The Happy-Go-Sucky Wrestling Report: 06.10.09

Today marks the day, 1 year ago that I escaped my plot to escape the evil, dark side corporation that is Clear Channel! And for that reason, we celebrate. Begin celebration…now.

….yippie….

Wasn’t that fun? Anyway, as you can tell, nothing interesting ever happens to me. (Nothing I want to tell you guys about anyway.) So now that we’re through this painful introduction, Cue Banner!

News: Batista is expected to miss 4 months with a torn biceps.

Happy: I’m struggling to come up with a couple of positive points here because, as I always say, it’s never a good thing when someone gets hurt.

However, there is a bit of positive news that can come out of this turn of events. Mainly because it focuses on two things. One, the soon to be vacant WWE Title and Two, the new Raw GM.

With a 3 hour Raw special coming up next week and of course, the struggling ratings that have haunted the WWE over the past month or two, they’re going to need all they can to bring in a strong rating. So those two mysteries should help and we’ll talk about who the new GM could be later on (though it seems fairly obvious).

With the return of Triple H, it seems highly doubtful the WWE will do something crazy, like have some kind of tournament or battle royal to determine a new champion, even though that’s something I’d love to see happen just because it could get someone new involved. Someone like MVP, William Regal, or even the likes of Christian or Jack Swagger, who could come over to Raw now that their ECW feud is finished(?). A fresh feud to push new, young talents to the top. I don’t necessarily feel like guys like MVP or Regal should get the next WWE title reign. But I’d love to see them go far in a tournament final, or get a nice push from a strong showing in a battle royal. Shouldn’t hurt the already wounded Raw main event scene.

Go Sucky: But the truth of the matter is this. Triple H made his return, whom I’m sure had just been waiting in the wings waiting for his chance to jump back in and when he saw that he could be champ…again, he jumped in. Thus, we’re likely to see Orton vs. Triple H MCCXVIV. (That 1, 219 for all you non Romans.)

We are likely to see the same exact buildup, almost an exact reflection of the buildup we saw for Triple H vs. Orton at Wrestlemania that will likely result in Triple H vs. Orton at “The Bash” and Summerslam. It obviously didn’t work for Wrestlemania (which saw its lowest buyrate in the last 2 years with the Orton vs. Triple H headline). So what makes them think they can piece it together for a pay-per-view that now has 2 more shows leading up to it in The (Great American) Bash?

As much crap that Batista gets for being a crappy wrestler, having him around and healthy in this storyline would have been a lot more pleasant than what we’re left with. The Evolution vs. Legacy program is probably on the shelf…maybe for good, which takes us back to the initial two points I made early in this column. Who’s the champ…and who’s the GM, which takes us into our next little newsbit.

News: Vickie Guerrero has given her notice to the WWE, as she wants to spend more time with her children.

Happy: Good for Vickie Guerrero! As much as I’m going to miss the amount of heat she could get from a crowd (I don’t think there’s anyone on the roster that got booed as bad as her.), going home to spend time with her family who lost their dad and has had mom traveling all over the place for the last couple years is going to be a positive experience for all of them.

However, as we were talking about above, there are two major things that are missing on Raw right now with both Vickie and Batista gone.

New GM’s are always a fun draw for ratings. I think the choice right now is pretty clear as to WHOOOOOOOOO the replacement will be, but let’s pretend wrestling is real for a minute and let me ask you this question.

How will the WWE explain why Triple H was gone for a few weeks after getting punted by Orton while Flair, who was punted last week and is in his 60’s, only needs a couple weeks to return? Hmmm…

So with that thought in mind, let’s just say Flair isn’t the obvious choice. It wouldn’t be the first time Vince McMahon tried to fool us smarty pants internet guys. Who’s left to take over as GM of Raw?

I can tell you right now, it will NOT be Mike Adamle. Out of all the times we’ve seen Raw sign a new General Manager, I don’t think there’s ever been a time when I felt so saddened and disappointed as I was when Adamle said he was going to be the GM.

There of course are names like Shane and Stephanie floating around. That just seems too obvious and again, is so 4 months ago. I’ve seen JBL’s name floating out there as well but I can tell you I don’t believe it’s been long enough for him to want to come back, not to mention he’s busy selling his new energy drink and helping Danny Davis form the Vyper Fight League in Louisville, KY.

Teddy Long would be a decent replacement, but I think there’s that whole “disappointment factor” that the WWE needs to avoid, even though it would be pretty cool to have the first person to be GM of all 3 brands.

