The Smackdown Breakdown 05.12.05

WWE Smackdown — 5/12/05

From Reading, Penn.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

Recap of the Eddy/Rey implosion. Where’d they get the Bernard Hermann music?

Eddy Guerrero has an EVIL remix of his music. He takes a seat in the middle of the darkened arena with a single spotlight on him to explain his actions. He says he was just giving Rey what he wanted — a fight. He pulls out Rey’s mask and starts screaming at it. He says he finally realized what Rey was doing — we were living through him and sucking the life right out of him. But not anymore! No one will ever take his Latino Heat again. He threatens Rey’s kids and warns that if Rey comes back at Judgment Day, Eddy will kill him! Marvelously unhinged promo from Guerrero. Much better than his heel turn on Tajiri. Oh, and don’t look now, but despite the fact that Eddy couldn’t carry the ball last year, he’s doing it again only without the belt.

Heidenreich vs. Spike Dudley.

Heidenreich pulls some snotnosed kid out of the audience to be in his corner. Heidenreich misses a charge early, allowing Spike to get some offense in. Spike goes after the kid, who could probably kick his ass too. Heidenreich makes the save and finishes Spike with the Flying Bossman Slam. 1/2*

Elsewhere, Sharmell asks Booker T. if he’s ready his match with Angle tonight. They do some righteous making out. Get a room!

Chavo Guerrero bonds with his new bestest buddies MNM.

Kurt Angle tells Josh that he’s addicted to pussy. Oh, and he wants to make hot donkey sex in tha butt with Sharmell. I’m sure I’m supposed to be amused or something, but this was just creepy. Some people just shouldn’t talk about sex, and Angle is one of them.

Six-Man Tag: Chavo Guerrero & MNM (w/Maleena) vs. Paul London, Hardcore Holly & Charlie Haas.

The faces dominate all over the place early on. Maleena grabs Haas’ ankle to distract him while Mercury jumps him from behind. Haas gets triple teamed for a bit before making the hot tag to Hardcore Holly. Holly cleans house but takes a superkick from Nitro. Fortunately, he falls back into his corner and tags London. London takes out two guys with a flying crossbody and gets the dropsault on Chavo. London counters the Gorybomb to a sunset flip, but Chavo rolls through and puts his feet on the ropes for the win. *1/4

John Bradshaw Layfield comes out to hype his book, “which unbiased reviews say is the best-written book since the Bible.” That’s just awesome. He’s upset because Cena is a bad role model. He says he has bled buckets and he smells like smoke because been through the fire. Yet the words “I Quit” never crossed his mind. To say, “I Quit” means another man owns your soul. He compares fans to the Israelites at Mr. Sinai erecting a false idol. John Cena comes out and tackles JBL before the Cabinet comes down and holds him for JBL to get a few shots in. The locker room empties to separate them UWF-style. This was, hands down, the BEST PROMO OF THE YEAR by JBL!

Eddy Guerrero vs. Jimmy Jacobs.

Eddy puts Rey’s mask on the ringpost. He asks for the ref to inspect Jacobs and then clocks him. Ah, the classics never do go out of style, do they? Eddy looks super-motivated tonight, putting some real zing into his moves. He grabs the mask and puts it over the hapless Jacobs’ head. Eddy abuses him on the outside and brings a chair into the ring. Referee Charles Robinson tells him not to use it, but Eddy brainbusters the kid right on the chair. Oooohhh. Sickening. That’s enough for the DQ. Unmitigated slaughter for Guerrero there. Sounded like they might have had to dub in negative reaction for Eddy. 1/2*

The Cena “Bad, Bad Man” video once more. Okay, so these guys were outsmarted, by Gary Coleman no less, and blown up in the warehouse…yet they won? I guess I didn’t watch enough A-Team as a kid. Damn, you Donald P. Bellasario and Steven J. Cannell! Damn you straight to hell.

Matt Morgan vs. Funaki.

Matt Morgan’s music is a recycled WrestleMania theme. I’m all for saving the environment, but that should show you how highly the WWE regards him. Then again, it worked for Linda. Morgan makes fun of the way Funaki t-t-t-t-talks. And then, GET THIS, Michael Cole actually takes the time out to explain the joke to us in case we didn’t get it. Why? Why do they always have to do that? Was it just so complex that it needed explanation? “What’s this?” “That? That’s a novelty ice cube with a fly in it. I placed in your drink as a gag. You see, most people are disgusted by insects in their food. Therefore, I gambled that you might also be perturbed should you find an insect in your drink. However, I should point out to you that it is just made of plastic and is not, in fact, a real fly. If it were an actual fly in an actual ice cube, that would cross the line of what is deemed “acceptable humor” in a modernized society. Thank you for being such a wonderful sport and partaking in my little ruse.” Anyway, Morgan steamrolls Funaki and finishes with T–t-t-t-t-t-that’s All Folks. 1/4*

Carlito’s Cabana:

Carlito’s special guest is the Big Show, who seems really over with the crowd. Carlito offers Big Show Jesus’ old bodyguard spot. He doesn’t exactly endear himself, showing highlights of Show’s performance at WMXXI. Carlito says that with Show by his side, they’d be unstoppable. Big Show refuses, so Carlito is about to give him a little of Adam’s Revenge. Show grabs him and starts eating the apple himself. Unfortunately, his wicked queen stepmother poisoned the apple, knocking him out for the next 100 years or until a prince kisses him.

Back from commercial. Cole says, “We have to assume this was some sort of tainted apple.” That’s it, I’m turning the sound off.

Kurt Angle vs. Booker T.

Remember when Angle won the WCW Title from Booker? If you don’t, check out my review of the WWF Action DVD in the video section. Ha ha! Cheap plugs. Booker goes right at him for talkin’ ’bout his sweet piece o’ squirrel. Booker hot shots him onto the top rope, and Angle falls all the way to the floor. Brian Hebner keeps Booker from using a chair, allowing Angle to hit Booker in the back. I’m sure if I had the sound up I’d hear Michael Cole saying, “Kurt Angle with a DAMN cheap shot” even though Booker was about to use a chair. Booker comes back with a thrust kick, but he doesn’t cover, opting instead to pummel Angle’s face. Booker gets the sidekick, but Angle tosses him into the post and delivers the Angleslam. Angle heads to the back to get him some sweet brown sugar. Booker T gives chase, I assume for the double countout because we never hear it. Angle breaks down Booker’s locker room door and apparently assaults Sharmell. Booker tries to make the save, but Angle jumps him from behind. I hear that’s how Angle likes it. “Squeal like a pig, Booker!” The whole thing turns into the Nancy Kerrigan attack with Sharmell holding Booker and shrieking ‘WHYYYYYY?!” *3/4

Final Thoughts: A couple of damn fine promos, but that’s about it. The rest was all Wrestlecrap. Angle playing a sex maniac to get under Booker’s skin? Carlito harkening back to the Brothers Grimm? I’m all for high-concept fare, but this is a little ridiculous. Eddy and JBL really delivered tonight, though. Eddy’s insanity actually makes sense. Compare that to Heidenreich’s cartoonish ramblings. The PPV should be interesting. Rey and Eddy is always good, but everything else is a wildcard right now.

J.D. Dunn