The SmarK Rant For NWA-TNA – July 16 2003

The SmarK Rant for NWA-TNA – July 16, 2003

– Live from Nashville, TN

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Don West.

– JJJ and Legend are brawling right off the opening, because they have a match…tonight! Finally! Once and for all!

– Opening interview: D-Lo Brown hypes next week’s 2/3 falls match against AJ Styles, and lays out a challenge to Sonny Siaki right now, with D-Lo getting 5:00 with Russo if he wins.

– D-Lo Brown v. Sonny Siaki. D-Lo attacks to start and slingshots in for two. Legdrop and he goes up, but Trinity kicks him down again. Siaki gets a neckbreaker for two, and does some ground n pound. A clothesline gets two. Capture suplex gets two. Another suplex variation gets two. D-Lo comes back with a Bubba Cutter and slugs away, and a dropkick gets two. Thesz Press and spinebuster get two. They slug it out, and Trinity hits Siaki by mistake, and D-Lo gets the pin at 4:28. That’s the first bad finish of the night, for those keeping track. Nothing exciting. ѕ*

– Video promo for Lynn-Credible. Apparently Justin will be bludgeoned with deformity. Sounds like a double-bill at a death metal club.

– Last Man Standing: Jerry Lynn v. Justin Credible. Lynn pounds him to start and crotches him on the top, then guillotines him on the apron. They brawl on the floor and Lynn hits the stairs and bleeds. Back in, Justin stomps him into a powerbomb for two. Justin gets a table ready, but Lynn somersaults off the apron and posts Justin. More blood. I think they’re missing the essential thing that made the feud cool in the first place – wrestling. Back in, Justin gets his sloppy DDT thing for two. He chops away, but Lynn fires back, and they exchange crazy chops. Justin goes up, but Lynn superplexes him for two. BIG LEAGUE cut on Justin. Lynn sets up the table, but Justin puts him on it. Lynn pops up with a rana off the top that puts Justin through the table. Back in, that gets two. Justin goes low to block the piledriver, and superkicks him. Tombstone gets the pin, but Lynn answers the bell at 8. Justin chops again, but so does Jerry. Justin goes low and they reverse into Lynn’s piledriver, which gets the pin. Justin answers at 8. Lynn pounds him into a tornado DDT, but Justin blocks, into a top rope tombstone, which gets the pin. Lynn is up at 9, and falls down, but they say that he was up first so it counts. Justin gets a piece of the table, but Lynn uses it and tries a piledriver onto it, but then changes his mind and just does a regular tombstone for the pin. Justin is up at 7. Another piledriver, but it’s a silly double-pinfall and both are up at 9, but Credible falls down and loses at 11:27. Fine, but they just established 30 seconds earlier that the match should have continued. Whatever. Anyway, the story was solid, with the guys having to kill each other to get the first pin and then piledriving each other into oblivion for the win, but all these silly gimmick matches aren’t helping. 2 matches, 2 bad finishes. ***

– 3 Live Crew searches for the meaning of life in Nashville, and finds a lot of cow shit. Yup.

– Jarrett & Legend are fighting again. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?

– X title match: Chris Sabin v. Frankie Kazarian. They should probably switch the title here. Sabin takes him down and wins the mini-battle to start. Kazarian gets his own matwork in, but Sabin kicks him down and hits him with running knees. Kazarian fights back with a dropkick. Spinning neckbreaker gets two. He dodges Sabin, and they end up on the floor as Sabin blocks a highspot attempt, and then gets his own. Back in, Sabin rolls him up for two. He goes to an Octopus variation, but Kazarian makes the ropes. Kazarian with a rollup for two. Another for two. Sabin dropkicks the back in a painful looking spot, and that gets two. Backbreaker is the next logical step, of course. He stretches him a bit before Kazarian makes the ropes. Sabin puts him in the Tree of Woe, but in a move that’s kind of hard to describe, Kazarian bridges up and uses a stunner on him while hanging upside-down. Kazarian makes the comeback with a running forearm for two. Neckbreaker gets two. Sabin kneelifts into a powerbomb, but Kazarian reverses to the electric chair for two. They head up, but Sabin fights him off, and a missile dropkick bumps the ref. Sabin hits another backbreaker and grabs the belt, but misses. Kazarian DDTs him on the belt and that finishes at 7:57, but since NWA tradition apparently includes Dusty Finishes as well, another ref comes out and reverses the decision. Horrible finish to a match that was having trouble taking off. I think they’re feeling the pressure after that fabulous first match. 3 matches, 3 bad finishes. **1/2

