The Name on the Marquee: WWF at Los Angeles Sports Arena (12.17.1988)

-It’s December 17, 1988.

-Your hosts are Rod Trongard and Superstar Billy Graham. Graham misspeaks in spectacular fashion to start us off, calling Hulk Hogan “the man with bionic balls–biceps!”

BORIS ZHUKOV vs. LEAPING LANNY POFFO
-Poffo is subbing for Blue Blazer, who’s suffering from a serious case of Hurt Balls Syndrome after the Survivor Series and is taking some time off. So there you go, Owen Hart and the guy who played Mr. Belvedere have something in common.

-Boris applies a side headlock, but Lanny switches it around. Boris tries whipping him in the ropes, but Lanny holds onto his beard while being pushed into the ropes. Boris tries a test of strength but Poffo gets fancy on him, tumbling backward to put pressure on Zhukov’s wrists and forcing a break. Drop toehold by Poffo, and he holds onto it before grabbing Zhukov’s arms and Garvinizing him. Stepover toehold by Poffo, but Zhukov breaks with a rake of the eyes and lights into him with chops and a headbutt. Lanny gets good and mad, backdropping Zhukov and monkeyflipping him, but when he goes for a second monkeyflip, Boris counters in with an inverted atomic drop. Clothesline off the second rope gives Boris a rare singles victory. 1 for 1. Nothing wrong with it, although if you went to the ’80s Wrestling Store and said, “Yes, I’d like an opening match please,” this is what you’d get.

TITO SANTANA vs. GREG “The Hammer” VALENTINE
-Valentine has a war of words with Graham at ringside, and Tito dives for the Heartbreaker (and I think that’s the first time they’ve used that name for the leg brace) until Valentine goes to the floor to get away from him. Back in, Valentine chops Tito down and applies a facelock. Tito forces his way out and gives him some lefts, then works his arm. They slug it out and Tito drives a knee right into Valentine’s nose. They head out to the floor and fight it out for a bit, with Tito winning that handily and Valentine going back into the ring to beg for mercy, He tries crawling backward to the corner, but Tito just sees that as an opportunity and slides outside to grab Valentine’s shins and crotch him against the post.

-Tito goes after the leg, but Valentine gives him a thumb to the eye and they do an NWA style spot where Valentine fights for a pin. Tito grabs the tights, under the impression that Greg Valentine’s ass is a way to get a highly coveted “2 for 2” from Adam Nedeff. Crowd makes this work, as Valentine aggressively pounds on Tito and leaves him writhing, but looks around and realizes everyone’s just laughing at him for getting his tights yanked down, and he looks like a bully who just realized no one’s afraid of him. Tito unexpectedly goes low to make his comeback, but Valentine raises the knees to block a corner charge. I don’t think I’ve seen anybody in 1988 wrestling other than Sting hit a corner charge successfully in at least three months. The missed corner charge is to 1988 what the false tag spot was to 1987.

-Shoulderbreaker by Valentine gets two. Boxing match breaks out and Tito wins it, and he tries to put this one away with a figure fur, but Valentine gives him a shot to the eye and begins going to work on Tito’s leg, setting up his own figure four. Tito grabs his hair and turns it into a cradle for two. Valentine tries again, but Tito uses his free leg to shove Valentine into the corner. Another straight up fight emerges and Tito suplexes Valentine to stop that. Tito finally applies a figure four and this crowd pops like they just heard Austin’s glass shatter. But the bell sounds as soon as he has it locked and the 20 minute time limit has expired. Fabulous match that left the crowd (and me) wanting more. 2 for 2.

JIM POWERS vs. BAD NEWS BROWN
-Bad News tries his usual sneak attack, but Jim Powers has actually done his homework and knocks Bad News right out of the ring. Bad News is so embarrassed that he heads back to the locker room, but thinks better of it and heads back. He gets distracted jawing with the fans, allowing Powers to slingshot him back in and dropkick him, and Bad News has more egg on his face. BAd News gives Powers a big cheesy smile and offers him a handshake. Powers reciprocates but sees the boot coming and goes on the attack, but…wait for it…he goes for a corner charge and Bad News boots him down to take control.

