Random Network Reviews: Massacre on 34th Street

Massacre on 34th Street
December 3rd, 2000 | Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan, New York | Attendance: 2,600

Towards the end of their run, ECW began to run monthly Pay-Per-Views instead of bi-monthly. It was an effort to make money since their TV deal was dead. The second to last PPV they ever ran was this one, the first and only Massacre on 34th Street. Running shows at the Hammerstein Ballroom became a thing for ECW at the tail end of their run and this was the venue for their last two Pay-Per-Views.

Steve Corino, the ECW World Heavyweight Champion, opens things backstage by cutting a promo with Jack Victory. He craps on past champions like Bruno Sammartino, Ric Flair and Pedro Morales. It does turn funny when Steve asks if Jack wants the belt but he declines, despite the “internet rumors.” Fun stuff but starting backstage is strange. Cut to the ring where Joey Styles and Joel Gertner introduce the show. Gertner does his usual great rhyming stuff.

Christian York and Joey Matthews vs. Simon Diamond and Swinger
Simon Diamond cuts a pre-match promo on Joey Matthews and Christian York. How crazy is it that Matthews has found a way to stay relevant on television some 15 years after this. Dawn Marie comes out and basically says that the winners of this match get her managerial services. That’s some serious incentive. York and Matthews work some cool double team moves as this starts quickly. As the match calms, York takes a beating from the heels. The Simon Series is hit, which is like Three Amigos but with a Northern lights suplex and sitout inverted suplex involved. It’s sweet. They miscommunicate on a double team move and York plants Swinger. Matthews tags and comes in hot, hitting a suicide dive before York dove out to them. I really wish WWE would have picked up York and Matthews, because they were a fun team. Simonizer connects on Matthews but he’s up quickly. York takes out Simon with a sunset flip bomb as Swinger eats a top rope hurricanrana and York nails a diving knee or something on him to win.

Winners: Christian York and Joey Matthews in 5:38
Short opener but fast paced and fun. The crowd was hot for most of it and it was enjoyable. **½

After the match, Dawn Marie basically says screw this and turns on Christian York instantly. Simon Diamond and Swinger hit their finisher as Dawn kisses Simon and they leave. I believe Simon was her real life boyfriend at the time. Joel Gertner leaves commentary to check on Joey Matthews, who looks to have injured his arm on the hurricanrana.

Backstage, Danny Doring and Roadkill cut a promo. They’re still one of the oddest pairings I have ever seen.

Balls Mahoney vs. EZ Money w/ Hot Commodity
Elektra is gross looking and she puts dollar bills into Money’s G-string. It’s all too much for my eyes. With Joel Gertner gone, Cyrus has replaced him on commentary. Balls is super over. As the math starts, they do basic stuff until Balls misses an ugly cross body and lands outside. Money follows with a dive as Hot Commodity hold Balls in place. I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. Inside, Balls hits a nice suplex for two. He then pays Hot Commodity back by diving out onto them. Inside, he misses the New Jersey Jam and eats the Money Clip. Joey Styles knew or made up names for every single move. I believe a “you got implants” chant starts towards Elektra, which is clear. Balls gets a near fall on a second rope suplex. Now it’s a “she’s got herpes” chant, which is less obvious but still possible. Money goes up and misses a swanton, leading to a superkick for two. These two are moving surprisingly quickly. The WWE Network blurred a middle finger just now, but didn’t censor Doring dropping the f-bomb in his promo. Hot Commodity all jump Mahoney, as we get a neckbreaker, leg drop and moonsault to steal this.

Winner: EZ Money in 7:52
While I don’t think this should have gone longer than the opener, it was surprisingly enjoyable. They moved rather quickly and employed a series of counters and offense that was rather impactful. **¼

As Hot Commodity put the boots to Balls Mahoney, Nova runs out and takes them all on. He dives out onto them for an “ECW” chant. In classic ECW fashion, this turns into an impromptu match.

Nova vs. Julio Deniro
Balls Mahoney stays at ringside to make sure Hot Commodity doesn’t involved here. Like most Nova matches, it’s just high impact offense. Nova hits what Joey Styles calls a “sledge-o-matic” and Deniro gets two with a Vertebreaker. Honestly, that move should ALWAYS be a match ender. Styles keeps mentioning that this is a different and more aggressive Nova. I honestly don’t notice that much of a difference. Enziguri connects before Nova is tossed into a steel chair from Chris Hamrick. Why isn’t Balls Mahoney doing his job? Nova is fine and nearly jams Julio’s neck with Cross Rhodes, but he calls it Spin Doctor. Elektra gets in his face and takes Kryptonite Krunch while Money and Hamrick do NOTHING about it but watch. They come in to save Julio though, only to get taken out by Balls with the chair. Nova connects on the swanton bomb that Money missed earlier and Nova gets the duke.

Winner: Nova in 5:59
It seemed like an unfocused match, which I guess makes sense since it was “impromptu.” None of the interference really worked, despite it being a major part of the match. As with the first two matches, the guys were working hard, it just didn’t come off right here. *¼

Rhino, the ECW Television Champion, cuts a trademark promo from his ECW days. He curses a bunch and pretty much threatens to murder Spike Dudley.

