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Hi, my name is Tony Acero. You may remember me from such columns as, “I Don’t Hate you, Justin” and “One in the Pink, Two in the Fink.”

RAW starts with a 10-bell salute to George H.W. Bush. I have no bells, and silence is awkward for me, so we’ll just move on.
Ronda Rousey’s gotta follow that! I guess she’s got a tag match coming up with Nattie, you know, the girl that nearly challenged her for the title.

Before the match that no one wants to see starts, The Riott Squad come down to the ring with a table.

Tamina and Nia kick the other two girls hard off the distraction. Tamina pulls the leg of Ronda and she goes outside. Nia and Tamina toss ROnda into the steps as The RIott Squad attack Nattie. They send her into the ringpost then into the apron. Ruby rolls Nattie onto the apron and holds her down with a knee. Liv and Sarah grab the table and set it up aside the ring. Ruby lifts Nattie up by the hair, but Ronda is crawling into the ring. She is stopped. by Nia and Tamina. Leg drop from Nia as Ruby lifts up Nattie. We then get Sarah and Liv assist Ruby with a powerbomb to Nattie through the table.

Not sure if the match officially started, but also not interested.

Yo, you know that segment that JUST happened?! Well RAW is here to show it to you again! So nice ya had to see it twice!

Backstage, Nattie is showing great pain. Ronda hels her sit on a box as Nattie criees over her elbow. ROnda demands help and some medical team homies come through as Ronda makes angry crazy face towards stage left.

Alexa Bliss is so hot….

Also, she’s on her way to the ring. She brings up her new job and promises to work hard every week to give us the best that this division has to offer. She brings up her open forum – you know, that ONE person in the crowd…

Well, Alexa wants to do it again, cuz it worked so well last week. Sasha and Bayley come out to sit in the ring and Alexa wants the first question. Bayley wants to know how many questions they have to answer before they get jumped again. Alexa says that she apologizes and she had no idea that that was going to happen. She says the girls have been reprimanded.

We get a horrible plant wondering how the girls respond to social media claiming that Sasha is using Bayley. Sasha calls out Graves and says that bayley wasn’t going to find out that she was going to stab her in the back. Sasha says they are going to be tag team partners for life. Alexa calls this cute. We get another plant asking who they would like to be in a match with any wrestler who would it be. They answer in unison Trish and Lita.

We get another question, he’s Clay from Houston. He wonders what super power they would have.

Bayley says this is tough, then says it’s easy. She says she would make things disappear, and she’d start with Alexa BLiss. Her and Sasha overreact big time as Charley walks around. Alexa asks Sasha what her superpower would be. Sasha agrees with Bayley. Alexa says she took Sasha’s title, but that’s fine – which has no bearing on anything.

Another question from Raquel, who says what changes will they bring to the division in 2019.

Bayley says they had an amazing first ever all women’s PPV. Bayley says for both of them that they wanna be the first ever WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions.

Dana, Mickie, and Alicia run down the ramp. Alexa tells them that this is NOT happening tonight. She says she makes the decisions here and since they’re so eager, there will be a tag team match. Mickie and Alicia will be facing Sasha and Bayley right now. Dana can stay out here if she’d like.

What. The Fuck. Was the point…..

Match 1: Sasha Banks and Bayley vs Mickie James and Alicia Fox
We are back with the match already going down. Alicia knocks Bayley down off a distraction, and Mickie kicks Bayley in the face then kicks Bayley in the corner. Tag to ALicia and she comes in with a kick. She works Bayley’s arm then hits a Northern Lights for 1…2.NO!!! Cravat from behind. Tag to Mickie. She kicks Bayley’s head then locks on a rest hold. Bayley bounces a bit which, apparently, works, until Mickie pulls her hair and drop her down. Mickie talks shit to Sasha then grabs Bayley’s pony tail. Tag to ALicia who hits the ropes and kicks, but Bayley moves and Alicia hits Mickie with the kick. Fox goes for a body slam, but we get a tag to Sasha who knocks Fox down. A dropkick. She blocks a kick then gets one of her own. Alicia tries to roll up in the corner but Banks locks in the Baks Statement! Alicia claws the mat then Mickie breaks the hold. Tag to Mickie. She comes in with kick. Slap to the face. Banks fires back with some of her own. She locks the fingers and looks to walk the ropes, but Mickie drops her onto them then kicks her in the face. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Bayley in to stop Alicia with a Side Suplex. She konkcs Dana off the ropes then Mickie sends her to the outside Sasha rolls Mickie up for 1..2..NO!!!

