The SmarK RAW Rant – December 15 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – December 15, 2003

– 411 Plugs! Flea continues a rather civil and interesting feud with me, here! NoSoul puts out a funny parody of 411 writers that probably won’t be half as funny if you’re not actually one of them, here! Read them both!

– Live from Tampa, FL.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Evolution and their belts open the show, because there’s nothing more exciting to open a show than listening to HHH ramble on about how great he is.

– Opening match: Christian & Chris Jericho v. Lita & Trish Stratus. Jericho starts with Trish and gets an earful, so he tags out to Christian. Christian of course goes after the women and tosses Lita into the corner, but she climbs onto his back and claws him. Jericho pulls her off and comes in with a slam on her. Christian goes for a superplex, but Lita fights him off and completely blows a moonsault attempt, looking like she blew something out in the process. The chicks double-team Christian, but he casually clotheslines them both and gets two on Trish. Unprettier kills Trish dead, but Jericho breaks up the count and tells the ref to stop the match at 4:14. Nowhere near as good as the PPV. *1/2 Bischoff now comes out and confronts Chris, who stands up to him and the fans bite on his face turn again, but I don’t know how many times they’re gonna bite unless they pull the trigger on it. So Bischoff puts him in a match with Kane tonight as punishment for his Canadian insolence. Sadly, he keeps talking, as he has yet another idea that’s gonna shake up RAW forever…again…which is like the 14th in the past two years, and we take a break while Foley comes out.

– So Foley comes out shilling the petition and hyping his meeting with the Bored of Directors (Wow! A board meeting! That’s edgy TV!) in two weeks. So anyway, Bischoff introduces a video package of Foley’s years as the Hardcore Legend, and he points out that the people don’t want to see Mick Foley, co-GM, they want to see Mick Foley the wrestler. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Mick doesn’t fall for the trick, however, so Eric offers him a match tonight against Randy Orton, with Bischoff’s job against Mick’s job. Wow, another match where the loser gets fired, haven’t seen one of those since, um, EVERY PPV in the last six months. Foley wants Earl Hebner to referee (oh, GOD, I hope they’re not going where I think they are – either Montreal or another twin referee deal), and Evolution & Bischoff banned from ringside, and it’s for the I-C title. Great, a retirement match with a million stipulations, my foundations are so shaken forever.

– Next week: Best of RAW 2003. Thank god, I need a week off.

– Mark Henry & Matt Hardy v. Maven & Booker T. Matt finally gets a full entrance on RAW! Matt fact: He always utilizes toilet seat covers. Damn, the Matt Facts have been downsized. Maven attacks Matt to start and gets the DROPKICK OF DOOM and pounds away. Matt misses a blind charge, but Henry nails Maven from outside and tags in for some abuse. Hiptoss, and Matt comes in with a Side Effect for two and goes to a surfboard. Clothesline gets two. Matt whips him around and punts him in the ribs for two. Maven fights back with a Russian legsweep and makes the hot tag to Booker, who forearms Matt down. MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER and Spinarooni, and he dodges the charging Henry, allowing Maven to hit Mark with a high cross to the outside. Booker kills Matt with the axe kick at 4:35. This was just a match. *1/2

– Meanwhile, Coach plugs 411 and hypes an interview with Goldberg. However, the “interview” ends up just being Coach getting mauled.

– La Resistance v. Goldberg. I guess it’s a match, but it’s just Goldberg spearing and jackhammering the French. Bischoff, however, isn’t impressed, and suspends him for 30 days. Yeah. He actually calls him a “loose cannon”. What next, asking for his badge and gun? So is Eric the gruff sergeant who really loves Goldberg deep down beneath the yelling? I guess someone watched Lethal Weapon the night before or something.

– Meanwhile, Shawn and Mick discuss coming out of retirement.

