The Smackdown Breakdown 05.26.05

Congratulations go out to Wrestleline’s Denny Burkholder and family who welcomed a baby boy into the world this week — Zachary Joseph Burkholder. Yes, folks. The IWC is breeding and it cannot be stopped!

I wonder where you can buy a mobile that plays HBK’s “Sexy Boy”.

WWE Smackdown — 5/26/05

From Milwaukee, Wisc.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

Carlito’s Cabana

Someone has a “Is Carlito Sideshow Bob?” sign in the audience. Who says I’m not a cultural influence. Carlito declares Judgment Day a cool PPV and welcomes his guest…Carlito. Carlito thanks Matt Morgan and says he handled Big Show like a little baby. I don’t think you’re supposed to give an F5 to children. Carlito says that, with Morgan by his side, he can beat Show any day. Theodore Long struts out to ruin the good fun and make fun of Morgan’s speech impediment. He announces a “Winner’s Choice Battle Royal”. The winner gets a match with anyone they want. Carlito says that when he wins, he wants to face John Cena. Long says that since Carlito can beat Show “any day,” he’ll have his chance tonight.

Rey Mysterio says that nothing will stop him now. Eddy should have killed him when he had the chance.

MNM (w/Melina) vs. Hardcore Holly & Charlie Haas.

We begin with a brush with greatness. Ha ha! Can you believe the suckers that actually paid to see this same match on Sunday? Wait a minute. The announcers put Haas over for his effort on Sunday. MNM blindsides Holly to start, but it doesn’t do much good. He stiffs the hell out of Mercury with chops. Charlie tags in and works over Mercury’s arm. Nitro comes off the top, but Haas nails him with a dropkick on the way down. We come back from commercial to MNM getting the blind tag and keeping Haas in their corner. MNM gets a double stomachbreaker. Crowd starts chanting for Holly, but MNM stays on top. Haas armdrags Nitro and leaps toward his corner. Nitro catches him and sends him back to the opposite corner. Melina slaps Haas in the face, pissing Holly off but good. He chases after all three members of MNM until Nick Patrick gets him back to his corner. Haas comes out of nowhere with a wicked Steiner-ish belly-to-belly. HOT TAG TO HOLLY! Backbody drop. Half-Nelson Slam! Dropkick. There goes Nitro. Holly goes up and hits Mercury with a clothesline, but Nick Patrick goes down too. ALABAMA SLAM! Nitro jumps in and hits Holly with a chairshot for a DQ to save the titles at 12:15. I know people are in love with Shelton right now, and well they should be, but I think Haas is actually the more complete wrestler of the two. **3/4

Recap of Sharmell getting some revenge on Kurt Angle.

John Cena comes out to thank the people who never gave up on him. Big “Cena!” chant. He says JBL has to feel pretty bad after HE QUIT! John Bradshaw Layfield limps out to say he doesn’t make excuses. He says he threw everything he had at Cena and it still wasn’t enough. He offers Cena a piece of advice — slow down. If not, he’ll burn out, and when he does JBL will be there. That will be his legacy. Cena says, “Well if that’s your attitude, you don’t get to see the tribute video I made.” JBL turns on a dime and makes nice so he can see the video. Turns out it’s just him saying, “I quit” over and over again. Bradshaw pouts and hobbles to the back as Cena celebrates with his Chain Gang.

Carlito Cool (w/Matt Morgan) vs. The Big Show.

Ha ha! Can you believe the suckers that actually paid to see this same match on Sunday? Wait a minute. Carlito tries to hide, but Show chases him down and pounds on him. A short clothesline from Show sets up a big boot to the chest. Morgan grabs Show’s foot to prevent the big leg drop, so Charles Robinson throws Morgan out of the match! Carlito shits a brick, and Show drags him back in the ring. Carlito goes to the eyes and dropkicks the knee, but Show catches him and finishes with a HUGE chokeslam at 3:25. Morgan returns to the ring and gives Show an F5 through the announce table. 3/4*

Did Kevin Federline actually say that he sold his soul to the devil? Yeah, and Satan got change for his five.

Kurt Angle Invitational

Kurt says he’s upset about losing at Judgment Day, but he’s more upset about Vince McMahon’s boneheaded idea to bring back ECW. He says ECW is garbage, and he saw it first-hand. He was so disgusted by what he saw, he left the arena. Uh, didn’t he just get done with an angle that had him saying he wanted to do Sharmell in the bad place? Oh, but the WWE pays much more money. Money > Morality. Angle promises to lead a group of SD superstars to “One Night Stand” and mouths off to Tazz, who looks like he might do something about it. Instead, Angle turns and starts the match with his young challenger.

Kurt Angle vs. Robert ?

Angle beats the kid down and finishes with the Anklelock at :15. [NR]

“Winner’s Choice” Battle Royal

Angle wants to start the battle royal immediately. Eddy Guerrero attacks Mysterio with a chair on his way to the ring, taking him out before the match begins. Show is also out of the match from the F5. Eddy hangs around on the outside, because everyone hates him. Paul London gets tossed early. There goes Funaki, hiptossed over by Kurt Angle. Morgan keeps Carlito in as Billy Kidman clotheslines Mercury out. Booker T tosses Akio. Heidenreich tosses Mark Jindrak. Nitro gets tossed during a commercial break. Eddy is still outside the ring. Holly throws Billy Kidman out. Heidenreich charges at Angle and gets backdropped over the top. Scottie backdrops Chavo Guerrero over. Angle high crotches Charlie Haas to the floor. Haas looks to be injured. Nunzio and Shannon Moore nearly get Carlito out, so Morgan pulls both of them out, sparing Carlito. It’s only temporary, though. Booker T sneaks in and eliminates the Cool One. Eddy finally jumps in and throws Scottie II Hottie out. Rey Mysterio returns and goes right after Rey. Rey eliminates Eddy, and they brawl up the aisle. It looked like Rey eliminated himself, but I guess they allow it. Orlando pairs off with Rey Mysterio as Angle and the Bashams triple team Booker T. Booker rages back and destroys the Bashams before Orlando catches him from behind. They all start charging him Black Ninja style, so Booker tosses all three members of the Cabinet. Angle sneaks in and throws him over, leaving Angle and Rey Mysterio. Oh dear God. If Angle wins, that means he’s going to pick Sharmell. Go Rey! Angle nearly gets him out, but Rey clings to the ropes for his dear life. Rey rolls through a sunset flip and dropkicks Angle in the face. Angle pulls himself back from elimination, but Rey dropkicks him over again. Angle ducks a 619 and grabs the Anklelock. Rey flips over the top rope, pulling them both to the apron. Rey lands in the ring off a suplex attempt and snaps Kurt’s neck off the ropes. Angle lands on the apron and pulls himself back in. Angle tries to javelin him out, but Rey shoves Angle over the top to the apron again. Angle tries to climb in, but Rey knocks him down again. Angle gets back in again and catches Rey with a belly-to-belly. He charges, but Rey catches him with a drop toehold and the 619. Rey springboards, but Angle catches him with a punch in the nuts and Angleslams Rey over the top for the win at 25:35. Angle gets on the stick and challenges Sharmell to a match next week.. **1/2

Final Thoughts: I don’t know what it is this week, but it seems like the writers decided to book two perfectly decent shows for 1:58 and then do the stupidest possible thing they could do at the very end. Let’s see, we’ve got Kurt Angle, John Cena, Eddy Guerrero and Rey Mysterio. LET’S GET SHARMELL INVOLVED! Things like this are why UPN can afford to move the show to Fridays.

J.D. Dunn