wrestling / TV Reports
The 2005 Great American Bash Breakdown
I couldn’t fail the troops, could I? My laptop is still being serviced by the lovely people at Circuit City (3 weeks running, or in their words “10 business days). So, I go old school on this PPV and transcribe from notes using the public comp at the hotel down the street.
Melina must have hooked up with Paul London and accidentally put on his boots when she hurried to the ring. Either that or…you don’t think. “HUSS!” “HUSS!” “HUSS!” Remember when WCW brought back Animal in 2001 and everyone made fun of them for using over-the-hill hasbeens? Now it’s retro, I guess. Cole points out that Animal has never held this version of the tag titles. How astute of you, Michael. Heidenreich overpowers Mercury, causing him to stall forever. Animal gets sick of that and delivers a double suplex to both members of MNM. Nitro clips Heidenreich’s leg to take over. The crowd dies down a bit as MNM works Heidenreich’s leg. Heidenreich shoves Mercury away and makes the hot tag to Animal. Animal dominates, but Nitro blasts him with the tag belt behind the ref’s back. Heidenreich breaks up the snapshot, and Animal powerslams Mercury. The Doomsday Device finishes Mercury and gives Heidenreich and Animal the titles at 6:46. I’d say that this set the tag division back several months, but there really is no tag division. Bleh. *
Cole really must have taken his Simon System because he not only notes that Booker T and Christian traded the IC Title a few years ago, but that Booker T is 5-1 at the Great American Bash. Christian tries to stall, but Booker goes out and drags him back in. He gives him a suplex and starts slapping him silly. Christian eats turnbuckle off a slingshot. Booker gets two off a schoolboy, but Christian pulls the ref in between them so he can take a cheapshot. He gets a reverse Tornado DDT for two. An armbar DDT gets two more. Booker elbows out of a chinlock, but Christian yanks him down by the hair. Crowd chants “Let’s go Christian.” But is anyone listening? Booker misses a sidekick and crotches himself. Christian goes after Sharmell and gets slapped. He charges her but winds up in the Bookend. ONE, TWO, THRE–NO! Book gets two more off a suplex. The “Jack Brisco Rollup” gets countered. Christian gets two with a handful of ropes. Booker busts out the Spinaroonie to big boos. Christian avoids the Scissors Kick and goes for the Unprettier. Booker shoves him to away, but Christian counters the mounted punches to a Flair pin. It only gets two. Booker goes up top and hits a missile dropkick. ONE, TWO, THRE-foot on the ropes. To the outside, Booker sends Christian into the post. Back inside, Booker hits a Scissors Kick off the second rope for the win at 11:37. Solid match from two guys who probably aren’t going anywhere in the near future. **3/4
Benoit opens up with what we’ll call “cautious murder.” He peppers OJ’s chest with chops. Cole runs down the history of the US Title. Snap suplex. Dragon screw legwhip. Benoit misses a baseball slide and gets driven into the ringpost. OJ tries to untie the top turnbuckle, but Benoit jumps him from behind and suplexes him. A Northern Lights Suplex gets two for Benoit. OJ fires back with punches and works the arm with a keylock. Benoit powers out of a stepover armbar but runs into a dropkick. OJ stops to gloat, so Benoit takes him down. Jordan makes him pay for it by pummeling him and applying a standing keylock. He rolls through into an Oklahoma Cradle for two and goes back to the armbar. Benoit fights out of it, but Jordan still stays on top with a stomp to the neck. Jordan can’t finish him off, so he settles for a surfboard. Jordan slams him and goes up, but Benoit crotches him and delivers a SUPERPLEX! Benoit gets fired up with a pair of knockdowns. He goes for the Sharpshooter, but OJ shoves him away. Benoit gets the ROLLING GERMANS! The Diving Headbutt only gets two. Benoit slams Jordan’s head into the turnbuckle, but it bounces back and hits Benoit in the face. Jordan finishes untying the turnbuckle pad. Benoit recovers and goes for another German Suplex. OJ rams Benoit’s face into the exposed turnbuckle and falls on top for the win at 14:23. Jordan wasn’t quite ready to carry his weight in a match of this magnitude, but pairing him up with Benoit is a smart move. With Jordan a probable star of the future, and Benoit settling into his role as enhancement talent, it makes sense to get the next generation ready. Look what it did for Batista last year. **1/2
Hassan is carried to the ring by his “sympathizers,” who are apparently just really avid skiers. Hassan adopts a sound strategy, just keep avoiding him. Taker finally catches up and gives him the Old School Ropewalk Forearm. The Flatliner gets two. Referee Brian Hebner gets distracted with one of the “sympathizers,” allowing the others to attack the Taker on the outside. Hassan and Taker trade blows. Obviously, Taker wins that battle. He makes the mistake of going after the “sympathizers” and gets strangled again. Hassan applies the Camel Clutch, but Taker powers into an Electric Chair Drop. The “sympathizers” get involved, but Taker makes short work of them. The chokeslam finishes Hassan at 8:06. The “sympathizers” attack, but Taker destroys all five of them. He tosses Daivari headfirst into the announce table and then gives Hassan a Last Ride through the staging area “into the concrete.” That’ll learn him to complain when he’s discriminated against. Everyone makes a big deal about Hassan having his character ended by the 7/7 incident, but really it was over the moment they decided to pair him up with the Undertaker. 3/4*