-Powers surprises him with a bodypress for two. Bad News fights back, sending him to the floor and slamming him out there for good measure. Back in, Powers surprises him with a monkeyflip and both men are reeling. Powers makes a comeback but…for god’s sake, he misses a corner charge. Bad News attacks the back and whips him into the corner OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Okay, so Bad News crashes in the corner. Attempted dropkick by Powers misses and Bad News tries to put him away with a splash, but Powers raises the knees and throws some punches. Dropkick by Powers gets two. Suplex for two more. Great finish sees Powers leapfrog Bad News, and Bad News turns right around and hits the ghetto blaster to get the three-count. 2 for 3. They never found a groove, alternating control with every single spot.

-Mr. Fuji waddles into the ring and demands the microphone. He declares that he’s the new manager of the Powers of Pain. He picks a fight with Jim Powers and Powers is dumb enough to fall for it, and the Powers attack Powers in a sickening display of Powers-on-Powers violence.

TAG TEAM TITLE: DEMOLITION (Champions) vs. POWERS OF PAIN (with Mr. Fuji)
-Demolition storms to the ring without their masks, vests, or chaps, and clears the Powers of Pain out twice, then Ax axes Barbarian down. Smash smashes away and applies a neck vice. Barbarian gives him a shot to the throat and takes over., Warlord tags in and Demolition recovers in short order, with Ax pounding away and applying a chinlock. Barbarian breaks the hold, and Fuji slips over and smacks Ax with the cane for good measure. Ax gets worked over by the Powers of Pain right up until Warlord yep-you-guessed-it and Smash tags in. He clotheslines Barbarian to the floor for another thunderous pop. Brawl breaks out and Ax gets his hands on Fuji’s cane in the middle of it, and puts it to good use until the referee gets fed up and DQs both teams. Odd match, in that it was short and neither member of Demolition was ever in any real peril; it was like a Wrestling Challenge feature bout. But it was fine for what it was. 3 for 4.

HERCULES vs. “The Million Dollar Man” TED DIBIASE (with Virgil)
-DiBiase currently makes his residence in Bel-Air, which makes me think that was a guest appearance opportunity that the WWF really dropped the ball on. Imagine DiBiase snapping his fingers and having Virgil throw Jazz through the front door.

-Hercules beats DiBiase into the mat. DiBiase fights back and goes to the second rope for an axehandle. Hercules fights back, ramming DiBiase into the turnbuckle, but he goes for a corner charge. Gasp. DiBiase raised his boot. There was just no way to anticipate that. Isn’t there an agent in the back watching a monitor who could go around the locker room and say, “Hey guys, how about for the rest of the night…”?

-DiBiase slams Hercules and goes for the backward falling elbow that never connects, but Hercules rolls out of the way and goes to work with lefts and rights. Full nelson is applied, but DiBiase fights it so hard that the referee gets wiped out in the process. Torture rack by Hercules, but Virgil grabs the chain and gives him a shot to the abs right before the referee revives, and DiBiase gets the pin. 3 for 5. DiBiase was game, but Herc was in full punchy-kicky mode tonight. Rod Trongard says something incredibly weird, expressing respect to DiBiase for being able to withstand the torture rack, even though the referee was out cold and Virgil cheated to break the hold.

-Rod Trongard interviews the Big Boss Man and “Dr. Slick.” Next, Trongard welcomes “Hercules Cortez,” as it’s becoming very clear why Tony Schiavone was welcomed with open arms two months later.

KOKO B. WARE vs. AKEEM (with Slick)
-Slick doesn’t look like himself tonight, coming to the ring not only without his tie and cane, but he’s also hatless. Repeat, hatless. Koko heads to the ring without Frankie.