Mickie with a kick. She goes for the DDT but Sasha escapes, tags Bayley. Backstabber. Bayley to Belly. 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Bayley and Sasha Banks
OH, Sasha…you’re no AJ, but you’ll do…
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Backstage, Ronda runs up on Alexa to tell her that The Riott Squad has crossed the line. Alexa says she sent them home, but Ronda will get to Nia and Tamina tonight herself. Alexa gets it, but she can’t let Ronda do that. What she can do is let Ronda find a new partner. Ronda doesn’t trust her and says she will find her own partner.

Video package for Baron Corbin with a narrator that is more exciting than the subject of said package.

Looks like Strowman vs Corbin is still going down as of tonight.

Corbin’s finisher is End of Days…I get it now…

Backstage, he’s reading something, only not really. In come Gable and Roode who want a shot at the title. Roode then says he will do anything to get his hands on Maverick. Corbin says that he gets how they are ticked off but they lost. He’s fair, though, so the two of them can have another title match if Roode wins his match tonight against Maverick. Roode wants to know what the catch is. Baron says there is no catch, but there is a condition. Gable and AOP are banned from ringside.

Lucha House Party is here, and I’m pretty sure people still don’t care.

Hey, you rmember what happened last week? Well we’re going to show you! THEN we will have the SAME match!

Dawson and Dash come out, and Dawson says that what they have here is a failure to communicate. They keep explaining the rules of tag team wrestling, but they just aren’t getting it. He thinks it’s a lack of decency and common courtesy. They don’t respect tag team wrestling. None of it matters, though, because he’ll make it simple. If they can’t respect their lessons, then tonight, he will teach them a lesson in a one-on-one match.

So, apparently, it’s a 3-on-1 under Lucha House Party RUles.

Match 2: Scott Dawson vs Lucha House Party
Metalik to start with a dropkick then a tilt a whirl drop. Tag to Lince who tags in Kalisto. They double team splash onto Dawson then Kalisto covers for 1..2..NO! Kalisto works the arm, Dawson sends him to the ropes. Lince gets a tag. Dawson sends Metalik off the apron and hits a short clothesline to Lince. Elbow drop. Again. Cover for 1..NO!! Another cover for 1…NO! Dawson lifts and locks up for a powerbomb. He sets up. Gory Special. Lince rolls out of it, crawsl under Scott, but he stops the tag. Flip over for Lince, Metalik hops over the ropes. Superkick to Dawson. Dash distracts but gets jumped off then dropkicked. Kalisto flies with a springboard front flip onto Dash. Crossbody from Lince.

Tag to Kalisto with a Solida Del Sol. Tag to Metalik who hits a senton and a pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner:
What…the fuck…is goin on?
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Backstage, Corbin is looking at the same sheet of paper he was looking at 20 mins ago. My feed goes out. I have no idea what happened. I also don’t care.

Corbin is out to the ring, without his paperwork. He says in a few weeks, he will be the permanent GM after Braun forfeits. He says he has had a hell of a year. He says he was born better than everybody else. He admits to having a few thorns in his side, including The Shield, Finn, Angle, and Braun, but with the help of one person, his journey has been pain free as of late (well, that leaves one of us). He then names tonight Drew McIntyre Appreciation Night. We get another video package that is such a good starting point for the rise of Drew, if only the story behind it wasn’t so lacking.

Drew comes out to be appreciated.

Corbin has a box with a gold medallion on it. Looks like something out of Hunger Games. Corbin explains that this is RAW’s Gold Medal of Excellence.

Drew thanks Corbin, and says this means the world to him. He was simply doing what nonbody else wsa strong enough to do. He arrived on RAW to stamp out weakness and eradicate complacency. When he walked around 7 months ago, Superstars were playing on their phones. They were happy just to collect a paycheck. They would talk to the fans like they were one of them. Not on his damned roster. He has decided to reform RAW in his image. The home of the strong, the mighty, those with the desire to give 150% 7 days a week, not just on Monday, and apparently he’s doin a very good job.

He then turns his attention to Finn. He says Finn likes to think of himself as the voice of these pathetic people. The truth is Finn is nothing more than a boy in a man’s world, and at TLC, he will hurt him and break his spirit and continu—

Drew is interrupted by Dolph Ziggler.