But to be perfectly honest, minus some crazy re-signing of a past superstar, if it’s not going to be Ric Flair, then I’d love to see it be William Regal again. If the WWE is planning on continuing it’s “evil leader” role, then Regal is the only choice on the WWE roster that I would want to see do it. Back before his 2nd strike on the Wellness program, Regal’s reign as King of The Ring/Raw GM was the most interesting and entertaining GM run I’d seen in a long time. It’d be a good push for a guy who the WWE fans haven’t always had to put up with in the main event slot.

By the way, anyone wonder if Shawn Michaels would be willing to be a GM for a couple months?

Go Sucky: However, I don’t think we’re going to be seeing anything that’s going to blow the roof off the WWE Universe. Ric Flair is the obvious choice as to who’s going to be the next Raw GM, which answers both questions we asked. Who’s going to be the WWE Champ, and who’s going to be the Raw GM.

I think we’re reaching a point where the WWE is ready to start letting the babyfaces have their way. Flair as GM would enable Triple H to have his way against Orton and pretty much give Orton hell for the next few months or until his next shoulder injury. Whichever comes first.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Flair and have been hoping that the WWE would make him the Raw GM. But with Batista out, and Triple H back in the title hunt, it just seems way too predictable and anticlimactic.

Now, let’s say Flair swerves us all and becomes a heel GM and turns on Triple H. That changes EVERYTHING. Flair can not only get past the “Aw look, it’s the old, retired guy who we keep rooting for because he’s retired”, but I think it would also enable him to wrestle again if he decides to do it. I think right now, Flair is so babyface that it would just be hurtful to see him wrestling again. But as a heel, that’s just another reason to hate him and boo him and get him over as the industry’s biggest heel like he was for 30 something years of his career.

I’m not exactly hoping for that, but it’s a possibility nonetheless.

News: According to Dave Meltzer, the creative team has been given a list of names not to write into next week’s three hour Raw. It is possible WWE has or will be handing out suspensions.

Uh oh. This won’t be a happy summer for a lot of guys in the WWE I’m sure. The fact of the matter is that if there’s a list…that means if this is indeed related to Wellness, then the WWE is about to catch a LOT of hell from the media. A list means more than 1, more than 3, and probably more than 5.

If you’re fans of guys like Chavo Guerrero, Jeff Hardy and William Regal, then you’ve got to be a little nervous as they’re both sitting on two strikes. And if you’re fans of Randy Orton, Edge, John Morrison, Santino Marella, Festus, Dolph Ziggler, DH Smith, and the recently re-signed Chris Masters, then you have to wonder if they’ll be next to join the “Strike 2 Club”.

It’s been a long time since the WWE had a mass suspension. The last time it happened (shortly following the Benoit tragedy and the Signature Pharmacy scandal), it shook the WWE landscape and changed things up considerably. But I always get a bad feeling that someone important will get the next strike and really put a bad scar across the face of the WWE. If one of the champs, I’m looking at you Randy “I should have 4 strikes but they only counted 1” Orton, and you Dave “I break more than a school bus at a railroad crossing” Batista.

You would think that these wrestlers would see how much scrutiny guys like Jeff Hardy and William Regal got when they got their 2nd strike and how much crap the whole industry got 2 years ago during the Signature Pharmacy scandal.

News: The WWE released Umaga.

Happy: I follow the last story up with this one because Umaga was apparently let go due to failing a Wellness test. That’s the word going around the always reliable and truth telling Internet, even though Umaga tells everyone “AHHH BABABA HAAAA” which roughly translates into, “I quit on my own terms”.

If this is the case, then I’m glad to see him go. Umaga, like Mr. Kennedy and Batista have become liabilities to the WWE in recent years. Umaga was out for an extended amount of time before returning earlier this year. He was forced to miss some more time after injuring his leg in a match against Triple H. And now he’s possibly failing drug tests. It’s only right that if the WWE fired Kennedy for the same thing, that Umaga should be let go too. Next up…if the WWE had any sense…should be Batista.

Go Sucky: Umaga had a lot of potential and was always one of my favorite big men in the WWE. He moved well for a big guy and never once (that we know of anyway) botched that Samoan Spike or that big rush to the turnbuckle, which were both pretty dangerous moves.

Umaga’s release leaves a rather large hole in the Smackdown midcard and I can think of at least a dozen others who should probably have been released rather than Umaga. How about worthless guys like Jimmy Wang Yang, Sim Snuka, Curt Hawkins, and Ricky Ortiz just to name a few. Neither of them make regular appearances on TV and are all but wasting roster space. And it’s not very likely we’ll see either of them replace Umaga anytime soon either.