– The Harris Boys v. New Jack & Shark Boy. New Jack’s hilarious interview before the match about picking boogers was way better than this can be. Shark Boy gave him his own Shark mask to inspire him. Geez, and I have enough trouble telling the Harrisssesseesesess apart as is, now how can I keep track of the babyfaces? The Harris faction attacks Shark Boy to start, but New Shark clotheslines them and headbutts Ron. I think I’ve got them right – New Jack is the one with a suntan, right? It’s so hard to tell with the masks. New Jack pounds Don outside and brings a chair in, then nails Don instead. Is this no-DQ or something? I mean, he pretty blatantly used a chair. Back in, Jack elbows Ron for two. Shark Boy comes in, but gets clotheslined and he’s YOUR fish-in-peril. Okay, now this is like the EASIEST booking in the world to do – The Harris Brothers take Shark Boy into the corner and just pound the shit out of him until the crowd rallies behind him. You CAN’T screw this up, it’s impossible. If ever someone was born to stand on the apron and clap (besides Kevin Nash), it’s New Jack. Don comes in with a legdrop, but Shark Boy dropkicks him. They screwed it up. Unbelievable. A bodypress attempt is caught, and Don slams him and tosses him out. Don drops him on the railing and uses a chair. Again, is this no-DQ and I missed it? If they DQ’d Kazarian for a DDT on a belt, the least they can do is be consistent. Shark Boy gets the hot tag to New Jack, which isn’t really because there was no real heat on him, and Jack clumsily slams both Harris Boys in obvious called spots. I mean, he was literally standing there telling them to go up, and in case we didn’t get it, he was pointing into the air. He legdrops a chair on Ron. Oh come on, that was right in the ring. He gets another one, but Don kicks it back at him, and the H-Bomb finishes him at 5:10. Yup, they couldn’t build heat on the little guy, and then when the big guy tagged in, he immediately screws up and gets pinned clean by the heel finisher. There’s no way Jerry Jarrett booked this match, because he’d have a heart attack with that kind of idiocy. They unmask Shark Boy, but he borrows New Jack’s mask to hide his identity, and then makes the save with the Hulk Hands. Of all the times to remember continuity… -** At least it wasn’t a bad finish.

– Tenay interviews Kid Kash while Abyss walks around breaking stuff. Abyss’ monster-movie mannerisms are tremendous, and Kash was just this total redneck asshole here yapping about how he deserves respect. I love these guys, they should push the shit out of them.

– Erik Watts video sets up an interview about how “Eric” will be here next week. Aw, poor Goldylocks is reduced to being Erik’s arm-candy while Scott Hudson does the real work. Maybe she’ll give another interview about how internet fans are at fault.

– The chicks brawl again. One of them has either become a cheerleader or been replaced by one. That’s all I got out of it.

– Chris Daniels video. Tradition sucks. Can’t be worse than this show.

– Elix Skipper v. Amazing Red. Red pounds Skipper down to start and they reverse into a Skipper german suplex. Red cradles for two. Elix misses the charge, and Red does some sort of pointless setup for a cradle that goes nowhere, and they bail. Elix DDTs him on the floor. Back in, that gets two. He kicks Red down and gets a butterfly suplex for two. Superkick and legdrop get two. They dodge each other into a Red DDT, and both are down. Another DDT gets two. Red gets a rana for two, but Skipper gets a leg lariat and grabs a chair. What is with the chairs tonight? The ref takes away, and Red gets an obviously called rollup for two. Skipper uses his scale for the pin at 5:01. 4th bad finish out of 5 matches so far. *1/2

– Part 3 of the Sting interview deals with the WCW years. Nothing of note.

– Edward Chastain v. Norman Smiley. Don Callis informs us that the wrestling fans no longer want hardcore wrestling. I’ve been saying that since 1997! Chastain does the usual fat guy power spots as Norman teases the big wiggle. Sideslam gets two, but Norman comes back with clotheslines and a Wiggle. Chastain finishes him with a Big Fat Splash at 3:00. I’m not seeing the upside here. DUD This was basically the main event tonight, by the way.

– Interrogators: Harris & Storm. They should NEVER talk.

– Gilberti and his new team of Simon & Swinger call in Jeremy Borash for some verbal abuse, as they complain about AMW getting favored treatment last week. They’re lodging a complaint and Diamond didn’t even get to say “Simon has a problem”? They really need that Drain STH song, too. Anyway, they go after Borash, but AMW makes the save, only to get laid out. Raven saves THEM as the teams brawl to the back, but now Mitchell and Douglas come out for a fight, which then brings Slash and Brian Lee (is that seriously Lee? He looks like a cruiserweight now) and a long beatdown follows.

– Jeff Jarrett v. Legend. It’s finally a one-on-one match, honest! Jarrett attacks to start and they immediately brawl into the crowd. Jarrett gets some sloppy chairshots, fights with security, and they head back into the ring where he jumps off the top with ANOTHER chairshot (with no DQ). Russo runs in and gives the bat to Legend, and he hits Jarrett for the pin at 2:20. Not even a match. DUD They make a big deal out of the ref not seeing the bat, but he saw the flying chairshot all right and didn’t call shit. 5 matches with a bad finish.

– Russo sums up his strategy in the pre-match interview: “Wrestlers are stupid”. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.

– D-Lo Brown v. Vince Russo. Russo makes a major fashion faux pas, wearing a hockey helmet with a Yankees shirt. That’s about the most interesting thing here, as D-Lo indeed gets tricked into a 4-on-1 beatdown, with AJ Styles, Sonny Siaki, Legend and Trinity all coming in to pound on him in an endless segment to end the show, 15 minutes before the hour.

The Bottom Line:

Probably the worst TNA show I’ve seen, with nothing but filler and some truly retarded booking. Even the usual gimme of 3 Live Crew failed to deliver. Definitely avoid the replay of this one, there isn’t even a main event.

I’m interested to see another AMW v. Simon & Swinger match next week, though, plus that Raven six-man and the NWA World title match, so hopefully they can’t screw it up too badly.