-At ringside, Graham tells Koko as the bell rings to do hit-and-run tactics, and Koko listens to him, attacking Akeem and keeping his distance after each impact. Akeem takes over and chokes out Koko and hammers him repeatedly. Bearhug by Akeem. Koko fights free and Akeem stays on his back before he can show any whiff of a comeback. Akeem tries to finish him off with an avalanche…yes…and Koko makes his comeback with rapid punches and a dropkick. He goes for a corner charge and misses, and Akeem splashes him to end it before either of them had a chance to exhaust themselves by thinking up fresh ideas for spots. 3 for 6. Boring as hell. The WWF actually gave everybody a rare eight day break after this weekend of shows and I guess these two decided to start early.

LADIES’ TITLE: ROCKIN’ ROBIN (Champion) vs. SENSATIONAL SHERRI
-Sherri attacks right away with kicks, but Robin takes her on a tour of the turnbuckles. Sherri stalls for a bit before Robin starts working the arm. Robin tricks Sherri into looking at the ceiling and then sucker-punching her. Robin MISSES A CORNER CHARGE and do a shot. Rear chinlock by Sherri, followed by a stepover toehold. Then to a chinlock. Robin misses a bodypress, showing that it needn’t be a corner one must aim for in order for a charge to miss. They trade punches, and an elbow by Robin gets two. Sherri clotheslines her for two. She sends Robin into the ropes for something, but Robin catches her with a bulldog on the way back and gets three outta nowhere. 4 for 7 because Sherri worked her ass off to get both of them over.

HULK HOGAN vs. BIG BOSS MAN (with Slick)
-Hogan doesn’t have his headband on to bring tonight’s theme of people not bothering with their usual entrance stuff to a thrilling close. He does have his own nightstick, however. Hogan yanks Boss Man to the floor and whips him from post to post, and then whacks him with a chair in full view of the referee. Slick steps in as Hulk teases using the nightstick, and the attempted sneak attack backfires as Boss Man ends up accidentally avalanching his own manager. So the one corner charge that hits tonight was an accident. Hogan pulls out a set of handcuffs and handcuffs Slick to the turnbuckle, and then slaps the shit out of him while he’s handcuffed. And mind you, the main offense Slick committed here was trying to stop Hogan from using a weapon.

-Back in, Hogan beats up Boss Man some more, then just stops in mid-ass kicking, goes to the floor, and slaps the shit out of Slick some more. Top babyface. Back in the ring, Hogan faceplants Boss Man, then goes to the floor and slaps Slick around some more. Back in, he rams Boss Man from turnbuckle to turnbuckle and slams him…then he heads out to the floor and slaps Slick AGAIN. Jesus, at this point, we don’t even need an incriminating prison audio recording.

-Boss Man finally takes over with a spinebuster, then pulls out a key and frees Slick, and Hogan has earned EVERYTHING that’s about to happen to him. Boss Man chokes him out with Slick adding leverage to the hold. Piledriver by Boss Man gets two. He goes for a piledriver, but Hogan counters by backdropping him over the top rope, which takes out a camera. Back in, Boss Man hits the side slam out of nowhere and a splash gets two. Hulk hulks up, but they change up the formula, as they spill out to the floor and Boss Man gets lucky, ramming him into the post and cutting off the big comeback. Boss Man handcuffs him and just leaves him out there on the floor. The chain is ridiculously long on this pair of handcfufs and he can still move his arms around pretty freely.

-Hogan goes back in and Boss Man hammers away and headbutts the handcuffed Hulkster…but a CORNER FUCKING CHARGE MISSES and Hulk snaps the handcuffs apart in his fury before pinning Boss Man with the legdrop. And hey, sure, let’s beat up Slick one last time. 4 for 8. Hulk was SUCH a dick tonight. A handful of fans pelt Hogan with trash during the poses too.

5.0

The final score: review Not So Good

The 411

The only thing in 1988 with more failed attempts at charging than this show was a Crockett family credit card. Am I right?