– Rob Van Dam & Shawn Michaels v. HHH, Ric Flair & Batista. Didn’t we just see this match recently? Batista pounds down Shawn with CLUBBING FOREARMS to start, but Shawn dodges him and holds off the heels. Batista charges and gets taken down, but powers Shawn into the Evolution corner for some abuse. He slugs HHH down, however, and works the arm. RVD continues on that (psst – guys – WORK THE KNEE) but Flair comes in and chops Rob. RVD spinkicks him and Shawn comes in with a backdrop, but Flair goes to the eyes and Shawn sells it like he’s been shot. HHH adds a cheapshot from the apron for good measure and comes in to work Shawn over. Batista uses his grinding elbow and clothesline for two. Flair chops Shawn down and goes up…and down again…but brings Batista in as Shawn makes the tag to RVD. He throws a bunch of kicks to a bunch of people, but the ref gets bumped and pulverized. Rob reverses a powerbomb, barely escaping with his life, and hits Rolling Thunder to set up the frog splash, but HHH comes in and Pedigrees RVD (without even bothering to KICK or WHAM him) and puts Batista on top for two. Flair gets a figure-four and we take a break. We return with Rob getting beaten in the corner and HHH working on his knee. Flair lays in the chops, but RVD comes back with a MAIN EVENT SLEEPER. Flair suplexes out, and Batista comes in with his trademark clotheslines for two. I guess it’s really “trademark” because it’s the only move he knows, but you take what you can get. Rob comes back with a kick on HHH (speaking of only one move…) and almost makes the hot tag, but Flair cuts him off. Another kick puts Flair down and Shawn comes back in. Forearm for HHH and kip-up, and he clotheslines everyone. Another kip-up and he goes up with the flying elbow on HHH to set up the superkick. Shawn’s selling is awesome, but his finishing sequence is getting dangerously close to Bret-like self-parody. Forearm, kip-up, atomic drop, flying elbow, superkick. Batista powerbombs him to stop the superkick, while RVD disposes of Flair & Batista, leaving HHH & Shawn alone in the ring. Pedigree is reversed by Shawn and the superkick finishes at 19:16. Wow, Shawn v. HHH…again. Haven’t seen that in…um…exactly a year. Good long tag match, although RVD looked terrible, throwing nothing but kicks and whiffing on a lot of stuff. *** Wade Keller’s right, though – Shawn needs a makeover if he’s gonna be a full-timer. He needs to vary the offense, ditch the stupid New Generation-era “stomp stomp stomp superkick miss” crap, and change the entrance music and tights.

– John Heidenreich v. Rico. Ooo, the rematch. John clotheslines him down to start and bearhugs him, which Rico enjoys too much. Rico spinkicks him down and legdrops him for two. Rico forearms him and gets the high kick in the corner, and a neckbreaker for two. We hit the chinlock, which he turns into a sleeper as the crowd turns on the match. Heidenreich escapes and backdrops him for two. Kneelift gets two, but Jackie interferes and Rico gets a neckbreaker for the pin at 4:23. Hey, it’s almost a push or something. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Jericho tries to apologize to Trish, but she’s having none of it.

– Chris Jericho v. Kane. Jericho dropkicks the knee as Kane comes in, but Kane slugs him down. Jericho dropkicks the knee again, but gets dropped on his face. Kane works him over in the corner, but runs into a boot and Jericho goes up with a missile dropkick for one. Bulldog and Lionsault, but Kane no-sells, so Jericho rolls him into the Walls, which Kane also no-sells. Corner clothesline and sideslam, and Kane presses him to the floor. Jericho gets tossed around out there, so he grabs a chair and gets DQ’d at 3:42. They didn’t mesh here. * Kane throws a tantrum and keeps assaulting him after the bell, which prompts Christian to run out, after Kane is gone, and add further abuse. When it rains it pours.

– Meanwhile, Eric uses a bit of reverse psychology to get Orton pumped for destroying Foley, and Foley books Shawn v. HHH for two weeks from now.

– Intercontinental title, losing GM must retire, Earl Hebner referees, everyone banned from ringside, winner take all: Randy Orton v. Mick Foley. Mick does the big stalljob outside before we start, and then changes his mind and heads up the ramp instead. Orton follows and they head backstage, where Mick retreats to his office and gets his gear and leaves. Orton stops him and mocks him for leaving and calls him a coward. But Mick still leaves. What the fuck was that? What is this, Nitro? Hype a return from retirement with a million stips for two hours and then just have the babyface walk out like a coward? Well, there goes another town, killed by the WWE booking geniuses.

The Bottom Line:

It was a kinda watchable show until the retarded ending that makes absolutely no sense on any level and only serves to piss off the paying customer. Suspend the top babyface? Have the GM just walk out instead of fighting the cocky heel? What the fuck is going on?

You can flush that show down the crapper after that finish.