The Name on the Marquee: The 1986 Slammy Awards

-We’re in Baltimore, MD.

-Originally aired live on MTV, March 1, 1986.

-Your host is Vince McMahon. Vince says that it’s only fitting that the Slammys take place, not in Los Angeles, Las Vegas, or New York, but in Baltimore. He doesn’t follow up on that thought at all, so we never find out why it’s only fitting for the Slammys to take place in Baltimore.

-DID YOU KNOW? Vince mentions that the Slammys are the first awards show ever to take place as a direct result of a single album’s release. That’s more albums than inspired the Tech Awards, Turnaround Atlas Awards, CLIO Awards, Newberry Awards and American Business Awards combined!

-Gorilla Monsoon, with his fly unzipped and his shirt hanging out of it, makes his way onstage to present the first award.

BEST PERSONALITY
-We get treated to the music video for “Land of 1,000 Dances,” because everybody who appears in the music video is nominated for the award. I have a feeling this is Steve Gatorwolf’s night! I have to say, I haven’t exactly studied this music video to the degree of the Zapruder film, but I’ve watched the video enough times that, upon this viewing, I’m surprised to realize there’s a Rosatti sister present in one of the crowd shots. Never noticed that before.

-Your winner is Rowdy Roddy Piper, who gets an unbelievable pop months before he actually turns face. Piper emerges with a broomstick, which he introduces as “Tina Turner.” Piper’s Slammy Award actually falls apart in his hands, and it appears to be a legitimate mistake judging from Roddy’s reaction. Roddy concludes his acceptance speech by announcing that “I do play Sun City!”

-Martha Quinn, looking hot but sounding totally clueless, talks to Bobby Heenan. Heenan stews about King Kong Bundy being screwed out of the Slammy. Bundy mentions that he wants a piece of Hulk Hogan!

-Mean Gene Okerlund lip-synchs his own performance of “Tutti Frutti.”

BEST PRODUCER
-Your nominees are Mona Flambe, Rick Derringer, and Joel Dorn. Rick is nominated for producing Roddy Piper’s song on the album and the mere mention of Piper’s name gets another monster pop. The winner is Mona Flambe, getting a totally lukewarm reaction. For anyone not familiar with Mona Flambe, which would be all of us, it’s Cyndi Lauper doing a silly and pointless alter-ego. She thanks the crowd in a shy southern belle voice and then heads off stage immediately.

-Meanwhile, Martha Quinn gets felt up by George “The Animal” Steele, who mistakes her for Elizabeth.

-Jimmy Hart comes out and complains that the awards show is taking place in Baltimore instead of Memphis, because who the hell ever won anything in Baltimore? He also complains about being stuck with the worst band in the history for his performance of the song that’s going to win a Slammy tonight. Jimmy sings his adorable song, “Eat Your Heart Out Rick Springfield.” Unlike Mean Gene, Jimmy braves this one out with a live performance. The gag is that Jimmy keeps bitching out the band and his back-up singer for being off-key, but the thing is, his back-up singer actually IS off-key, so Jimmy is right to complain. The band refuses to continue playing (but the music continues, revealing that Jimmy was, in fact, the only honest musician up there) and Jimmy storms off-stage.

BEST ANNOUNCER
-Your nominees are Mean Gene Okerlund, Jesse Ventura, and Vince McMahon. Gene and Jesse get pretty good pops, but Vince gets about 50% boos. Jesse taunts Vince by using his feathered boa to slap Vince across the face, which prompts a “Jesse” chant from the crowd!

-Gorilla teases giving the award to Jesse, but the big winner turns out to be Gene Okerlund.

-Jesse storms off-stage and tells Martha Quinn that MTV is part of an east coast conspiracy against him.

-Coming April 7, 1986: The greatest sports entertainment spectacular of all time will be even greater…Wrestlemania 2: What the World is Coming To.

-Hillbilly Jim sings “Don’t Go Messing with a Country Boy.” They don’t even try to hide the fakery this time. The “fiddler” is playing an electric guitar with a bow. Nigel Tufnel would be proud.

MOST IGNOMINIOUS
-Nikolai Volkoff in his red suit is the sole nominee and accepts the award, while the Iron Sheik does a pratfall. The gag here is that Nikolai is a moron because he doesn’t know what “ignominious” means.

-Junkyard Dog grabs cakes. Them cakes, to be specific.

BEST PERFORMER ON THE WRESTLING ALBUM
-And the big winner of the night is the Junkyard Dog. JYD thanks the man upstairs, while his partner in song, Vicki Sue Robinson, thanks her mother for having her. Her line was better.

-Jimmy Hart gripes to Martha Quinn because his song should have been called “Grab Them Ears!” Junkyard Dog shows up, drags Jimmy Hart back to the stage, and tears his pants off.

-And they all lived happily ever after.

The 411: Kind of wish MTV's broadcast contained all the wacky stuff with Gene Okerlund and Jesse Ventura that made it to Coliseum Video, but beggars and choosers and all that. Still, a fairly amusing hour of the guys just fucking around and having fun. We laugh about this era now, but the more you watch, the more you notice that...Those guys were having a BALL during this period.
Final Score:  8.0   [ Very Good ]