Ziggles comes out and says there seems to be some memory issues here. They had a deal; Dolph brought him to RAW. He sure didn’t see himself in the little video package. He doesn’t get it. Dolph was the brains, they took everyone down, Dolph thinks his invitation got lost in the mail. Drew scratches his head and tells Dolph that the truth is he was never invited. Drew is sorry, but Dolph doesn’t meet the height requirement. Drew wants to drop another truth bomb – Drew was always the brains, and the muscle, and the talent, he is the whole damned package. This relationship isn’t working. Dolph’s role was to get him in a prominent position, and look at him now. You did it, Dolph! From Drew and Baron and the Universe, thank you. Drew invites him to leave at any time.

Drew then says that his thanks isn’t good enough for Dolph and asks him if he’s going to cry. Dolph should be kissing his feet. Drew is the reason Dolph was relevant for the first time in ten years. DOlph drops the mic, turns, then aattacks!!! He escapes a hold and hits a Zig Zag then leaves the ring.

Corbin stops Dolph and tells him that he’s not going to ruin tonight. If he wants a fight, it’s happening now.

Match 3: Dolph Ziggler vs Drew McIntyre
We come to the match with Drew yellin at Dolph then stomping him a bit before hitting a catapult, sending Dolph bouncing off the ringpost. Drew leaves the ring and grabs Dolph by the head. He hits a chop, sending Dolph down again. Drew gets a fireman’s. He walks up the steps then tosses Dolph over the top rope into the ring. Drew stomps his hand. Drew works the arm from behind. Dolph turns into the hold then hits ar ight hand. Chop to the chest. Another. Another. Dolph hits the ropes, flies and goes for th DDT but Drew catches him and hits an over the head toss. Drew grabs Dolph and chops him against the ropes. Dolph rolls to the outside. Drew asks for a mic.

He says that maybe he still has a soft spot for Dolph. He’s going to just pretend that Dolph is Finn Balor.

He lifts Dolph then drives him into the apron, then the barricade, then the apron again, then hits a spinebuster. Drew sends Dolph into the ring then follows and yells at Dolph to fight. Dolph is slow to stand. He goes for a right, but it’s blocked. Chop from Drew.

Finn Balor comes out whispering sweet nothings as he heads down the ramp.

Back to the squash and Dolph kicks out of the corner. Drew catches a second kick, hits a back elbow, then hits an Alabama Slam! Cover for 1..2…NO!!!! Finn is now watching from outside the ring. Drew sits Dolph up on the corner and chops him hard. Drew locks the head and sets up for a Superplex. Dolph attacks the back a few times, then gets a bunch of rights, sending Drew off the corner. Dolph flies, catches the head and hits a DDT. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Ziggler sends Drew to the outside then hops on the apron and flies off with a clothesline and a bunch of punches. He grabs Drew by the head and sends him into the barricade. Chop to Drew. He sends his head into the barricade. Drew with a headbutt!!! Drew drops Ziggler onto the barricade, squashing his nuts in the process. Drew grabs Dolph and whips him into the ring. The ref checks on Dolph and Finn, out of nowhere, hits a dropkick, sending Drew into the barricade. Finn then leaves. The ref starts the ten count. He gets to 3, and he’s countng fast.

The ref gets to 9 and Drew rolls into the ring. SUPERKICK FROM DOLPH!!! Pin for 1…..2…..3!!!

Winner:
-yawn-
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Hey look, a Smackdown commercial! Must be trying to help them out since they sucked so badly at Survivor Series.

Backstage, Charley asks Drew if it’s smart to beat up Dolph considering how many people he’s pissed off. Drew says that Dolph was never a friend, but he for sure is an enemy. Dolph knows how sick and twisted Drew can be. He attached himself to Drew to reach the top of the mountain, but he is the damned mountain. Dolph is a marked man.

Elias is in the ring with his shampooed hair. He plays a slick tune and says he’s been searching for Lashley all day, but in this city, he’s harder to find than Carmello Anthony. The reason Lashley is hiding is because he is afraid of the living truth. He has looked into Lashley’s eyes and felt the fear he carries. At TLC, there will be no more hiding. On that night, he will find out what we all know.

Before Elias could playa song, Lio comes out with Lashley and says the spotlight belongs to him. YOu had to have seen and felt the power of th ebig man last week, but come TLC, he will feel it again and again and again, because this man has the most magnificent body in the world. He’s a Greek God. Lio asks for a side chest pose. He then asks for a double bicep, and finally….Lashley’s favorite pose.

