The Cyber Sunday 2006 Breakdown

Cyber Sunday 2006
by J.D. Dunn

November 5, 2006

Live from Cincinnati, Ohio.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Todd Grisham and Maria (wearing a tasteful leopard print thing with a black bra underneath) have floor hosting duties.

Opening Match: Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. Mystery Opponent.
Out of Chris Benoit, Kane and the Sandman, we get Kane. That should prove that democracy is a horrible mistake. Since he’s the only one with a bone to pick with Umaga, I suppose it was to be expected. Kane fires away but gets caught with a belly-to-belly suplex. That’s your formula for the match. Kane hits a few strikes, runs into big move, Umaga takes over on offense. Umaga misses a Samoan Spike on the outside and hits his hand on the post. Kane comes back with a few clotheslines but runs into a Samoan Drop (as per the formula). Kane avoids a charge and goes up, but Umaga catches him with the Samoan Spike on the way down. A second one finishes at 9:39. Congratulations. You just voted for filler. 3/4*

In the back, Queen Sharmell offers the Big Show a proposition on King Booker’s behalf: if either of their titles are on the line, they agree to team up and help each other. Show is cool to the idea.

Texas Tornado Tag Match: Cryme Tyme vs. Charlie Haas & Viscera vs. The West Texas Rednexx vs. The Highlanders.
This one wasn’t exactly in doubt. Big brawl to start, as you could have guessed. JR marvels at the size of Shad and Viscera as they slug it out. The Highlanders clear the ring and hit stereo pescados. Viscera accidentally avalanches his own partner. Oops. JTG manages to steal the pin, though, to pick up another Cryme Tyme win at 4:28. After the match, Cryme Tyme steals Lawler’s laptop. *1/2

In the back, Shawn Michaels starts superkicking random stagehands to prove he’s controversial. Funnier than it sounds.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Hardy vs. Carlito.
Both guys are fan favorites, so they start out clean. Carlito botches a leapfrog badly and then goes semi-heel by dropkicking Jeff’s knee out from under him. Jeff catches him with a dropkick on another mistimed dropkick, but Carly counters Jeff’s railrun. Back in, Carlito gets his feet up to block Jeff’s slingshot corner stomp and takes over on the ribs. A reverse bearhug kills some time as Carlito gets more heelish. The fans chant “boring” in protest of the bearhug. See, you have to really set up and sell that move to get a positive reaction. Otherwise, the fans are trained to expect a rest hold. Jeff fights out of a chinlock and hits a sloppy DDT. Carlito gets his feet up to block a Swanton Bomb, nearly picking up the win there. The fans start to get into it as Carly hits his springboard corkscrew senton into a quebrada combo. Jeff ducks a crossbody and hits the Whisper in the Wind for two. Jeff gets caught going up but blocks a huracanrana and hits the Swanton for the win at 13:23. Sloppy and boring in the early going, but it picked up nicely down the stretch. **1/2

D-Generation X vs. Edge & Randy Orton (w/Lita).
Wow. Kinda far down the card. Eric Bischoff gets the nod. Ummm…BULLSHIT! Hopefully, that’s all part of the angle. Shawn pulls down Edge’s tights early, as I contemplate making a Christian joke about homoeroticism, but A) it would be unfair to make such broad generalizations, and B) if you’re reading this a year from now you have no idea who Mark Foley and Ted Haggard are. Surely, you can see my dilemma. Hunter plays face-in-peril for a bit. HOT TAG TO SHAWN! Flying forearm to Edge. Picture-Perfect Elbow. Tune up the band. Orton breaks up the Superkick and crotches Shawn on the post. Bischoff didn’t see it, though, much like he didn’t see any profits for the last three years of WCW. Edge gives Bisch the stinkeye for a slow count. In fairness, it made Bronco Lubbich look like Teddy Long. Yeah, I don’t expect you to get that one. Now, Shawn is playing face-in-peril as Edge acts like a bastard. He returns the earlier nudity by exposing Shawn’s buttocks on a sunset flip. It’s like the final act of “Borat!” Edge accidentally spears Bischoff. HOT TAG TO HUNTER! Although why they bothered with a tag when the ref was bumped is beyond me. Hunter cleans house now. Facebuster. Clothesline. Spinebuster. King of Kings pose. Edge breaks up the Pedigree with a spear. Shawn takes Edge out with a pescado. RKO to Hunter! Chad Patten rushes down. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Randy tries another one, but Hunter shoves him into Sweet Chin Music! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Bischoff pulls the other ref to the floor. Edge takes out Shawn with a steel chair right in front of Bischoff. Back in, Hunter fends off Edge but gets whacked with the chair by Orton. The RKO on the chair finishes Hunter at 18:12. It would be nice if a heel didn’t need the 82nd Airborne to get a win once in a while, but this was the only way it could have gone down without totally burying Edge & Orton. If they plan on using Bischoff in the future, they could do a lot worse than as a manager for Rated RKO. ***

In the back, Lita congratulates her men and tells them to get ready for some celebrating. Todd Grisham asks them what they think about a tainted win, so Edge declares a new era on Raw. Sure.