The bWo rides big wheels down to the ring. Juvi starts with Nova and mocks him. Hey, it’s just like Rock vs. Hogan. They screw up a headscissors that takes off Nova’s headband. Hey, that’s Simon Dean! The bWo clears the ring. Juvi hits Nova from the back with a springboard spinning wheel kick. Nova starts Nova-ing up. Juvi no-sells and gives him a jumping backkick. Super Crazy tags in and hits a WICKED dropkick to Nova’s face. Tazz cracks Cole and me up with a joke about George Washington wearing a blue wig but no one knew because things were in black and white back then. Stevie gets the hot tag. He clears house, but he misses a charge and crotches himself. Super Crazy springboards into a quebrada on him. Psychosis finishes with the guillotine legdrop at 4:53. It was okay while it lasted. *1/2
They should have Eddy lose and reveal the secret anyway, just to be a bastard. The crowd starts dueling “Eddy sucks” and “Let’s go, Eddy” chants. Eddy starts with a hug to show Dominic what a great guy he is. Rey clotheslines Eddy and goes for a springboard crossbody, but Eddy ducks. Rey gets two off a reverse rollup and two more off a backslide. The bulldog gets another nearfall as Rey tries to finish it early. He gets the mounted punches in the corner, but Eddy counters to an atomic drop. Eddy goes up, but Rey crotches him and counters to a huracanrana off the top. Now Rey goes up and Eddy crotches him. Eddy tries Splash Mountain. Hasn’t he ever seen a Rey Mysterio match?! Rey counters to a rana that sets up the 619. The springboard vertical splash gets the closest nearfall of the match. Eddy bails and uses Dominic as a shield. Tazz calls him a “friggin’ asshole.” Eddy cheapshots Rey and tosses him back in. He delivers a backbreaker and tosses Rey to the outside. Back in, Rey tries a wheelbarrow rollup, but Eddy counters to a German Suplex. Rey gets a quick two, but Eddy stays on top with the Gory Stretch. Rey rolls through, but Eddy rolls through that and catapults him over the top. Eddy goes over for a heart-to-heart with Dominic, allowing Rey to jump him from behind. Back in, Eddy catches Rey on a quebrada, but Rey counters to a Tornado DDT. A springboard dropkick sets up another 619. Eddy avoids the Drop of the Dime, though. TRIPLE VERTICALS! Rey instinctively rolls to avoid the Frogsplash, so Eddy gives him two more vertical suplexes and a brainbuster. FROGSPLASH! Eddy gets an evil smirk on his face and lays down for a cocky cover. Rey counters to a surprise crucifix for the win at 15:39. Rey and Dominic rejoice as Eddy picks a fight with a fan. The match was very good, but the storyline often overwhelmed the action because Tazz and Cole hit us over the head with a sledgehammer throughout. I’m not sure exactly why they would hype a big “secret” and not deliver unless they’re building to yet another rematch. But then, Eddy promised to keep it a secret forever if he lost here, so if you do yet another rematch, it renders the stipulations of this match pointless. Oh well, this match is the best of the PPV so far. ***1/2
Candace Michelle is the guest referee, because only she can maintain order in this fracas. Torrie pulls Melina’s top off from an abdominal stretch. She nearly gets her pantaloons off too, but Melina kicks her to the outside. Back inside, Melina strips her of her top. Candace threatens to disqualify Melina a half dozen times, but I don’t even think that you can do that in a B&P. I guess it’s up to the New York State Athletic Commission. Torrie makes the big comeback and gets one of Melina’s legs up. Melina hotshots her and strips Torrie of her pants for the win at 3:52. Melina attacks Candace from behind, so Candace fights back and pulls her pants off. Candace strips for fun. 1/4*
Batista gets a decent pop. Power tie-up. Batista elbows him in the mush and shoulderblocks him down. JBL hammers away, but Batista explodes out of the corner with a clothesline. A sideslam gets two. Batista fires away in the corner. Bradshaw blocks a charge with a big boot and rolls over him with a shoulderblock, but Batista backdrops him. Batista blocks a suplex in, but JBL snaps his neck off the rope. JBL tries to come off the apron with a double ax-handle, but Batista catches him and rams his back into the ring apron. Back in, JBL rams Batista’s shoulder to the ringpost and boots him to the outside. They brawl to the announce table. JBL jumps off it with a forearm to the side of the head. Back in, he slingshots Batista’s throat into the ropes. He gets two off an elbowdrop and cuts off a comeback with a sleeper hold. Batista counters to a backdrop suplex. To the outside, JBL measures him with rights. Batista blocks his charge with a boot and clotheslines him into the crowd. Back inside, Batista looks to be blown up. He misses a charge, but JBL accidentally takes out Referee Nick Patrick with a shoulderblock. Orlando Jordan runs down and breaks up the Demonbomb with a chairshot. He tosses the ref back in. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! Patrick is still groggy, though. Actually, he can be seen trying to put his earpiece back in. JBL readies for another Clothesline, but he runs right into a spinebuster. OJ comes in and gets backdropped over the top. He comes back with a chair, but Batista brings him in and grabs the chair. WHACK! There goes OJ. WHACK! There goes JBL. Oh, but Patrick sees him use the chair and disqualifies him at 19:46 to end this abortion of a PPV. Batista takes his aggressions out on JBL and OJ. It wasn’t such a bad brawl before that. **
Final Thoughts: If you started out trying to make every bad decision you possibly could, this would be the result. Jobbing your tag champions, who actually had a bit of a following. Check. Building to a big revelation and not delivering. Check. A non-finish in your main event. Check. Almost literally killing a character off and treating it as an afterthought. Check. The sad thing is that the wrestling can’t really be faulted. It was solid, if unspectacular. The booking, however, has turned into one big Ponzie scheme, with a promise of the “real” blowoff next time.
Easy thumbs down.
J.D. Dunn