ECW World Tag Team Championship
The FBI (c) w/ Big Sal vs. Danny Doring and Roadkill
As faces, this was supposed to be a more serious version of Danny Doring and Roadkill. If they lose, they will split as a team. Doring is overplaying the serious look for sure. Doring and Guido have a standoff that ends with both guys whiffing on dropkicks. Doring remembers that he’s supposed to be angry and serious and just pummels Guido. Tony Mamaluke nails an impressive tornado DDT onto Roadkill on the outside. Guido levels Doring with a chair and they do a double team powerbomb onto it for two. The champions work over Doring for a bit. Despite being super skinny for a wrestler, Mamaluke was pretty good. Guido hits the Sicilian Slice for two. Hot tag to Roadkill who is on fire and seems to relish in tossing around his smaller opponents, but he also has fun diving out onto the larger Big Sal. The crowd is red hot. Meanwhile, Mamaluke gets hit with a top rope move by Doring for two. Surprisingly, the crowd had no reaction for that. Guido lays him out with the belt but that only gets two. We get the biggest spot so far as a Doring superkick to Mamaluke sends him flying chest first onto the guardrail and into the crowd! This man advantage leads to the Buggy Bang and we have new champions.

Winners and New ECW World Tag Team Champions: Danny Doring and Roadkill in 9:12
A really solid bout that is the best of the show so far. It flew by quickly, the right team went over, the crowd was hot and it was another fun match. Also, Tony Mamaluke may have died. The pop for the win didn’t seem loud but it might have been because of the dubbed in WWE Network music. ***

In the back, Little Spike Dudley mocks Rhino’s promo before straight up saying “ Fuck You”. He then brings up all of the giants he overcame. The Giant Killer gimmick worked for Spike Dudley. We cut to the ring where a guy is wiping the ropes and each time he goes around, the crowd goes “oooh” with him. I was at a live show in the Hammerstein Ballroom to witness this and it was pretty fun.

Grudge Match
CW Anderson vs. Tommy Dreamer
In a way of showing how much of a grudge match this is, CW Anderson cuts off the ring introductions and goads Tommy Dreamer into fighting now. Cyrus sets the stage by bringing up Dreamer’s bad back and the fact that Anderson is the best at picking apart a body part. Tommy surprisingly tries to wrestle early on, but can’t hang with CW who hits a shoulder stunner. Things spill outside where Dreamer is crotched on the guardrail as CW gets some chairs. He opens one on the ring post, places Tommy’s arm in it and hits it with a chair twice! SICK! I guess I was wrong about Cyrus as the target is the arm and not the back. They fight in the crowd for a short while. Back inside, CW continues to go after the arm, which Tommy sells well. Tommy hits an atomic drop onto the open chair before bringing the towel boy thing we just saw into play by wiping CW across the ropes. So we witnessed towel boy for a reason. CW brings towel boy in but it only leads to him eating a tornado DDT. Lou E. Dangerously appears to shove towel boy and break a cell phone over Tommy’s head. The real Paul E. shows up to take out Lou and Tommy hits the Spicoli Driver for two. The crowd is 100% into all of this. Tommy tries the DDT but it’s countered into the Ferris Wheel for two. In trademark Tommy fashion, he baseball slides a chair into CW and then hits a weak looking piledriver. A table is brought into play and laid flat on the mat. CW superplexes Tommy and his bad back onto it but only gets two! That partially broken table is set up in the corner but reversed so the legs are out. Tommy’s move is countered and CW spinebusters him through the table, legs and all! That serious bump gets the duke.

Winner: CW Anderson in 16:47
My favorite match so far. CW Anderson was on a bit of a roll in late 2000 and this was probably his biggest win. It was a fun brawl. The early focus on the arm was odd since it was the back that played into the finish. Speaking of the finish, it was a sick way to end it. Great brawl. ***½

ECW World Television Championship
Rhino (c) vs. Little Spike Dudley
At some point near the start of the year, Rhino destroyed Spike Dudley and broke his leg, keeping him out of action for nine month. Spike attacks at the bell and goes for the Acid Drop, which is how he’s beaten bigger guys in short fashion. It fails here but he does go for the leg of the champion. Rhino goes for a chair and knocks Spike silly with it twice, busting him open. As Rhino pounds on Spike, a “boring” chant breaks out. I guess they hear the fans because they try to entertain by going out through the crowd. Spike leaps from a balcony onto Rhino, but it somehow doesn’t even seem exciting. They make it back to the ring and Rhino stops the Acid Drop by sending Spike outside through a table. Spike is always resilient, gets up and ties Rhino’s leg to the bottom rope, before going after it with a chair. Rhino trips him up and gets the tape off before using it to choke out Spike. It looked legitimate as Spike seems to have pulled a Droz and puked in the ring.

