! Holy shit, what a mauling! Riddle taps.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Call me crazy, but that was great. Lashley looked like a fucking monster, and should be mad considering last week. Lil sloppy on the end, but no bs Lashley is Awesome.
Total Rating: NR
Match Time: 1:55
Riddle has a mic and calls out MVP. He says he couldn’t beat Lashley tonight, but he sure as hell can beat MVP. Ok…are they even trying?
And now….a wrestling wedding as brought to you by Jeff Small
A wedding.
A pronouncement.
“I now pronounce you Mr. and Mr. Small. You may now kiss the groom.”
Lots of applause.
Later, a first dance.
“Leave your home. Change your name.”
The couple walks out onto the dance floor. They circle each other.
“All the very best of us. String ourselves up for love.”
A two step.
A spin.
Every eye at the reception is fixated on the Smalls.
“Man, it’s all been forgiven. Swans are a-swimming.”
A sway.
A dip.
A kiss.
The crowd erupts.
“I’ll explain everything to geeks.”
A feud has ended…
——–
Backstage, Small is awakened by a commotion. It appears that a few of the 411 writers are involved in a skirmish. He picks up a copy of JP Prag’s “In Defense of…” (which you can find here -<a href=https://www.amazon.com/DEFENSE-EXONERATING-PROFESSIONAL-WRESTLINGS-HATED/dp/1735328758/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= and appears to be coming to the aid of a fallen Scott Slimmer.
Small winds back with the book and the assailants retreat. He turns to Slimmer and nails Slimmer in the head with the book.
A smirk. He walks off laughing.
It’s never over.
Match 8: MVP vs Matt Riddle
We come back to MVP bout to hit the Ballin Elbow. He does so, dropping in his nice button up, and covers for 1..2..NO!!! MVP elbows the crown of the head, Riddle locks up from behind, rip chord knee. Is it chord or cord? Fuck. Anyway, Riddle to t he apron. Kick to Lashley.
Riddle back to the top rope. Riddle off the top rope! But Lashley enters the ring and hits a spear!!!
Winner: Riddle via DQ
I’m all for watching Lashley beat dat ass, but this felt like such a stall for time.
Total Rating: NR
Match Time: 1:15
Lashley continues the beatdown. Lashley holds the US Title in the face of Riddle. MVP pauses then kicks Riddle while he’s down.
Backstage, AJ Styles is talking to Adam Pearce, and uses some Steiner Math to create the possibility of Pearce v AJ at Mania.
IN comes Drew Gulak to officially declare his entrance to the Rumble. Pearce says there are only 30 entrants, so Drew cant just put himself in. Drew says AJ did. And, he had a shot at the title, and he blew it.
AJ Says he can enter himself due to his clout. What has Drew done? Drew has a flashdrive, for Pearce’s eyes only. Adam says Drew can enter the match if he beats AJ Styles, and that match is next.
Match 9: AJ Styles vs Drew Gulak
Each man shoots out of the corner with adropkick!! Drew is able to hit an elbow into the throat. He locks up and hits a suplex then covers for 1..NO!! Drew with a suplex into a bridge for 1…NO!!! Double underhook, Tiger Driver! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Damn, Drew! Drew sits AJ up on the corner, walks up it with him, locks up for a suplex, hits a right, another, Aj Slinks underneath, hits the back, sits Drew on the shoulders, Drew rolls forward into a pin for 1..2.NO!!! AJ shoots the leg, NO!!! BACKSLIDE!!! 1..2..NO!!!! Pele Kick from AJ! Drew is down. AJ hits the ropes. Forearm! Kick from Drew, AJ catches it and sends Drew over the top rope!
Omos walks near Drew, and towers over him until AJ comes out to send Drew back into the ring. Phenomenal Forearm and a cover for 1..2….3!!!
Winner: AJ Styles
Nice to see Drew, but this was relatively pointless.
Total Rating: **
Match Time: 3:13
It’s nearing the end of the night, and Scott Slimmer is standing at a podium that Tony most certainly did not steal from our Nation’s Capitol. Why he has one at home, I don’t know. Slimmer is suited and booted, and damn near teary eyed as he taps some notecards on the podium and clears his throat.
Scott: I’d like to thank Tony, Jeremy, and Ashish for inviting me here tonight to be inducted into the 411Mania Hall of Fame. It’s obviously an honor that’s long overdue, but I’m happy to finally take my place alongside… wait, what? This isn’t the 411 HoF induction ceremony? It’s just… 411 Legends Night? Oh. I see. Well then, where’s the bar? Just a six pack of White Claw over in the corner? Cool, cool. Hey, I kid, but it really is nice to see the old 411 crew. Look at these guys. Legends, every one of them, and it’s been too long since we’ve all been together. So let’s just sit back, relax, and… WHO THE HELL INVITED SMALL??? Do we seriously not have a bouncer? Fine, hold my White Claw. I’ve got a little business to handle.