If I’m a WWE midcarder, I’d be worried.

Oh, and now I have to listen to Umaga vs. Samoa Joe in TNA rumors all day too. Just great! Thanks WWE!

News: C.M. Punk is the new World Heavyweight Champion.

Happy: On a more positive note, (and keeping the trend of tying each story with the story above it for some reason) Umaga’s final WWE opponent. C.M. Punk won the title and I love the way they did it! They gave the fans their moment by watching Jeff Hardy win a world title for the 2nd time, only to build up a new heel in C.M. Punk as the new World Heavyweight Champion! I love it!

And yes kids, Punk is on his way to becoming the next big heel in the WWE. It’s something the WWE has needed to do for a long time and it’s finally getting done. This time, I can’t help but to feel that Punk’s title reign will be a LOT more successful this time around than it was last year.

I also love the fact that the WWE continued to keep Edge involved in whatever happens with the Money In The Bank briefcase. Let’s look back on the history of the cashed in briefcases:

Money In The Bank 1- Edge wins- Cashes In On John Cena
Money In The Bank 2- RVD wins- Cashes In On John Cena after Edge interferes
Money In The Bank 3- Mr. Kennedy wins- But Edge Takes His Briefcase and cashes in on The Undertaker
Money In The Bank 4- CM Punk wins- Cashes In On Edge
Money In The Bank 5- CM Punk wins- Cashes In On Jeff Hardy after defeating Edge

You have to love how “opportunity” always surrounds the Ultimate Opportunist.

Anyway, Punk as the new champ gives Smackdown more options and continues to prove the fact that the blue brand is far more superior and better written than the red brand.

Go Sucky: Turning C.M. Punk heel might not be the greatest idea for a WWE that wants to focus on the kids and being “drug free”. The kids will now be booing the WWE’s walking “Say No To Drugs” poster rather than cheering for him.

I’m also concerned about what will become of Edge after this? Is he going over to Raw now? Will Punk and Hardy have a program and leave Edge behind? Or is C.M. Punk going to be such a big heel that he hates on both Hardy AND Edge? Smackdown should be pretty interesting this Friday…

News: Tommy Dreamer is the new ECW Champion.

Happy: This was definitely the surprising highlight of the night. I had fully expected to see Dreamer lose in a Mick Foley sort of way. Remember when he was in that Fatal 4 Way Match where he retired for the first of about 44 times? That’s what I expected to Tommy Dreamer.

Instead, not only does Tommy Dreamer when the ECW Championship, he signes a new 3-5 year contract with the WWE!

For the first time in ECW’s short re-birth, I feel like Vince McMahon has finally shown a little respect for ECW, its wrestlers, and its fans. You don’t need me to tell you that Tommy Dreamer has and is and will be the heartbeat that carries on the tradition of ECW. Already, this is Tommy Dreamer’s longest World Title reign in his career, as his one (and only) ECW Championship, he held on to for only a couple of hours before losing it. This is truly a nice tribute to a guy who has given his all for the better part of the last 16 years.

Go Sucky: Where does ECW go from here? It would be really different if there were some ECW originals left over. But as for Jack Swagger and Christian, who goes where? Does the WWE continue to make this a 3 way angle?

I’m also not really sure what Tommy and the WWE are thinking with such a long term contract. 3-5 years is a long time for a guy who’s 38 years old. That means for the next 3-5 years, Tommy Dreamer will likely return to jobbing out, which will really cast a nasty shadow on this historic title reign. Unless of course he signed a long term deal in thinking that he will stick around and train the guys like he did before ECW came back.

That’s really my only concern. Tommy Dreamer being a World Champion on a WWE product just blows my mind, and I’m so glad it happened.

Rapid Fire!

News: Samoa Joe has been pulled off of TNA’s cards following Slammiversary after suffering from multiple injuries at a live event in Idaho.

Joe’s so crazy, he kills himself!

News: Last night’s edition of WWE Monday Night Raw scored a 3.6 cable rating.

Golddust + Hornswoggle + Festus-Vickie/Batista=Win! Math is fun.

News: Amazing Red has signed a TNA contract.

Hear that Bobby Lashley?

News: Randy Savage has finally been added to the WWE alumni page.

I guess he finally admitted to making Stephanie go OOOOOOH YEAH! Sorry…that’s the best I could do today.

Where the heck was TNA this week?

Anyway, that’s going to wrap it up for this week. Until next week my friends…may your lives be Happy…or Go Sucky!