Winner and Still ECW World Television Champion: Rhino in 9:50
Nothing special here. Spike attempted to tell the resilient story and go after the leg but it didn’t connect and came off as rather dull at times. *½

After the match, Rhino hits Spike with more chair shots before setting up a table in the corner and using the GOREGOREGORE on an official. Backstage, Steve Corino is talking with Jack Victory when Francine comes in to “give Steve a warmup” since he’s champion and she loves champions. He has “taken care of himself already” so he tells her to take care of Jack. It was all a setup as Justin Credible lays out Corino and Francine uses, um, too much teeth on Jack.

Mikey Whipwreck and Yoshihiro Tajiri w/ the Sinister Minister vs. Super Crazy and Kid Kash
The never ending, but always enjoyable feud between Super Crazy and Tajiri continues here as Crazy has to select a mystery partner. Tajiri and Whipwreck beat up Crazy instantly while Kash takes his sweet ass time coming out. Joey Styles claims this has potential to steal the show. Whipwreck and Kash open things up with a fun little standoff involving some nice offense. Tag to Tajiri, who only wants Crazy. Handspring elbow connects but Crazy kip ups quickly and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker only for Tajiri to kip up. In a world with tons of ECW and indie standoffs, these two do what may be my favorite in history, which is a bit too fast to fully type out. Go watch it. Tajiri locks in a Sharpshooter of sorts and when Crazy reaches the ropes, Mikey leg drops him. They get Kash and Crazy next to each other on the rope and both dropkick them into three chairs. Hard to describe for sure. Dual baseball slides miss, so Crazy nails a springboard moonsault onto them outside and Kash leaps off the official for a diving front flip. HIGHSPOTS EVERYWHERE! Corkscrew dive inside from Kash before dueling ten punches, counted in Spanish of course. Mikey and Tajiri work a spot that Hot Commodity did earlier so not a fan of that. They do double dropkick Kash right in the mush. Two chairs are opened by the corner and Kash eats a top rope WHIPPERSNAPPER onto them! He follows that with another off the apron and through a table! Good lord! Crazy hits the trio of moonsaults onto Tajiri and both guys go up top shortly after. A sunset flip from Crazy is broken up because Tajiri held a chair and nailed him with it. TARANTULA! Tajiri blinds him with the green mist before things get even crazier. Kash hits a top rope hurricanrana onto Mikey to the outside and through a table! Inside, Tajiri shreds Crazy with various dropkicks. He ends it by placing multiple steel chairs on Crazy and opens a table over him. He delivers a diving double stomp through the table and onto all of the chairs and Crazy.

Winners: Mikey Whipwreck and Yoshihiro Tajiri in 18:24
One of my favorite spot fests of all time. These guys knew what the crowd wanted and said screw it to traditional tag matches. This may not be for everyone, but I really enjoyed it. It was never slow, featured big spot after big spot and was the shot in the arm needed after the dull TV Title match. ****

We get a Baldies promo in the subway where they say there will be a massacre on 34th street. Strange.

ECW World Heavyweight Championship Three Way Dance
Steve Corino (c) w/ Jack Victory vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Justin Credible w/ Francine
For the uninitiated, the Three Way Dance is a Triple Threat match, done elimination style. A “We want Sandman” chant starts, which saddens me because Sandman sucks. Steve Corino high fives Francine in secret before Jerry Lynn lays them both out with Justin Credible’s cane. All three just hammer on each other for a while, with nobody really gaining an advantage. This, like nearly every other match, goes through the crowd. Nothing of note really happens out there. Inside, Credible hits a powerbomb on Lynn, before grabbing a microphone and cursing out both of his opponents. It’s an odd thing to do mid-match since he’s not that good on the stick. Lynn comes back with a tombstone for two before hitting the Van Daminator on Corino. Francine gets involved but eats a superkick from Credible by mistake. He still manages to hit That’s Incredible and eliminate Lynn. Cyrus gets pissed about a “screwjob” on commentary and leaves the booth. This would lead to Lynn’s short lived heel turn before ECW closed their doors. While Corino and Credible fight in the aisle, the cameraman instead focuses completely on Francine. Literally, she’s going nothing and it is all we see. When we finally go back them, Corino brings out a ladder. The crowd chants “Ahmed Johnson” for some strange reason. At least it sounds like that. Credible suplexes Corino onto the ladder for two. Despite the weapon, this has slowed since Lynn’s departure. They fight up to the balcony where Credible hits Corino with the cane a few times and he falls over. It’s not as cool as I made it sound. As they make it back to the ring, Corino nails Old School Expulsion to retain.

Winner and Still ECW World Heavyweight Champion: Steve Corino in 22:51
Definitely a lackluster end to a solid show. The stuff when Jerry Lynn was involved was alright, but after that it was just Steve Corino and Justin Credible going through the motions of beating each other up. At least the crowd was hot. **

Once Steve Corino wins, the Sandman appears to cane the hell out of him and Jack Victory. He then steals the ECW Title.

Overall: 7/10. A solid ECW Pay-Per-View. While the two big title matches were rather disappointing, there were some gems on this card. The spotfest tag match ruled and we got a badass grudge match brawl between CW Anderson and Tommy Dreamer. With more good matches than bad, this moves along briskly and was enjoyable but unspectacular.