Slimmer tosses his notecards and runs after a laughing Small in the corner, completely oblivious to the presence of Slimmer.
A video package of Goldberg plays, but it’s literally NOTHING you haven’t seen before, so here’s another 411 Legend Segment!
BACKSTAGE, Lee would like to have a talk with Triple H. He gets it, Orton is pushing some buttons. I miss the rest, but Triple H puts a jacket on just to take it off later.
Match 146: Mandy Rose and Dana Brooke vs Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler
Shayna trips Mandy up off the lockup. She turn on her stomach, thankfully, and Mandy kicks out of the possible step. Tag to Dana. Dana catches a kick, Nia with a blind tag. Nia tosses Dana into the corner. Dana with a jawbreaker in the middle of the ring. Tag from Shayna. Dana cant get a tag. Shayna sends Dana into the ropes, reversed, Shayna to the apron,gets back in, tag to Mandy. Mandy kicks, hits a clothesline, another. Flapjack to Shayna, kip up from Mandy. Mandy sends Shayna into the corner. Right hands. Mandy with a running knee strike. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Nia pulls Mandy out and headbutts her then blind tags herself in. Nia sends Mandy into the ring. She shoves Mandy, fireaman’s. Samoan Drop! Pin for 1..2…NO!! Dana stops the pin!!! Shayna in, hits some weird ass swinging knee into the back move. Nia splashes both blondes in the corner.
Nia to the top rope. Tag frm Shayna. The Clutch to Mandy. Mandy taps.
Winners: Nia Jax an Shayna Baszler
Meh
Total Rating: ½*
Match Time: 3:20
Nia Jax seems a bit bothered at the events, but doesn’t do much about it this time around.
In the middle of Slimmer’s rant, Michael Ornelas slinks downstairs, retying the pullstring on his sweatpants. A sloppily handwritten “Out of order” sign mysteriously now adorns the upstairs bathroom door.
“Slimmer’s here looking for the bar, and…to be honest so am I. I can’t find it anywhere. The bar seems to be so low that even I got invited to 411 Legends Night. Me. Some guy who writes occasionally with no discernable pattern, and has probably spent more time in the Movies/TV zone than wrestling. Me! A guy who has spent the better part of the last three years developing a deeply strategic comedy board game for adults called Puberty (which you can join the mailing list by scrolling to the bottom of its website over at
Puberty – The Game)! ME!?! A man whose contributions to this site have 95% happened in the comments section in response to dumbasses??
Hell yeah I made the cut! Not because I’m actually some 411 Legend, but because I’m close to Tony. Not emotionally, but geographically.
Tony, I’m honored for the invite, I’m sorry I just showed up to shill my board game, and someone ruined your toilet. I think it was Jeremy, as I’ve heard chloroform fumes do not sit well with grenadine. I’ll see you when I’m vaccinated. Smooches!
Main Event: Street Fight
Randy Orton vs HHH
HHH with a hard right! Orton flies out of the ring. He gets back in, and Triple H corners him. Orton with an uppercut! Another. He kicks Orton out of the ring and follows. He kicks Triple H around outside then whips him int othe – no , reversed and he hits the steel steps. HHH sends Orton into the barricade nearest the barricade. Orton with a thumb to the eye. Orton is bleeding. He sends Triple H into the announce table. H lifts Orton and hits a back suplex onto the table.
Triple H lifts the apron. Sledgy is there! H grabs it and stares Orton down.
Winner: Nobody
Total Rating: NR
Match Time: NR
Some of the screens go out! Orton is on his knees in the ring. More of the screens go out. HHH, lifts the sledgehammer. It’s on fire! How and why, I do not know. Triple H seems confused. The lights go out, then back on, and Triple H is gone.
Firefly Funhouse music hits, but its distorted.
Alexa is in the ring! She stands in the corner, staring at Orton. Orton turns and stares back at her. Alexa scowls, shoots a fireball at Randy Orton. Orton reaches for his eye. He stands, twirling and writhing in pain. We don’t know what happened, but commentary says he might be blind.
A HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL OF THE FORMER AND CURRENT WRITERS THAT JOINED ME TONIGHT, GAVE ME SOME OF THEIR TIME, AND SENT IN SOME HILARIOUS LITTLE PIECES THAT I COULD ADD TO THE REPORT! LOVED IT, AND GAVE ME A GREAT NUDGE DURING A SHOW THAT CONTINUES TO BE THE EPITOME OF BLEH
End Show!
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