Women’s Title Tournament Finals, Divajacks: Lita vs. Mickie James.
Lawler gets in an inside comment, saying Mickie is familiar with the internet. Trinity reminds me of the girl on that Seinfeld episode where if you look at her in a certain light, she’s hideous, but in another kind of light, she’s really attractive. This is not what you’d call “moveset intensive.” Nor is it particularly interesting. Lita busts out her UFC knowledge with a sleeper/bodyscissors. Mickie takes her over the top with a huracanrana, allowing the Divas to get some work in by tossing them back in. They botch a Torndao DDT so badly that Jim Ross ponders ,”What in the hell was that?!” Victoria trips Mickie up, allowing Lita to hit the Snatch DDT for the win at 8:09. This alternated between horribly inept and somewhat competent. Mostly the former, though. 3/4*

In the locker room, Kenny tries to keep the rest of the SS in line. Johnny works in his legendary glower power. I was hoping Kenny would scream, “DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, MR. LAWRENCE?!”

WWE Tag Team Titles: Kenny & Mikey (w/the Spirit Squad) vs. Ric Flair & Mystery Partner.
I thought for sure Dusty Rhodes was a shoe-in, but it winds up being Roddy Piper. Rhodes and Slaughter aren’t sore losers, though, so they come down to make sure the Spirit Squad doesn’t interfere. Kenny looks great, as usual. Mikey shows good personality but gets dominated by Piper. By the way, Piper…does not look good. The flab wouldn’t even be so bad, but he could have gotten some sun. Piper plays face-in-peril. The SS’s Statue of Liberty move backfires, allowing Flair to get the hot tag. The Mid-Atlantic Express cleans house, and Flair locks in the figure-four on Mikey. Kenny breaks it up with the Sky High Legdrop. Flair goes right back to it, and Piper takes out Kenny before he can make the save. MIKEY TAPS! Yep, Flair and Piper win the WWE World Tag Titles at 6:57! The faces clean house on the heels and celebrate. Big pop for the win. Great. Now job ’em out to Murdoch and Cade so they can transition them to Cryme Tyme. *1/2

King Booker and Queen Sharmell explain to John Cena that the Big Show could win either of their titles and take them to ECW. He offers Cena the same deal. Cena says he’ll do it in exchange for one night with Queen Sharmell. Of course, that causes Book and Sharmell to break character, which is always fun. Booker tells Sharmell to go outside and then offers to whore her out for an alliance. Funny stuff.

World Heavyweight Championship, No DQ Triple Threat: King Booker (w/Queen Sharmell) vs. John Cena vs. The Big Show.
Booker’s World Title gets 67-percent, nearly bringing the King to tears. Booker barks at Cena to team up with him against Big Show, so Cena turns on him and violates their agreement. The Book bails and waits until he can find an opening. Show dominates and nearly gets the win, but Cena makes the last-second save. Show drags Cena to the floor but winds up eating the stairs. Back in, Booker gets two off the Book End and two more off a Crescent Kick. Cena powers out of a chinlock into the spinning backdrop for two. A splash misses, and Book summons the power of the royal fathers to hit a DDT for two. Show comes back in and offers Booker a chance to doubleteam Cena with a Doomsday Device, but Booker dropkicks Show instead, knocking both Cena and Show down. Smart move! Show starts busting out his usual triple-threat spots, like suplexing two guys at once. He takes Cena to the floor, but Cena sends him into the post instead. Back in, YOU CAN’T SEE ME! FIVE-KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Sharmell tries to interfere but winds up getting FU’ed. Cena locks in the STFU, but the ref is busy checking on Sharmell nearly two whole feet away. Kevin Federline returns out of nowhere and distracts Cena long enough for Booker to hit him with the belt and retain at 21:10. The match was going along fine until the stupid finish. I mean, why can’t they just take the hint when something bombs (“The Marine,” K-Fed’s album, this PPV concept)? It’s not like the 175,000 people who bought this show are going to say, “Hey, that guy has an album out?! Put my guacamole in the fridge, honey. I’m gonna sprint to Tower Records.” Well, I guess they could be taking my suggestion and hiring him on as a permanent heel, but I would think Britney wouldn’t want him out on the road where he might develop a sense of worth and responsibility. **1/2

Final Thoughts: I think it’s safe to say that it’s not the Tuesday scheduling that was the problem. The WWE offers two products: good matches and/or good storylines. Since there was absolutely no chance of the former, that leaves the latter. Only they can’t do that because no one knows what the storyline is until 10 seconds before they come out. Let me offer the WWE a little sage advice, since they obviously can’t use some of that stock dividend money to buy a fucking clue and stop this concept: next year, end the voting one week before the PPV. That way, you can announce all the matches and stipulations on the Raw before the event and you can actually have at least one show to make the matches interesting. The wrestlers themselves actually produced three good matches, but the show had no flow, no energy, and nothing of real interest outside of a few tit shots. Unfortunately, those were from your new tag team champions.

Easy thumbs down.