Lashley bends over and taps his ass. Elias leaves the ring with his guitar in hand. He rushes up the ramp. Lashley kicks him. Lashley with a right hand. Another. He beats him down on the head a few times. Lashley carries him to the screen, but Elias reverses and sends Lashley into the screen. Lio distracts and Elias chases Lsahley to the back with his guitar. Apparently, there is a forcefield back there that prevents ELias from heading any further into the back, because he comes back out frustrated.

Lio gets tossed into the front of the camera man and Elias cracks him across the back with the guitar. We look over to the announcers, and FInn Balor is there all smiles. Apparently, he sent Lio into the attack zone.

Backstage, Corbin is practicing peaceful breathing with Jinder. He says that at TLC, Corbin will end Braun. He doesn’t care what the rumors are. As for tonight, let Jinder take care of FInn Balor. Corbin loves it. He calls Braun a one-armed man, which gets a laugh from everyone.

Slater and Rhyno come in to what is most obviously not a room. Corbin says that he has come to a conclusion with regards to these two. He looks at that dastardly same paper, then closes his book and says there is only enoguh room on RAW for one of them. Slater says that if one of them quits, the other one could stay. Corbin then makes a match, and whoever loses is fired.

Drake comes out for his match acting afraid as fuck, which makes little sense considering he is a trained wrestler who shouldn’t fear a match.

Match 4: Bobby Roode vs Drake Maverick
Roode with a right hand to the face. He attacks Drake in the corner and beats him down. On the screen, we see AOP beating Gable’s ass. They toss him into a rack of plastic shit. Corbin runs over there and says he changed his mind and this is now a 3-on-2 match.

Roode grabs Maverick and pulls him into the ring. He attaks the head but Maverick hits him in the gut. Roode with the Glorious DDT and pins but in come Akam and Razar. They toss Roode into the ringpost then Razar beats down on Roode over and over a few times. He locks the head and tags in Akam. Stomp from the 2nd rope and a few more afterwards. Right to the gut just as Chad Gable makes his way down the ramp. He hops on the apron and gets brought into the ring the hard way. He fights back against both members of AOP but it’s shortlived. They lift him then big boot Gable. Razar with a splash in the corner.

The super collider powerbomb move for Gable and Roode. Tag to Drake who coems in and pins for 1..2…3!!!

Winner:

Match Quality:
Personal Enjoyment:
Total Rating:

So we come back to RAW, and Right to Censor is bout to come out.

Wait, nevermind. A bunch of dudes in gas masks come out to line the ramp on either side as a poison warning type siren runs repeatedly. Finally, the music of Ambrose hits, and he comes out wearing a gas mask of his own, a brown jacket with a fur lining, and a chain.
Of course, we ask Renee what she has to say, and she says we’ll see what Dean has to say, then react to that.

The gas squad circle the ring as Dean breathes heavily. He’s like the cheapest version of Bane possible…

He’s like the exact photo you’d see on the shitty halloween costume version of Bane. “Villainous Strong Man” Dean.

Dean cuts a mini promo with the mask on and its as horrible an idea as one would assume. He then says that Seth is like all of us; needy and emotional. He says that Seth always needed and wanted something, just like us, sticking our phones in his faces just to add some excitement in our lives. Dean asks if we have any idea what it’s like to live with someone who alwys has to have control? Is he talking about Renee? Everyone knows someone like that, and if we had guts, we’d slap that person in the mouth.

The Shield used to be something he was proud of until they started sucking up to people. WE WANT ROLLINS chant. Really? Says Dean. Sometimes life sucks nd you don’t always get what you want.

Ain’t that the truth…

Seth and Reigns sold out. He has never changed, he is a constant, he is the last man in this industry with integrity. The only thing he is guilty of is trusting people. No more. He is proud to stand alone in this ring as the moral compass of the WWE. He wants Seth to understand what is going to happen at TLC; he’s going to drop the ball. Seth will lose control and his emotions. He says that You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. He didn’t see the light until he was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding!

Seth attacks from behind after his music hits , and the gas mask team comes into the ring just to get their ass kicked. Dean is sent to the outside. Seth sends all of the “SWAT” members to the outside. Seth with apowerbomb sending one of them outside onto all the others. Suicide dive attempt to Dean, but he pulls a dude in front of him. Drew escapes and Seth chases and they fight into the crowd. They get bak towards the ring and Ambrose hits Seth with a gas mask, which is apparently very, very sharp. Ambrose hits him in the face with it again. Over and over.

Bane Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds on Seth.

Another one, this time in the middle of the ring.

We go to commentary, and Renee admits that she knows nothing. Corey asks if she knows. Renee is offended.

Backstage, NIa and Tamina are at catering. Charley asks them about their match tonight. She says that tonight, Ronda will be teaming with Ember Moon. Nia says she was hoping it was Charley. She knows that sounds ridiculous. Tamina stares at Charley like she’s a slim jim. Nia knows why Ember was chosing. Tamina has been jumping her, and you know whY? So that they don’t have to look at her face. Tonight, from across the ring, they will see her face.

Match 5: Heath Slater vs Rhyno
Rhyno with a right hand to start. He corners Heath and beats down on him. Chop to the chest. Clothesline. Sends Heath into the corner for some more chops.

Slater gets a neckbreaker. Pin to Rhyno. 1..2…3!!

Winner:

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Rhyno is frustrated. Heath is sad. No one cares.

Backstage, Slater is sad. Corbin congratulates him and says that he has a uniform. He hands him a ref shirt as this is now Slater’s role…

Match 5: Jinder Mahal vs Finn Balor
Jinder beats up on Finn then breathes then gets chopped in the corner. Back elbow from Jinder then a side headlock. Jinder drops FInn onto the ropes.

Back from a break, and Jinder runs into some boots in the corner. Elbow to Jinder. Clothesline. Chop in the corner. Balor hops over Jinder in the corner. Stomp to the chest. SLingblade. Dropkick in the corner. So, The Singh brothers get involved, and Apollo of all people come down to help, but Jinder kicks him in the face.

inn flies over the top rope and Jinder nearly lets him fall on his fucking head. Dropkick in the corner. COup De Grace. Pin for 1..2..3!!!

Winner: Finn Balor

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Charley be everywhere. She stops Finn to say that he has had a hell of a night. In comes Drew to send Finn into a bunch of empty kegs. Finn is KOd and Drew beats him over and over until Teddy Long Jr and another ref come to stop him. Drew stops, then attacks again until someone gets in between he and FInn.

Lars video package.

Match 6: Nia Jax and Tamina vs Ronda Rousey and Ember Moon
As Ember is making her way to the ring, the big girls attck Ronda. Ember comes down to help and they get Nia and Tamina to the outside and celebrate this. Tamina and Nia regroup.

Back from a break, and Nia is eating Ember in the corner. Tag to Tamina who hits a right hand to Ember then another in the middle of the ring. Hip toss fail from Tamina, and Ember gets an arm drag. Right to the corner. Tag to Ronda. She catches a kick and pulls Tamina down hard then hits aknee after a tag from Ember. Ember drops Tamina face first. Cover for 1..2..NO! Ember front flips into an elbow. Nia comes in to distract. Ember talks some shit. Tamina with a superkick. Cover for 1..2.NO!! Tamina sends Ember into the heel corner and kicks a few times then tags in Nia. Nia raises her fist then punches Ember in the stomach. Nia pulls on the weave then headbutts Ember own. Nia with a submission then ragdolls her. Ember with a back elbow She escapes the hold, gets a jawbreaker, then follishly tries to crawl under NIa. Nia sets up for a powerbomb, but Ember hits a frankensteiner. Ember goes fo ra tag, but Nia knocks Ronda off the apron. Tamina attacks Ember as the ref is busy with Ronda. Tag to Tamina. Headbutt from Tamina. She goes for another, but Ember just…falls? Ok….

Tamina whips Ember into the corner chest first. Tamina then goes for a splash, but Ember moves and Tamina knocks Nia off the apron. Ember with an enziguri. Tag to Ronda who comes in with a clothesline. ANother. A third. Knees to Tamina in the center of the ring. A kick sends Tamina to the corner. She yells at Nia to tag Tamina. Tag her now. Tamina tags in Nia. Nia seems concerned. She enters then tags Tamina back in. Ronda grabs Nia by the head and flips her ass into the ring. Tamina tries to sneak attack. Ronda with a flurry of punches into the corner. Ronda with a running punch kinda like Roman. Tamina in the center of the ring. Ronda runs up Tamina and spin kicks Ronda! It looks sweet as fuck but doesn’t connect. Ember attacks NIa. Ronda with akick. Tamina rolls up ROnda for 1..2..NO!!!!

Ronda blocks a right hand and drags her into the left side. Eclipse from Ember. Ronda with an arm bar. Tamina taps.

Winners: Ronda Rousey and Ember Moon
Ronda looked good…
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

End Show

End Life